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Old 2011-09-10, 07:10   Link #1161
Masuzu
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Hoo~ reminds me of Bane.

I'd say you're out of stu territory.
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Old 2011-09-10, 07:29   Link #1162
ZeroXSEED
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Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
Alright then here goes. please give your comments and criticisms

Spoiler:
.....If my premonition as a troper is right, this OC is an Anti-Villain. You really want to put him in your current fic? What a mood whiplash! Sorta fit the title though...Well, I see the character is sorta counterpart of Laura.

From the profile, the character has potential, if not outright good. But in the end, it's up to how you put him in the story, if you think he's out of context (meaning a Child Soldier that DOESN'T act like a child soldier, then fix it).
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Old 2011-09-10, 08:14   Link #1163
Eratas123
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Thanks for the advice.

I'm planning to have him and his teammates appear as the antagonists at chapter 3 before being beaten by Ichika and/or Kyuukai (they'll attack during the conference).

They'll be captured later on in the story and he'll be forced to work for the people who captured him or his teammates will possibly get killed, I'm planning to have him partner up with Tatenashi (her families organization fights behind the scenes, She's one of the strongest IS pilots, her abilities complement his because he's a long range sniper and tracker while Tatenashi's more of a frontline powerhouse and, of course, she's the type of girl that will piss him off and trigger his phobia the most considering how she acts) this is also when he'll shift from anti-villain to a more sympathetic anti-hero.

BTW here is about 45% of chapter 2, please read if you can and say if it needs any work, oh! and a cookie to anyone who can guess what Cecilia and Ichika are doing at the end

Spoiler:

Last edited by Eratas123; 2011-09-10 at 09:18. Reason: made a misstype
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Old 2011-09-10, 08:16   Link #1164
Masuzu
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Spoiler tags help.
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Old 2011-09-10, 08:39   Link #1165
ZeroXSEED
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
Thanks for the advice.

I'm planning to have him and his teammates appear as the antagonists at chapter 3 before being beaten by Ichika and/or Kyuukai (they'll attack during the conference).

They'll be captured later on in the story and he'll be forced to work for the people who captured him or his teammates will possibly get killed, I'm planning to have him partner up with Tatenashi (her families organization fights behind the scenes, She's one of the strongest IS pilots, her abilities complement his because he's a long range sniper and tracker while Tatenashi's more of a frontline powerhouse and, of course, she's the type of girl that will piss him off and trigger his phobia the most considering how she acts) this is also when he'll shift from anti-villain to a more sympathetic anti-hero.

BTW here is about 45% of chapter 2, please read if you can and say if it needs any work, oh! and a cookie to anyone who can guess what Cecilia and Ichika are doing at the end

Spoiler:
PRESS ENTER TO ADD SPACE, MAN! It's a frakking walk of text.
Use a distinct border to separate author commentaries/ explanation and story.

Outside that, DAMN IT IT"S FUNNY!! THE LAST PART IS VERY FREUDIAN!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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Old 2011-09-10, 09:05   Link #1166
Eratas123
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Sorry about that, it is spaced in my save file but I forgot to do it when I copy pasted, I'll edit it and add some spaces right after this message
Do you think its okay, is there anything that needs changing?
Do you think making "Irish" and Tatenashi partner up is a bad idea? pairing an OC with a Canon sue will be hard but they're the ones who are the most opposites and the best way to put comedy in a serious situation is making two complete opposites cooperate with each other.
BTW did you figure out what they were doing at the end?

EDIT: Finished adding spaces, should be easier for you to read now.

Last edited by Eratas123; 2011-09-10 at 09:20.
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Old 2011-09-10, 09:26   Link #1167
MeisterBabylon
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Another he.

Looks like you guys really want me to reveal my badass normal companion to a brooding IS pilot.

Yes, for my revival project, I am writing Infinite Stratos with a grimdark feel.

After all, its the only **** thing to do.
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Old 2011-09-10, 09:26   Link #1168
Masuzu
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Are they making candles?

Bad guess, I know.
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Old 2011-09-10, 09:42   Link #1169
Eratas123
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@ Detective-san Tip: It's part of the IS training.
@MeisteirBabylon- Good luck with your Infinite Stratos grimdark fic, looking forward to it, please try to avoid Marty stu characters

I'm trying to make my character a bit of a 'deconstruction' of the badass normal since the equipment he wears decays his health to the point that he needs drugs to fight and the fact that he's near useless without the suit or equipment.
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Old 2011-09-10, 10:22   Link #1170
ZeroXSEED
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
Sorry about that, it is spaced in my save file but I forgot to do it when I copy pasted, I'll edit it and add some spaces right after this message
Do you think its okay, is there anything that needs changing?
Do you think making "Irish" and Tatenashi partner up is a bad idea? pairing an OC with a Canon sue will be hard but they're the ones who are the most opposites and the best way to put comedy in a serious situation is making two complete opposites cooperate with each other.
BTW did you figure out what they were doing at the end?

