Dating

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

Your honeymoon doesn't have to be the most epicly romantic week of your life, although it's great if it turns out to be so. I'd take it as premium time I get to spend with my wife, and try to live it as happily as possible.
About the single life part: I've been in love with a girl (well, woman now) for 7 years, and everytime someone asks me if random girl A is good for me, I'd always think about her and simply say no to everyone else. So, if I was married to her, I just wouldn't even think about other girls around me.
The ex stuff is complicated, your actions depend on your relationship after breaking up( actual friends, facebook friends you'd talk to once a year, strangers?) as well as your feelings about each other, so I can't really tell you what to do; I definitely wouldn't invite my ex to my wedding though, even if we were close friends, as a matter of etiquette.

As much as I would love a honeymoon week or so at some point, it wasn't exactly what I meant. What I meant with "honeymoon stage" was like the first year of marriage where the couple is still very passionate and very into each other behaving as boyfriend and girlfriend, still.

Normally, even when the love doesn't go away or shouldn't, the bubble of excitement subsides and the couple settles in into a pattern of married life that can be either good or bad, depending on the couple. Some can start getting annoyed at some of the spouse's habits (Example: Socks around the carpet, underwear hanging in all the wrong places, he/she leaves crumbs on the keyboard and around the computer, cans of beer or coke in all places around the house except the recycling bin, one in the couple leaves all the chores to the other and simply watches TV/plays videogames/surfs the internet, etc.) The annoying habits then seem to go in crescendo and one of the spouses might start to resent and wonder why he/she married the other. Of course, the ideal is that both would reach an agreement.

You seem very faithful and that's very good. Hope you can be happy with a good girl some day. ^^

And nope, I don't have ex in FB or anything like it. The only IM where he is not blocked is skype because he talks to his daughters using voice/webcam sometimes. And no, definitely not inviting him to wedding unless I've gone mad. Funnily enough, I did invite an ex bf to my first wedding, but it was because we were in friendly terms and he was already married and with a kid then.

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

This is not so much as asking for dating advice, but I wanted to share how I've been feeling lately. In less than 4 months I'll be getting married. As the date gets closer, I've been having feelings of excitement, but also feelings of dread. For one part, I am happy, but then another side of me gets scared of something going wrong.

I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his. In fact, I talked to him about this and he also has the same feelings of excitement and dread. He also wonders if he will start missing his staying late playing videogames during weekends without thoughts of going out the next day or takings the kids to the park. He wonders if he will feel he has no alone time anymore. Yet, he says he doesn;t want to go back ever to being alone.

I feel the same way, wondering if I'll feel I lack freedom, if he will end up leaving me with all the chores (though he assures me he won't and we've sort of practiced already taking turns in the kitchen, doing dishes, etc.) It's hard to explain and after having gone through a divorce before, my fears sometimes increase.

He is great with my daughters and they like him a lot too. Sometimes, they even call him daddy. In that sense, I also fear what would happen if anything would go wrong. How the little ones would take it... I guess it's a risk I have to take and so far I think it is worth it.

Well, he knows your past and you his. You've worked through a lot together with distance so technically being together should be easier. It's just a new lifestyle to adapt to but the 'marriage' part has nothing to do with it. You continue supporting and living as best as you can given the circumstances and situation.
In other words, you adapt
Which to this day, you've done so pretty well and have fought a lot of battles to be together, as long as neither one of you gets lazy with your relationship, you'll be fine. ^^
Now go and find that Sheimi who was determined to surpass hell or high water to marry the man she loves

On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...

Your kids obviously have better memories of the hell he put you all through then you do. Don't tell the bastard a damn thing and move on with your life.
It's not even a problem unless you cannot put closure on that side of your life and move into a new one with your fiance.

@RB - He may be angrier if he finds out from the side, but it's none of his business since it doesn't affect his access to his kids (the only link he has with Sheimi) in any way. Her ex and Sheimi herself are over, there is no more to keep contact with in terms of each others lives and if he cannot understand that should he find out later, then her kids fear is all the more justified.
Besides, he has no grounds to throw a fit. So Sheimi doesn't tell him, what's he gonna say, that she betrayed him?
(As you can sense, I've no love lost for the role he played in Sheimi's life, she should close that door as well and walk on)

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by Mystique

Your kids obviously have better memories of the hell he put you all through then you do. Don't tell the bastard a damn thing and move on with your life.
It's not even a problem unless you cannot put closure on that side of your life and move into a new one with your fiance.

