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Old 2011-10-15, 02:50   Link #2961
MeisterBabylon
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Laura really has no excuse. She's a space marine... without the brains of one. Having her as #1 reflects quite badly on the whole force.

Celeste is #10 because she's not as experienced, and is a poor communicator. Laura's at #1 because at her peak, her combat prowess is extraordinary. However, she does poorly in a team fight. #2, #3 and #4 working together can bring her down. Heck, I think #8, #9 and Celeste can accomplish the same feat before Ichika, and after Ichika she's just so distracted...

Plot bunny! #6, #7 are dissatisfied with #1, and challenges her to a duel. #1 goes alone, but #10 insists she tag along in her own silent way. #6 and #7 soon learn that #1 has changed somewhat to be stronger, but also #10 has improved. After working with Karon and gang, the soldier has begun to reach a potential that with the proper equipment could even rival #1...




@Eras: Sufficient for my own means, he does fall to some Xanatos Gambits before. Really its up to the author to make it believable.
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Old 2011-10-15, 03:00   Link #2962
DarkJak2050
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wavehawk View Post
@Jak: I feel it's a bit...clunky. I can't explain fully, but that's how it feels at the moment. Parts of it feel like a summary more than a story, and I'm having trouble absorbing the way the story goes.

Author: "The winner gets cake!"
You mean that there's too much going on at once, right?

The first chapters are suppose to serve as like an "intro" or "getting to know the characters". But I'll see what I can do for future chapters now that the serious content is about to happen.

But with how things are at my end offline, I don't think I can get started on Ch. 4 anytime soon.
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Old 2011-10-15, 03:12   Link #2963
wavehawk
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkJak2050 View Post
You mean that there's too much going on at once, right?
- No, I mean the pacing is literally just clunky.

Put it this way: I find it hard to keep pace not because it's so fast, but because you tend to write the characters like documents instead of like people--more like you're describing them rather than letting people get to know them over the course of the story. Needs more show, less tell. Like this part:
Quote:
As I stood up, I see Sideswipe, a semi-buffed teenage Spanish American boy 5 meters away from me leaning his back against a Humvee that's been turned over on its side, firing his sidearm at a group of military soldiers on the other side of the Humvee.
I would write it as follows:
Quote:
I stood up and saw Sideswipe--maybe 5 meters away. His back was to another Humvee, and there were angry, guttural growls in mixed spanish and english as he took potshots with his pistol. The soldiers on the other end weren't appreciating it much.
Try to get into the feel of the action instead of plotting it in third person but writing in third person. It's combat! It has to be more visceral and on the fly. Write it like you would experience it in first-person, rather thna as a 3rd-person RTS.
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Old 2011-10-15, 03:20   Link #2964
Eratas123
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Any advice for me wavehawk? I need all the help I can get and I could use your knowledge, I think I do the same mistake that Jak does and I want to improve.
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Old 2011-10-15, 03:23   Link #2965
wavehawk
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The main one would be: Read more books. And I mean proper novels. You'll eventually find a writer whose writing style you like and adapt to your own.
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Old 2011-10-15, 03:26   Link #2966
Eratas123
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Originally Posted by wavehawk View Post
The main one would be: Read more books. And I mean proper novels. You'll eventually find a writer whose writing style you like and adapt to your own.
What problems do my story have now? I'm already reading novels but I need to correct the errors I have so far.
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Old 2011-10-15, 03:56   Link #2967
DarkJak2050
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How's this?

Quote:
I turned my attention towards the 2 remaining JSFD soldiers. Out of anger, I broke out of cover and began rushing towards them, both of my side arms blazing.

"Motherfucke-r-r-r-r-r-r-rs!" I shot one soldier in the head 5 times over as I charged, splattering his head everywhere.

I then went towards the last grenadier and when I got close enough, I jumped on his back, thrashing my weight all over causing him to lose his balance.

He then got a hold of me on my right arm, below my shoulder, and threw me on the ground, landing in front of him.

I recovered by swinging my right leg in a sweeping fashion, used the momentum to get myself into a somewhat of a headstand position, propelled myself up and kicked the grenadier on the chest armor, making him turn his back towards me.

As I got up, I jumped on the grenadier's back, this time he fell on the ground face first, deployed my forearm mounted combat blade on my right arm, and thrust it through the back of the grenadier's neck, killing him instantly.

