Dating

[Kingdom]

Originally Posted by Generic Asian Guy

That reminds me of a quote from My Sassy Girl:

"Fate is building a bridge of chance for the one you love."


So I guess she built a bridge of chance by increasing the likelihood of seeing you again at the bus stop Is it luck, or fate?

Haha, I was reading through this page and that was the exact quote I was thinking about too.

Anyways, onto the topic, I think I'm a lot alike to you. I've had two girlfriends so far, both of which were friends first that I pursued a relationship. I don't actively seek out girls (shy syndrome) but I find that if you want a relationship to work, you need quite a bit of "luck." Mainly, I think it's a right time and place problem mixed with a bit of courage to initiate the first meeting.

[Kazuma77]

I am very happy to see in love couples couple of times i found myself in a place where there were only couples around me, and only few lost souls like me that was a bit.. ehm... unpleasant

[Fome]

Originally Posted by Vestus

Haha, when I think of "falling out of the sky" I think random chance or coincidence. Semantics, bleh .

Also, the anxiety is what makes it all worthwhile.




Yup. It took awhile (like 3 weeks lol). I won't tell everything (most of it is so embarrassing), but I'll tell what kicked-started the relationship:

We carpool twice a week to school (only me and her), and we park away from school so we don't have to pay for the permit in order to park in the school parking lot. So, because of that, we have a 15 - 30 min walk to school.

Well, one day it was a little chilly outside, and while we were walking to school I saw her shivering. I had a sweater on (I always do) so I said, "Here, take my sweater" and gave her my sweater. She blushed a little bit (I love it when she does). I then said to myself, "Dude, just grab her hand you idiot." so I did. She then took her free hand and grabbed my arm that was holding her hand and put her head on my shoulder. We walked the rest of the way like that.

No it doesn't stop there.

That day, we had class until dark so it was really cold when we had to walk back to my car. So, she suggested we take the bus back to my car (apparently the bus stops near where I park). Now, none of us took the bus, or at least I didn't (she may have planned this), but the bus takes about 30-45 mins to get to our stop. So, we took the bus and sat in the back. It was warm (thank God!), and the bus was empty for the whole trip. We cuddled the whole time.

We, barely spoke any words through the whole day.

Damn that's just adorable. Is she an anime fan or something?

[Knightmare213]

Originally Posted by Vestus

Yup. It took awhile (like 3 weeks lol). I won't tell everything (most of it is so embarrassing), but I'll tell what kicked-started the relationship:

We carpool twice a week to school...

...the whole day.

I cut your story short just because I didn't want to quote the entire thing.


I have to say your story reminds me of one of my favorite lines from the movie Hitch.

"60 percent of all human communication is non-verbal. Body Language. 30 percent is your tone. So that means that 90 percent of what you're saying...ain't coming out of your mouth."


From what I've heard and read, confessing your feelings is generally a wrong thing to do (this also comes from my personal experiences). However, confessing with body language, flirting, is the right thing to do. Using eye contact, touch, and other forms of general body language is one effective way to say, "...(insert your possible romantic candidate's name here)...I think I have feelings for you."

So what I think happened between you, Vestus, and your 'girlfriend' is that you guys just communicated with body language.

If you didn't know how it happened now, you might do now.


Speaking of flirting, I've been juggling with the idea of dating one of my co-worker. Even though the idea of dating one of your co-worker is almost as suicidal as confessing feeling verbally, but I'll probably quitting my job for a better one within month's time.

I'll be working with her around tomorrow. However, if it comes to a point where I really have a strong...suspicion of her interested in me, how the hell can I ask her out?

[Vestus]

Originally Posted by Fome

Damn that's just adorable. Is she an anime fan or something?

Well, she likes watching Avatar (I count that show as anime), but I don't think she watches anime. She's really busy with extra activities.

Originally Posted by Knightmare213

Speaking of flirting, I've been juggling with the idea of dating one of my co-worker. Even though the idea of dating one of your co-worker is almost as suicidal as confessing feeling verbally, but I'll probably quitting my job for a better one within month's time.

I'll be working with her around tomorrow. However, if it comes to a point where I really have a strong...suspicion of her interested in me, how the hell can I ask her out?