I will admit I tend to forgive easily and sometimes, can easily forget about the bad things. Even my fiancé says I'm too nice. He doesn't want me to change in that sense, but sometimes he says my niceness is too extreme to the point of thinking of others more than I think about my own self. He has been helping me in trying to be a little selfish from time to time.

But yeah, I won't say a thing myself, but will see how I can still let my ex know at least that I'm moving. Yes, I can put closure and have a new life with my fiancé, but I cannot deny my ex contact with his daughters and he will probably want to travel to see them and send them stuff as he has done till now. (That is one other think I have to work on because I have no intention of having him know where I'll live. He will only get a P.O. Box address for sending stuff.) It's like my oldest once said when she was 5: "I know he made you suffer, but he will always be my father."

[Lio]

Shiemi:
A big reason why marriages fail is because of too much expectations about what a marriage is or what a marriage should be. We've been raised in a society where so much meaning has been attached to the word "marriage" from the first time you heard the word and all through your entire life. That's why when people bring those beliefs into their real marriage, it can really mess up their relationships since reality doesn’t match up to their expectations (which they shouldn’t have anyway). The divorce rate in the US is around 50%. You can’t say it stands up to what people believe is supposed to be “the union” can you?

To me, marriage is for lovers who want to share, grow, and magnify their love together – what they were pretty much already doing before they got married. In fact, some couples get married because they felt that calling each other their “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” sounded kind of awkward after five or six years, and they continue their relationship and live as they did before except now they get to call each other their husband or wife. Some couples who were in open relationships get married and continue to enjoy their open relationship except now they’ve strengthened their bond even more.

The form of the marriage isn’t important. The relationship doesn’t have to change in some seriously fundamental way. Nor do you have to necessarily “give up your freedom.” What matters is that the relationship continues to serve you and your partner in sharing your love and growing together in whichever way that most opens you – which is (hopefully) why you’re together in the first place, and what you’ve already been doing up to this point.

[cheyannew]

along w/ the above, I have to note, while people scoff at hubby and I calling one another best friends, nothing, and I mean nothing, other than doing our taxes, has changed since we got legally married. We could easily have simply lived together for the last 14 years w/o a binding contract, and it'd be the same.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his. In fact, I talked to him about this and he also has the same feelings of excitement and dread. He also wonders if he will start missing his staying late playing videogames during weekends without thoughts of going out the next day or takings the kids to the park. He wonders if he will feel he has no alone time anymore. Yet, he says he doesn;t want to go back ever to being alone.

I feel for you. We always miss that which we once had . Marriage is going to mean you most likely won't have as much alone time, save for the workplace (where you'll be surrounded by others). I doubt, however, that will be an issue, as the whole reason you both wanted to be married most likely stems from the fact that you wanted to spend your days together.

Originally Posted by Shiemi

I feel the same way, wondering if I'll feel I lack freedom, if he will end up leaving me with all the chores (though he assures me he won't and we've sort of practiced already taking turns in the kitchen, doing dishes, etc.) It's hard to explain and after having gone through a divorce before, my fears sometimes increase.

Again, I feel for you. Most arguments start over the household work (such a thing happens amongst me and my siblings ). Nobody likes doing chores, ontop of a 9 to 5 job. It is probably important that, if your daughters are at a young stage, that you try to get them involved in housework as much as possible, so that they pick up after themselves when they're older. This can take a workload off you and your husband quite alot, and it teaches the kids that you won't be around forever to clean up after them (if only I got such teachings, then this house where I live might be in a much more proper order).

Originally Posted by Shiemi

He is great with my daughters and they like him a lot too. Sometimes, they even call him daddy. In that sense, I also fear what would happen if anything would go wrong. How the little ones would take it... I guess it's a risk I have to take and so far I think it is worth it.

As I too have a stepfather (who's yet to marry my mum), I think they'll be happy to have someone to father them. Children can be torn over a divorce, but for your's to warm up so much to your new fiancee means that I cannot see too many problems. You do have a right to fear, nobody likes seeing their own parents chop and change over things. It is most important that you try your best to keep it alive, if not for you, for your children.

Originally Posted by Shiemi

On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...

Is he a violent man? I daresay that if he's an ex, he no longer has a hold on what you can and cannot do with your life. If you were to tell him, it is up to him how he reacts, but ultimately he must accept that you moved on, like he must. There is something seriously wrong if he cannot let you go.

