Dating

[RadiantBeam]

Hmmm...

Well, before you even think of asking either of these girls out I suggest you take some time to talk to them and develop a friendship with them. Looks are a good start, but they don't build a lasting relationship, and you want to make sure you like their personalities before you ask one of them out on a date. If you don't want to do it yourself, have a friend introduce you, or just go up to them and say hi; I'm sure they won't mind it.

Is there any way for you to know if they're lesbians too, or at least bisexual?

[Maki Casanova]

@ Radiant

Yay! A person who doesn't bash me because of my orientation. xD

And no, I'm not that too far ahead in my thinking. As I've said, I'm only crushing on them at the moment. The very reason I haven't fallen is because I barely know them, if from a distance.

And no, there isn't. T_T Makes me wish I had a gaydar implanted in me right now... Currently, as I see it, they don't seem to hold any interest in girls. Although there was one time when one of my crushes was suddenly asked out of the blue by strangers, "Are you lesbian?" And she replied, saying that she was straight. I don't know, though, if that statement was true, or was just an outright lie. People can be cruel in words if you openly say that you're "not straight".

~Maki, The Child of Darkness

[synaesthetic]

It's pretty rare to get gay-bashed on asuki. The regulars are pretty progressive folk. I'm a trans female and I identify as a lesbian, so I'm even more open to ridicule, and nobody here's given me shit for it at all.

I wish I could ask about my dating problems here but I'm really not ready to share the reason for the problems with everyone here. It took me a while to even tell some of my real-life friends, but I hope I can do something about it... otherwise I'm doomed to keep breaking relationships.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

It's pretty rare to get gay-bashed on asuki. The regulars are pretty progressive folk. I'm a trans female and I identify as a lesbian, so I'm even more open to ridicule, and nobody here's given me shit for it at all.

I wish I could ask about my dating problems here but I'm really not ready to share the reason for the problems with everyone here. It took me a while to even tell some of my real-life friends, but I hope I can do something about it... otherwise I'm doomed to keep breaking relationships.

On the flip side of that coin, those who do gay-bash others here tend to get nutjob-bashed by everyone else almost instantaneously.

Hey pal, I've been meaning to ask you; how's your situation currently? You were in a bad way the last time you talked to us, so how are you holding up now?

And besides, I dunno what reasons you may have for not being ready to talk to us about your dating problems, but I'm sure if you can work it out, we'll be ready to listen anytime.

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

On the flip side of that coin, those who do gay-bash others here tend to get nutjob-bashed by everyone else almost instantaneously.

This is true. :3

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Hey pal, I've been meaning to ask you; how's your situation currently? You were in a bad way the last time you talked to us, so how are you holding up now?

Things are more stable now but I'm still not in a good position yet. I need to get a stable income otherwise I've got no clue what I'll do.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

And besides, I dunno what reasons you may have for not being ready to talk to us about your dating problems, but I'm sure if you can work it out, we'll be ready to listen anytime.

I'm still trying to figure out if I should be in therapy for these things. Not really ready to start shouting it from the rooftops so to speak. ^^;

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by Maki Casanova

Hmm.. You guys are a pretty interesting bunch, although I'm not that interested about James Bond. Now that you guys mention it, the "Womanizer" song kinda suits him... If he cat walks around and 'round holding a rose between his teeth and acting all... flamboyant. Haha. xD

Anyways, I myself have a... love problem. I'm a girl, you see, and I've started to massively crush on these two girls in my classes (all in all, I actually have four, but I don't feel as strongly as with the other two, and yes, I am lesbian). I find of them really attractive (yes, I shamefully admit I am shallow), but I'm tongue-tied in my efforts to strike up a conversation. I'm a shy type when it comes to things like these, V_V and my conversational skills are pathetic, sadly.

I'd like to know if you guys have any advice for me; that is, if you don't mind my orientation.
I don't expect really, really good advice, but maybe an encouraging word or two may help.

~Maki, The Child of Darkness

TBH I'd be more surprised if you weren't attracted to them... in general the first thing you notice are someone's looks.. then you get to know the person beneath.. (at least, IMO)...

