Dating

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Splitpersonality

No, because him staying with her for his reasons, whatever they may be, I can bet they're selfish. Because he can't stand to break up with her, because he's too nice.

You're allowed to be selfish about wants, if you're hurt, be hurt, don't just bend backwards and let him off the hook when you're upset, don't do that for anyone or people'll just walk all over you :P

Thank you. ^__^

[Ascaloth]

Update on my situation:

So, check this out. The girl's giving me mixed signals.

The night I made out with her, she said the next day that she didn't want to do that anymore, since she thought we were moving too fast. She said she didn't even want to kiss me, since she doesn't want to do so until she's absolutely certain of her feelings for me. Which sucks, but I guess that was fair enough; I was moving rather fast after all. So I told her I would do my best to respect her wishes, but no promises since I've also told her I can be a 'dangerous' guy.



So on the next date one week later, we were just holding each other without doing much of anything else....until I accidentally kissed her. Long story. The funny thing is, she didn't even attempt to turn away.

It's been like that ever since. She would say she didn't want to kiss me, and it's only because it's so hard to refrain from kissing me when we're holding each other, since I'm either always trying to kiss her, or turn my face towards her when she's just trying to kiss my cheek. Which again is fair enough; sometimes I am trying to kiss her just to see how she'll react, and sometimes it's really just by accident. But whatever the case, whenever our lips meet (by accident or otherwise), she not only doesn't attempt to turn away, she happily kisses me back.

The last time, I even asked her why she doesn't turn away when I try to kiss her, if she didn't want to kiss me. The answer? She says she likes it.

So, yeah. lolwut. I'd like to respect her wishes, but when what she says doesn't fit with what she does, I just get confused. What the hell do I do here?

[Quzor]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Update on my situation:

So, check this out. The girl's giving me mixed signals.

The night I made out with her, she said the next day that she didn't want to do that anymore, since she thought we were moving too fast. She said she didn't even want to kiss me, since she doesn't want to do so until she's absolutely certain of her feelings for me. Which sucks, but I guess that was fair enough; I was moving rather fast after all. So I told her I would do my best to respect her wishes, but no promises since I've also told her I can be a 'dangerous' guy.



So on the next date one week later, we were just holding each other without doing much of anything else....until I accidentally kissed her. Long story. The funny thing is, she didn't even attempt to turn away.

It's been like that ever since. She would say she didn't want to kiss me, and it's only because it's so hard to refrain from kissing me when we're holding each other, since I'm either always trying to kiss her, or turn my face towards her when she's just trying to kiss my cheek. Which again is fair enough; sometimes I am trying to kiss her just to see how she'll react, and sometimes it's really just by accident. But whatever the case, whenever our lips meet (by accident or otherwise), she not only doesn't attempt to turn away, she happily kisses me back.

The last time, I even asked her why she doesn't turn away when I try to kiss her, if she didn't want to kiss me. The answer? She says she likes it.

So, yeah. lolwut. I'd like to respect her wishes, but when what she says doesn't fit with what she does, I just get confused. What the hell do I do here?

Honestly, if things are going well, just keep doing what you're doing. I suspect that she'll be significantly more forceful about the whole kissing/not-kissing issue if and when it becomes a problem. It seems like she's just saying she doesn't want to kiss you as a half-assed attempt to play hard to get; except she forgot she was trying to do that.

No reason to spoil a good thing by reading too much into the situation. If it's goin' good, then keep it goin'.

[Throne Invader]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Update on my situation:

So, check this out. The girl's giving me mixed signals.

The night I made out with her, she said the next day that she didn't want to do that anymore, since she thought we were moving too fast. She said she didn't even want to kiss me, since she doesn't want to do so until she's absolutely certain of her feelings for me. Which sucks, but I guess that was fair enough; I was moving rather fast after all. So I told her I would do my best to respect her wishes, but no promises since I've also told her I can be a 'dangerous' guy.



So on the next date one week later, we were just holding each other without doing much of anything else....until I accidentally kissed her. Long story. The funny thing is, she didn't even attempt to turn away.

