AnimeSuki Forums

Register Forum Rules FAQ Members List Social Groups Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   AnimeSuki Forum > General > General Chat

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 2009-10-21, 12:38   Link #2001
Jinto
Asuki-tan Kairin ↓
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Fürth (GER)
Age: 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy View Post
Things have gotten a lot worse since my last post.
My boyfriend comes over pretty much every day for a few hours to see our little girl, he wants to stay all day whenever he's not working, but he has to cut the time back because my parents can't stand him. This is putting a lot of stress on our relationship. He wants to be with our baby and me all the time and my parents are doing whatever they can to make sure that doesn't happen.

I think it was Saturday, he had the day off and came over around 4 and stayed til 9. We have a big patio where we hold parties and family gatherings out back, it's got a tv, fire pit, etc. My mom and dad hung out there the entire time, my younger brother too, he's not really sure of what's going on. He actually likes Casey. But anyway, Casey, Kendal, and I had the house to our selves the whole time. We played with her, watched movies with her, fed her some baby food, gave her a bath, a bunch of stuff. He's so good with her and loves her, she loves him so much she always laughs and squeals when she sees him.

After he left, my parents came back in and I was sitting on the couch feeding Kendal. My mom walks by and shoots me a death glare, it was pretty ugly. I ask her what the hell her problem is and she says that she was in prison all day. I look over at my dad and ask him what's going on and he says that "It's time for me to move on." I got pissed, said that they have no idea how selfish they're being. I'm happy. I love him, he loves our daughter and me, he's done nothing to deserve the way that he's being treated besides getting me pregnant and that's half my fault anyway. He's had a rough past (I mentioned that he was abused by his biological parents and was adopted at 12 years old.) He's got some baggage, but he's strong because of all that he's been through. My parents think that he's gonna treat Kendal and I like he and his brother were treated and they've got it completely wrong. He is so determined to give her the life he never had and they're just so stubborn that they can't accept that he's a good person. He's seriously been through hell and back and it hasn't ruined him as a person. They just don't like the idea that he has no real family since he's not so close to his adopted family. When they picture someone for me, they want a guy who's got a huge family, he's in college, blah blah blah. They just don't understand.

He's had to do everything for himself and his brother since DAY ONE. No one, but me, is there to stand behind him and tell him that everything is gonna be okay. He and his brother were seperated when Casey was adopted, so he was alone until we met. We became friends when I was a sophomore and he was a junior, then started dating that summer. Everyone has left his side and given up on him. I swear that I will not be one of those people. I just see him like no one else does and I'm ridiculed because of that. I love him so much, I've never loved any other guy as much as I love him. We're best friends, I swear he's the guy version of me we have so much in common. The only reason that we fight is because of all the things my parents are putting us though. This is just so hard, I really need some encouragement. I know that I'm doing the right thing and even if some of you don't agree, I won't change my mind. I honestly believe that I am here on this earth to help and and love him, since no one else has.

I'm sorry this was so long, I've just had a lot on my mind and it felt so good to let it out.
I'ld move out. No need to strain both parties (your - let me call it - new little family and your family). I don't know you nor your boyfriend nor your parents, thus don't take my point of view too seriously - but think about it, sometimes a little bit distance can fix things. Then again I am really in no position to give any credible advice in this case.
__________________
Folding@Home, Team Animesuki
Jinto is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 14:56   Link #2002
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
Thank you everyone for your advice and concerns about my situation. To answer a few questions: yes, he has been to counceling many times throughout the years. I've actually gone with him quite a few times, starting from back when we were just friends up until last year. Every counselor that he's been with has said positive things about him and said that he seems to be over his past.