If I were you, I'd wait until I was on my last 2 weeks. I would then get her number on the last day working with her saying, "Hey, it's my last day working with you <insert name>. I really enjoyed working with you around, so maybe I could get your number to keep in touch?" or something like that (remember I'm really bad at asking girls out in general).

If she has any attraction toward you (which she probably does, judging on what u said), she'll give you her number.

Then, call her up and ask her out. Something like, "Hey, you busy <insert day and time>?" and go from there.

[Knightmare213]

Originally Posted by Vestus

If I were you, I'd wait until I was on my last 2 weeks. I would then get her number on the last day working with her saying, "Hey, it's my last day working with you <insert name>. I really enjoyed working with you around, so maybe I could get your number to keep in touch?" or something like that (remember I'm really bad at asking girls out in general).

If she has any attraction toward you (which she probably does, judging on what u said), she'll give you her number.

Then, call her up and ask her out. Something like, "Hey, you busy <insert day and time>?" and go from there.

Here's an additional info. My working hours are not so compatible with her's. Therefore I never really get to work with her or see her often. After today, I suspect I won't see her again at least for the next two weeks. Not only that, my workplace is going to have an overdue renovation. So I'm gonna try to get her e-mail as a priority, but her phone number as well if I can.

The reason why I'm getting her e-mail is because I can take my time using the right words, try to set the right tone so she really would say yes. If I tried to ask her out over the phone, I'd have to improvise and convince her on the spot (cause I'm generally bad asking girls out in person too).

[Iron Fist]

I hooked up my with my closest friend Rachel last month, and really, so far things have been great. We really have a lot in common and she just completes me.

[Knightmare213]

Just giving a late update:

I did get to work with her again for few hours. It was pretty much the same except this time she was kinda ignoring me sometimes. But like last time, there were equal amounts of touching (she touched my shoulder, I touched hers. She touched my back, and I responded as same).

There were a lot of people, some customers and some other male co-workers, but I didn't see any chance to react to it. So I kept my cool. But to be honest, I felt a strong hesitation of asking her out because of two reasons:

1. Didn't spend enough time with her.
2. Doubting that she's really into me.

For me, I don't chase girls anymore. What I can do is act like myself and try not to change just so I can get a girlfriend. I'll eventually attract someone just being me.

If you need more info to give me a clear advice (and I really do need some), I'll try to remember the events that happened days ago.

[Lonestar9]

Originally Posted by Knightmare213

Just giving a late update:

I did get to work with her again for few hours. It was pretty much the same except this time she was kinda ignoring me sometimes. But like last time, there were equal amounts of touching (she touched my shoulder, I touched hers. She touched my back, and I responded as same).

There were a lot of people, some customers and some other male co-workers, but I didn't see any chance to react to it. So I kept my cool. But to be honest, I felt a strong hesitation of asking her out because of two reasons:

1. Didn't spend enough time with her.
2. Doubting that she's really into me.

For me, I don't chase girls anymore. What I can do is act like myself and try not to change just so I can get a girlfriend. I'll eventually attract someone just being me.

If you need more info to give me a clear advice (and I really do need some), I'll try to remember the events that happened days ago.

Hmmm.....I think I've been in a pretty similar situation before, being attracted to a co-worker and wanting to ask her out(I did eventually, it turned ok, we had a few dates but no b/f-g/f relationship).
Anywaz, my advice is not to think about it so much, even if you ask her out and she saids yes, she's not yet your gf. So a first date is just to spend time with someone, to get to know them, and hopefully have some idea if the chemistry works or not. If you get a chance, just casually ask her out. If she saids no, then that really stinks, but on the other hand, if she saids yes then hopefully you guys can have a great time and get to know each other. Best of luck!

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Lonestar9

Anywaz, my advice is not to think about it so much, even if you ask her out and she saids yes, she's not yet your gf. So a first date is just to spend time with someone, to get to know them, and hopefully have some idea if the chemistry works or not. If you get a chance, just casually ask her out. If she saids no, then that really stinks, but on the other hand, if she saids yes then hopefully you guys can have a great time and get to know each other. Best of luck!

I think that's really great advice. For those of us who really think a lot about these things, we practically simulate the entire relationship (perhaps up to the point of marriage) in our heads. It's no surprise, then, that we get extremely anxious when we're asking someone out - we've practically made life plans around it, when the average guy probably hasn't given it much more thought than that the girl is attractive, and it'd be nice to get to know her better (or perhaps get to physical relations with her).