It's been like that ever since. She would say she didn't want to kiss me, and it's only because it's so hard to refrain from kissing me when we're holding each other, since I'm either always trying to kiss her, or turn my face towards her when she's just trying to kiss my cheek. Which again is fair enough; sometimes I am trying to kiss her just to see how she'll react, and sometimes it's really just by accident. But whatever the case, whenever our lips meet (by accident or otherwise), she not only doesn't attempt to turn away, she happily kisses me back.

The last time, I even asked her why she doesn't turn away when I try to kiss her, if she didn't want to kiss me. The answer? She says she likes it.

So, yeah. lolwut. I'd like to respect her wishes, but when what she says doesn't fit with what she does, I just get confused. What the hell do I do here?

Don't kiss her if it's her wish. Respect her if that's what she says. Both of you just keep placing yourselves in situations where you find it hard to refrain from kissing. She may have been the one who had said that she didn't want to kiss and she keeps slipping up on what she said but you can also control your own actions. She obviously lacks control, I dunno about you. How can you say you respect her wishes if you also keep succumbing to your own wants, which is being selfish. She didn't respect her own decision, does that mean you can't too?

Yeah, she likes kissing but she said she didn't want to kiss. Well you guys keep placing yourself in moments where it's hard to refrain.

Your relationship is a bit confusing. Bottom line is though, is that something has to change. It's up to you to what you want to change of if you prefer your relationship like that and if she's just a fling or if you really want to make your relationship last long.

[Wirbelwind8]

Originally Posted by FragrantFlora

Don't kiss her if it's her wish. Respect her if that's what she says. Both of you just keep placing yourselves in situations where you find it hard to refrain from kissing. She may have been the one who had said that she didn't want to kiss and she keeps slipping up on what she said but you can also control your own actions. She obviously lacks control, I dunno about you. How can you say you respect her wishes if you also keep succumbing to your own wants, which is being selfish. She didn't respect her own decision, does that mean you can't too?

Yeah, she likes kissing but she said she didn't want to kiss. Well you guys keep placing yourself in moments where it's hard to refrain.

Your relationship is a bit confusing. Bottom line is though, is that something has to change. It's up to you to what you want to change of if you prefer your relationship like that and if she's just a fling or if you really want to make your relationship last long.

I would agree since girls do like guys with self control. Your just confusing yourself and her by doing these things. It may not seem like much, but its the little things that make the biggest difference. The beginning of a relationship I think is the hardest. Its like training, your a noob and your leveling up so you can do quests on your own (bad metaphor), but the point is, what you do at this point will determine the outcome of the relationship. you can do it, self-control, girls like that and wait till its completely obvious to do those things.

[Gin]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Update on my situation:

So, check this out. The girl's giving me mixed signals.

The night I made out with her, she said the next day that she didn't want to do that anymore, since she thought we were moving too fast. She said she didn't even want to kiss me, since she doesn't want to do so until she's absolutely certain of her feelings for me. Which sucks, but I guess that was fair enough; I was moving rather fast after all. So I told her I would do my best to respect her wishes, but no promises since I've also told her I can be a 'dangerous' guy.



So on the next date one week later, we were just holding each other without doing much of anything else....until I accidentally kissed her. Long story. The funny thing is, she didn't even attempt to turn away.

It's been like that ever since. She would say she didn't want to kiss me, and it's only because it's so hard to refrain from kissing me when we're holding each other, since I'm either always trying to kiss her, or turn my face towards her when she's just trying to kiss my cheek. Which again is fair enough; sometimes I am trying to kiss her just to see how she'll react, and sometimes it's really just by accident. But whatever the case, whenever our lips meet (by accident or otherwise), she not only doesn't attempt to turn away, she happily kisses me back.

The last time, I even asked her why she doesn't turn away when I try to kiss her, if she didn't want to kiss me. The answer? She says she likes it.

So, yeah. lolwut. I'd like to respect her wishes, but when what she says doesn't fit with what she does, I just get confused. What the hell do I do here?

It seems to me that either: a)she doesn't really like you, but she wants you to like her in case her other interests don't come through (back up guy)
b) she just thinks of you as a close friend
c) she really likes you and doesn't want to make out because she doesn't want to lose control accidentally go too far.
or d) she's a 'good girl' and she doesn't want you or other people to think she is a slut

[H23]

Originally Posted by Wirbelwind8

I would agree since girls do like guys with self control.

