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Old 2011-11-16, 02:18   Link #7841
wavehawk
O GALILEO LET ME GO
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Reissue of Chapter 2 of IS Gaiden. Everything redone for the most part, kept and reworked the parts I thought worked. Removed unnecessary characters, focused more on Haruko for this chapter. First section:
Quote:
[---------------]

In her dark white dreams, she remembered.

Alone in the musty room, despite the crowds of people all dressed in black. In front of her a picture, wreathed in black with candles and offerings. The words and stares of the faceless black-garbed people all around rattled in her mind as they looked at her with great and utter contempt.

Your father was the most honourable man in this family.
Your father is the vilest traitor to the family.

Your father was a hero.
Your father is a villain.

You can walk in your father's footsteps.
You must bear your father's sins.

Every individual in the room was quietly solemn, but burning with cold hatred within. All of them, members of the clan garbed in the mourning colours of black. The formal wear made them all look crisp and perfect, yet that perfection and pride was broken with their gaze. The people of the clan all looked at her with disgust-filled eyes.

Every glare she received, a dagger of hatred digging into her heart.

She turned and ran.

As a child, the strides took forever. But eventually she escaped the house, the compound, the place where her father raised her and not left her before now. With none left but the clan to teach her.

She didn't know how long she'd run. Only that by the time she stopped, she could see only purple-red skies above and green blades of grass below. And silence that overwhelmed.

She remembered. This was where she first saw the boy, ages ago. A boy who was but five years of age, like her. Someone who bore her no spite or hatred. The first person other than her father to treat her kindly.

She could see the sight of him in the distance, through the blades of grass, but the old pain interfered. Blades cutting into her right arm, drawing out the symbol of her clan in ink as red as blood.

“It's not fair."

August 2

Eyes open to the darkness of the empty ceiling.

The only reason [Ren] chose the top bunk was so that she wouldn’t have to hear her current partner noisily clamber into bed at night. The analyst was good at research and computer work, but had very little grace in movement after hours. The horrendous amounts of coffee she consumed daily sometimes made [Ren] want to vomit.

Still, it was silent. Haruko occasionally snored, another habit that [Ren] disliked. But there was no noise, not even the sound of breathing other than [Ren]’s own.

Tuning slightly over the side, she looked at the bunk below her.

It was empty, unused for the night.

“Another late night tryst?” [Ren] flatly remarked as she rolled back on her bunk, closing her eyes once again. “You really should ask for overtime pay.”

[---------------]

Kokuto Haruko stood in the dark, marvelling at the oily-black form slowly being autopsied before her.

Her room looked into another from behind a window of plate glass. The sight on the other side was of a bright white room, populated only by technicians in equally white suits and masks. A clean room, set up solely for the analysis of a mechanical corpse. Every individual bit was photographed, marked and set aside for future study.

The Golem. Haruko subconsciously rubbed her chin in thought. She savoured the view in the same way she absorbed the flavour from her cup of espresso, a collection of questions and unsorted data waiting to be taken apart and put together again. The drone machine that attacked the IS Academy Inter-Class Tournament earlier this year.

This was the sort of analyst work she wanted. Technology, mysteries—all solved with a sharp mind and up to date tools. Even long dead and trapped in the white caged room, the black machine looked alien and fearsome. As if it was not really dead, or not really alive. As if it was dead and dreaming for the moment to rise again. Only in analysis and solution could they put such a monster to rest forever.

Even though she was but an observer, Kokuto could see something missing in the dead machine’s pile.

“That can’t be all of it.” Haruko had a querying look as she asked of the man next to her, a co-worker whose name she cared not to know. A tight sip of her coffee, then she posed the question: "Where’s the IS Core?"

"There was none. IS Academy sent this thing back to us in pieces." The man replied, poring through the record on his data tablet. "If this thing had a Core, it’s surely a wreck.”

Yeah, and Shinonono Tabane is the Easter Bunny. Kokuto kept to herself, taking another long draw of her espresso. Nobody had yet created an alternative to the IS, manned or unmanned. And none of the teaching staff at the academy got there by being fools. Either this whole Golem thing is a hoax, or they’re keeping the Core to themselves.

Thoughts Haruko did not voice out. Not like anyone here would tell me the truth, anyway!

“Agent Kokuto?” Another man whom she did not know entered the dark room. “They’re waiting.”

Time to face the music. She yawned clumsily, but with none of the frantic despair she had when around [Ren]. A quick tip of her cup, and she finished her coffee.

[---------------]

“How are you finding work?”

