Flashes in Space- Memories in Pieces (KOIZUMI)
“Hey,” I said to Kyon. “Have you ever had a dream where you were held up by some crazy woman with a weird gun, only it might not actually have been a dream, but actually was, but then it was just a drug-induced hallucination, but was actually a fantasy that you thought up one day when you were bored, then was real after all, then wasn't, or maybe it was, and you felt you got cheated out of your money because the movie made no sense?”
“..............................Hah?” Kyon give me the kind of look you give someone who should be committed. In fact, she might be thinking of calling the nuthouse right now.
No! I don't want to be shut in a rubber room! I am not a number! I am a free bumblebee!
“Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz,” I said.
Alas, instead of redeeming myself in her eyes, I have only become more of an idiot. I suppose this was inevitable. ...If I had a time machine, I'd like to go back to two minutes ago and make myself look cool and suave instead of stupid and lame.
But that's a story for another day.
“Anyway, we finally have a transfer student!” I hovered over Kyon's desk like a large UFO, ready to abduct her for horrible experiments. “It's awesome, isn't it? The transfer student's finally here! A transfer student! This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! Sure, its unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely an MTS (Mysterious Transfer Student), no doubt about that! A transfer student! Wheeeeeeee!”
I was trying to make her smile, but she just looked more annoyed.
“You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?”
Aw, come on. At least pay a little bit of attention to things that I say.
"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!" Mysterious with a capital M. That's how you know it's important.
Kyon immediately went on a slightly angry rant about the nature of statistics and how transfer students are ridiculously common, but I decided to ignore her. I was too busy being excited about the transfer student.
FLASH
At the end of first period, I bolted out of the classroom at Warp Five, leaving Kyon clutching his head in despair. It only took me five seconds to reach Class 1-9, the new home of the Mysterious Transfer Student.
I kicked open the door. And by “kicked open”, I mean “slid open with enough force that it went flying off its rails and knocked one of the girls in the back row unconscious.”
I grabbed some milquetoast standing nearby and, using my best angry voice, yelled “Where's the transfer student at?!” I think he wet himself, but was too busy yelling to notice.
Milquetoast pointed at a group of girls sitting in the top left corner of the desks, who had been shocked into silence by my impressive and manly voice. I strode over them, making sure to put on my best rape face.
“So...” I said quietly and carefully. “Which one of you is the transfer student?”
Three of the girls were about to faint, but the fourth one calmly raised her hand, as though a scary person wasn't standing right in front of her.
“That would be me. I'm Itsuko Koizumi. Pleased to meet you.”
...! It's the enemy! No, wait, it's an extremely beautiful girl!
Perfect face! Perfect eyes! Perfectly formed lips! A perfect smile Perfect wavy hair! (Needs a ponytail, though. And maybe a big ribbon.) Perfect hands! She's even wearing pantyhose, which is perfect! And... gasp! Barely concealed, barely contained beneath her uniform! Are those... perfect breasts!?
IT'S PERFECT!
This woman is, physically, perfect. That means one of three things. Either she's an esper, a seductive secret agent, or a murdering psychopath.
Any which way you look, she's perfect for my club!
I pull up a nearby chair and sit down with my arms on the backrest, smiling in what I think is a nonchalant way. Time to begin the Questioning Period.
“Koizumi-san, right~?”
She nods. The other girls are backing away. I pretend they don't exist.
“Where are you from?”
“Tokyo Metropolis.”
Damn, I was hoping she'd say something like 'F City, F Prefecture.'
“What's your true identity?”
“A high school student, I believe. Also a woman.”
Hmm. Very normal.
“Are you an alien!?”
“Not since the last time I checked.”
Geh, smooth. Too smooth.
“Koizumi-san, will you marry me!?”
“Now, is that the, ah, sort of question you should be asking at this stage in our relationship, Suzumiya-san? At least wait until the first date...”
...? I didn't introduce myself...
“How could I not have heard of you, Suzumiya-san?” She gives an over-exaggerated shrug. Mysterious. “You are, shall we say... infamous.”
Hmmmmmm.
FLASH
At the next break, leaving Kyon in the dust once again, I ran over to the 1-9 classroom. They'd already fixed the door. How diligent. Oops, there it goes again.
Koizumi-san was talking with her friends again, all of whom were obviously paying less attention to her words and more to her assets. I'm sure she notices, but I don't think she cares.
How Mysterious. Remember, the capital is significant.
I stride across the room, knocking aside desks and chairs and a girl with a bandage on her head in my rampage.
“Koooooizumi-san?”
“Yes, what is it, Suzumiya-san?” Her worshippers had all gone to hide in conspicuous locations.
“I, Haruki Suzumiya, would like to ask you to join my club, the SOS Brigade! Together, we shall conquer the universe!”
In response, she gives me a wicked, foxlike smile.
She's perfect.
