A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
Quote:
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
A couple of homeless guys were walking around in a rural area. It was getting dark and it was cold outside, so they decided to go to the nearest house and ask to spend the night.
The first that they came to, a farmer answered the door. He was a nice fellow, and let them sleep over under one condition: They wouldn't go into his daughter's room or there will be trouble.
The next morning, he finds both of them not only in his daughters room, but in her bed with her!
He gets his shotgun and tells each bum to pick 50 of his favorite fruits from the garden.
The first guy comes back with 50 cherries. The farmer says: "Pull down your pants." and points the shotgun at the guy. The guy obliges. Then the farmer starts stuffing the cherries up the guys @$$.
After the first 10 cherries, the guy starts laughing. The farmer continues. 20. The guy it still laughing. 30. The guy laughs harder. 40. The guy laughs even harder. 50. The guy falls down on the floor from laughter. The farmer can't stand it anymore: "Why are you laughing?"
Guy:"My friend is picking watermelons."