Hope it helps . I got another issue of mine lurking around the corner really soon, and if I feel like it I might just ask around here.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

I will admit I tend to forgive easily and sometimes, can easily forget about the bad things. Even my fiancé says I'm too nice. He doesn't want me to change in that sense, but sometimes he says my niceness is too extreme to the point of thinking of others more than I think about my own self. He has been helping me in trying to be a little selfish from time to time.

....argh. You sound exactly like my girl, and that sounds exactly what I've been trying to help my girl to do as well. :headdesk:

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

....argh. You sound exactly like my girl, and that sounds exactly what I've been trying to help my girl to do as well. :headdesk:

What's so bad about forgiving easily?

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

What's so bad about forgiving easily?

It's more the 'being too nice to others at the expense of oneself' I'm more worried about, actually. For personal experience, such girls are easily cheated and/or taken advantage of.

[hinakatbklyn]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

I will admit I tend to forgive easily and sometimes, can easily forget about the bad things. Even my fiancé says I'm too nice. He doesn't want me to change in that sense, but sometimes he says my niceness is too extreme to the point of thinking of others more than I think about my own self. He has been helping me in trying to be a little selfish from time to time.

It doesn't hurt to forgive someone if it was a small mistake. It's when someone makes the same mistake again and again that you realize you shouldn't forgive as easily. If enough time has passed and they were sorry about what they did, I would then consider forgiving that person who made the mistake.

It's great that you can forget about bad things that happened in the past, but it doesn't sound as easy especially if it was really bad (a divorce is just one example). It can take alot longer for some to get over a bad event especially when it affects more than one person. But it can hurt alot more when you keep remembering the bad things.

It's OK to think of others rather than think of yourself once in a while, but sooner or later, you have to think of yourself and your family. You never know when someone is trying to take advantage of your kindness.

[Shiemi]

Thanks, Lio and Harufox. Been feeling better and more confident.

Ascaloth, lol. Hope you help your girl be a little selfish from time to time too.

hinakatbklyn, One of the reasons I stayed for years in an abusive relationship was because I kept forgiving and forgiving. It was a vicious circle. I'm really glad I was able to get out of that. I needed help from others and support so that I wouldn't go back at some point. But yeah, one of the main reasons I was able to leave completely was my daughters. I didn't want them to grow in such a household.

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

It's more the 'being too nice to others at the expense of oneself' I'm more worried about, actually. For personal experience, such girls are easily cheated and/or taken advantage of.

It is my personal belief that each girl has her own insecurity to be exploited to your advantage (in certain cases, you have to risk injuries). Of course, don't be an asshole when exploiting it and be a total playboy : do it only if you love her.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

....argh. You sound exactly like my girl, and that sounds exactly what I've been trying to help my girl to do as well. :headdesk:

Keep doing it until the desk turns red.

P.S Looks like I managed to convince that cute little thing that I felt like a big brother to her rather than loving her. Seems that she is desperate after seeing all her friends being attached, and she alone wasn't. Though I feel a little guilty for rejecting her outright after she busted that question.

And I was right. Those girls egged her on!

EDIT :
Just to add that I called her just now. It is like.....we had nothing to talk about, just exchanging "are you ok?" and "hmm ok". Is it alright to leave her alone in her house like that?

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

I will admit I tend to forgive easily and sometimes, can easily forget about the bad things. Even my fiancé says I'm too nice. He doesn't want me to change in that sense, but sometimes he says my niceness is too extreme to the point of thinking of others more than I think about my own self. He has been helping me in trying to be a little selfish from time to time.

But yeah, I won't say a thing myself, but will see how I can still let my ex know at least that I'm moving. Yes, I can put closure and have a new life with my fiancé, but I cannot deny my ex contact with his daughters and he will probably want to travel to see them and send them stuff as he has done till now. (That is one other think I have to work on because I have no intention of having him know where I'll live. He will only get a P.O. Box address for sending stuff.) It's like my oldest once said when she was 5: "I know he made you suffer, but he will always be my father."

And note I didn't say that you should cut the link with him and your kids. I said to RB that the relationship between him and the kids won't change, I know you'll let them keep in contact over webcam, etc and you're already thinking of getting a P.O box for America when you move.
That's fine. You've forgiven him, great.
Now concentrate on your wedding and leave him out of it. I don't see what difference it makes for him to know, cept for him to potentially screw things up for you before the wedding (and I wouldn't put it past him).