Other girls also like guys who take control, even if they say otherwise.

Originally Posted by Wirbelwind8

The beginning of a relationship I think is the hardest.

Negative. The beginning is easier to preserve, as that's when the flame is just burning. Keeping that flame months or years later is what's tough.

[Narona]

Originally Posted by H23

Other girls also like guys who take control, even if they say otherwise.

That depends. The girl might like it when it comes to kissing, but then some times after that, might wonder how the guy will react in other situations. For example, when it comes to have sex. If Ascaloth wants to show that he is serious for a serious relationship, he also has to show that he has a lot of self control because if the girl is not completely stupid, when she will start to think about living with him, she will obviously wonder how big is ascaloth self control skill.

So, if he is serious, it's better to show it now.

[Shinoto]

Self control is for fools! Chicks dig the out of control guy, He's most excellent like myself. I could sit on the chair normally, I could even choose to sit on it weirdly, but I choose to sit on the desk instead! EXCELLENT!

Reading through it, It's sounds like a typical game. Honestly, I'd say it's probably not a good sign for it happening so early on. It's leaning towards her playing a game or her lacking confidence then. Either she is too worried about what others will think if she appears easy or she's just toying with you in a way(Basically you're damned if you do and damned if you don't).

[Ascaloth]

Update on my situation:

Just came back from a date with her (probably the last one for some weeks, because you know, school comes first for both of us). So it seems the deal was; she asked me not to even kiss her back then mostly because her mom warned her against "kissing a boy you're not sure you truly love" (I knew about this back then, of course), and she wanted to be a good girl and try to heed her mother's admonitions. At this point though, she's basically gone "fuck it". I should know. XD

That aside, it's been a fruitful date. We've basically come to a number of new understandings;

1) She doesn't want to consider me her boyfriend, because now she equates "boyfriend" with "future husband". So, yeah. Since that's how she sees it, I'm cool not being "official" with her.
2) On another note, remember when I was worrying over the reasons why I should think twice about going ahead and dating her? Seems like she and I are of much the same type; she likes me, but she's hesitant about getting completely "serious" with me because of pretty much the same considerations. Take into context her association of "boyfriend" with "future husband", and it actually makes a lot of sense.
3) Yet either way, right now we're still perfectly happy to date, and even....get physical with one another . We're enjoying our time together now in the mutual understanding that the odds are stacked against us; it would be nice if we can develop a love strong enough to overcome the barriers between us, but frankly, we're both terminally realistic people.

So in short, our relationship is going decent, but we're both aware that our days together is likely to be limited. So is it a fling? I don't really see it that way. I like to think of it as making fond memories for future reminiscence.

Heh. Long story over. I wonder if this is a good way to view this relationship, or whether maybe I should reconsider how I look at it.

[H23]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

So it seems the deal was; she asked me not to even kiss her back then mostly because her mom warned her against "kissing a boy you're not sure you truly love"

Wat. Is she 12 or something? o_O Bet she's Asian too?! Lawl.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

She doesn't want to consider me her boyfriend, because now she equates "boyfriend" with "future husband".

K wait, wat? Holy shit. Maybe she needs some guidance for her to see that that's not clearly the case.
If you guys are happy though then I guess it's all good.

[Wirbelwind8]

Damn I just got pwned. Im not saying self control is good for everything. I know girls like guys who take the initiative, but when a girl says no because "we are going too fast" and you do it anyway, I think a little self control is necessary....

I guess the beginning of a relationship is only hard for me :P (4 of my relationships lasted less than a week)

[Ricksterlau]

Originally Posted by H23

Negative. The beginning is easier to preserve, as that's when the flame is just burning. Keeping that flame months or years later is what's tough.

Well said. I couldn't agree with you more.

[Gin]

Originally Posted by H23

Other girls also like guys who take control, even if they say otherwise.

Yeah chicks dig being raped

Spoiler for :

Originally Posted by H23

Negative. The beginning is easier to preserve, as that's when the flame is just burning. Keeping that flame months or years later is what's tough.

No the beginning is hard because you have to start the flame, then it gets easy for a little while, then if you're not right for each other, it gets hard again.