And yeah, no one's going to bash you here, you've got people like synaesthetic (who is incredibly brave to be so open about her gender status and mad kudos to her) and me here (who's a biexual poly woman), so yeah if they handle us, a lesbian won't make em bat an eye

Anyhow, if you don't know if they're gay, IMO, get to know them better and ask them; and they should also know that you are gay, but are interested in being their friend, not just pursuing them. Honesty is the best policy IMO. Besides, as you get to know them better, you may decide that staying friends is the best option. There may be some quirks you didn't notice before that would drive you batty were you to start a relationship with them.

And if they're the kind to go "eww, lezbo!!" then frankly they're not worth your time even getting to know, IMO.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Things are more stable now but I'm still not in a good position yet. I need to get a stable income otherwise I've got no clue what I'll do.

ICIC. Good luck with your life from here on.

I'm still trying to figure out if I should be in therapy for these things. Not really ready to start shouting it from the rooftops so to speak. ^^;

I guess that's understandable. We'll still be here should you need us.

[0utf0xZer0]

Originally Posted by cheyannew

TBH I'd be more surprised if you weren't attracted to them... in general the first thing you notice are someone's looks.. then you get to know the person beneath.. (at least, IMO)...

Hmmm... for me personally, I would say that looks are the first part of a two stage filter. The second filter is whether I feel comfortable revealing just how much of a nerd I am to that person - I don't know, maybe the possibility just doesn't seem "real" to me until someone passes the second filter.

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by 0utf0xZer0

Hmmm... for me personally, I would say that looks are the first part of a two stage filter. The second filter is whether I feel comfortable revealing just how much of a nerd I am to that person - I don't know, maybe the possibility just doesn't seem "real" to me until someone passes the second filter.

AGREED COMPLETELY.

I get so worried that even if someone likes the way I look and I like the way they look, I just wonder if they can tolerate me.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

AGREED COMPLETELY.

I get so worried that even if someone likes the way I look and I like the way they look, I just wonder if they can tolerate me.

The guy I used to love was actually just as much of a geek as I am, if not worse. Our problems stemmed from other factors.

[Maki Casanova]

@ Everyone

Yay. I don't have to hide in a closet. At least, not in here. Why can't people in real life be as tolerant as people in the Internet?

@Cheyannew

I'll try to get to know them better, certainly, but I don't really think that telling them I'm lesbian by that time isn't such a good idea, since they may not be the type who tolerate different genders. If they're at least okay with me, then I guess I'll continue being friends with them. If not, then... Woosh! Bye bye, amigas.

And oh! One of my major crushes (let's call her K) was absent for almost a week! >.< She came back today, and I was planning to ask her how she was doing and all that, but I didn't get a chance to do so since we had a test during that class! Darn, why is it so hard to make new friends??? I guess socializing isn't one of my strong points. :/ ... T_T I am such a noooob...

@Synthaesthetic

Hmm.. You're trans, and lesbian? So you're a male to female, and you're a homosexual... Hmm... Wonder how that works, when you were a guy in the first place. Correct me if I'm wrong. Kinda confused here.

~Maki, The Child of Darkness

[Splitpersonality]

Originally Posted by Maki

@ Everyone

Yay. I don't have to hide in a closet. At least, not in here. Why can't people in real life be as tolerant as people in the Internet?

The internet has a sort of anonymity which is very nice, here I'm able to talk about things I'd not be able to talk about to people face to face, and there is a certain level of trust available to total strangers who have no vested interest in your outcome, but choose to help anyway, over people who may know you closer.

Despite some sites giving it a bad reputation the internet (hate machine) is a rather tolerant place, but it's a double edged sword of course.

This place is just cool imo :thumbsup:

[UltimaWolf]

So I guess my situation isn't doing much better...