I think it's healthy to think about the relationship itself, but first you need to get to the relationship. So if there's a girl who looks interesting, ask her out. You're not committing to date each other right then and there, and you're definitely not marrying each other. As you both learn more about each other, you can decide how you feel and see if you want to elevate the relationship even further. Just also be aware that everyone feels differently about this, including women - it depends on how you ask as well, but while I'd imagine that most will use it as an opportunity to get to know you better, some will feel as if you've just asked to spend the rest of your lives together. So be careful and don't get pushed around

However, also be aware that there are girls who feel similarly about dating - they feel that if you ask them out, you want to be a boyfriend and girlfriend (this may especially be the case if you're both already friends). Acting a bit more aloof there would probably just harm you.

[Knightmare213]

@Longstar and Ledgem:

Thanks for the words of support and advices. I should be seeing her only for an hour within few days and I'll just try to casually ask her out (but WHAT?).

I've already accepted the fact that I'm not compatible with everyone. I'm not worried about getting rejected (because I really can't give a frak about it anymore), but the aftermath of rejection. "Could I still be able to work with her?" "Will it be the same?" I know I shouldn't think about the consenquences but I just can't help it.

Even though I am thinking ahead a bit, but what would make a good date idea? I know about dinner after movies (because you might be able to talk about the movie during dinner), sports events (but the baseball season is out can I don't think I can afford a basketball ticket at this moment), or could I ask her to take me to a club because I never been to one (cause she's a girl into clubbing, going to bar, etc.)

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Knightmare213

I've already accepted the fact that I'm not compatible with everyone. I'm not worried about getting rejected (because I really can't give a frak about it anymore), but the aftermath of rejection. "Could I still be able to work with her?" "Will it be the same?" I know I shouldn't think about the consenquences but I just can't help it.

Yeah, the aftermath makes it difficult. In my experience after being rejected the girl sort of avoided me for half a year before acting as if nothing had happened. If you're in a working relationship it can make things difficult - if it were appropriate you could always tell her that you didn't intend for it to make things awkward and to just forget about it, if need be. Otherwise, it's just part of the risk you take. It's a rare situation where you have to risk losing something to chance gaining something.

Even though I am thinking ahead a bit, but what would make a good date idea? I know about dinner after movies (because you might be able to talk about the movie during dinner), sports events (but the baseball season is out can I don't think I can afford a basketball ticket at this moment), or could I ask her to take me to a club because I never been to one (cause she's a girl into clubbing, going to bar, etc.)

I was never a fan of the idea of going to some sort of event where you and she aren't each other's focus. I mean, it really depends on you and her, but it's just too passive and too difficult to draw her in. The way I see it, let's say you go to a movie (or a play, or anything like that). Afterwards, you go to dinner. OK, now you have that to talk about, but it doesn't really have anything to do with you or her, unless you want to discuss knowledge of celebrities, or perhaps if the movie was deep, theories. Where were you discussing each other? Not to say that you need to be talking about each other at every moment, but it's sort of nice to get a feel for each other and to feel like someone is interested in you. I've heard theories stating that this is even more important for girls than for guys.

What to do instead? Asking someone if they'd like to get coffee, or grab lunch together, and so on seems to be a standard way of asking someone out. It's also an activity that doesn't have to be too long (whereas a move or a baseball game may occupy a larger chunk of time), but can theoretically be as long as you'd want it (lunches with the girl who turned out to be the first girl I dated were always three hours - don't ask me how).

And if you're worrying what to talk about, don't. I'm a science guy, and if you're not discussing science with me then I'd be fine discussing video games, anime, or random theories. I know absolutely nothing about the latest TV shows, celebrity gossip, or other pop culture references. Based off of those descriptions, I'm a total nerd who has no chance with girls and could barely hold a conversation with anyone. That first girl was someone I felt would have been totally out of my league - she had that appearence that would classify her as "hot," she'd been through three other boyfriends before me, and even when we were getting to know each other she told me that other guys were after her. So what did we talk about? To be honest, I can't remember most of it. She was into journalism and such, so we'd usually start up discussing some of the latest political events (thank God for the internet - news practically seeps into you and thus I could discuss back, even if somewhat lightly). As a note, politics is generally a topic you want to avoid or be very neutral about. Then we'd discuss each other, or more often, her. We'd talk about her family, personal values, all sorts of things. If you get a non-talkative girl or she feels uncomfortable with you, then you may have a harder time, but otherwise the conversation just flowed and I was simply amazed that the time went by as it did.

