Dating

[dredmorte]

Oh i don't have any money either lol

each month i deposit almost half of my income into my parents account
the rest i have been saving up for a drivers license (it's very expansive) and for whenever it's needed

i've worked 3 months so far (i used to be in college but i left for a while), besides about 50€ spent on food each month, i spent 100€ on a pair of shoes and 2 pairs of pants.

The house rent plus insurance is going to climb to about 700€ this october, my family is screwed if we can't sell this house for a good price, fast...
Life's really not easy

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by dredmorte

Yet, despite not being unlucky at birth, i still can't get a girlfriend. My biggest problem i think, is a lack of opportunities, and a lack of skill to create them. It doesn't help that i hate alcohol, smoke and loud noises. I can't even fathom entering a disco. I wouldn't know how to talk to a girl either, I'm too shy.

Well my fellow countryman I hear you: discos here are completely unfathomable.. I can't for the life of me understand what's so good about drinking high amounts of alchool in a room so crowded you can barely move while music is pumping at insane levels so you can't even hear anyone speak. Seriously can't.

Now what I can say to help you out is: go out with some friends cause disco's aren't the only place to socialize. Go to a café and chat with friends or go catch a movie... I find that not thinking about the problem is the best way to get over it. Like it's been said plenty in this thread (and I'm guessing you didn't read so I'll say it again) people in your situation end up with a visible lack of self-esteem that drives potential interested parties off. It's one of those evolutionary leftovers: females are looking for the best protectors and the ones that fit that criteria are the guys who are very self-confident (for various reasons).

So first things first: get the issue out of your head and stop thinking your a looser. The best way to do so is to have fun, stop thinking about girls and relationships and start feeling better about yourself in the process. Opportunities will eventually present themselves if you just keep yourself socially connected and start showing enough self-confidence.

Good luck with that, I'm currently trying to do the same myself.

[LMF]

Half? Yet you buy clothing? You set to go, bud. Just be clean and talk to that girl sitting by herself or that waitress...

[dredmorte]

Lol i went to buy those those shoes cuz mine had been damaged for weeks, and the pants because i had only one pair im really poor, the only luxury i have is this laptop, bought at a time when life wasn't so gloomy

Oh and btw, i don't like coffee either, nor cafés - everything to expansive there

for americans, this type of thinking may sound too weird, but around here it's kind of normal

I'm just hoping for something to happen, don't know what... some opportunity, i'll take it
if all else fails, i won't accept as my fate to be a total looser, oh no, i'll just turn Yes Man and see where crazyness takes me - i'll even enter a disco if i have to, i'm just not that desperate yet.

[solidguy]

Here's a few tips if anyone needs it
1) Get that loser talk out of your mind.
The only thing you can posibly achieve is sympathy, and sympathy relationship are unsightly

2) Put yourself in opportunities.
You say your day is basically work, games and sleep. Well realisticaly speaking, do you expect to meet new people that way? I mean cyber dating and socializing online is becoming increasingly popular these days but nothing can substitute human contact. Get a feel for this kinda thing. Talk to people more often. Practice your ice breaking skills.

3)Don't give a shit if you get rejected.
Even if a blind man throws a thousand darts, eventually he'll hit the bulls eye (i just made that up now lol). Why do you always see a douche with a girl you'll never have the guts to talk to? Because that same douche has been bounced a million times over. But he got that girl because that lucky s.o.b had the guts to keep going.

4) Be yourself....but not creepy
Act normal, loosen up when your talking to a potential suitor. Talk about things vaguely, don't go into your whole life story. "I shy because my dad used to whoop my ass when i was 9"= failsz. Talk about common interests, what she does for a living, whats she studying. Pay attention to what she says too, nothing more annoying to a girl than a guy staring at her boobs (well atleast annoying to a girl whose not loose with her goose and trust me, they're not all that). And please for the love of god dont talk about the weather
and finally

5.) Have fun
the way you talk its like finding a girl is a chore. Its not. Meeting new people is suppose to be fun. If your not enjoying their company, then you dont need to be around them. The are literally millions of fish in the sea. You can either be that stud muffin shark or that loser lemon fish , its all upto you buddy

[Magin]

You know, that's probably the best advice there is... the only problem is most are either afraid of #2 or #3... I'm just recently getting over #3 (two strike-outs in a row teaches one to keep moving on...). As for #2, well, I already know that's my biggest problem.

