One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the
woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think
Spoiler for joke 2:
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head (??) and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.
The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store...I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I said, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw.
Spoiler for joke 3:
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
the end of the program had already won �500,000
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a
friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT
build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo
I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone
me
friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him
the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit
Cuckoo as me answer'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?
'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'
Spoiler for joke 4:
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him
'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD
BETTER BE THERE.'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure
enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of
the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway
and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
Spoiler for joke 5:
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
Spoiler for joke 6:
Bloke dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil ...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Man: 'Why do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Man: 'Yes, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Lager, Beer, Guinness, Spirits, Wine. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Man: 'That sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Man: 'All my life'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Man: 'Terrific. things are starting to look up'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Man: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Poker, Horses, Dogs, Roulette whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyway.'
Man: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Man: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a spliff the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Man 'Wow! I never realised Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Man 'No...'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough then.
Spoiler for jokes 7:
The Royal Wedding Night
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter
and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to
their room, she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but
it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See? I told you: with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
Spoiler for joke 8:
A Father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears welled in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her Father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her Father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that gay S.h.1.t in our garden" she said.
Spoiler for joke 9:
Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new
stud c*ckerel for his chicken. The c*cky young c*ckerel
walks over to the old c*ckerel and says: "OK, old fellow,
time to retire." The old c*ckerel says: "You can't
handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!"
The young c*ckerel replies: "Now don't give me a hassle
about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside
and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old c*ckerel
says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over
there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young c*ckerel
snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking
over!"
The old c*ckerel thinks for a minute and then says to the
young c*ckerel: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have
a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the
race gets full domain over the chicken coop."
The young c*ckerel smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you,
old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head
start." The two line up in back of the farm house;
a hen clucks "Go!" and the old c*ckerel takes off running.
About 5 seconds later the young c*ckerel takes off after him
. They round the front of the farm house and the young c*ckerel
is inches behind the old c*ckerel and gaining fast. Farmer Brown,
sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees
what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM!
The young c*ckerelis blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly
shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay
c*ckerel I bought this week."
Spoiler for joke 10:
A man is driving down a country road in Ireland and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. It is the most beautiful sound he has ever heard in his life. He is instantly captivated and enchanted. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a hauntingly seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound which continually echoes in his mind, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has now become very clear and definite.
The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.....
Spoiler for the thing is actually ....:
I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.
Spoiler for last joke:
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tyre Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Classic jokes is still the best
__________________
“This be the realest shit I ever wrote.” ~Tupac
So very dead right now.. but still breathing thank you.
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
the end of the program had already won �500,000
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a
friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT
build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo
I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone
me
friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him
the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit
Cuckoo as me answer'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?
2009-04-23, 18:37
Graphic Designer
But I just found another gret and short video 