FLASH
I kicked open the door. And by “kick open”, I mean “shoved open with extreme prejudice”, since it's kind of awkward to kick open a door while pulling someone along.
“Heeeey guys. Kept ya waiting, didn't I?” I happily interrupted Mitsuuru-kun and Nagato-san's game of Othello. “This is 1-9's new Mysterious Transfer Student! His name is--”
The overly handsome, hairspray commercial introduced himself. To be honest, I really do like this guy, even if he's irritatingly perfect. Since he's only slightly less attractive than I am, he's the perfect person to have as your wingman.
“I'm Itsuki Koizumi. Pleased to meet you all.”
Kyon stood up and spent a moment or two sizing up my new recruit. Itsuki-kun only gave her a brilliant smile, and she blushed noticeably.
I resisted my sudden impulse to throw Itsuki-kun out the window.
"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room! I'm the Commander, Haruki Suzumiya! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along!” I waggled a finger at him.
And if you get along a little too well, it's defenestration for you, my boy.
“Well, I don't mind joining, of course... but what kind of club is this?”
Oh. Oh my. He asked. He asked the question. The question that I've been wanting to hear from the very beginning. Ku. Ku ku. Kukukukukukukukuku.
Of course, I had to make the answer up on the spot, since I really haven't given much thought to the answer.
“You didn't know?” I said, pushing up my invisible glasses. "Then let me enlighten you as to the true purpose of the SOS Brigade!"
FLASH
“Ah! Excuse me!”
Of course, walking in on a sight like that would be a surprise to any man, manly or not. I have Asahina-san on the floor, dressed in a maid uniform. I'm molesting her, and Kyon was just about to kick me in the nose when Itsuki-kun showed up.
The true measure of a man is how they deal with this situation.
He looks... puzzled. “Is this some sort of club activity?”
Perfect! “I knew I could count on you, Itsuki-kun! You came at just the right time! I have a job for you!”
Dropping Asahina-san, who I've throughly ruined for marriage, I hasten to whisper my nefarious plot into Itsuki-kun's ear.
“What's going on here?” It's Kyon, who is, of course, suspicious.
“Remember that present I promised you?” I had to promise her something to get her to work on my website a few days ago, although at the time I had no intention of giving her anything... this has changed.
A look of sheer, concentrated, utter, absolute terror passed over Kyon's face. I grabbed a bag in a corner that I had prepared earlier, and pulled out a pair of red bunny ears.
Ku ku ku ku ku HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!
I laughed inside of my head.
Kyon tried to escape and even threatened me with a rape lawsuit, but I just pushed her into Itsuki-kun, threw him the bag, dragged Yuuki-kun and a sobbing Asahina-san outside, and locked the door behind me.
It wasn't long before I heard the screams. Aaaah. Delicious suffering. It tastes like veal, which also tastes like suffering. And baby cow.
Wait.
Did I just.
Lock Kyon.
Alone.
In a room.
With a guy I barely know?
And who I told to strip and force her into a bunny girl outfit, and that he could cop a feel on the side if he felt like it?
Why did I do that? Why would I do that?
The fact that she's screaming now would imply...
“ITSUKI-KUUUUN!”
I wrench open the door, grab that rat bastard by the collar and the seat of his pants, and chuck him out the window.
Defenestratiooooooon!
CRASH
“You seem to be upset, Suzumiya-san,” Koizumi-san says to me.
I'm not upset. Even if Kyon is all alone, walking somewhere with Mitsuuru-kun. Why would I be upset?
We're in some random park in the middle of town. Koizumi-san and I are sitting on a bench while Nagato-san stares at birds.
“...You don't have a girlfriend, do you?”
I'm a little annoyed by this line of questioning, but I'll let it slide. “I've dated lots and lots of girls... but nah, don't have one currently.”
“...Then,” Koizumi-san looks at me slyly. “...Do you want a girlfriend...?”
...
Hey now.
I paste a grin on my visage. “If you're trying to ask me out, I'm afraid I'm going to have to refuse, pleasant as it would be. I don't want to damage our working relationship.”
She shakes her head. “No, it's not that...”
Oh, good. That would definitely have damaged our working relationship.
Her voice turns deadly serious. “I am asking in objective terms, Suzumiya-san: Do you or do you not want a girlfriend?”
Koizumi-san's eyes are like pools of toxic black liquid. Deadly, but in a strange way, beautiful.
FLASH
We split up again later on... this time, my group consisted of myself, Koizumi-san, and Asahina-san. In other words, Kyon got to go with Yuuki-kun this time.
...I'm not really that upset. If I was upset, I'd be crushing the paper cup my soda came in. ...Oh, wait, I just did that. Must be a reflex.
...The minute she realized she was going to be in a group with me, Asahina-san ran away screaming... it took us all of the time I allotted to catch her.
What a waste of time.
When the three of us got back to the meeting place, however, no one was there, even though it was quarter after four already.
