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Old 2009-01-20, 16:07   Link #11981
AdmiralTigerclaw
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And so, the die is cast.
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Old 2009-01-20, 16:08   Link #11982
LimitedEternal
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
Three words almost exactly alike with three different meanings? English and their silly language.
English, as we all know, is the bastard child of most every language in the world.

It is therefore among the most convoluted things humanity has to offer.
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Old 2009-01-20, 20:22   Link #11983
Satashi
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PornStar!Vivio 7

Added a lot, changed a lot, now beta'd (Thanks DezoPenguin) and proofread. almost 10,000 word chapter this time . Enjoy~
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Old 2009-01-20, 20:44   Link #11984
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
PornStar!Vivio 7

Added a lot, changed a lot, now beta'd (Thanks DezoPenguin) and proofread. almost 10,000 word chapter this time . Enjoy~
Just read it and sent my review. I do hope Syn and Vivio get back together again.
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Old 2009-01-21, 00:39   Link #11985
Evil Rick
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Hey, I think that noone has noticed it

But we reach page 600! Yay!

Time for a challenge!:

Try to write a 600 words minimum fic
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Old 2009-01-21, 00:58   Link #11986
itanshi1
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I was thinking 600 exactly? But yeah.

//needs to be smacked for not posting stories.

I'll try 600 exactly, no idea what on
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Old 2009-01-21, 03:59   Link #11987
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
PornStar!Vivio 7

Added a lot, changed a lot, now beta'd (Thanks DezoPenguin) and proofread. almost 10,000 word chapter this time . Enjoy~
This seems a bit embaressing, but you hit a wrong key right at the start of the chapter.

Quote:
1I closed the door to my car
Quote:
Several pictures of successful stars, in perfectly family-safe poses, were hung in professional looking picture frames that just begged for attention.
Nice setup for later for those of us who know what's coming. I still don't agree with how you wrote that later scene, yet it doesn't appear that there's any other way to do it. Speaking of that scene, remember when Kris told Syn that Vivio just cried in her room the first day she came back to work? You can actually show it this time, but it has to be before Syn shows up at her apartment again.

Next point, make up your mind as to whether you want to use scene breaks or not. I see "~**~" in some places. Elsewhere, it might take me a sentence or two to realise that the you've shifted to a new scene. It's fine if you don't want to use scene breaks, a good idea even. But you have to make it clear to the readers that the paragraph is for a new scene, right from the very first sentence.

Remarks as I go through the fic:

Quote:
In short, you have become a type of spokeswoman for our company
I'd suggest changing "type of" to "sort of".

Quote:
Also, you will be on call for scenes in future movies which you will be required to take.
This sentence is so akward, I'm not quite sure what you're trying to get across in it, but if it means they'll be making more movies with her, just say it straight out.

Quote:
a higher discount at our stores
You mean that stuff isn't reimbursed as "prop expenses?" Cheapskates!

Quote:
The good mood left the girl briefly, allowing herself a small bittersweet memory of the past little while.
I'd suggest changing the second part to "allowing a bittersweet memory to resurface for a little while." Akward sentences can really spoil these heartfelt moods.

Quote:
I wouldn’t even bother returning this if I wasn’t so close to finally being debt free ...
What kind of "stuff" from an adult store would be worth so much plus the effort to drive there to make the return that it would make a difference to her being debt free?

Quote:
Oh? Good brand?
No, "good title" since it's a publication.

Quote:
Her car door was closed quickly after she exited her vehicle
Switch to active.

Quote:
I'm sorry, I made sure they never mentioned your name.
I'd suggest changing this to "I made sure to never mention your name to them." If she had mentioned Syn by name to the reporter, there's always a risk of it slipping into the article by mistake. Even if not, that's one more person who doesn't need to know.

Quote:
and I... made a friend." This time she smiled slightly. "Someone who treated me with respect... didn't belittle me, call me names... He told his friends about me and we all met up.
You know, there doesn't seem to be anyone among her male acquaintances so far that could be this guy. She could really have used his help during those dark days before Syn reappeared on her doorstep.

Quote:
Everything that I was scared of came back to me… It was if I was only opening myself up to be hurt again.
I'd suggest putting a "but" at the start of this. And change the second part to "it was as if I was..."

Quote:
I was scared you would use me and leave me.
Not "I was scared you would think of me as a whore and dump me, like you finally did?"

