Androphobia - fear of men

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by nathalie112689

Yes, I have a therapist. I recently started seeing one in late June, but the main reason why I have a therapist in the first place isn't because of guys. That's another story.

Maybe you should consider mentioning your phobia to your therapist if you haven't done so yet. (Sorry if someone else already said this. I honestly didn't read all of the comments.)

I myself have considered seeing a therapist, but I keep postponing it, but not because of phobia. I've never had a phobia of men even though I've had plenty of bad experiences. Perhaps because I always had my share of male friends to counter the ones that did me harm. As a child I was made fun of by the boys in my elementary school and then in junior and high school boys also made fun of me because I was so skinny. Still, I also had those that were interested in me. I also had male friends in church that countered those that treated me badly in school. There's also the fact that I was raised with three brothers and thus, in a male dominant environment. I was used to playing with boys and with "boy toys" as a child.

As a teenager, I always feared taking the bus because every time I did, I was harassed, but there were always "Samaritans" to defend me for every time I was harassed. I was also harassed by a co-worker in a job with an airline. He kissed me by force and instead of reporting him I quit my job. I was too scared to say anything and I was also engaged then and even blamed myself for what had happened. I never told my boyfriend about what had happened. I couldn't. I was always shy, quiet, and submissive.

After all my bad experiences I had the worst of all. For years I was emotionally abused by my partner in an everyday fashion. I hid it as best as I could and whenever he told me to leave the house I begged him to not send me away and after a few days of not speaking to me he would 'change his mind'. I resisted as best as I could because I didn't want my relationship to fail and there were already children involved, but then the threats started. After four years of being together he started telling me that I needed beatings because I was so worthless and finally, he threatened with killing me. That was the last threat since then we got separated and we are living in different countries. He sent me back to my homeland with the children because he was afraid of doing something he would regret.

Even after all this I am not afraid of men because I know that there are bad guys and good guys. The most I could say is being afraid of getting hurt again, but that's another story. I truly hope you can recover and go on. I know you can.

[kujoe]

Originally Posted by 2H-Dragon

The dude has a point.

I tried to make it look I really don't know how to solve that problem since I'm not a girl and I don't really have a fear for woman and the girls I know should develop a fear for men imo. xD

My real advice was this though;

I'm confused with your response, but I assume the "stupid" was meant for me. Not sure really, but I'm not going to bother in this thread. Well, whatever.

Yes, I also understood what your advice was, but care to further elaborate on what you mean by girls should develop a fear of men?

[2H-Dragon]

Originally Posted by kujoe

I'm confused with your response, but I assume the "stupid" was meant for me. Not sure really, but I'm not going to bother in this thread. Well, whatever.

Yes, I also understood what your advice was, but care to further elaborate on what you mean by girls should develop a fear of men?

Oh it was kinda a joke as in; The girls I know are kinda boy-crazy wouldn't hurt for them to be less boy crazy. xD

The I'm with stupid thing is that I agree with Gemstar.

[nathalie112689]

Originally Posted by Shinndou

Anyway, for your case and your fear of men, as far as I (and the other people here, I guess) can speculate on it and based on what you said so far, I can only suppose that it's caused by your fear of losing your intimacy and your privacy. I don't know what events and facts during your life shaped your personality like this, but it does seem that a combination of extreme shyness, introversion, fear of being "hurt" (whether it's phisically, emotionally, or mentally) has somehow lead you to this current phobia. I also don't know if you've ever been good or bad at socializing with people (but I could guess you might not be) so that might be have been an other factor.

It's true. I am really bad at socializing with people in real life. When I was in elementary school, my shyness didn't effect me that much from conversing and blabbing on about literally anything to my friends, but I was just a kid. What I think is my mind wasn't starting to mature yet, so there were lots of things I ignored or didn't recognize. I remember my first impression of seeing other children my age (in kindergarten) in a whole room for the first time. I was terrified. This sounds like a normal reaction of any person who went to kindergarten and didn't like what he/she saw. Before that time, I had never been with other children, and though they might have been curious about me, I didn't like how they stared at me. That was something new for me to see, and I disliked the temporary attention. I didn't speak in kindergarten. Not to my teacher, not to the other kids except for this one girl who became my friend. When the teacher was storytelling from a picture book and everyone sat around her to listen, I wouldn't go. The very idea of sitting next to strangers was not something I wanted to do. Maybe this had to deal with the fact I didn't understand letters and words yet, so I didn't know how listening to that could relate to me. But, when I became friends with that girl, I was able to tolerate sitting with them if she was there with me. Besides this girl (her name was Diana), the only other person I was around that much was my brother. Before I had anyone to sit with at lunch, I sat with him at lunch. Everything was very vague at first, and I ignored the people around me or what they asked him about me. But there was one day I suddenly perceived the presence of those people next to me and across from me. The feeling I got was something like embarrassment because I wouldn't speak to any of them.