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Gin

Yeah chicks dig being raped

Spoiler for :

If it's a consensual fantasy between the couple and steps are taken for the act to stop if she feels uncomfortable, then yeah, some do like the whole 'being taken again your will'.
There are various levels of it, but a full on 'rape' scene where you are playing with real fear with your partner is a lil into the extreme side that's kinda uncomfy for a lot of people.

No the beginning is hard because you have to start the flame, then it gets easy for a little while, then if you're not right for each other, it gets hard again.

Mixing what they mean by why keeping the spark/flame alive is the hardest.
In a sense though, seeing as many members here are young and in that first/second dates/relationship stages, I can see why getting past the 'initial must make steps to get to a place where we're happy and we're not just friends with each other' seems the hardest cause its a lot of work, its new ground and awkward times.

It is not the hardest. It is hard, yeah and nerve-wracking but this is why sometimes when single people run around all angsty, lamenting that they have no gf/bf etc, I wonder why they can’t work on themselves as individuals, enjoy life until an opportunity appears for a potential mate (or you take steps to finding someone)

Cause once you work past the initial stage and get comfy with each other, then the newness of it all, the paths to explore together, the things to learn, the places to see is where the rush and excitement tends to be at is highest.

The reason the others are saying 'preserving that is the hardest' is because you become used to each other, sometimes take each other for granted or worse, sometimes fall into the 'family' zone. By that I mean, they're just a part of you, someone you know very well, don't sleep with or think sexy or hot, but you do care for them deeply/love them.

Between couples, particularly where sex and sexuality is concerned, is perhaps where the biggest work lays. To have your partner look at you with the same hunger/lust as they used to within the first few years more than often fades with familiarity.
To do simple, nice things that makes each other smile as you may have used to do during the 'courting' stage tends to go as well. Some people think 'we're in a relationship, we're happy, I can relax now'

Nope, you keep on putting the same effort in as you did when you first got together, all the way through.

Now if you think the beginning is the hardest, imagine trying to preserve that energy and effort for 3,4,5+ plus.

If a relationship is a seed at start and the woman is the sun, the man the water, then cultivating it so it grows healthily is important.
But once it's a beautiful plant, if you don't maintain the balance needed for what works in your relationship, that plant is going to wither and die, right?
More often than not sadly, it withers away without the couples noticing (or just one person noticing) and then suddenly, there are issues.
Simple things like not setting time aside to simply talk to each other about their thoughts and feelings as humans and people, tends to be where lack of communication breaks down and people find that they 'don't know their partners anymore'.

And even then, ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘casual partners’ tend to be even harder because you’re playing with set rules and restrictions, so the amount of self discipline that’s needed to preserve the relationship in a certain state while engaging in an intimate act is some serious business.
More times than not again it fails because feelings change (as we are human after all) or drama ensues, sometimes it develops into more and lasts, sometimes it just falls apart, but hard work is needed to keep those kinds of relationships intact.

Anyways, minor digression, but since it's on about dating, that's just the first state per se.
Not all relationships will necessarily grow into the long lasting ones, some people may just enjoy each other company and time together for a year or two, as long as its healthy and both peeps are content, then sure go for it.

Life's too short to lament over, enjoy the time and experiences while you can.

[H23]

Originally Posted by Gin

No the beginning is hard because you have to start the flame, then it gets easy for a little while, then if you're not right for each other, it gets hard again.

If the flame had to even be "started" in a relationship between two people, then those two shouldn't even be "dating"; as more often than not, that "flame" gets started before they even start dating, ie: the "liking" stage - once they start dating, that feeling is just intensified, since their wants are accomodated to by being with one another and everything is perfect (also known as the "honeymoon phase" in the first few months of the relationship).

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by H23

If the flame had to even be "started" in a relationship between two people, then those two shouldn't even be "dating"; as more often than not, that "flame" gets started before they even start dating, ie: the "liking" stage - once they start dating, that feeling is just intensified, since their wants are accomodated to by being with one another and everything is perfect (also known as the "honeymoon phase" in the first few months of the relationship).

Disagree with you there.

Some of the deepest, long lasting relationships don't begin with a spark/flame. That sounds like lust to me more than likeness to a person. The sparks help give you the intiative to persue someone cause you're acting based of desire.
(Desire is more than what your nether regions are dictacting to you btw...)
But desire != suitable match or even a guarentee for a decent partner.

