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Old 2011-12-03, 01:17   Link #11021
demino_hellsin
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Join Date: Nov 2011
ISA is gonna have one heck of a time cleaning that up

I'll try to think of something else then...
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:19   Link #11022
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: First question, where's that Daydreams draft?

Also, what do you think about this, the drafted story of Neko-Aria?

Spoiler for The Story of Koneko Illustria Tokiwa:
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:31   Link #11023
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Back to topic oy....



Currently writing Charles & Rin draft for chapter 12, be sure to read it ok!
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:32   Link #11024
Eratas123
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@ Senpai and Rain - Daydreams draft, Please tell me what you think.

Spoiler:


@ Rain - It's interesting, but I can't use it. If you're using it in HOTM then I can't use it i Shadow since readers will comment on it being a carbon copy of yours.
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:36   Link #11025
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Ichika: "Soft |3"
Laura: "I'm.. I'm not a teddy bear!"

LOLZ that's hilarious.
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:39   Link #11026
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: Aw... She's an important part of Kyuukai's character in later chapters.

It doesn't have to be a carbon copy, he could have different motives, and the scenes could be different. But the general idea's the same. He wants to be a father some day, but he can't achieve that dream with his curren't life. So he starts to slowly make the decision. Koneko helps him lean towards moving on instead of staying as a soldier.

You could have Irish mock him as he builds her skeleton, and have Kyuukai argue with him. Kyuukai could goad Irish into helping him somehow, even going to beg him to help out. This shows that Kyuukai's willing to get over some things to get things done with the guy.

Maya visits him, over the course of the 5 days, and Irish could ask her why Kyuukai's obsessing over Koneko. Maya could start explaining the bonds of family and love in her terms, in a way that Irish starts to slightly appreciate it, but still doesn't really understand it. They could bond over that. Also, it puts Kyuukai out of action for 5 days (unless for little segments), and you can focus more effort onto the other two protags.

Also, she could be a reason for the two to "bond" in Shadow.

Also, the draft's great! I laughed quite a few times.
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:45   Link #11027
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Bear hugs XD

Pretty funny how a supersoldier can't escape from Ichika's hugs, is he really that strong?
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:47   Link #11028
Eratas123
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@ Senpai and Rain - Innocent romance is harder to write than borderline lime Writing Tatenashi's took me less than 10 minutes compared to this.

Anyway, don't forget this!'


Spoiler:


@ Rain - I'll see what I can do about it. Why don't I just replace her with Canan? The family bonding can be seen from that and it makes Kyuukai seem less creepy about it since he's kind of acting like Jigsaw at that point.
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:47   Link #11029
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StratoSpear View Post
Pretty funny how a supersoldier can't escape from Ichika's hugs, is he really that strong?
Laura just lack the drive to hurt him, he might be stronger, but a punch or elbowing from a super-soldier is another stuff...
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:49   Link #11030
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@ Stratos - She doesn't want to admit it, but she's enjoying it She could've just kneed him in the balls if she really wanted to get out
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:51   Link #11031
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: Then again, Canan is 16 and she's already thinks Irish is her father.

In HotM, she thinks my male pilot (the plausible one) is her father.

Also, the creepy factor is intentional. He acknowledges the fact it's creepy. But he's relatively unstable (this point in the plot is a top secret spoiler), but in his honest to god heart and mind, he really does love Koneko.

And he didn't program her to love him back. She learned to do so. After all, she was online for those 5 days. When Kyuukai let his heart out to his daughter laying on the table.
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:52   Link #11032
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@ Senpai - Is Canan an LI in HOTM?
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:53   Link #11033
ZeroXSEED
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Resist... urge... to write grimdark... DX
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:56   Link #11034
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@ Senpai - Wait till December 14! Right now, noble bright is taking over! Anyway, is the small part up there about the marshmallow okay
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Old 2011-12-03, 01:56   Link #11035
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: Yes, she is.

And I'm not Zero!

Also, I made edits!
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Old 2011-12-03, 02:00   Link #11036
demino_hellsin
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did I hear Bright? Who needs a slap!?!?
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Old 2011-12-03, 02:01   Link #11037
ZeroXSEED
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Okay then, what color should I use for Rito and pal's unit, damn, all those Major colors already taken by the harem!
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Old 2011-12-03, 02:01   Link #11038
Eratas123
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@ Rain - Once again, I REALLY want to but people would comment too much on the similarities. Hell, you can tell the changes in Shadow from HOTM already such as FRACTURE being weaker and Tabane being more morally gray. If I put it in, you KNOW reviewers are going to get pissy about it. Putting in Canan is already a risk but I'm already trying to change her to fit with Shadow's theme. Don't you have any other ideas?
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Old 2011-12-03, 02:02   Link #11039
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@ Senpai - Green, seriously. White's good too.
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Old 2011-12-03, 02:03   Link #11040
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green is yamada. Go brown/tan
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