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by dredmorte

Oh and btw, i don't like coffee either, nor cafés - everything to expansive there

I'm Portuguese too and I can assure you it's perfectly reasonable to spend as little as 1€ on a night out and still have fun. I don't know from which part of the country you are, in smaller towns it's the spots are a bit more limited but even then it's not impossible to find nice spots to have a beer or a coffee with friends. Cause right now what you should do is get out of the house and socialize a bit to get your self-esteem up.

[RadiantBeam]

Well, March 5th promises to be interesting.

I was at my anime club meeting tonight, and when I left one of my friends from there caught up with me and asked me to go to an event for his RCA group here. It seems like his girlfriend dumped him a couple days ago, and he wanted someone to attend with him, even if only as just a friend. I'm friends with him; we aren't incredibly close by any means, but he's a nice guy and he's helped me out a couple of times before. It'll certainly be a fun way to spend a night, if nothing else.

[JC...]

I dunno, I'd only date someone I know. I myself wouldn't go out to scout around for someone and try to get them to go out with me. I don't see how being rejected by a stranger would be anything to get upset about.

[Nightbat®]

Well, I would bet those that 'leap in the dark' have no other motive than self-gratification

[SuigetsuKun]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

Narcism?

I fail to see how that would help, I would imagine if you wish to love yourself you would grant yourself happiness, not heartache

I do not think there are any "preventing measures" you can take
In general I thing rationalising does help -afterwards-, since looking at things objectively already creates an emotional distance

In reality, dealing with heartache is the same as dealing with a death of a close one
the more it happens - the more desensitized you become - the easier it is to deal with

You don't yet get what I mean. I am talking about loving yourself which has nothing to do with narcism. I am talking about parental love or the innocent love of a child. You're not supposed to look at the mirror and j**k your d*ck off...

I say a lack of love is a black hole and it won't be filled by anyone but yourself.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by SuigetsuKun

You don't yet get what I mean. I am talking about loving yourself which has nothing to do with narcism. I am talking about parental love or the innocent love of a child. You're not supposed to look at the mirror and j**k your d*ck off....

I don't have a degree in Psychology, but narcism = selflove

you just immediatly consider the most extreme form of narcism when you hear it mentioned

I say a lack of love is a black hole and it won't be filled by anyone but yourself.

Giving yourself love is piss easy, and you have an infinite supply
having someone else love you, now that's a luxury

[Crazy Aido]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

I don't have a degree in Psychology, but narcism = selflove

you just immediatly consider the most extreme form of narcism when you hear it mentioned



Giving yourself love is piss easy, and you have an infinite supply
having someone else love you, now that's a luxury

Not a luxury that you don't work for though...

[JuGG]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Well, March 5th promises to be interesting.

I was at my anime club meeting tonight, and when I left one of my friends from there caught up with me and asked me to go to an event for his RCA group here. It seems like his girlfriend dumped him a couple days ago, and he wanted someone to attend with him, even if only as just a friend. I'm friends with him; we aren't incredibly close by any means, but he's a nice guy and he's helped me out a couple of times before. It'll certainly be a fun way to spend a night, if nothing else.

Well that sounds like a good way to spend an evening anyhow, at least he wasn't chicken or mopey about being dumped to approach you. But it's a month away which sucks a bit, do you reckon things will develop before then or is there no rush?

As for the self-love topic, I'm not so certain that everyone finds it 'piss easy'; when people get in a rut or depressed then they can cave in easily and lose sight of themselves for days, months, years, and lifetimes. In a way, 100% self-love can be trickier [than someone else loving you] if you're the type of person that beats yourself up.

