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Old 2011-11-15, 05:30   Link #7741
Yachiyo
~`Seito Kaichō`~
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: ~`Afterlife`~
Hello guys, sorry I'm out for a long time, I need help on how to get the next part of this
Spoiler for Everything is Radiant CH 3:


What'cha think? Sorry if it's a little sucky.
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Old 2011-11-15, 05:33   Link #7742
Eratas123
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I just realized how much of a badass that dog is. So far, he's fought: Serial killers, Mad Bombers, Psychopaths, Creatures such as Giant spiders and snakes, zombies, spirits, monsters, and Eustace Bagg. Hell, give him 30 minutes with an I.S and he'd probably find some way to win in the end.
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Old 2011-11-15, 05:34   Link #7743
demino_hellsin
That one guy
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
he does it for LOVE!
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Old 2011-11-15, 05:34   Link #7744
wavehawk
O GALILEO LET ME GO
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
@Yachiyo: It lacks feeling. I think that you;re trying to express urgency, but it comes across a too scant and more like a script that was put together. Maybe try to flesh out the situation and give it either more depth or more punch, whichever way works for you.
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Old 2011-11-15, 05:36   Link #7745
Yachiyo
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: ~`Afterlife`~
Quote:
Originally Posted by wavehawk View Post
@Yachiyo: It lacks feeling. I think that you;re trying to express urgency, but it comes across a too scant and more like a script that was put together. Maybe try to flesh out the situation and give it either more depth or more punch, whichever way works for you.
Alright, thanks for the advice!
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Old 2011-11-15, 05:38   Link #7746
Eratas123
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@ Yachi - Try to put more desperation or emphasis on the narration. Something like "Laura barely dodged the oncoming bullet before she hit the ground with a sickening crack" rather than "Laura dodged the bullet"
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Old 2011-11-15, 05:41   Link #7747
wavehawk
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Quote:
Laura dropped to her knees, barely dodging a shot meant for her head.
would be a bit better.
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Old 2011-11-15, 05:46   Link #7748
Eratas123
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@ Hawke - Just giving an example, nothing in the narration made it seem like she got injured, I just made it up to give an example.

@ demino_hellsin - Not sure how to describe Fillia really. You're better off asking Zero and Blitz, they know more and can give better advice.

EDIT: Who's chapter should I do next after Laura's? It's either Tatenashi or Charlotte.
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:01   Link #7749
wavehawk
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Tatenashi. That way you get practice before you tackle Charu's stpory.
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:05   Link #7750
Eratas123
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@ Hawke - Favoritism much? I'm not going to get any better in writing no matter who I do first, the thing I need is a plot! These two already have stories focusing on them and I don't want to copy any of the previous stories, that's why I skipped doing Charlotte in the first place.
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:11   Link #7751
MeisterBabylon
~ Fists of Fury ~
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Meister - So who's POV is the prologue now? Also, how come all the characters are in Singapore? Shouldn't they be in their home countries?
In a sense, I'm paring it down to just Karon, Riz and Gin, plus some Root, Marvelous, Enchek and Prof. And a lot more mystery. Though with this the Falling Into The Cockpit trope is going to get overused...

And that's because all of the characters are in Singapore. Vandam II is about the Singapore Representative Candidate Exam after all.

And no, all 3 fail the test. Otherwise they wouldn't be in Shooting St@r.
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:12   Link #7752
wavehawk
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Tip Eratas? Listen to some music. You might pick up a few ideas.
Charu: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYAtDdQnAuw

"Tell me, where is the shepardess for this lost lamb...?"
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:19   Link #7753
Eratas123
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@ Meister - So Erika and Celeste are out? That's kinda sad. But why would the st@rs recruit pilots who failed? Wouldn't they pick pilots who passed?

@ Hawke - I am listening to music, take this song for example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpcEVKNqveo

It's the no-lyrics version but I'm hoping it helps me for Charlotte. Tatenashi on the other hand.....I don't think I can find a song that fits her.
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:24   Link #7754
wavehawk
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Lyrics help. sometimes the lyrics will give you ideas for conversations or descriptions. That's why I often tap enlgih songs as well when writing, because the lyrics sometimes trigger ideas for what I need to write--you notice I post a lot of YT links to english songs, right?

I find no-lyrics music or music whose language I don't understand are good for feleing, but for conversations and descriptiveness, sometimes listening to western music is best---and generally music of musicians, not that damn rap crap.
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:28   Link #7755
MeisterBabylon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Meister - So Erika and Celeste are out? That's kinda sad. But why would the st@rs recruit pilots who failed? Wouldn't they pick pilots who passed?
They are in, but they are in their own movies. Erika in Mjolnir and Celeste in The Black Rabbit. Oh and Angelina Stark in Firemoth. These fics cover their origins then lead in to how they join Shooting St@r.

And they all fail because in spite of all their talent they cannot follow orders. If they did, there'd be no fic to write.
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:28   Link #7756
Eratas123
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@ Hawke - How's this then? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKin5...eature=related

Also, can you find a song that fits Tatenashi? I don't think I'll be able to find one that matches her......unique character.

@ Meister - They get their own fics then, sounds reasonable enough

Can't follow orders? Oddly enough, that actually makes sense Their personalities seem more like the "Do or Die" attitudes present in movies.
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:38   Link #7757
wavehawk
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Tatenashi, it would be hard. Since I've onyl read her description from the LN, I would think something sassy and rambunctuous...like Billy Joel's music:

"Only the Good Die Young" - more the boy than the girl being playful, but well...maybe Tatenashi has a dream wherein she's the pure and ideal girl hoping for a fox of a guy to take her away...?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhjNm20XbXw

"Uptown Girl"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCuMWrfXG4E

I still don't think the Charu amnesia thing would work, but how about if she leaves and tries to convince Ichika she doesn't love him--then it's revealed the onyl reason she does it is to protect Ichika from being attacked by her family? Then this song would be pretty appropriate:
"Against All Odds" (One of my favorites)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuvtoyVi7vY
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:46   Link #7758
Eratas123
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@ Hawke - You just gave me a possible plot! Thank you Hawke-sama!

Tatenashi dreaming she's a pure and innocent girl? There's a higher chance of me eating my shoe before that happens.

Uptown girl oddly fits though, seems to describe the possible romance between Ichika and her.

Side note - Last one, do you know any songs that fit someone who's lost everything they have? All I have is My Immortal and listening to more might help me write Shadow.

Thank you for all the help!
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:49   Link #7759
wavehawk
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Hawke - You just gave me a possible plot! Thank you Hawke-sama!
- Two hints: Listen to the song, and check the Wiki about the movie--it's one of my favorite old-school Noir-ish movies of the 80's which reflects the song as well. Your challenge will be trying to describe how Charu feels, that she's treatign Ichika one way but her real feelings are another--and how she feels when Ichika sees through her pretenses...

...someone who's lost everything? I can think of a few, but I'll have to think it through. The song I recommended (Against All Odds) works as well...

"Take a look at me now...there's just an empty space..."
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Old 2011-11-15, 06:55   Link #7760
Masuzu
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Well, if Tatenashi wants a wild fox of a man to sweep her off her feet...
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