Perhaps why a lot of non westerners look at us all and look at 'love marriages and relationships' as they call them and wonder why people split or don't commit so easily.
More times than not, when the spark dies down, and the little bad habits and annoyances that everyone has with each other come through and its not so 'starry-eyed and glittery' anymore, then people split or one will break it off and chase another person just for that intial rush again.

"It's not fun anymore, the spark's gone."
Well yeah... so what else is there between you that'll keep you together?
Not to mention, if you're only chasing after sparks and instant chemistry, then yeesh imagine all the other possible potential future, long lasting partners you've instantly shunned from your life just cause initially, there was nothing there.

On the otherhand, some people hang out cause of mutual likes, interests with no purpose to pursue each other as more than friends, but with time and familarity, knowing each others strengths and weaknesses, that 'spark' or 'flame' appears. It's not blazing and wild as two new people meeting up and then dating perhaps, hence when it feels like its burning out or dying, people try to maintain that level of intensity.
It's more a slow, glowing ember, but nonetheless strong and hot and deep.

Those kinds perhaps are seriously underated more than people realise. Whatever kind of chemistry is between people, at the end of the day, the hardest work still lays with keeping the relationship alive and healthy between the pair of you over a prolonged period of time.

[H23]

Originally Posted by Mystique

Disagree with you there.

Some of the deepest, long lasting relationships don't begin with a spark/flame. That sounds like lust to me more than likeness to a person. The sparks help give you the intiative to persue someone cause you're acting based of desire.
(Desire is more than what your nether regions are dictacting to you btw...)
But desire != suitable match or even a guarentee for a decent partner.

Perhaps why a lot of non westerners look at us all and look at 'love marriages and relationships' as they call them and wonder why people split or don't commit so easily.
More times than not, when the spark dies down, and the little bad habits and annoyances that everyone has with each other come through and its not so 'starry-eyed and glittery' anymore, then people split or one will break it off and chase another person just for that intial rush again.

"It's not fun anymore, the spark's gone."
Well yeah... so what else is there between you that'll keep you together?

On the otherhand, some people hang out cause of mutual likes, interests with no purpose to pursue each other as more than friends, but with time and familarity, knowing each others strengths and weaknesses, that 'spark' or 'flame' appears. It's not blazing and wild as two new people meeting up and then dating perhaps, hence when it feels like its burning out or dying, people try to maintain that level of intensity.
It's more a slow, glowing ember, but nonetheless strong and hot.

Those kinds perhaps are seriously underated more than people realise. Whatever kind of chemistry is between people, at the end of the day, the hardest work still lays with keeping the relationship alive and healthy between the pair of you.

Totally agree with you - BUT, long term relationships can sprout from either what I just said, and what you said (which essentially sounds as being friends first with someone without pure platonic intentions... but you develop into liking that particular "friend" later on). Falling for a best friend of the opposite sex is a very common scenario, don't get me wrong.

[Mystique]

Indeed, however you can't say 'if there's no spark, they shouldn't be 'dating'.

Why the hell not?
The people will realise that 'okay, perhaps there is nothing that makes them think:
'hmmm hot, we get on so amazingly well, it just works'
but they like each other as people, and take the 'friend, perhaps become partners later' path as I mentioned above or other kinds of relationships, but that will only be figured one after the first date.
(or first few dates)

It's a suss out period, let's say. Gotta mingle in the sea a little to see what fish is kinda tasty or good for you, spark or no spark.
Also involves having an open mind and easy going attitude to dating in itself, I suppose.

[RadiantBeam]

Well, an update on my situation...

So apparently, my guy friend has been running into my grandmother at his workplace (the supermarket) and he's been asking about me. My friend also told me he's been bugging her about me too, asking her how I am and everything because I've gotten to a point where I'm not replying to his text messages.

It doesn't seem like a big deal, but I don't know what to do. A part of me just wants to ignore him and hope he gets the hint, but he's been asking a lot of people about me and they're starting to get really annoyed. Should I talk to him about it, lay it all out for him, or what? I honestly wanted to break away from him, but I want to keep my friends and family out of it if I can.