EDIT: Finished adding spaces, should be easier for you to read now.
Not exactly hard, it's EXTREMELY hard, that Tatenashi is fandom's favorite darkhorse (which by I mean, a girl not included in Ichika's harem yet very, very popular). But if you done Irish right according to his profile, he might be good as Tatenashi's boyfriend/boytoy combo (for comedy reason), even moreso than Ichika does.

By the way, are you're friends with Ethernal Rain? Because I'm damn sure you mentioned Kyuukai (HotM).

Meister, good to see you again, I want to see that GRIMDARK fic of yours.
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Old 2011-09-10, 10:39   Link #1171
Eratas123
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Sorta, I asked him if I could use his OC's for my fanfic and he agreed as long as I give him credit for them and portray them correctly.
I also told him the plot summary of my entire fic and he asked if he could help me by beta reading my story, I accepted
Oh, I plan to have Tatenashi both piss him off and try to help him get over his trauma's over the course of the story.
Should I post the plot summary here in a post?
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Old 2011-09-10, 10:44   Link #1172
ZeroXSEED
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Tatenashi and Kukai? PASS THE POPCORN!!!!

Or better, make the girls started to match them because 'both of them are so perfect, they'll make a good couple' and make Laura and Irish pissed off.

Having Tatenashi is good, ebcause she's serious when the time comes. Tatenashi will have multiple roles depending on her current mood

> Girlfriend/ Mistress: when she's being a tease and hyperactive.
> Sister/ mother: when she's being serious and calm.
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Old 2011-09-10, 11:57   Link #1173
Eratas123
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plot summary for the story so far

Spoiler:


Two possible drafts for later

Draft 1

Spoiler:


Draft 2

Spoiler:
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Old 2011-09-10, 12:35   Link #1174
blitz1/2
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gynophobia huh? It's Jirou in Infinite stratos. xD
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Old 2011-09-10, 12:39   Link #1175
Eratas123
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Tatenashi does remind me of Kanade >_<
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Old 2011-09-10, 16:08   Link #1176
DarkJak2050
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
Thanks for the advice.

I'm planning to have him and his teammates appear as the antagonists at chapter 3 before being beaten by Ichika and/or Kyuukai (they'll attack during the conference).

They'll be captured later on in the story and he'll be forced to work for the people who captured him or his teammates will possibly get killed, I'm planning to have him partner up with Tatenashi (her families organization fights behind the scenes, She's one of the strongest IS pilots, her abilities complement his because he's a long range sniper and tracker while Tatenashi's more of a frontline powerhouse and, of course, she's the type of girl that will piss him off and trigger his phobia the most considering how she acts) this is also when he'll shift from anti-villain to a more sympathetic anti-hero.

BTW here is about 45% of chapter 2, please read if you can and say if it needs any work, oh! and a cookie to anyone who can guess what Cecilia and Ichika are doing at the end

Spoiler:
Here's my guess for what Ichika and Cecilia were doing at the end, Partial Deployment.
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Old 2011-09-10, 16:21   Link #1177
Eratas123
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You're right Jak, How did you figure that out?
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Old 2011-09-10, 16:39   Link #1178
DarkJak2050
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When they mentioned Rin, I thought of what made her different from the others girls at my end. And the only thing that I consider that makes her "stand out" from the other girls (in terms of IS use), is that she can do a Partial Deployment *snaps* just like that.
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Old 2011-09-10, 16:49   Link #1179
Eratas123
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Very clever. When will you post your fanfic? I'm dying to read it.
Now excuse me while I go get a cookie.
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Old 2011-09-10, 18:02   Link #1180
ZeroXSEED
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
You're right Jak, How did you figure that out?
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkJak2050 View Post
When they mentioned Rin, I thought of what made her different from the others girls at my end. And the only thing that I consider that makes her "stand out" from the other girls (in terms of IS use), is that she can do a Partial Deployment *snaps* just like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
Very clever. When will you post your fanfic? I'm dying to read it.
Now excuse me while I go get a cookie.
When it comes to details and Checkov's clues, Jak is scary!
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