“Sir?” asked Haruko as she was sat central within the small, dull-white room. The three men in the room seemed to regard her with a cold unease as they sat dimly lit behind a panel table. The light was not clear enough for Kokuto to recognize facial features, but she could roughly discern one older man, a bald man, and a woman.

It was not the first time Haruko had been in this room, been with these people. Yet to this day she knew not their names, and she dreaded having to ask.

“Let me rephrase that.” The oldest man steepled his hands together, but kept up a fair semblance of a friendly smile. “Are you experiencing any difficulties working with our field agent?”

“Nothing I haven’t already reported.” Haruko replied, trying not to visibly sigh in embarrassment.

"Agent Kokuto." The balding, bland man with glasses had an air od disdain in his voice. Haruko wondered if he hated night shifts as much as she did. You appreciate the expense we went through to arrange this meeting?"

”Stop exaggerating,” the woman of the trio turned on the balding man sharply, then moved her glare toward Kokuto. ”Our topic of discussion is the field operative.”

“[Ren].” Haruko replied.

"Primarily, it’s about the incident with Dunois Security." The oldest man did not even look at his compatriots, referring to Haruko directly. “We want to hear your thoughts on that.”

“I already sent all the necessary documentation.” Haruko replied.

“That was just a formality.” The bald man with the glasses went through his notes, not looking up at either Kokuto or his co-attendees. “Written documentation is insufficient and there is a need to ask further questions.”

"Why?" Haruko blithely asked.

"To determine if you're worth what you're paid." The bald man replied casually, without much thought. The old man and the woman gave him a warning glare.

“This isn’t an oversight investigation.” The woman crossed her arms, now ignoring the bald man. “Agent Kokuto, what were your objectives on this assignment?”

“I was assigned to assist [Ren] in her day-to-day operations: data analysis, research, administration between her and head office.“ Haruko drew a breath. ”Alongside that, I am to provide a regular status report on her performance.”

“And how is her performance?” The bald man snapped. “Does the field agent have the mental stability needed to do her job properly?”

"I’m not sure I understand, Sir." Haruko began worrying, hoping they did not notice the cold sweat on her palms and neck. The way the panel referred to [Ren] as ‘the field agent’ did not sound promising. "I’m not a psychiatrist, so I can’t say about her mental health."

“And we’re not looking for a psych report.” The old man flippantly replied. "What we want to know is whether or not she can be relied upon in the future.”

You don’t want a professional opinion, do you? Haruko’s lips tightened as the stress began to take over. When she started this assignment, Kokuto had no inkling of what would happen. But as the days went on, she realised this was not truly a job or mission.

It was a witchhunt.
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Old 2011-11-16, 02:18   Link #7842
EthernalRain
Head of FRACTURE R&D
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
@ Eratas: Pack drama, and enough emotion into it but not enough that it makes it cheesy.

Write something that you feel will make an impact, trigger emotions in your readers. I made most of my friends cry when they read chapter 16 of HOTM, and I made myself cry as well.

If it's enough to impact you, then it's enough to impact someone else. It's a heavy moment, so make it heavy.

in my story, what I lack in detail, I try to make up for in characterization and the weight and amount of emotion in human interaction.
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Old 2011-11-16, 02:22   Link #7843
Eratas123
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Join Date: Sep 2011
@ Meister - He'd kill them if they try to do any yandere actions. It's self defensenif they attack first.

Side note - When does Maximillian come into the picture?

@ Rain - Problem is I don't know how to. I'm not good with making scenes like that since I don't know how someone who's just starting to fear death again would feel.

Irish is a person who's sense of life is weak, this means I can write his dialogue to be detached and unfeeling compared to the others. Him gaining back his fear of death is gonna be extremely difficult to write since his dialogue will be markedly different compared to his previous ones.

@ Hawke - I'll read it in a bit.
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Old 2011-11-16, 02:24   Link #7844
wavehawk
O GALILEO LET ME GO
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Hawke - Mind if I use that? I'll need to find some way to resolve it though. Need to have Charlotte giving Ichika a tour of France, going to her hometown, and finally visiting her mothers grave where Ichika kneels before it and ask her for Charlottes hand (Marriage maybe?) or alternatively, declare that he loves Charlotte there.
- Definitely go ahead and use it. You could have that be the first part, and the 'tour' around France is part of them being on the run from Dunois Industries.

One of my personal notes is that French Urban society tends to be pretentious--a lot like the stereotype most people have or Frenchpeople, but countryside French are very warm, down-to-earth people. Maybe try to emphasise the difference--the city-bred people from Dunois Industries, adn the countryside French that Charlotte grew up with...