If you and she are not very compatible or if you have a bad personality, I can't help you there. But the point of my story is to say that even if you're not terribly confident in your conversational abilities or you think that you might not have things to talk about, it can happen much more easily than you'd think. Just don't be creepy and jump straight to personal questions, let the conversation flow naturally and just enjoy it.

What about the idea of clubs or bars? May or may not be a good idea. I'll share another story of mine: the first girl I ever asked out (and my first rejection) belonged to a sorority, many of whose members I was friends with. They had some clubbing event and one of those friends invited me. I'd never been to a club before, but I figured it'd be a perfect opportunity to get closer to this other girl. So I gathered up some guy friends who were into clubs and things like that, and we went. It was an interesting experience, but the sorority largely stuck to itself and I was a bit too shy to dance. Even if I hadn't been shy, it likely would have just been creepy/annoying, as the girl really had no interest in me. It's not a talking environment, there are too many other people, and if you're unsure of whether you'd be in your element there, then I'd probably mark it off as being an area that would weaken your chances of successfully getting a second date out of her. You can talk in a bar, but what I said about clubs does largely hold true there, as well.

Ultimately, you'd know best. If she's the type of girl who'd get bored or wouldn't be impressed with a simple coffee or lunch date, then you're going to have to factor something else in. But many people really have no trouble talking about themselves and are happy to have someone who will listen to them do so - all you need to do is make them feel comfortable enough with you and show them that you're listening.

[King Lycan]

It happened on 2 weeks ago on friday when i was taking the metro bus and she was sitting right next to me and then this Hot very hot girl sat directly in front of me then she looked at me dead straight in the eyes and i looked at her for like 5 mins{i missed my stop} and when i got of my gf just stop talking to me i even tried to apologize like 10 times i gave her flowers and i promised never to do it again and she still wont get over it

[ChibiMenos]

Originally Posted by King of Lycans

It happened on 2 weeks ago on friday when i was taking the metro bus and she was sitting right next to me and then this Hot very hot girl sat directly in front of me then she looked at me dead straight in the eyes and i looked at her for like 5 mins{i missed my stop} and when i got of my gf just stop talking to me i even tried to apologize like 10 times i gave her flowers and i promised never to do it again and she still wont get over it

I can't say I'm surprised...

Unless your girlfriend is one of those girls who is comfortable enough with herself to not mind you looking at other girls (which is very, very rare), and even if she is, what you did was pretty rude. You ignored her completely, instead paying attention to another girl... I think most people would be upset (imagine if she'd been paying attention to a very hot guy!).

It's good that you've tried to apologize, but it sounds a bit like you're only sorry because she's upset, and not because what you did was stupid. (Or at least that's what she thinks...) And buying her flowers might be going a bit overboard; she probably needs some time to cool down, and not be reminded of the incident. Since you have apologized, I think the best thing you can do now is to not bring it up anymore, and to be very careful of how you act towards other girls when you're around her now that you know paying too much attention to them upsets her. If you can keep from doing anything like that again, show respect to her, and make sure to let her know when she does something you like (ie, all the little things you love about her that are the reason she is your gf instead of some "hot very hot girl"), you should be just fine.

[Archontic]

My entire life has been a Picasso-reject as far as emotions go, and I'm all passioned out. My idea of love is that it shouldn't be furiously passionate, nor should it make you overflow with happiness. I'd much rather see it as a state of serenity and calmness. I don't want my heart to race or my thoughts to run together any more than they already do. I would imagine that 'true love' was a Nirvana that you didn't have to die to reach. (Nirvana is often a misused term; it's not a state of insane joy or anything, but a state of peace, calmness, wholeness, and unity with the universe).

I don't want any of that 'furious passion' bullshit.

And that's why I've been single since I was 16. XD

Regardless, to everyone who is comfortable with passion and is experiencing it, I congratulate you; to those still searching for it, I wish you luck and a great many epiphanies.

[King Lycan]

Originally Posted by ChibiMenos

I can't say I'm surprised...