Quote:
"I didn’t consider it cheating because it was only work, though.”
Try adding "at the time" to the start.
This scene doesn't look like it's changed much from the original draft. It's a pity because it makes Vivio look like she hasn't yet truely understood what Space tried to tell her previously. The average person doesn't draw a distinction between sex-as-a-job and cheating on a relationship.

Quote:
“But you love me!”

“Does that make it okay for me to do that?”
I wonder how would things go if Syn had responded with "How do you know that? How do you know I feel any different about you than I do about them, regardless of what I tell you?" instead.

Edit:
Quote:
“I don't know if I can accept something like that, even if we fixed the trust issue.”
“But I love you...”
The lower line should be spaced from the line before it. I thought it was Syn's line for a while.

Quote:
Her breathing started to get raspy, words barely being able to understand over the tears.
I suggest changing the second part to "her words barely understandable over the tears."

Quote:
”Either I learn to accept you for everything you do...”

“Or... I quit my job.” Vivio finished the sentence softly.
Or they break up.
Do you remember someone once mentioned you could add a "love me because of who I am" angle? You seemed quite receptive to that idea, I hope you can integrate it after all.

Quote:
A wave was given to the secretary and a few smiles passed to her friends on her way to her boss's office to answer the request to come in.
Another line that needs to be changed to active.

Edit: Yet another additional comment.

Quote:
"Stripping?" Vivio asked to confirm.
Duh, it's a strip club. Of course it's stripping! Change to "full-nudity?" instead, that makes Vivio sound more attentive.

Quote:
They don't expect sex since I'm in pornography do they?
Try "since I'm a pornstar" instead. If it wasn't for informing the readers, there's no need to bring up the subject. She's danced for clubs before, she knows what they can be like.
Spoiler for in case you DON'T want to know how these clubs work:


Quote:
Sometimes I go to my work office and schedule different actors to come over and do a scene with me at home. If I do it at work, I get a cameraman, but I have to pay the company for the services.
So, when they flim it at her place, won't they need a cameraman too? Then, they charge her for the cameraman and take a cut of the sales? Cheapskates, like I said! At least make it deductable from the sales.

Quote:
A sudden ringing of her cell phone made the girl almost scream out, hastily closing her laptop down to cut off the loud sounds coming from it.
That's so cliche. Just pause the video player then take the call.

Quote:
Are you mad at Vivio or the profession she's in now?
Oh, Elena remembered her name and didn't ask if she was blonde with red and green eyes? I'd imgine Hayate talked to her about Vivio before since they're supposed to be friends.

Once again, thanks for an enjoyable read.

Last edited by Jimmy C; 2009-01-21 at 14:13. Reason: Added a few comments
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Old 2009-01-21, 06:52   Link #11988
MeisterBabylon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki View Post
Had this crack idea floating around since Friday but it seemed like it would be a good idea to save it until now

Spoiler for Briefing:
So Hogwarts deal with Brown, the TSAB deal with the US? Doesn't quite figure somehow.
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Old 2009-01-21, 07:16   Link #11989
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Spoiler for KOTR 22:


Spoiler for Season 2 opening: Halo theme:

Tell me if you like this music.

Last edited by TerranReaper; 2009-01-22 at 00:22.
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Old 2009-01-21, 07:35   Link #11990
Nya~n
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki View Post
Had this crack idea floating around since Friday but it seemed like it would be a good idea to save it until now

Spoiler for Briefing:
My HP logic would have me approaching the International Confederation of Wizards first, but what the heck, this works as well. Ah well, if Obama quits anytime soon, we'll know why.

Good (crack)job, Eva *pats back*
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Old 2009-01-21, 17:15   Link #11991
Satashi
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@JimmyC: Thanks for pointing out things.