As for Ichika at Charu's Mom's grave, I'd best be careful that it doesn't come across as silly or tacked-on.
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Old 2011-11-16, 02:30   Link #7845
Eratas123
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Join Date: Sep 2011
@ Hawke - I don't think I have to worry about it being tacked on. IS is a random events plot so any romance would be pretty much accepted by the fanbase.

Side note - I already planned for the differences. Charlotte's village is extremely friendly and kids even run up to her and ask her where she went for example.
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Old 2011-11-16, 02:30   Link #7846
EthernalRain
Head of FRACTURE R&D
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
@ Eratas: Start with a slow transition. Maybe an offhand comment here and there about how he enjoys his life, numerous times through out the story. Then have him slowly change his character slightly, untill he makes the revelation.
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Old 2011-11-16, 02:36   Link #7847
Eratas123
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Join Date: Sep 2011
@ Rain - Thanks! Though I know I shouldn't put too much focus on him, I promised in the first chapter that it's about Ichika and the cast most. I don't know how to make Ichika's segments After the London arc, what should he do? It's gonna look retarded if he only has slice of life segments while the other two have missions.

@ Hawke - So I guess they don't trust <Ren> then? Not that I can blame them, considering how trigger happy she is.
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Old 2011-11-16, 02:59   Link #7848
DarkJak2050
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
I noticed that you guys had some music in mind for your characters and fics. Here's what I had in mind for my guys and fic...
Spoiler for Till I Collapse:
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Old 2011-11-16, 03:05   Link #7849
Eratas123
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
@ Jak - I'm forcing myself to listen to uptown girl over and over so I can think of Tatenashi's chapter. Needless to say, it's stuck in my head

Btw, all I see is a white screen.
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Old 2011-11-16, 03:06   Link #7850
DarkJak2050
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That's odd, I can see it fine from my end... Did you update your flash player?

Anyway here, try this... Till I Collapse.
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Old 2011-11-16, 03:12   Link #7851
Eratas123
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
@ Jak - I'll listen to it when I can, right now my internet is being a snail
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Old 2011-11-16, 03:13   Link #7852
DarkJak2050
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Well ain't that a bitch? I'll be watching Beelzebub...
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Old 2011-11-16, 03:20   Link #7853
wavehawk
O GALILEO LET ME GO
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Hawke - So I guess they don't trust <Ren> then?
- Would YOU?
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Old 2011-11-16, 03:59   Link #7854
Yachiyo
~`Seito Kaichō`~
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: ~`Afterlife`~
I know I've been doing something fishy this time

Spoiler for Everything is Radiant Ch3:


I need an alternate for this, and a recap about Ichika's fight with Sybelle ^^;
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Old 2011-11-16, 04:03   Link #7855
wavehawk
O GALILEO LET ME GO
 
 
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Actually, here's one song that could work for Laura:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugBuiMQazrE

Quote:
Originally Posted by yachiyo
Moments have passed Tifa and Sybelle arrived.
- This doesn't sit right to me. It's just a bit...flat?
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Old 2011-11-16, 04:06   Link #7856
Yachiyo
~`Seito Kaichō`~
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: ~`Afterlife`~
Quote:
Originally Posted by wavehawk View Post
Actually, here's one song that could work for Laura:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugBuiMQazrE

- This doesn't sit right to me. It's just a bit...flat?
I guess, but I can't think of anything, my brain is dead.

PS. I'm suffering from sleep deprivation. I don't know why.
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Old 2011-11-16, 04:13   Link #7857
wavehawk
O GALILEO LET ME GO
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Weahter? Stress? Lack of Water?


Lovesick?
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Old 2011-11-16, 04:16   Link #7858
Yachiyo
~`Seito Kaichō`~
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wavehawk View Post
Weahter? Stress? Lack of Water?


Lovesick?
probably, but most importantly, Personal Issues.
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Old 2011-11-16, 05:32   Link #7859
StratoSpear
Titans Test Team Pilot
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The Elysium
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post

Side note - Wonder why he hasn't reviewed my and Stratos fic yet.
I wonder about that too... Oh well, no matter. I'm still gonna keep on writing.

Also, I don't think Tsurugi getting a Personal IS is gonna work out unless politics suddenly turn dense and oblivious to adding another Representative for Japan.

...then there's also Tabane.

Either way, I already planned for an Original Unit for her. Will post details later.

One more thing, Chapter 9's progressing, halfway
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Old 2011-11-16, 05:37   Link #7860
demino_hellsin
That one guy
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Random question: does anybody here play fighting games?

I currently practice blazblue and still looking for a proper MvC3 line-up.
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