And I should've mentioned that we are planning on getting a place of our own very soon. We've been saving up for a while now and we've been looking around for a few months. I know that my parents are probably gonna go beserk when I do move out, but I need space. All my life, they've kept me under a close watch and honestly, that's the main reason I became pregnant in the first place. I'd sneak out and meet up with friends and go to parties because they wouldn't let me hang out with my friends. The more they try and force me to do what they want, I'm just gonna keep rebelling. I wish they could understand that I'm almost 19 years old, I have a daughter of my own, and I'm capable of making my own decisions. I know that they love me and only treat me this way because they want what's best, I understand completely, but I also think that it's time they let me take control of my own life.

Thank you again for everything. I will keep you guys updated.
K_Babyy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 16:13   Link #2003
RadiantBeam
Test Drive
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to RadiantBeam
@K_Babyy: From what I can tell, your boyfriend sounds like a lovely young man and he loves you and your little girl a lot. I wish you both luck. ^^

Now I'm going to play devil's advocate here with your parents. I understand that you need to get away from them, and that they've tried to shield you all your life, but at the same time you have to understand where they're coming from. They love you a lot and they don't want you to make decisions you might regret, and (no offense to you or your boyfriend) the fact that you're almost nineteen and have a baby makes them even more protective of you because they want to keep you from making those kinds of 'mistakes' in the future (I know you don't consider it a mistake and I'm sure your parents love your baby, but I can't imagine that they ever dreamed you'd be a mother while still so young). They want you to live your life to the fullest and make the best choices you can, so for them, this has to be hard when they see you with a boy they don't approve of, starting a life they might not have wanted for you right away (what I mean is, perhaps they wanted you to go to college before you had a baby).

I'm not trying to be offensive or anything, but I can relate to your parents' concern. My family went through the same thing when my cousin had a child and the father abandoned them both.

EDIT: I should add, though, that my cousin's boyfriend was a jerk none of us liked, while your Casey sounds like a sweet, loving father. I just remember how hard that was for all of us, especially her since she didn't think he'd abandon her like that.
__________________
RadiantBeam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 16:18   Link #2004
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
Yea, I do understand where my parents are coming from, but they can't try and shield me like this forever haha. I'm sure when my daughter's my age I'll be a lot more understanding, but for now, I really need a break.

No offense taken at all, thank you for the advice. =]
K_Babyy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 16:19   Link #2005
RadiantBeam
Test Drive
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to RadiantBeam
Ah, good, I didn't want to offend you. Honestly, I'm rooting for you and your boyfriend and your daughter. ^^ I hope everything works out for you.
__________________
RadiantBeam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 16:20   Link #2006
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
Thanks a ton, I do too.
K_Babyy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 16:27   Link #2007
cheyannew
PolyPerson!
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Northern VA
hahah radientbeam beat me to it.. teach me not to read the whole page...
__________________
"...we are wolves in a flock of sheep. We are the hunters. We are the Alphas and we are on this Earth to conquer."

RIFT | Division | Side 7 Art Archive
cheyannew is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 16:40   Link #2008
RadiantBeam
Test Drive
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to RadiantBeam
Reading the whole page is so much fun, though.
__________________
RadiantBeam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 18:17   Link #2009
Cinocard
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy
We've been saving up for a while now and we've been looking around for a few months. I know that my parents are probably gonna go beserk when I do move out, but I need space.
I don't support moving out. Staying with your parents may make you and Casey suffer, but it is best for your daughter.

But even if you move out, don't hide it from your parents. Have a talk with them. Tell them your intention (except when you think they have the ability, and the wish to make it impossible, though I doubt they would go that far). Ask them for help in finding a location, even if you think they won't help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy
The more they try and force me to do what they want, I'm just gonna keep rebelling.
They force you to do what they want too much, they make mistake. That put you under stress, and your rebel is understandable and can be sympathized. But rebelling still is not an wise action. I hope you can see that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy
I wish they could understand that I'm almost 19 years old, I have a daughter of my own, and I'm capable of making my own decisions.
You say that, but have you ever proved to them that you can do that? I bet not. Sneaking out to parties, and getting pregnant in high school is not so convincing.