With the look of a killer on my face, I got off of the grenadier's dead body and took a quick look around me to see whose left. Seeing that no one's left, I retracted my combat blade.
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:09   Link #2968
ZeroXSEED
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Well, I haven' read a lot of English novel, hence why my vocabulary is severely limited.

if you ask me, I want to read Michael Crichton's books, Hard Scifi doesn't even begin to describe it (I've read some of the translated one like Prey, Sphere, and Congo, but all of them is in Indonesian)
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:20   Link #2969
Eratas123
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@Zero - Should I have the teachers join in the "SWC"? This is non-canon anyway so I might as well add some OOC moments just for kicks.
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:25   Link #2970
Masuzu
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Well since we're on this subject, how about mine? The
flaws are there, but I'm not too sure what they are.
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:26   Link #2971
ZeroXSEED
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Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@Zero - Should I have the teachers join in the "SWC"? This is non-canon anyway so I might as well add some OOC moments just for kicks.
Well, there's some hilarious idea thats NOT OOC at all.

> Chifuyu hit the beer quick after seeing Ichika in drag and drown herself in alcohol (brain bleach, natch).
> Yamada being conflicted about cross-dressing Irish (on aside note, she admit it was wrong, but she can't deny that Drag!Irish is VERY cute) also joins Chifuyu.
> Maximillian was DRAGGED by them, although technically he's minor (20 being minimum age for someone to legally drink & smoke in Japan) too shut him up. Maxiillian ended up awaken in a girl (or one of the teacher's) bed and so horrified he quickly took a shower (even though the worst never happens)
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:27   Link #2972
MeisterBabylon
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*would like to ask for an Old Man Review, but is terrified of what he'd hear...*

I know I smoke too much...!
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:29   Link #2973
wavehawk
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@Jak: Still not ideal, but definitely a lot better. You've definitely got the right tack there.

@Meister: It's not like I'm Siskel and Ebert doing a gaylord review of eveyrthing just because I'm annoying...
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:32   Link #2974
ZeroXSEED
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Currently reading War of the Worlds, see if it can rub something in my fic

@Old man, have you received the message? Does those PW works?
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:33   Link #2975
MeisterBabylon
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Alright... But first, I actually need to write something.

As a sidenote, I like my new avatar + title combi.
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:35   Link #2976
Masuzu
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^ Cute girl, what anime?
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:35   Link #2977
wavehawk
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@Meister: Me likeys Happy Chihaya.
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:38   Link #2978
MeisterBabylon
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@Detective: You do not know the likes of Iori Minase and the IdolM@sters?! Go watch it with all your mightz!

(Also relevant in understanding why the stage name of the Shooting Star idol group is spelt [Shooting St@r])

@wave: I actually prefer Iori, but in this case... the Pun could not be stopped.
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:39   Link #2979
Eratas123
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZeroXSEED View Post
Well, there's some hilarious idea thats NOT OOC at all.

> Chifuyu hit the beer quick after seeing Ichika in drag and drown herself in alcohol (brain bleach, natch).
> Yamada being conflicted about cross-dressing Irish (on aside note, she admit it was wrong, but she can't deny that Drag!Irish is VERY cute) also joins Chifuyu.
> Maximillian was DRAGGED by them, although technically he's minor (20 being minimum age for someone to legally drink & smoke in Japan) too shut him up. Maxiillian ended up awaken in a girl (or one of the teacher's) bed and so horrified he quickly took a shower (even though the worst never happens)
Chifuyu and Yamada hitting the bar! They don't want to admit that their "charges" are prettier than they thought so they have to intake brain bleach

Maximillian is taking part in the event so how would he get dragged along....I Know!

Maximillian:*Sitting in the bar still in his yukata* I really don't want to be here.

Drunk dude: Hey babe, you here alone?

Max: Uh, yeah. I should really be going.

DD: *Grabs his hand* What's say you and me have some fun?

Max: Let me go!

DD: Aw~ Don't be such a killjoy. *Drags him out of the bar*

Max: Help!

Is it okay?
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Old 2011-10-15, 05:42   Link #2980
MeisterBabylon
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I'd say put him in bed with Rachel Browning, you know, the one who actually wears the pants in Class 1-2.

I really gotta cut back on the Karakami Momoyo I'm turning Rachel into.
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