It was going alright at first, we would still text often and still see each other a bit when we could, and we both would still say I love you...until about Sunday when she started to text me, etc less. I thought it was because I was sick at first and she was letting me rest, but it kept getting less and less, which isnt like us at all, this kept on till Tuesday. Then that evening she stopped by with her mom really quick and brought me some brownies she made for me. So I thought things were going good again, but then that night the same thing happened. I finally asked her if somthing was bothering her or if I had done somthing wrong and that she could talk to me about anything at all, and she just said I hadn't done anything wrong. We did a tiny bit of smalltalk about us, but she stopped after-awhile. Today I was hoping would be better since we have class together today, but she practically ignored me the whole time, and the only time she even said anything at all to me was when I asked her somthing, which she just replied with the quick response. Then she left without saying goodbye and hasn't talked to me all night. So I have no idea what's going on. ......

On a side note: Her parents are having a Halloween party with a bunch of their friends Saturday and they invited me to come, which I'm not so sure if I still should now since she'll be there and I really don't think I can do another 'awkard-ignore-each-other' night...

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Maki Casanova

@ Everyone

Yay. I don't have to hide in a closet. At least, not in here. Why can't people in real life be as tolerant as people in the Internet?

Because it's the little things that set us off. You're reading what I'm writing, and in your mind you're visualizing me and perhaps have a voice for what I'm saying. All of that is coming from you, so unless I say something that offends you, you're likely to visualize me in a manner that is pleasing to you.

Offline, you don't get that choice. You can interpret my words, but the tone is mine, my appearance is mine, any potentially annoying mannerisms that I have are also out of your control. Add to that the fact that I may give body language that would confuse you or make you think that I was meaning something other than what I said, and you can see how much more easily conflicts would arise.

So you're a lesbian? That's perfectly fine, and we could get along just fine. On the other hand I've met some lesbians whose appearance (extremely flamboyant, yet somehow "stereotypically lesbian") would simply make me uncomfortable to associate with them. In that case their sexual orientation itself has nothing to do with it, it's just them.

But if you were referring purely to the people who bash homosexuals (among other groups), they're on the internet, as well. Just not here, because most of us here either are or used to be social outcasts, and thus we're not likely to attack other "outcast" groups.

Originally Posted by Maki Casanova

Hmm.. You're trans, and lesbian? So you're a male to female, and you're a homosexual... Hmm... Wonder how that works, when you were a guy in the first place. Correct me if I'm wrong. Kinda confused here.

She went from being a male to being a female, but maintained the preference for women. So she is biologically heterosexual (at the genetic level), but mentally/physiologically homosexual.

Originally Posted by UltimaWolf

It was going alright at first, we would still text often and still see each other a bit when we could, and we both would still say I love you...until about Sunday when she started to text me, etc less. I thought it was because I was sick at first and she was letting me rest, but it kept getting less and less, which isnt like us at all, this kept on till Tuesday. Then that evening she stopped by with her mom really quick and brought me some brownies she made for me. So I thought things were going good again, but then that night the same thing happened. I finally asked her if somthing was bothering her or if I had done somthing wrong and that she could talk to me about anything at all, and she just said I hadn't done anything wrong. We did a tiny bit of smalltalk about us, but she stopped after-awhile. Today I was hoping would be better since we have class together today, but she practically ignored me the whole time, and the only time she even said anything at all to me was when I asked her somthing, which she just replied with the quick response. Then she left without saying goodbye and hasn't talked to me all night. So I have no idea what's going on. ......

On a side note: Her parents are having a Halloween party with a bunch of their friends Saturday and they invited me to come, which I'm not so sure if I still should now since she'll be there and I really don't think I can do another 'awkard-ignore-each-other' night...

You're worrying too much that there's something on your end. If you presented yourself in an open manner and told her that she could tell you if you'd done something wrong and she said that you had not, you have to believe her. If you can't trust her the relationship will disintegrate. Granted, I would not tell you to stop considering that you've done something wrong entirely - there's always the chance that she's too afraid to tell you, even though you presented yourself in an open manner. But for now, drop it.

