Dating

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Who

Doitdoitdoitdoit. How are you going about it though?

I'm very uneasy about it. But it's my belief that the part of me that is making myself feel uneasy about it is the part of me I shouldn't listen to in the first place. The "party animal" side of me that worries more about never feeling up on another girl's booty again instead of the more important matters in life.

I've done some dumb things in the past in my relationship (as those who know me here will testify), but I think I've finally learned the value of someone that loves and cares about you a lot. And she certainly does. She's given me hints that she wants to get married and wants to be with me forever. I think she is a little worried because she wants to be with me, but she is graduating from school soon and she might not be able to stay here in the United States.

And for those who just read that and think she's playing me, it's definitely not the case. She is as pure as a short, cute and caring Asian girl could ever be.

[GDB]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

maybe you're bringing up discussion topics that turn people off.

For me, personally, it's the opposite. I don't know what to discuss period, so I likely appear overtly reserved.

[monsta666]

Originally Posted by GDB

Not getting into the rest of it, but this line always irks me. Telling someone to be confident is ridiculous. I don't know about others, but I get confidence through experience. I cannot get experience because I do not have the confidence to attract girls. Ergo, I cannot gain confidence. On the other hand, those who start with some level of confidence get experience, which in turns boosts their confidence. See how you get two nice little cycles there? One positive, and one negative? How does one break out of the negative cycle? Faking confidence sure doesn't work.

It certainly is a tricky area and can seem like a catch 22 situation. To gain confidence you need experience but you can't gain confidence because you can't get experience... However there are ways of building confidence even without gaining relationship experience. What you really need to do is put yourself in a situation that is not your comfort zone and most important of all, try interacting with people you do not know. It doesn't have to be the opposite sex but just a setting where you are talking to strangers. I know what helped me become more open is I would sometimes go to the pub to watch a football match (soccer for Americans) and would talk and interact with total strangers and have a good time.

Now once you can do that easily with guys you try and talk to women in the same way. But don't feel you need to hit on them just talk to them in a normal friendly way and that should build up confidence in interacting with the opposite sex. What's more once you start doing this on a regular basis that mysterious aura that women have will diminish because you know what to expect so when the time comes to pop the big question you are less likely to stumble on your words. Oh and on that note of stumbling do not worry about little mistakes here and there. That is all part of the learning process, as you develop you should make less mistakes and that should help build confidence as you see your social skills are improving.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by GDB

For me, personally, it's the opposite. I don't know what to discuss period, so I likely appear overtly reserved.

There you go - you've identified a problem and have something to work toward.

The best approach to this problem will vary between people, but I'll give some pointers to think about and consider. The big one is don't over-think things. I think most of us on here are the "cerebral type" who like to plan out scenarios, simulate them in our mind, and we're constantly second-guessing what the other person is thinking and interpreting. If that describes you, shut that kind of thinking off in dating situations.

The general goal is to find common ground to talk about. If you've connected through an online dating site, you'll already know a bit about each other. If you're relatively new to each other, then probe to find out more! People love to talk about themselves. Their interests, hobbies, family, career or studies (current and aspirations)... politics and world events are a possibility, but since people tend to get fired up about them, they represent a risky topic. Unless your conversation partner is also clamming up and doesn't want to share information, you're bound to hit on a few topics that lead into conversations of their own. All the way through, you're learning more about each other and gauging compatibility.

Pop culture talk is another possibility, but if you're like me, you have about zero pop culture knowledge (and an embarrassing about of internet culture knowledge). In my mind, that also represents a shallow conversation topic - a nice way to pass the time among friends, but you're not really learning about the person. Nor are you providing a chance to share anything about yourself, other than what you're into for music and entertainment.

[DonQuigleone]

To my view, pop culture is a fairly dull discussion topic. It basically devolves down to "I liked this, do you like this" "yes I like that too!" "Wow!" "Wow!" "What should we talk about now?"

Pop culture discussions only get interesting when you get into specifics, but a lot of people dislike that, as it's no longer a "light" conversation. In addition, both parties need to have a fairly in depth knowledge before such a conversation is even possible.

This is why I don't frequent Anime clubs and conventions. While I enjoy watching it, and talking around it, talking about the actual thing itself is fairly dull, because it's very rare that you get an anime discussion that goes further then the typical "I like you like" subject.

On a forum here at least it's possible to go indepth into stuff like Moé. IRL most people who've even heard of the term won't fully understand it, and they won't have the required knowledge to say much of any significance.

These days I generally avoid most pop culture conversations.

[solomon]

Ledgem got it good. You can sulk and be alone or you can be analytical and identify points for improvement and as long as their are avenues for meeting people wiether in RL or online there is always hope, it's up to you take it, no matter how hard it is.

The Don makes an interesting point about Pop culture. I'd probably branch it over to politics as well. Unless you find someone you can get REAAALLLLYY nitty gritty with, I guess you can't rely too much on that.

Then again, it always is a good ice breaker and can help you move on to other topics.

[Tenken's Smile]

Can we start coming up with the best Valentine greetings now?

[solomon]

Dear lord that monstrosity is coming up.......KILL!!!

[warita]

This is my first month on the forum. What is Tenken talking about?

Also.... why change the subject forcefully?

EDIT: ups, looks like i killed the conversation.....

[Paranoid Android]

Yeah I never had that confidence issue. I'm an introvert but I don't find it too hard to talk to someone I'm interested in. It takes some willpower but not nearly as much as something like throwing out the garbage. (TOO LAZY D:< )
But I'm also a very straightforward person, and I don't think I will be able to sympathize those who aren't so.