When kindergarten ended, I thought I was done with "school". I didn't understand the concept of "school" in kindergarten. I still remember the first day of kindergarten a little vaguely. I begged and begged my mom to stay with me. I had thought she had taken me to that place with other kids and a teacher because I had been bad.
First grade was rougher for me. While my kindergarten teacher had been gentle and waiting for me to open up, my first grade teacher was much more strict, and had a sharp tongue. You would think this person were a man, but in fact she was a woman. I can say my time in first grade affected me in a way I didn't even know back then. I had a lot of moments in first grade where I was so nervous, and my heart kept pounding really fast. At first, I rejected everything in the classroom. When the teacher gave out paper to write on or whatever, I would stuff it into my desk; not understanding what I was supposed to do with it. I watched the other kids listen to the teacher and all though I still didn't know why they obeyed. I was still quiet in first grade, but I was scared of the teacher. One time she pulled out all the papers I crammed into the desk. At first, I just watched and thought she was cleaning. But then she turned to me and warned me about doing that next time. I didn't say anything; hardly looked at her or formed an expression on my face, but inside, I was a little scared of her words.
My teacher's behavior did remind me a little of my mother's. My mother tutored me in math and english and checked all my homework. It took me a long time to understand the concept of adding and subtracting numbers. I could write numbers, but I didn't know how to add or subtract. So every time, I just wrote random numbers under the ones I had to add or subtract. She seemed exasperated whenever she looked at what I wrote only to see the answers were wrong. Often she had a hard look on her face. I don't remember the things she said when commenting on what I wrote. But they were possibly negative. Maybe I didn't know.
Distinctly, I do remember later in my life, she would say things like, "How can you be so stupid?" or "You're so stupid". These words sound harsh, and yes, they were, in my point of view, but I didn't start to react to these words until she kept saying it lots of times when I would write an answer wrong or I didn't know the answer.

It's not much information that I write about old memories from when I was little, but I tried to pick out the ones that I remembered more vividly. I don't know if these early experiences contributed to extreme shyness, introversion, or the fear of being hurt which in turn with all those combined can have the fear of losing privacy.

[Zennifa]

I really think you should seek some counseling. That's a horrible way to go through life. I guess some people are fighters and some aren't, I had guys pick on me when I was in 5/6th grade and all through middle school because I was always small. (I'm like, 5'1 tall). Anyway- when all that would happen it made me feel really bad about myself and I hated them for it, I even wondered why any guys would like me (I thought they must be semi- pedophilic, since I always looked much younger than my age) but I eventually got over it and realized that how I was wasn't a bad thing.

I don't know if they have hurt your self esteem like that, or just you feel a scared feeling because you don't want to feel invaded or what, but it sounds like something emotional that you'd need to work through with someone who knows how to help you through your forest of troubled thoughts.

I hope things work out for you in the end, if you don't get over your man fear, you can always take to girls. (sorry that last part is maybe a bit too light hearted for this thread but I had to).

[Reno]

Wow Nathalie112689... your story almost brought tears to my eyes. I've never known anything like it though.... yeah I used to get bullied a bit at school, and I suppose it is because of my shyness. It was the worse in year 8. I used to dread every art lesson because it was always this same bunch of guys who made fun of me. Suppose it was because I was an easy target, and having Aspergers didn't help. :\. But I somehow got through it.

I can't say I've every been in a proper fight. It was always words.

[Lexander]

What saddens me the most about this is that those guys eventually end up getting lots and lots of women(leaving a trail on men hating women).


I think most guys suffer the curse of 'checking girls out' though. I think it would be healthy to try to ignore it, for your sake

[the follower 89]

Yes I know what is to be bullied, by 5 other guys, in elementary school, good for me i have a mom that defend her self, she go to my school and talk with these guys and they stop, i think they get scare, belime my mom was scary, good she has change

I rely understand how you midht fell, i'm a man but i don't like when people makes fun of others, specially men of women, i hate them, and i understand why you migth fear men. Only remeber that outer are real people that understand you and many guys that are nice, teke as an example , just kiding.