Trust cannot be taken for granted. Rationally show them your resolution. Say you love them, for them, and for you yourself, you will take care of your life perfectly. Even if they act arrogantly, don't ever lose your head and shout things like: "for godsake plz goddamn believe in your own daughter for once." Be silent. Be calm. And affirm them of your resolution again and again. If you also act childish when they act childish, they will never change their mindset of: "I can take care of her better than she can." You have to act more mature than them. It is hard, but you are also a mom now
Cinocard is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 21:32   Link #2010
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
Wow, thank you very much for that.
It's gonna be tough, but I'm gonna try my hardest to act more mature when they treat me that way.

I know it may not be best for my daughter if I move out, but I told him that I will not be moving out until we can find all three of us health insurance along with him getting a better job. Right now, she's going to the best pediatricians in our town and I'm not moving out until I'm guaranteed that she will not have to leave there or until he has a higher income. I will also be putting everything that she needs first, I do not want my daughter to lack in anything that she needs and I will make sure that she doesn't, I promise.

I know that sneaking out to parties and getting pregnant in high school isn't showing them that I'm responsible, but keep in mind that that was more than a year ago and I've matured in so many different ways in that time, especially since I have my baby girl now.
__________________
K_Babyy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 22:08   Link #2011
eLcHaKeTeRo
Falls for it every time.
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Age: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy View Post
Wow, thank you very much for that.
It's gonna be tough, but I'm gonna try my hardest to act more mature when they treat me that way.

I know it may not be best for my daughter if I move out, but I told him that I will not be moving out until we can find all three of us health insurance along with him getting a better job. Right now, she's going to the best pediatricians in our town and I'm not moving out until I'm guaranteed that she will not have to leave there or until he has a higher income. I will also be putting everything that she needs first, I do not want my daughter to lack in anything that she needs and I will make sure that she doesn't, I promise.

I know that sneaking out to parties and getting pregnant in high school isn't showing them that I'm responsible, but keep in mind that that was more than a year ago and I've matured in so many different ways in that time, especially since I have my baby girl now.
I wish I still lived with my parents, well not really @25 that would be creepy. What I'm trying to say is that growing up too fast is never a good thing. Seeing as you're a teenage mother you took a huge leap into "responsibility" having your parents helping you out by staying there longer is something you will quickly appreciate when you have to pay your own bills and such. Eventually you will be in your parent's place, try to understand what they are trying to do for you and your child. Sometimes being mature is also knowing when to take help graciously.
__________________
eLcHaKeTeRo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 22:15   Link #2012
RadiantBeam
Test Drive
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to RadiantBeam
Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy View Post
Wow, thank you very much for that.
It's gonna be tough, but I'm gonna try my hardest to act more mature when they treat me that way.

I know it may not be best for my daughter if I move out, but I told him that I will not be moving out until we can find all three of us health insurance along with him getting a better job. Right now, she's going to the best pediatricians in our town and I'm not moving out until I'm guaranteed that she will not have to leave there or until he has a higher income. I will also be putting everything that she needs first, I do not want my daughter to lack in anything that she needs and I will make sure that she doesn't, I promise.

I know that sneaking out to parties and getting pregnant in high school isn't showing them that I'm responsible, but keep in mind that that was more than a year ago and I've matured in so many different ways in that time, especially since I have my baby girl now.
My cousin was only a few years older than you when she had her baby, and she stayed with her family for a number of years, and it helped her a lot in the long run. It isn't a bad thing to stay with your parents, even if they don't agree with some of their decisions. They love you a lot and they sound like they love your daughter, and they want what's best for both of you. Living with them until you're steady on your feet isn't a bad thing.
__________________
RadiantBeam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 22:25   Link #2013
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
I do understand what they are doing and how much they have done for my daughter and me, I'm so thankful and I know that if I moved out when I found out I was pregnant, I would've been in deep shit. I love them so much and I know they love me and Kendal, too. They're just making it to where it's almost unberable to be living with them. We never talk anymore, this disagreement between the three of us is ruining our relationship.

