2012-01-18, 21:52 | Link #9983 | |
Love Yourself
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
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I suppose it also depends on your thoughts on "true love." If you ask me, "true love" is something that is cultivated between two people. "Love" that is one-sided isn't love, but attraction. True love is worth fighting for (and it must be fought for in order for it to exist), but attraction... not to the same extent.
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2012-01-18, 22:08 | Link #9984 |
Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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I think True Love is a bit of an overused phrase. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a romantic at heart, I like the lovey dovey stuff. The whole concept of romantic "destiny" is a seductive one.
Doesn't exist though, no 2 people are fated to be together. When you're really infatuated there's always that sense that you're meant to be together, but it's not true. Sure, you might have really good relationship prospects, you might really get along, but there's nothing cosmic involved. You have to keep a thick skin and be pragmatic. Find a girl you get along with, if it doesn't work out, find someone else. And if it working, you'll get all those "big romantic feelings", and they'll feel great, but always remember that it's not true. Take this from a guy that's had a one sided love for a girl 2 times, each time lasting about a year. Doesn't matter how intense your feelings are, it doesn't change whether or not she'll like you. And if she doesn't reciprocate, move on. |
2012-01-18, 22:26 | Link #9985 |
廉頗
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Massachusetts
Age: 34
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And if you're too fixated on true love, you can run into problems if you get divorced or (worst case scenario) your spouse dies early. The latter is actually a prevalent theme in the anime Maison Ikkoku, the main female character, Kyoko, is reluctant to develop feelings for anyone else as a result of her devotion to her deceased husband. While her motivations were influenced by Japanese culture, I think 'true love' is also a Western romantic movement meme that has been imbedded into our culture, making it quite similar.
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2012-01-19, 05:30 | Link #9987 |
Senior Member
Artist
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: The Middle Way
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Okay, so I noticed something about the people around me, and it seems that the most common reason for break-ups is that the person somehow turned into someone different from who they thought they were before.
Just an observation, personally I don't see how that can happen because people are generally open books, but I guess it just happens.
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2012-01-19, 05:40 | Link #9988 | |
Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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2012-01-19, 05:56 | Link #9989 |
Senior Member
Artist
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: The Middle Way
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Yes exactly, as an example a guy I know just broke up with his girlfriend of less than a year and said that it's because she flirts with other guys a lot, which he says wasn't the case before. This only leads me to believe that he never had a good grasp of her personality anyway.
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2012-01-19, 06:50 | Link #9990 | |
is Peking
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: London baby YEA!
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One true lust? - yea your just setting yourself up for failure or misery. you are at most truly happy with someone when they let you be yourself... wisdom many agree with... yet when that true self is saying, "damn that girl is pretty hot, a one night stand with her would be the most fun thing i can think of doing right now..." and your saying.."but what about Cindy my gf?, she would not want me to do that..." Then your not REALLY being yourself are you? Because you are changing YOUR behavior, to suit the illogical idea's of someone else. |
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2012-01-19, 08:52 | Link #9991 | ||
Senior Guest
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Athens (GMT+2)
Age: 35
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2012-01-19, 11:56 | Link #9992 |
Anime Cynic
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: USA
Age: 35
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People get so caught up in "being in a relationship" that they don't look before they leap. They focus on the good and ignore the bad. Problem is, once things get serious, you can't help but have to deal with the bad. For some reason, no one ever talks about these things BEFOREHAND, so it comes as a total shock.