[xl_Legit_lx]

Originally Posted by SuigetsuKun

You don't yet get what I mean. I am talking about loving yourself which has nothing to do with narcism. I am talking about parental love or the innocent love of a child. You're not supposed to look at the mirror and j**k your d*ck off...

I say a lack of love is a black hole and it won't be filled by anyone but yourself.

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

I don't have a degree in Psychology, but narcism = selflove

you just immediatly consider the most extreme form of narcism when you hear it mentioned



Giving yourself love is piss easy, and you have an infinite supply
having someone else love you, now that's a luxury

Originally Posted by Crazy Aido

Not a luxury that you don't work for though...

I think you misunderstand him. If anything he must mean "You have to love yourself, before you can love another".

By being comfortable with yourself, not draggin about that you are "single" (which isn't that bad, I was for a while before I met my current partner), doesn't mean you suck or life is horrid. Find your own happiness, go out, have fun. Experience new things. Live life, then, when you are happy and care for yourself, you can care for another.

If anyone needs advice, I'm here. I studied philosophy and psychology on relations for a bit in college and plan to further my studies with advanced classes in a few semesters.

-Legit

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by JuGG

Well that sounds like a good way to spend an evening anyhow, at least he wasn't chicken or mopey about being dumped to approach you. But it's a month away which sucks a bit, do you reckon things will develop before then or is there no rush?

I highly doubt anything will develop. I'm not especially close to him, I rarely see him outside of our club meetings, and I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship at the moment. But still, it'll be a fun way to spend the evening, if nothing else, and it'll make my parents happy to go out and have fun with other people.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by xl_Legit_lx

I think you misunderstand him. If anything he must mean "You have to love yourself, before you can love another".

By being comfortable with yourself, not draggin about that you are "single" (which isn't that bad, I was for a while before I met my current partner), doesn't mean you suck or life is horrid. Find your own happiness, go out, have fun. Experience new things. Live life, then, when you are happy and care for yourself, you can care for another.

I don't misunderstand him, but even selfpity is a way of caring for yourself

[JuGG]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I highly doubt anything will develop. I'm not especially close to him, I rarely see him outside of our club meetings, and I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship at the moment. But still, it'll be a fun way to spend the evening, if nothing else, and it'll make my parents happy to go out and have fun with other people.

Fair enough--and anything is good if it gets your parents off your back.

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

I don't misunderstand him, but even selfpity is a way of caring for yourself

Self-pity can often lead to self-hatred though and I'm not sure if that can be classed as caring for yourself; it's more like you're protecting yourself and wrapping yourself in a shell even though the inside of the egg is just as dangerous. Of course, I guess self-pity can be good sometimes but usually it leads down a lonely road that can deter/bores others unless you find your someone to lean on. And trust me, there's always somebody--even in the most unlikely places. If you find them then self-pity will become constructive.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by JuGG

Self-pity can often lead to self-hatred though and I'm not sure if that can be classed as caring for yourself; it's more like you're protecting yourself and wrapping yourself in a shell even though the inside of the egg is just as dangerous. Of course.

The same can be said for selfesteem


Selfesteem can never be gained by input from just yourself

People like to be commended, encouraged, praised -rewarded- for what they do
Humans need recognition for their efforts or everything ends up 'a hollow victory'

Sure there is pleasure to be found in exceeding your own abilities, but how long can you pat yourself on the back untill it becomes irritating

[JuGG]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

The same can be said for selfesteem

Selfesteem can never be gained by input from just yourself

People like to be commended, encouraged, praised -rewarded- for what they do
Humans need recognition for their efforts or everything ends up 'a hollow victory'

Sure there is pleasure to be found in exceeding your own abilities, but how long can you pat yourself on the back untill it becomes irritating

I didn't really think about it before but you're spot on. I'm guessing without an outside source then both pity and esteem can become nothing or--at least--lose meaning. Maybe that the case for any wealth of emotion. Could huge amounts of happiness become the 'standard' or the 'par' and mean little? I suppose that's what you'd call somebody not appreciating their current state.

People are strange.