If you havent done it alredy, i advise you to seek help so you could get over it and see the nice side on others.

PS. I'm also a litttle like you, i don't like big groups, i prefer to be alone, throug my school life iwas always alone, never talk, away from others, not because ifeel scare or have problem, was just that i wasen't like them, young people are loud and like to screem and have fun their way, you know, but iwas never interested in that, i told you i like to be alone, feels better, also in class i never like groups, i was always asking if i can work alone. so thats me there is nothing wrong in like to be alone, is just how some of us are, i'm rigth

The only compani i like is that of my nearer family members, because they tend to think like me, i have nine famili mebers i apreciate, so you could also rely on you closest family atleast i could do that.

good luck with you live i hope you pass this fear

[aka Providence]

@nathalie112689: what you feel about men is understandable, but do you really want to live your entire life in fear? i was bullied quite a bit too when i was a kid, but as i grew old i kinda figured that i'd regret it forever of i cared about it. listen, if there are bullies in the world there'd be someone who'd understand you, or something like that. it's a cheesy phrase, but it's kinda nice to believe in it, eh?

have fun, move at your own pace, and why care if a douchebag has something to say about it?

[SeedFreedom]

i know this post is a little late, but i like to chirp in. (p.s. i'm a guy) anyways, wow. it really sucks when most of your experiences with guys turned out crappy. there are tons of crappy guys out there, but some can be quite sweet. i follow a strict code of conduct with women, also to the point of the knights code. i can say growing up there were these two girls that would taunt and tease me and my friend, so as revenge i was a total jerk. all kids can be like that and it shouldn't really be your final judgment. but when i got to high school i decided to completely change my outlook on life( for other reasons). the best advice i can give you is to find some of your best friends. people you trust with your life (or family members) and just let loose. you find when your not worried about people judging you you aren't as shy. as for meeting guys, start with people your friends know and trust. but i really recommend, although probably too late, you find a way to concur this fear and shyness before university. people in university are cold and uncaring as they just have too much to do to worry about other people. and as much as you want to avoid it you will need to work with these people. im not an expert and i didnt read all the comments on this thread but i hope this helps a little.

[skullreaper9]

I am only a teen but being androphobic is not something I like, it is normal for me to suddenly seize up in the middle of the hall way in fear of the boys around me.Not only is it tough in school but at home as well, having an older brother we get in fights a lot they are never verbal only physical fights this did not bother me as a kid but before long during middle school I began to feel how much more power a man could have over me. Not only was I sexually harassed but I was also bullied because I was so quite. At home I began living in fear of my brother locking myself up in my room trying to not show my fear I still do this.Every day I feel my body seize up under fear not only does it put stress on me but it keeps me from doing what I want to do.

[risingstar3110]

Good day

I will be honest and admit that i will never understand your fear. Androphobia is simply too alien for me to understand, and i can't quite related any of my 'phobic' to (I afraid of worms and a bit of height). But, may i ask how old are you and your brother are? Because if he's old and mature enough , maybe you can actually approach and shared this with him on that to at least getting him off your back. As an older brother, i can say that: unless that brother of yours is a completely asshole, otherwise it's built within our DNA to protect and maintain the relationship toward the younger (female? i will assume you are a girl) member of the family.

That does not means that we never tease or bully our younger siblings. It's just that sometime it's a way for guys to maintain relationships (by going indirect at everything), and maintain our status to be feared and respected by younger siblings. I probably can spin it with nicer words, but it's the truth, most males in general will loved to being feared and respected by others, more so by younger female. And much more so by younger sisters. Some idiots stepped out of lines trying to achieve that with violence and physical or vocal forces. Those like me probably will try to impress my sister with a little bit of wisdom (and sometime school grades), influence their path, and do occasionally release my anger when she stepped out of line.