Instead, focus on her. Is there something going on in her life that's bothering her? Is she depressed? Worried? Anxious? You don't want to come off as a therapist or problem-solver, but you should probably reassure her that you're here for her if she ever needs someone to talk to or just be comforted by (don't speak under the assumption that something is terribly wrong, though - I don't know about other people, but I tend to get miffed when people act as though something terrible must have happened to me when in reality I'm just feeling normal).

I'd go to the party. Maybe it will just be another awkward night, but maybe not. Again, focus on her - how would she feel if you didn't show up? You'd probably introduce doubt into her mind that you care about her at all, or still like her. You do care about her, don't you? So you want to avoid even potentially getting those types of thoughts into her head. Honestly, even if (worst case scenario) she's thinking of breaking up with you or something of that sort, and you spend that night awkwardly and then get dumped the following day, you can't assume that's what it is. You'd be making this potential sacrifice for her, and for the relationship that the two of you share.

Give her some time, and try not to stew over it. If this keeps up for more than two weeks or so, you can increase your aggressiveness about finding out what's going on.

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by Maki Casanova

@Synthaesthetic

Hmm.. You're trans, and lesbian? So you're a male to female, and you're a homosexual... Hmm... Wonder how that works, when you were a guy in the first place. Correct me if I'm wrong. Kinda confused here.

~Maki, The Child of Darkness

Ledgem pretty much nailed it. My gender identity is not a consequence of my sexuality and vice versa. They're interrelated of course, since sexuality often depends on both physiology and psychology, but not a result of the other.

A lot of folk expect me to like men and get confused when I tell them I like women. ^^; There's some misconception that transgendered people "change" because of their sexuality, which is usually never true. A rather large percentage of trans females are attracted to other women.

[UltimaWolf]

Thanks Ledgem. Yeah I haven't tried to talk to her today at all and a little while ago, she texted me saying she is/was frustrated at me and thats why she has been acting like this, and that I apparently piss her off alot and she's done for now. So atleast I got my answer.. I don't think I'll be going to the party now, I'm just gonna give her time away from me, see if she still wants anything to do with me.

[Ledgem]

I'm sorry to hear that, and it's also too bad that she wasn't more up-front with you about voicing things that annoyed her. It isn't easy to do, telling someone you're intimate with that they're doing something that bothers you, but for a relationship to work long-term it needs to be done (because the chances of finding someone who does absolutely nothing that annoys you for your entire life are slim to none).

You seem to be taking it well, though - good for you.

[RadiantBeam]

UltimaWolf, from what I can tell you've done nothing wrong. She wanted the space to get away from you and figure herself out, and you gave her that space and haven't been bothering her about it. At this point, whatever's going on, it's out of your hands and completely in hers. Though I'm still sorry to hear that now she's avoiding you. I'm also going to echo what Ledgem said: to make a relationship work, you need to be honest about everything, including your flaws and little annoyances. Trying to hide something like that or cover it up only makes things worse in the long run.

Glad to see you're taking it in stride, though. I wish you luck.

[UltimaWolf]

Thanks Ledgem and RadiantBeam Yeah I guess I'm taking it alright, I'm just optimistic it'll all work out I guess...Though I really don't get women .

Like I mentioned I wasn't planning on talking to her unless she talked to me, so I wake up today with a text from her, asking about my flu shot I was getting today...yeah pretty trivial but whatever. So I reply back, and she keeps talking to me until I head to work. Then she texts me later that shes coming up to work for some reason, I'm at lunch at this time sitting in my car, she pulls up next to me evenutally. I don't make any move to try and talk to her or anything but she comes over to me and talks for a bit, etc. Then later on that night she starts texting me again and its slow at work so we began talking about all our different surgeries and reasons for going to the hospital in our life and just random stuff.
We pretty much continue texting each other till I get off, when she starts to talk about work and how she hates it, we talk about that for awhile, but eventually I say somthing stupid and screw it up So she's kinda mad at me again..Ah well Atleast we talked, and we both work the same shift tomorrow....and then theres the party...so we'll see how all this goes.

[Ledgem]

Well, I get some women, but I don't get your girlfriend. I'll be interested to see what was on her mind during this time period, if she ever tells you more about it.