I want what I want and they want what they want, I'm willing and trying to meet in the middle somewhere, but they, on the otherhand, want me to get rid of Casey entirely when he has done absolutely nothing to deserve that. I don't want that, I love him. All I hope for is that someday they can understand that. This has been going on for almost three years now and nothing's changed, now that we have a daughter, it's gotten worse because he wants to see her all the time. It really bothers me when I ask if he can come over and one of them will say, "But didn't he just see her yesterday?" You'd think they would understand. She's his baby, he wants to be with her every minute of every day, but he can't always be with her because he "just saw her the other day." It's breaking my heart to see him wanting to be with her so badly and knowing how much of her life he's missing out on.

Moving out is probably not the best thing for me to do, I know that, but I just can't take it anymore.
__________________
K_Babyy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 22:33   Link #2014
RadiantBeam
Test Drive
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to RadiantBeam
Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy View Post
You'd think they would understand. She's his baby, he wants to be with her every minute of every day, but he can't always be with her because he "just saw her the other day." It's breaking my heart to see him wanting to be with her so badly and knowing how much of her life he's missing out on.
*dons devil's advocate cap yet again*

To be fair, I wouldn't be very happy either if my daughter fell in love with a boy who has the kind of past you've described, especially if she ended up pregnant with a little girl of her own. You love him a lot and he sounds like a sweet guy, but the past he has will always make people a little distrusting of him. Your parents love you, and they probably wanted you to marry a boy who had a large family, who could get a good job and support you, and they're genuinely concerned because of the past he's had and fearful that he might one day repeat that with you and your daughter. Have you ever actually sat down with your boyfriend and explained the whole situation to them? It would help a lot if you could get into a position where they come clean and you come clean.

Quote:
Moving out is probably not the best thing for me to do, I know that, but I just can't take it anymore.
Again I ask: have you talked to them? Have you seriously been forceful and told them to sit down, we're solving this thing once and for all? That's the best way to resolve this situation without any bloodshed or regrets, is to talk about it, honestly talk about it, and not let either of them walk away until you've reached a conclusion. It will be long, and painful, but if you want to be with your boyfriend and keep your parents in your daughter's life, you need to find a way to bury the hatchet or you'll never be happy. It's easy to say you can live on love, but the world is a much friendlier, brighter place when you have a family to fall back to for support.

*removes devil's advocate cap*

Again, I mean no offense.
__________________
RadiantBeam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 22:46   Link #2015
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
None taken.

We've talked and talked about it and are still talking about it to this day. They know everything that has happened to him, he and his adoptive parents sat down with us and told us everthing about a year ago, but I've known for years. He's completed therapeutic programs with 3 or 4 different counselors (I'm not sure how many he saw) and they all agreed that he was over his past. Plus, in the past 8 years, since they've adopted him, he's done nothing to show that he wasn't.

They won't sit down and talk to me about my wanting to move out. When I say that I want to solve this, one of them will say, "The only way to solve this is for you to get rid of him." That's as far as I've gotten with that issue.

I know my parents are gonna love me no matter what I do, I just wish that they could be happy with what I do. Wouldn't that be nice?
__________________
K_Babyy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 22:52   Link #2016
RadiantBeam
Test Drive
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to RadiantBeam
Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy View Post
None taken. They won't sit down and talk to me about my wanting to move out. When I say that I want to solve this, one of them will say, "The only way to solve this is for you to get rid of him." That's as far as I've gotten with that issue.
Hmmm....

What they're trying to do, from what I can tell, is dodge the issue. You mention moving out, they shift over to your boyfriend. Seems to me they're trying to distract you from what you really want to say to them.

I don't know how much good it will do you, but next time they do this, gently say "Mom, Dad, I'm not asking you about my boyfriend, I'm asking you about moving out" and every time they try to change the subject keep nudging them back to it. You have to be patient, this isn't the kind of thing a yelling match will solve. It will take time, but eventually you'll wear them down without losing them.