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2012-01-19, 12:53 | Link #9993 | ||
Love Yourself
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
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Quote:
It's certainly possible that people never took the time to learn everything about each other, or that one partner was hiding something. It's also quite possible that people grow apart. Look, a relationship is a lot of work. The reason I dislike the notion of "true love" or "fated lovers" is because people lose their sense of responsibility. They take the stance that if things go sour, then this person must not have been "the one." In reality, things can and will go sour in every relationship. It just means that the partners need to do the work to get over it and restore harmony. Part of the work involves keeping in sync with one another. Case in point, I've been with my wife for about six years now. We were both 20, and still had growing to do. Since then, we've made the transition of going from the university to graduate school and medical school, made some major moves between different cities, and went through a fair amount of stress together. Neither of us are the same people that we were six years ago - not nearly. Yet we're closer than ever, because we've grown together. We do the work (although it doesn't feel like work): we talk about everything that happened to each of us, we make time for each other, and we resolve any and all things that bother one about the other. When you care about someone and they care about you back, doing that doesn't feel like a big deal. If you add it up, though, that's a ton of time and talking. We're currently separated (schools are apart), yet we still talk for 1-2 hours per day, keeping in sync with each other. (And trust me - with our study schedules, that is really no easy task.) Each relationship is different, of course - what we do may be excessive for some, and it may be deficient for others. Quote:
The social aspect is that nobody wants to "scare someone off." Everyone has baggage, and everyone has problems. Yet if the relationship hasn't become serious, then what prevents a person from simply taking flight once they find out about it? It's better to have them discover all of the good things about you - the things that will show them that it's worth sticking around - before showing them the bad parts, right? I don't think there's anything wrong with how that usually progresses. The real problem is when people find out about these negatives, but don't do anything about it. It's very uncomfortable to do and I completely understand why people are reluctant to confront those things, but a relationship is made so much stronger for it.
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2012-01-19, 13:50 | Link #9994 |
Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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@Ledgem: While it's certainly true that people can grow apart over time (likely resulting in divorces...), I think that when we consider that this is more related to breakups, which in most cases are in relatively shorter relationships, and certainly short enough that no major personality changes should have occured (barring some major life event). In this case, I think it is reasonable to say that when people say "she grew to be someone different" it's more accurate to say "I didn't have an accurate view of her".
When it comes to omance, people always view the object of their affection through "rose tinted glasses" and don't see that person's faults. Because of that fact, it can often be a shock when they see that person do something that doesn't gel with their preconceived view of the person. For instance a guy might assume the girl he's crushing on is "pure" in a conservative manner, only to see her snort cocaine at a party, somewhat breaking that image. |
2012-01-19, 14:13 | Link #9995 | |
Underweight Food Hoarder
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Yes, most break ups are short term and it's from short term social changes. When someone loses that desperate need of being in a relationship from when they were 'single and looking'. That or the mystery. Where once the couple begin to uncover each others character; that sense of curiosity dissipates and motivation to continue the relationship in the same vibrant manner is gone. I think a lot of short term break ups are simply lack of continual interest and then covered up with some lazily thrown together excuses that you want your friends to believe is break-up worthy. ----------------------- Has anyone broken up with someone and made up again? If so, how did that go. I've been dumped twice where my ex-gf would try to make up again after 6 months of no communication. o__O |
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2012-01-19, 14:59 | Link #9996 |
Anime Cynic
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: USA
Age: 35
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Perhaps it's just the wrong mindset. For example, I'm at the point in my life where I'm past looking for a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend. I want a potential wife. Because of that, I'm not in it for the "mystery." I made sure to find out what I could about my current girlfriend BEFORE we got serious. Now, the "vibrant manner" comes from being close to a person who is so similar to me. It's BECAUSE of her character that I like her, not in spite of it.
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2012-01-30, 10:20 | Link #9999 |
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
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I wonder if you could give me some insights/advice on these two situations that are going on with my friends? These two are opposite extremes, I think, and I'm lost at what I can do to help them-- They both are very dear friends of mine:
1/ The first situation is a 15-year-old friend of mine. He confessed to a girl and was rejected. The girl told him she didn't even want to be "close friends." When she started dating someone else, he was devastated and having suicidal thoughts. Luckily, friends talked him out of it. But he still hasn't given up on the girl. He said he would try again and again until he's successful. 2/ The second situation concerns a 20-year-old friend who has a crush on one of his Facebook friends, but he pushed her away. Last edited by Hera; 2012-02-04 at 12:43. |
2012-01-30, 10:36 | Link #10000 |
You're Hot, Cupcake
Join Date: Aug 2008
Age: 42
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The first person has idealism and dreams that are somewhat admirable. But if they're going to aspire to that, they need to accept most people don't share that belief or such a pure notion. They will have to be patient, accept that rejection will occur most of the time and learn from it. Hopefully it will strengthen them in the long run.
The second person sounds like a mix of two things. 1. They prefer misery/never taking that chance to daring to having heartbreak for real. 2. They're not ready for love and need to mature before they're ready. Because leading someone on like that then burning them when the moment comes is pretty darn low. Someone who has a proper concept of love and appreciates what it is to care about someone else wouldn't hurt the one they love to such a cruel degree.
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Tags |
advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom |
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