Should you get married, settle in, the kids still keep in contact, it'll only be until he wants to send something and needs an address that the topic will come up and sure then you can say:
'I've left PR now, got married and settled in the US. As you've noticed, nothing has changed with you and the kids so there's nothing to discuss, except giving you a new address so they can receive items from you.'

You really have to stand your ground Sheimi.
It isn't being extreme and cutting him off so your kids don't hear from him anymore, but it's keeping him in check as to not disturb your happiness and future.
You do not owe him anything, so whether he hears it now or later doesn't matter, nor should he flip out as long as the relationship and access between his kids remains the same, which I know you have no issues with.
That's about it, it doesn't become a complicated issue unless you wanna make it, lol.

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

What's so bad about forgiving easily?

Forgiving easily is one thing, but allowing a negative force to remain in your life after forgiving is where it gets stupid.
Sadly for those who forgive easily, they also just 'continue as always'.
Why is it bad?
Cause humanity has a tendancy to prey on the weak and good, so basically you'll be used, abused, chewed and spat out.
It needs a balance.
You can be kind natured, non violent, polite, sweet and kind, but you also need to know how to hold your ground, when 'enough is enough', when to say 'no' and when to be strong.
(Speaking emotionally and mentally here)
The toughest thing is being strong as many women (I'm speaking from a female p.o.v) are afraid to speak out or retort, or let their own lack of self confidence whisper negative thoughts in their minds and believe they have zero worth.

Within dating, this could also apply in terms of following your instincts if something feels wrong, or if one person is moving too fast and you feel uncomfortable, you tell them (or someone) about it, rather than freaking out and falling into a dangerous situation.

[SaintessHeart]

As of just now, I received a (maybe two?) long distance calls at 1AM in the bloody morning from a madwoman screaming down the line verbal abuses and threats with regards to me rejecting her sister. When she asked me why, I told her the truth (that I liked her) : so she went "ARRRRGGGHHH!" like a rampaging female barbarian and hung up.

Half an hour later, she called me back (this ojou sure has alot of dosh) and broke my heart with two things :

1. She told me that she wasn't interested in me. She saw me as her gay male best friend...

2. who could only act more manly if I fulfilled Ascaloth's prediction.

In fact, I am surprised that she understood why I rejected her sis outright. And she agreed that her sister wasn't ready to have a boyfriend yet : that girl would just get cheated out of her virginity.

Miss Tsundere says she will talk to her sis, and as usual, her ending words for me is a threat,

"If you do anything stupid to my sis, I will cut you up."
"With what? A katana? A cleaver?"
"No, a bonesaw."

So what do I do next? Cut myself because I am being perceived as a gay by a girl I like?

Btw what is the bloody time now over at UK anyway?

[psycho_luny]

just end your suffering and forget about those 2.
they're obviously both nut cases, so your better of without them.
just try to find a girl that doesn't hurt you or threaten to hurt you, that isn't completely insane and be happy with her.
but FORGET about this 1, for it pointless now. she doesn't see it happening a relationship between you and her.
and about the gay part, she's just tryïng to mess with you. she knows its painful for a guy to be called gay.

[hinakatbklyn]

@SaintessHeart: Do you really want to go that far to try and win someone over even though it's going to give you alot of stress in the long run? It's OK if you do, but if you don't already know this already, it will take an awful lot of patience on your part from what you're saying and what your girlfriend was saying. And if you do have to pick one over the other, hope for the best but expect the worst.

Then again, if you don't have the patience, it may be better to let both go. I've never handled arguments very well (I just let the otherside yell away). I may be willing to compromise in a relationship, but not when the other does not have the time or patience to listen (especially when threats are involved). Being nice and all is fine, but not when they don't appreciate it.

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by SaintessHeart

As of just now, I received a (maybe two?) long distance calls at 1AM in the bloody morning from a madwoman screaming down the line verbal abuses and threats with regards to me rejecting her sister. When she asked me why, I told her the truth (that I liked her) : so she went "ARRRRGGGHHH!" like a rampaging female barbarian and hung up.

Half an hour later, she called me back (this ojou sure has alot of dosh) and broke my heart with two things :

1. She told me that she wasn't interested in me. She saw me as her gay male best friend...

2. who could only act more manly if I fulfilled Ascaloth's prediction.