Where the hell are those two!? What on earth are they doing!?
Koizumi-san convinced me to just be patient and wait, but “patient” and “wait” aren't in my dictionary. ...Nonetheless, I did wait fifteen minutes before deciding to call.
“Exactly what time do you think it is now!?”
I'm much, much angrier than I thought I'd be.
“Sorry, I just woke up...”
...
... Just woke up, huh?
Just woke up, eh?
What does that mean, I wonder?
What does it mean?
Damage control.
“What!? Dumbass! Get your ass over here NOW! I'm giving you thirty seconds!”
I hang up abruptly.
“What's going on?” Koizumi-san asks.
...
“She said she had just woken up.”
“...Ah, I see.”
I slump onto the nearby steps. Almost as if sensing my innermost feelings, Koizumi-san puts a hand on my shoulder.
“I'm sure she had just fallen asleep somewhere. I'm sure it's not what you're thinking, Suzumiya-san.”
I brush her away. “I wasn't thinking of anything. I'm just pissed that she has the audacity to be this late!”
I call Kyon a few more times for good measure, but she never picks up.
I live alone in a world full of lies. Despite her best efforts, Koizumi-san will never be able to join me there.
I like being alone.
FLASH
I'm an idiot. Well, I already knew that, but this just further proves my idiocy.
I opened myself up completely to Kyon today. I laid bare all of my frustrations. That was a mistake.
By voicing them to someone else, my fear, anger, and melancholy have all gained substance. My lies are made manifest.
I'm surrounded, trapped by my own turmoil on all sides.
The vibration of my cellphone snaps me back to the reality of the uncomfortable telephone I'm leaning against.
It's a text message from... Koizumi-san, of all people? What she doing, sending me something like this?
Suzumiya-san,
I joined your club because of how impressed I was by your determination to succeed at a goal that most people would consider insane. A goal that I, as part of your wonderful club, now share.
I am sorry. I'm having trouble expressing myself.
What I mean to say is this: As long as you believe in something strongly enough, it will, without fail, come true. I can guarantee this much.
If you believe strongly that one day you will meet aliens, time travellers, and espers, one day, you will find them. And if you believe strongly that one day you will discover true love... I have faith that you'll succeed.
Although there are times when it might seem impossible, I urge you: Never give up on your dreams.
Itsuko<3
...Who writes text messages in the style of letters? At least send this sort of thing by email.
...Sigh. Thank you, Koizumi-san. Thank you so much.
But it's too late now. I've already given up on one dream, and the other is soon to follow.
...
...
...
Still. I think this can be a tiny shard of light in the middle of my darkness.
...I think Koizumi-san deserves a promotion for this.
I get up and stretch. Enough moping around for one day.
I cross the road and get hit by a black taxi cab.
CRASH
I wake up on the sidewalk, apparently unharmed. Except for the fact that I'm a woman.
I spend about five minutes causing various physical injuries to myself before I'm sure that it isn't a dream.
So... in this situation, what should I do...? I guess I'll try contacting someone and see if they know a way to return myself to normal. ...Koizumi-san seems like she'd know about this kind of thing.
I call, but an unknown man answers, addressing me as “Suzumiya-san”. I hang up out of apprehension.
Already, I suspect what's happening, but... to make sure, I call the others.
Same deal. I call Mitsuuru-kun. Some girl answers, knows who I am, I hang up. I call Yuuki. There's no response other than light breathing, so I hang up.
I call Kyon's cell. Some pissed-off sounding guy answers, calls me 'Haruhi', and tells me not to bother him any more today.
I hang up, but he calls me back.
...He sounds worried, and asks where I am. He'll be right there, he says.
He must have detected the fear in my womanly voice.
I throw my pink cellphone into the garbage, and return home.
My parents are people I don't know.
I greet them causally, then go into my room.
...It's much the same as it always is, except for the underwear. At least there are some constants in the world.
I don't want to live like this.
I've spent my whole life looking for change, for something exciting to do, and when thing are finally different... I want them to be the same.
How horribly ironic.
I just want to die. Please, someone let me die.
It's melodramatic, but it's how I feel. We all feel like that sometimes. Most of us don't have the guts to go through with it, and life continues on.
...I fish around in my skirt pocket for something to kill myself with. Maybe I carry a taser.
No, it's just a silver tube of lipstick.
...No wait. It's not a tube of lipstick. It's a handgun. And it's already loaded. How convenient.
Mechanically, I slowly raise the gun up... and point the barrel at the bottom of my chin.
It's ice cold. The barrel, not my chin.
Death is but the next great adventure.
Centimeter by centimeter, I squeeze the trigger.
...Who knows what lies beyond death?
I will.
The distinct noise of a gunshot is the last sound that I will leave behind.
FLASH
Always remember: What is true for the one is true for the other.
Kiss kiss. Bang bang.
FLASH
And then I “wake up”.
2010-01-12, 14:25