Quote:
I know my parents are gonna love me no matter what I do, I just wish that they could be happy with what I do. Wouldn't that be nice?
Would be nice, but it rarely ever happens, sadly. Parents will love you no matter what, but it doesn't mean they'll be happy about the things you do, especially when the things you do go against what they wanted for you. They honestly mean well.
__________________
RadiantBeam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 23:13   Link #2017
Cinocard
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Quote:
I will also be putting everything that she needs first, I do not want my daughter to lack in anything that she needs and I will make sure that she doesn't, I promise.
Just be sure to have you and Casey properly talk to your parents when you start looking for a rent. It's critical.

Quote:
We never talk anymore, this disagreement between the three of us is ruining our relationship.
I think you need to somehow get these into their head:

1. What they do now is like: "you choose us, or you choose that punk" and put you in the hard spot.
2. Their action is totally useless against your relationship with Casey. They should know this, but they just refuse to see it. What I find surprising is how they can be so obstinate. It has been three years and they still haven't accept the fact that you wont leave Casey.


Quote:
I know that sneaking out to parties and getting pregnant in high school isn't showing them that I'm responsible, but keep in mind that that was more than a year ago and I've matured in so many different ways in that time, especially since I have my baby girl now.
The point is have your action ever shown others that you are mature, and how well? Because you made mistakes in the past, it is very hard to recover your parents trust.

Parents actually always are at an disadvantage in parent-child relationship, actually. Think about it. They always lose, and are always scared. When we cant take it anymore we can just say "whatever," but they cannot say it to us
Cinocard is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 23:40   Link #2018
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
I do believe that my actions have shown that I'm more mature. For one, I graduated from high school when I could've just thrown in the towel and gotten my GED. I was pregnant most of my senior year and it was hard as hell. I got dirty looks, bumped into all the time cause my stomach was so huge, and rude comments were constantly shot my way. I finished, probably missed a total of 4 days during the entire 9 months, and graduated with honors. Also, taking care of a baby full time, mostly by myself. Sure, my parents pay for most of it and my boyfriend and I help out where we can, but I'm the one who is taking care of her all day and all night. I hardly ever get to see my friends anymore and I never get to just go out and have fun, the last time I had a night out was prom which was back in May. I'm not complaining at all, I love my daugher more than anything and would never wish that I didn't have her, I'm just saying that for someone my age, being home all day with a baby is not what you normally would've had in mind. I'm starting college up in January though, to get certified in physical therapy assisting, so I'll get out of the house once in a while and see some old friends.
__________________
K_Babyy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 23:42   Link #2019
synaesthetic
blinded by blood
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Oakland, CA
Age: 39
Send a message via AIM to synaesthetic
Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Parents will love you no matter what, but it doesn't mean they'll be happy about the things you do, especially when the things you do go against what they wanted for you. They honestly mean well.
I will have to disagree with that. Sometimes they really don't love you no matter what.

Because of my gender identity issues and sexual orientation, my family and I do not speak. I have not spoken to my mother in nearly eight years. They chose to disown me rather than come to terms with the fact that they, in fact, have a daughter who dates other women.

I would be careful about banking on the ideal that parents should always love their children, even if they do not agree with them. For me, the unpleasant truth was written quite starkly in blood.
__________________
synaesthetic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-21, 23:43   Link #2020
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
I will have to disagree with that. Sometimes they really don't love you no matter what.

Because of my gender identity issues and sexual orientation, my family and I do not speak. I have not spoken to my mother in nearly eight years. They chose to disown me rather than come to terms with the fact that they, in fact, have a daughter who dates other women.

I would be careful about banking on the ideal that parents should always love their children, even if they do not agree with them. For me, the unpleasant truth was written quite starkly in blood.
I am so sorry to hear that. =[
__________________
K_Babyy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 18:36.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
We use Silk.