All my topics of discussion are self history or talk about hobbies. I'd usually spend my time sharing with my partner what I do individually and about hobbies/work/life problems we have in common. The best thing I like to -brag- about is little tricks and things like how to get a discount on buying a TV, or what's the fastest way to get to downtown on a bike. Trivial but they're fun, everything comes with a story. But most of my conversation's are for one sided monologues, it doesn't work unless my partner has something to add, even if she knows nothing about my topic.

Depending on how close you are, the other form of chat is ranting about everything. My exgf would always rant to me about pop culture related and who's the artist plagiarizing other people's work :P.

I'm not sure what I would say if I was at a date with someone with whom I have nothing in common. I have friends who are like that, but they never attracted me or vise versa to begin with.
----------
What's a valentines greeting?

*Does this smell like chloroform?*

[Stiletto]

I'm looking forward to Valentine's day. All those heartfelt love letters and gifts for me.~

Not really. I already made it clear to all the people interested in me that I'm not interested in a relationship. Besides I don't need a holiday to show affection to all the ladies.

Originally Posted by Tenken's Smile

Can we start coming up with the best Valentine greetings now?

Roses are for you, and violets for mai waifus.
Believe or not, that isn't a knife in my pocket.
I'm just especially glad to see you! ♥

[ChainLegacy]

Originally Posted by GDB

Not getting into the rest of it, but this line always irks me. Telling someone to be confident is ridiculous. I don't know about others, but I get confidence through experience. I cannot get experience because I do not have the confidence to attract girls. Ergo, I cannot gain confidence. On the other hand, those who start with some level of confidence get experience, which in turns boosts their confidence. See how you get two nice little cycles there? One positive, and one negative? How does one break out of the negative cycle? Faking confidence sure doesn't work.

Well, you don't have to fake it. Being confident in this circumstance isn't the same as the confidence you might feel before a video game or a sport you are skilled in (well maybe for some guys it is, but I'd venture not too many of us on here ). It's more to do with that cheesy line, 'be yourself.' You just have to have the confidence not to overanalyze what you're saying or doing, not overthink, just try to have the same level of calm and collectedness you'd have among friends, while subtly (not too overtly as to be creepy/desperate) express interest romantically/physically and build rapport.

Originally Posted by Samari

I'm thinking of asking my girlfriend to marry me.

Good luck man.

Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4

Oh, and I can't say enough for online dating. You know that the other person is interested in dating, and you know a ton about them up front. You can get a good idea of how compatible the two of you are even before ever meeting them. And hey, if you've exhausted the real-life field, why not try online? You'll find people you wouldn't otherwise. At the very least, you won't lose anything by trying. No risk, all reward.

Yeah, it's nice. Now that I'm out of school and too busy for a proper social life (lol) I'm trying it for myself. I've gotten a few girls numbers and have been playing the texting game (ugh ). I'm trying to test the waters to transition into real life meetings, don't wanna jump the gun too soon.

Originally Posted by GDB

For me, personally, it's the opposite. I don't know what to discuss period, so I likely appear overtly reserved.

I have my own bizarre penchant of interests and have had trouble with this too. A good strategy is to ask generic questions, that are appropriate of course, until you find something you can talk about, even if only a minor comment. You just keep chipping away like that and eventually the whole dam bursts and you converse openly. I think it's just a mental block thing, really.

[Tenken's Smile]

Originally Posted by Stiletto

Roses are for you, and violets for mai waifus.
Believe or not, that isn't a knife in my pocket.
I'm just especially glad to see you! ♥

Good one!!! But what is "waifus"?? Wife???

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Tenken's Smile

Good one!!! But what is "waifus"?? Wife???

And you call yourself an Anime fan...

Think about how a japanese person would say "Wife". Japanese doesn't end with consonants, and the closest thing to the "i" in wife is ai. So a japanese pronounciation of "Wife" would be "Waifu". Mai is usually added for extra humor.

[Who]

Originally Posted by Stiletto

Roses are for you, and violets for mai waifus.
Believe or not, that isn't a knife in my pocket.
I'm just especially glad to see you! ♥

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lo...4kkko1_500.jpg

[Hooves]

Everything is gray~

[HasuMasu]

Almost all the people I know are calling February 14 'Forever-alone Day'.
Thanks 9GAG, now none of my friends bother to make their own jokes.

I'm planning to have my friend cross-dress for February 14, though I'm not sure if I can find a good enough wig.

[monsta666]

Originally Posted by Detective-san

Almost all the people I know are calling February 14 'Forever-alone Day'.
Thanks 9GAG, now none of my friends bother to make their own jokes.

I'm planning to have my friend cross-dress for February 14, though I'm not sure if I can find a good enough wig.

Ah don't despair too much about Valentine's day if you are single. While the theme is nice it has been overdone and has become commercialised. I am of the belief that if you like your partner enough you don't need a specific day to show it. If you love them then there are 365 days in the year to show that love. If you do that often enough then Valentines day becomes superfluous.

Ah but good luck on that wig!

[solomon]

Yea. For some Halloween gets kinda pointless after your pass the trick or treat/party all night years.

Valentine's Day is MUCH easier to ignore. It's a big deal only if you make it to be. (Unlike Christmas or New Years which RULE)

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by solomon

Yea. For some Halloween gets kinda pointless after your pass the trick or treat/party all night years.

Frankly, I stopped caring about Halloween when it stopped being about ghouls, vampires and zombies, and started being about dressing up as any old thing.

Halloween lost all it's flavour.