In fact, I am surprised that she understood why I rejected her sis outright. And she agreed that her sister wasn't ready to have a boyfriend yet : that girl would just get cheated out of her virginity.

Miss Tsundere says she will talk to her sis, and as usual, her ending words for me is a threat,

"If you do anything stupid to my sis, I will cut you up."
"With what? A katana? A cleaver?"
"No, a bonesaw."

So what do I do next? Cut myself because I am being perceived as a gay by a girl I like?

Sweetie, have you ever envisioned yourself in the long run with that tsundere? (Btw, I would refer to her as an abuser. ) Like picturing yourself having a life with her? Do you think you would be happy?

It's difficult, but like others have said, I don't think she is right for you and you should move on. The fact that she told you she is not interested in you should be the best ticket in starting a process of forgetting.

Little sister is no better for reasons you yourself have stated. I hope you are strong and manage. Good luck!

Btw what is the bloody time now over at UK anyway?

When I want to know the time somewhere in the world, I just google it. Always works.

[Animelover#1]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

It's more the 'being too nice to others at the expense of oneself' I'm more worried about, actually. For personal experience, such girls are easily cheated and/or taken advantage of.

I'm the same. but a little different.
I can fall out with someone but I can't hold grudges. and i'll get lonely after (about 3 minutes was the earliest) a few hours and want to make friends again. I also met someone through youtube, she has quite a few problems. and i've been talking to her and giving her advice. She admited to me when i met her that she cut herself, but shes telling me she isnt doing it now. I'm trying to keep her sane and im getting her to look at the finer points of life.

and to keep this post on topic.

Sainteness.. I can fully sympethise with you.. -.-' The girl that I like is a part tsundere. She's kind, funny, she shares stories and secrets with me. but. Most of the time she abusive and rude. She is quite sad a lot of the time and if i ask "how are you?" Or "are you ok?" she gets annoyed by the question. It's extremely difficult, but because i care for her i'm trying to at least be there for when she wants to talk, and I offer her advice when she needs it. she just needs time, I think.

Oh, and sainteness... Don't give up . I think, the trick with tsunderes is to agree to what they say, and play on their sympathetic side. Also when talking to her try to be perfectly clear on what you are saying and be clear on what your intentions are. More arguments with tsunderes are caused by misunderstandings than anything else.
Also, you might like the idea of doing something nice for her.. Maybe try buying something you know she wants.Or if you dont have the means, try doing something romantic. for example, when the time arises, say something from the bottom of your heart, about why you love her or that shes important to you, or how she a special person in your life. something like that. assuming she is speechless, If it was me I would give her a kiss or a hug and walk away with a "I'm off. Cya." And if she shouts right back at you, then maybe say something slightly harsh. maybe something like.. "Well I'm sorry for caring about you!"

Anyway. Do these at your own risk, i dont know your relationship with her.
Goodluck man.

[Kafriel]

Originally Posted by SaintessHeart

So what do I do next? Cut myself because I am being perceived as a gay by a girl I like?

If you somehow enjoy her company, stay friends...otherwise just end it. Can't get along with everyone on the planet, she isn't making it any easier for you, and the whole little sis thing must be rather stressful. In the end, you didn't even get a thanks after all the crap you were put through...sucks

[Kakashi]

Originally Posted by SaintessHeart

As of just now, I received a (maybe two?) long distance calls at 1AM in the bloody morning from a madwoman screaming down the line verbal abuses and threats with regards to me rejecting her sister. When she asked me why, I told her the truth (that I liked her) : so she went "ARRRRGGGHHH!" like a rampaging female barbarian and hung up.

Half an hour later, she called me back (this ojou sure has alot of dosh) and broke my heart with two things :

1. She told me that she wasn't interested in me. She saw me as her gay male best friend...

2. who could only act more manly if I fulfilled Ascaloth's prediction.

In fact, I am surprised that she understood why I rejected her sis outright. And she agreed that her sister wasn't ready to have a boyfriend yet : that girl would just get cheated out of her virginity.

Miss Tsundere says she will talk to her sis, and as usual, her ending words for me is a threat,

"If you do anything stupid to my sis, I will cut you up."
"With what? A katana? A cleaver?"
"No, a bonesaw."

So what do I do next? Cut myself because I am being perceived as a gay by a girl I like?

Btw what is the bloody time now over at UK anyway?

Haven't you tried your best to tread carefully with her sister? Put her back in her place, and don't let her threaten you again, even jokingly, because she has no right to do that.