On a side note about a few things like Syn taking back her item and Vivio's part at the club.... NSFW text!
Spoiler for NSFW text:

Last edited by Satashi; 2009-01-21 at 17:29.
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Old 2009-01-21, 18:05   Link #11992
DezoPenguin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
PornStar!Vivio 7

Added a lot, changed a lot, now beta'd (Thanks DezoPenguin) and proofread. almost 10,000 word chapter this time . Enjoy~
You're welcome! Incidentally, I know I said this while beta-ing, but I have to say that I've been really enjoying the extra scenes in Chapters 6 and 7. They've gone a long way towards smoothing out some of the rough edges, better balancing the emotions of the characters, and explaining things about the characters' personalities. (I still can't really believe how much the "Honestly? Turned on." line from Chapter 6 made giant parts of Vivio's character and actions fall into place in my head).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post

What kind of "stuff" from an adult store would be worth so much plus the effort to drive there to make the return that it would make a difference to her being debt free?
What people value their time as is pretty highly variable--when I was a kid, my mother would spend the time to get $1.00 returned if she found an error in a receipt. On the other hand, $1.00 was worth something when I was a kid. But what I mean is, some people pick up change off the street, and others don't. Though it's an open question as to how far out of her way the adult bookstore was--the only thing we know is that Syn's side-road is between the store and Vivio's apartment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
Switch to active.
I missed that one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
Another line that needs to be changed to active.
*wince* I didn't miss that one; it's on my hardcopy. So I epically failed at proofreading my own notes.

If anyone needs me, I'll be banging my head on a wall over here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
So, when they flim it at her place, won't they need a cameraman too? Then, they charge her for the cameraman and take a cut of the sales? Cheapskates, like I said! At least make it deductable from the sales.
Spoiler for a wee bit NSFW:


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
Oh, Elena remembered her name and didn't ask if she was blonde with red and green eyes? I'd imgine Hayate talked to her about Vivio before since they're supposed to be friends.
This is a situation where fantasy reality has just smacked true reality in the face. Because in nearly any kind of narrative, no two people have the same name (unless it's going to turn into a mistaken-identity plot point, of course). When we're in "our" reality, we know what names are and whether they're weird or not, but in a fantasy reality, we have no idea.

So here's the question...how common a Midchildan name is Vivio? Because there's a big difference between a reaction of "Valencia? Wow, my friend Hayate's runaway niece is the only other person I know who was named after an orange. I wonder if..." and "Oh, her name's Jane? I'd better remember that since it sounds like Syn's serious about her."

Though it is kind of surprising that Syn wouldn't mention Vivio's eyes simply because Syn's eyes are heterochromatic, too, and that would be the kind of thing that's noticable and mentionable...Or maybe that's why she didn't mention it, because she's sick of people commenting about her own eyes so she tends to avoid the subject?
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Old 2009-01-21, 18:30   Link #11993
TheShinySword
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post

Though it is kind of surprising that Syn wouldn't mention Vivio's eyes simply because Syn's eyes are heterochromatic, too, and that would be the kind of thing that's noticable and mentionable...Or maybe that's why she didn't mention it, because she's sick of people commenting about her own eyes so she tends to avoid the subject?
It is my personal opinion that the subject of eyes doesn't come up often when talkiing about ones girlfriend with one's mother. Honestly even if said girlfriend does have uniquely colored eyes how many people say.

Syn: Hey mom I'm dating this girl with heterochromia!
Mom: that's lovely honey.

It's just not the kind of thing that comes up in conversation.

Actually mentioning your girlfriend's eyes to your mother could end up like this...

Syn: Hey mom I'm dating this girl you should see her eyes-
Mom: You really shouldn't date some one because of the size of their breasts

Besides since Syn has heterochromia she'd be less likely to find Vivio's eyes odd and therefore would probably forget about it.
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Old 2009-01-21, 18:44   Link #11994
Satashi
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Vivio does her work with her camera, as she does a few times in the story. A stationary view. She can ask her friends to record her, but generally if she did then she might as well doa scene with them, which makes the "cameraman" pointless.

And the way it works in studio is "If you use company equipment, you pay for it" kind of like how a model or starting porn star may actually pay people to photograph them or add their stuff in a magazine. AKA, you're getting a cameraman to work, therefore that person needs to be paid for their work. Vivio was supplied with a laptop with webcam, as well as a real camera and stand loaned to her by the company. She runs her own webpage and since she's with the company, tehy take part of her subscriber money. Cheap or not, that's how buisnesses work. You pay people to work for you. Vivio works for teh company and the company advertises her, puts her in movies, and gets her in magazines. In return, they give Vivio things needed to run her webpage and allow her to keep a percentage of them along with her standard payment for scenes.