Unless your girlfriend is one of those girls who is comfortable enough with herself to not mind you looking at other girls (which is very, very rare), and even if she is, what you did was pretty rude. You ignored her completely, instead paying attention to another girl... I think most people would be upset (imagine if she'd been paying attention to a very hot guy!).

It's good that you've tried to apologize, but it sounds a bit like you're only sorry because she's upset, and not because what you did was stupid. (Or at least that's what she thinks...) And buying her flowers might be going a bit overboard; she probably needs some time to cool down, and not be reminded of the incident. Since you have apologized, I think the best thing you can do now is to not bring it up anymore, and to be very careful of how you act towards other girls when you're around her now that you know paying too much attention to them upsets her. If you can keep from doing anything like that again, show respect to her, and make sure to let her know when she does something you like (ie, all the little things you love about her that are the reason she is your gf instead of some "hot very hot girl"), you should be just fine.

Thanks for your rresponse

[Nenkitsune]

My situation is a bit annoying. I would LOVE to date a girl. of course, standing behind the bar making coffee all day isn't exactly the best way to pick up girls, and seeing cute girls come in is TORTUOUS, but I'm too picky. I don't like outgoing extroverts. I like introverts. I think i'm a little odd in that part. Of course, unless i start school back up I doubt i'll meet many people. Anyways, because of my impossible taste in girls i've decided not to look for one till Harumi (my 78 280z) is looking halfway decent and has a turbo under the hood. (so....probably a year or so)

[deathreape98]

liking introverts is perfectly fine, everybody has their own tastes. But yeah, to find one, I would advise starting school back up, and join extracirricular activities you enjoy.


Yesterday, my gf and I made out for the first time....and it feels great o-o

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Nenkitsune

My situation is a bit annoying. I would LOVE to date a girl. of course, standing behind the bar making coffee all day isn't exactly the best way to pick up girls, and seeing cute girls come in is TORTUOUS, but I'm too picky. I don't like outgoing extroverts. I like introverts. I think i'm a little odd in that part. Of course, unless i start school back up I doubt i'll meet many people. Anyways, because of my impossible taste in girls i've decided not to look for one till Harumi (my 78 280z) is looking halfway decent and has a turbo under the hood. (so....probably a year or so)

Your fascination with cars would probably match you better with the stereotypical extroverted girl than the stereotypical introverted one

As was mentioned above, there's nothing wrong with liking introverts over extroverts. I was the same way. My fear was that being mostly introverted myself, dating an extrovert would result in a clash of lifestyles and possibly values. In my experience, my fears were largely true. You want to maximize compatibility where you can.

But if you're too picky, you'll never really get a feel for what you really want. We all have the statistics of our ideal woman in our minds, but thinking it is different than experiencing it. I don't recommend doing this at work, but if you see a girl and feel an attraction to her, then take any chances that come your way to get to know her better. You're not committing to her, and you're getting a feel for who she is. Maybe she won't be as extroverted as you'd first judged her to be, or maybe you'll discover that you enjoy some extroverted activities.

Additionally, how many girls feel the need to put on a show and go to parties all the time because they're afraid that no guy would want them or be able to find them otherwise? I've known a few. Arguably they're not "true" introverts if they can do that, but that sort of lifestyle - the lifestyle that would make you judge them as being extroverts - isn't what makes them happy.

If you've dated dozens of girls, then feel free to ignore my advice - I'm going under the assumption that most of us on this thread have little to no dating experience. I'm happily in a relationship, but the advice I give here is the advice I would give to myself four, maybe even five years ago if I could. Constantly waiting on who you might judge to be miss perfect, always holding out for someone to take the initiative with you... it's not easy, and for introverts it takes a lot of courage (and adrenaline-induced anxiety) but it'd be better to actively shop around. You'll get a better feel for people, you'll gain more experience in approaching people about possible romance, you'll gain more self confidence, and you'll lose some of that frustration derived from not dating because you'll be actively working toward something.

[Nenkitsune]

surprisingly i never really liked dating extroverts, despite my hobbies. i am farily introverted at heart, so that might have something to do with it.

introverts it takes a lot of courage (and adrenaline-induced anxiety)

you have no idea. the like, 2 times i asked a girl out in person, i nearly passed out. nearly meaning my vision was fading fast haha.
i know what you mean with a lot of what you said, but it's a pretty nice reminder ^__^