Once again, i just want to be frank. That my understanding of how guys think, and i firmly believe that it is within our DNA to behave like that. And I still can't find exceptions

But , if you look at it that way then it's possible that your older brothers have not been doing all that to hurt or harm you (because of who you are), but most likely to satisfy his ego, natural instinct, etc.... ( i don't know him personally, he may simply just an asshole who want to see you hurt, but it's less likely). Sexual harassment at that ages is mostly part of gender curiosity. And if he still have physical fights with you, it is even more likely, as i don't think he is mature enough. But if you are a teen, then he's probably reaching the age where it has been dragging too long, and these kinds of behaviors should end. Maybe you should avoid getting into a fight with him next time, step up, trying to hole up, don't return strike, cry if you feel like, send a clear message that you don't want to drag that on those fights, and that he don't need to overpower someone (especially his younger sibling) to be feared and respected. It's a disgrace for guys to attack a girl, no matter the context, so clearly show (or tell) him that. And if he still continuously hit a younger girl who does not react his strikes, then i will personally want to kick his ass. Hope it will not be the case

Then you should also reflect over yourself. We all knows teens, your age, and i once was, will always feel more self-victimised. So think hard, and don't fall into that trap. Many guys are out to get you. But not all are. And timid young girl once again is a valuable assets to guys, as they are instantly feared and respected by you without doing anything, so most won't want to harm you. In fact they will be the first one to jump out trying to protect you by their first extinct. Understand your fear, but don't exaggerate it. Everyone can fear anything with a wrong mindset. I once holed up in my apartments for 1-2 months, and the first time I came out, there is really a fear that from any car or any street corners, something may jump out to get me. I also once was terrorised by being left alone in the apartments, fearing that if i looked into a reflected windows or mirrors, i will see ghosts all around me. It's all silliness that was exaggerated by the state of minds. So confirm your fear, and if you realise that it's real, and you can't fight it yourself, then seek helps.

And don't simply listen to my words. Think hard and take what you agree

[Kaijo]

I can't add much more to this, that hasn't been said. But his being an anime forum, I will recommend an anime series to those who suffer from this: Kokoro Connect.

One of the main characters there, Yui, suffers from it. And it might help to follow her as she deals with this. Although, granted, some things about the methods aren't exactly repeatable in the real world, heh.

[Guido]

To nathalie112689,

Probably, I'm the least person to say this to you due to the simple fact that I'm a male.

In some ways I can relate to your situation a little bit. I too was bullied when I was a child, though my bullying never reached ever the kind of b¨*****t that you went through.

I got bullied from sixth grade to ninth grade by a bunch of immature twerps, and still got bullied by an idiot who used to throw pieces of chalk on my head from the second floor during my first year of highschool.
However, from my second year of highschool and even throughout college my life finally worked fine for me.

Sometimes, after reading your post I have to reflect upon words to try to understand why boys and men behave in such sort of destructive ways against our female cohorts?
What do we gain from acting like that?

I'm not going to deny that I also experienced a sort of bully phase in my childhood, though my bullying acts usually were directed towards boys, and I quickly grew out of them; that phase went very brief for me.
But, never as a child ever did bully a girl like pulling down her hair strands or something of the like.

This was likely due that I got a real education, real manners taught to me, and real love from both my parents. And, I tell you something: I sometimes felt shy around females, and still today at my age feel some degree of shyness around them too.

But, there's an important lesson you're missing, and that's a lesson I learned from a very common man that is trying his best efforts to do something for people:
- That we're both victims and victimizers at the same time. Those are his words.

Yes, when we have been insulted, degraded, humilliated, or something worse, a natural reaction is to see ourselves as victims.

But, we also have the potential to turn and become victimizers as well.

You never know, but what if maybe a few of those boys who did mean things to you came from crapsack homes?
- Boys who never got love from their families
- Boys who might have been mistreated or abused or sexually harrassed by their parents or another family member.
- Or boys who received a crappy education at their homes, because their parents didn't give a s*** about them.

Of course, I won't tell you that they were innocent. Just as I won't tell you that not all of them necessarily experienced a kind of sick or traumatizing situation at home that made them to turn into such nasty people.

What is important for you is to make your best effort to try healing from those wounds and carry on with your life; live and let live as the song says.

Do Not let those experiences continue to affect you, becasue if you keep them on with you in the long-term they'll drag you, and you won't be able to go ahead to try to live in the present in order to live your life and make it as bountiful and happily as possible.


I can only hope and pray for you that you will eventually make your own self-discovery in order to recover.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Guido

To nathalie112689,

She hasn't been active on this forum for 4-5 years.

Although I have to thank you for replying anyway, as I would have missed this thread otherwise. I don't think we'll make a conversation out of it (everyone is going to be replying to the first post, even though the poster is long inactive), but it's interesting to me that many people focused on the bullying and seemingly overlooked the sexual aspect. Nathalie's fears weren't just around bullying, but specifically around sexual harassment.

It's a moot point now since she's no longer active to discuss it.