It's the standard "You work for me. I get part of your money. You hire people to work for you, and you get part of their money. I also get part of their money. People under them pay people to work for them, then they get moeny, you get moeny, and I get money"

As for teh eyes, I assumed Syn got enough comments about her eyes, so she didn't mention it becasue to someone WITH heterochromia, is less likely to notice it.
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Old 2009-01-21, 21:44   Link #11995
SulliMike23
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Well it's like I said in my review (to an extent), no job whether it looks easy or not is hard work no matter how ya slice it. Pornography is no different. It's something most people out of that business do not understand. Just ask anyone whose in it and they WILL tell you that it is a very hard job to do.
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Old 2009-01-21, 22:52   Link #11996
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by satashi View Post
Thanks for pointing out things.
You're welcome. Just remember to fix the problems before you go on to the next chapter, ok?

Quote:
for Elena remembering Vivio's name and not talking to Hayate about it.... I see nor reason why she SHOULD.
The thing is, Elena's known Hayate for years,right? In that time, Hayate's probably told Elena about her missing niece, especially her unique identifying features. So now, her daughter knows someone with the same name, why not ask her?

Quote:
the "Love me for who I am" line will come come up.
Your description of what you want to write is so hot! I can't wait to see it as real scenes. Scenes, this is too good to be dealt with in just one.
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Old 2009-01-22, 00:40   Link #11997
Evil Rick
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Chapter 3


Spoiler for Opening Theme: Eternal Darkness:


Spoiler for Chapter 3: Something has come:


Spoiler for Ending theme: Once Upon a December:




Spoiler for The Bag:
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Last edited by Evil Rick; 2009-01-24 at 12:42. Reason: Text, scroll and event fixed of typos :)
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Old 2009-01-22, 02:19   Link #11998
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil Rick View Post

Spoiler for Opening Theme: Eternal Darkness:


Spoiler for Chapter 3: Something has come:


Spoiler for Ending theme: Once Upon a December:




Spoiler for The Bag:


Typos? I think I finally made it
Oh, the brutality . An evil spirit laughing and threats? Sounds like the time when I played Doom 3.
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Old 2009-01-22, 03:26   Link #11999
yuiseppe
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
PornStar!Vivio 7

Added a lot, changed a lot, now beta'd (Thanks DezoPenguin) and proofread. almost 10,000 word chapter this time . Enjoy~
Commenting as I read here, hopefully won't clash with JimmyC's comments:

Quote:
The front was a clean-looking white stone with dark tinted windows above perfectly trimmed bushes that circled the building.
Do you mean there's literally a white stone just sitting there? Or a white stone wall?

Quote:
The insides were just as nice
MY insides could do with a bit of detox... I think 'insideS' is generally used to describe anatomy, whereas the interior of a building is usually referred to as well, 'the interior'. Also works if you rephrase it as 'it was just as nice inside'.

Quote:
but was near the back currently
But was currently near the back [of the x]. I think the sentence could do with a noun - I'm having difficulty picturing the interior of the building without more guidance than the sliding doors and well-kept walls.

I also avoid putting adverbs at the end of the sentence where the verb it modifies isn't the last word. But that's just something that's been hammered into by my law prof; I merely assumed it was another 'rule' or 'guideline'.

I *assume* we're walking along here, since that's what 'from the very [entrance] to the y' tends to imply i.e. that our attention is being drawn along from the entrance (the start) to the desk (the end). Yes I am aware that the sentence structure could also simply refer to a list of things, not necessarily in any particular order, but I think in this instance, it is more effective for giving us the setting of this scene to indicate some kind of direction or movement.


Quote:
"That's... A lot at once."
The capital 'A' looks strange to me because it's really just the continuation of the same sentence. In fact I'm more used to seeing a lowercase letter after an ellipsis than anything else.


Quote:
"Going big time now; you're not going to forget about us little people are you?"
A dash seems more befitting here in place of the semi-colon, methinks.

Quote:
"The only thing little about you is your performance parts."
I'm confusing myself with plurals here: things, are, parts vs thing, is, part? Or was this deliberate as part of the way Vi speaks?

Quote:
thanking her lucky stars that the people in the store weren’t paying her any mind.
Any heed instead of any mind?

Quote:
Rick: chuckles Thank you.
Hmm...do English magazines usually put the actions in parentheses?



...and I think I've used up my proofreading quota for the night Didn't see anything else, but I started reading the story instead of the sentences.
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Old 2009-01-22, 07:24   Link #12000
TheShinySword
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yuiseppe View Post



Hmm...do English magazines usually put the actions in parentheses?


I believe they use Person: [action is italics] Blah blah blah
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