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Old 2011-04-18, 19:00   Link #1
Tenken's Smile
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What would you do if someone harasses you?

I have an online friend (aged 14) who is harassed by a girl named "B." who is suspected of recently hacking her Facebook, website and emails, this girl is also responsible for very abusive behaviour towards her. My friend and B. used to be very good friends, they used to talk for hours on end on the internet or via phone but things turned bad, they argued. They would be friends again but my friend got sick of the arguing and the bullying so she told her she had enough, now B. just won't leave her alone, and she sent numerous harassing messages on FB, my friend's blog, etc. and badmouths my friend to whoever she can. She even got her innocent friends involved.

My friend tries her best to ignore them but sometimes it's hard when she sent messages such as "I know where you live. And I have your mobile number. My friends know about you [...] I'm not going to stop until I've made your life hell."

My friend has got her advisor involved. The advisor had already thought regarding brining it to the schools, the problem with that is they go to different schools in different parts of the country.
What would you do if you were in my friend's situation?
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Old 2011-04-18, 19:03   Link #2
Hera
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Wow!!!

Tell your friend:

Keep a record of all behavior, phone calls, etc and contact police

Do not threaten or humilate her because it may make her angrier.

Do not argue or negotiate terms with her to get her to leave you alone.

Don't show emotion!!!

Don't return phone calls, letters, or gifts because it lets her know that she can get your attention!
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Old 2011-04-18, 19:06   Link #3
scraggy
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Talking to adults is definitely a good thing, i would also make sure she changes her passwords everywhere so B can't find her, and possibly even her cell number. If it gets any worse you can contact authorities, and contacting the school is definitely a good step.
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Old 2011-04-18, 19:35   Link #4
delirium
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tenken's Smile View Post
I have an online friend (aged 14) who is harassed by a girl named "B." who is suspected of recently hacking her Facebook, website and emails, this girl is also responsible for very abusive behaviour towards her. My friend and B. used to be very good friends, they used to talk for hours on end on the internet or via phone but things turned bad, they argued. They would be friends again but my friend got sick of the arguing and the bullying so she told her she had enough, now B. just won't leave her alone, and she sent numerous harassing messages on FB, my friend's blog, etc. and badmouths my friend to whoever she can. She even got her innocent friends involved.

My friend tries her best to ignore them but sometimes it's hard when she sent messages such as "I know where you live. And I have your mobile number. My friends know about you [...] I'm not going to stop until I've made your life hell."

My friend has got her advisor involved. The advisor had already thought regarding brining it to the schools, the problem with that is they go to different schools in different parts of the country.
What would you do if you were in my friend's situation?
I would tell your friend that B. seems to be very torn up over their falling out. That they're acting out to get their attention, be it negative or positive. The former is better than nothing at all to B. My advice? Reconcile with B, work out the problems. The fact that they're not in the immediate vicinity of one another is proof enough that there is no need to call the police or bringing it to the attention of the schools.

I imagine B. is hurting right now too. B's obnoxious behavior has spooked away one of their good friends, as you said they spoke for several hours on end at a time. It is a big change from having someone like that to talk to not having someone like that to talk to. I'm sure everyone knows what I mean, as most of us have lost good friends in one way or another.

What I am suggesting isn't the most pleasing or easy route. By all means, calling the police and so on would be easier, but is that necessary at this point in time? Let cooler heads prevail and attempt to reconcile.
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Old 2011-04-18, 19:51   Link #5
Tenken's Smile
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@Delirium: As I said, B. has been harassing my friend for a long time. THAT's the reason they ended their friendship in the first place. From what I've seen, B. has been involving her friends to make sure my friend is feeling horrible, so reconciliation is not a solution...
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Old 2011-04-18, 20:09   Link #6
delirium
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Originally Posted by Tenken's Smile View Post
@Delirium: As I said, B. has been harassing my friend for a long time. THAT's the reason they ended their friendship in the first place. From what I've seen, B. has been involving her friends to make sure my friend is feeling horrible, so reconciliation is not a solution...
You said your friend ended their friendship with B because they argued and because B's behavior was abusive towards her. I assure you that B is feeling angry, lonely, and sad that this friend they used to spend hours talking to is no longer present in the same capacity they were before. Reconciliation is always an option. You cannot just call the police, or notify "grown-ups", and expect the problem to be solved. It will still be there! The only thing you can do about bullying is discuss it with both parties and a mediator. If the problem cannot be discussed and worked out, someone is either unwilling to listen due to the nature of the ego we humans have. And I don't mean something along the lines of telling B. to knock the shit off, harass them back, and ignoring them. Talk it out.

You're bringing us half an argument, Tenken's Smile. What do you hope to achieve with this being discussed here? The argument is biased already considering we do not have B's side of the story. I'm not going to post some mediocre response along the lines of, 'Wow, that's horrible! You should call the police. That will make the problem go away!". The best suggestion anyone can give you is to support your friend and let your friend make up their own mind with what to do. If you want to genuinely help your friend, it may be in your best interest to suggest that they reconcile their differences. It seems that either way you look at it, reconciling is in their future. You should help move that process along to a point and leave them to it. I understand how difficult socializing is at times, the drama, and whether or not a course of action is right or wrong.

It is infinitely more complex than any of us care to admit, and one thing I do know is that ignoring the problem or getting someone else to take care of it for you never helps. The only position a third party should be taking in such a situation is that of a mediator. I would like to help more, but there are so few approaches to this discussion from what you've presented us with. I've given you the most unbiased suggestion that I am capable of with the information you've presented us. More information from you probably wouldn't help either, since you are still speaking on the matter from the side of your friend. You know what I mean?

To help you to the best of my ability would require that your friend and B register on this forum and post their grievances themselves. I doubt that will happen.
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Old 2011-04-18, 20:14   Link #7
Irenicus
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Contact the authorities.

That's the only responsible advice anyone who doesn't know the parties involved can give. Perhaps if we know both parties we might know the possibility, the way, or indeed the wisdom of reconciliation, but since we don't our priority concern will be the safety of your friend, not a happy ending to the both of them.

I suppose I'm going against delirium here, but I fear I can't argue for reconciliation if I don't know what type of person this B person is. If she is just a hurt girl who takes it too far like some shoujo manga bullying, sure it might be good to reconcile, but we have to assume considering such suspicions as hacking online accounts and private data that she either has some sort of problems or is far too willing to take it too far. Neither outright harassment as it is now or an abusive relationship is healthy for a person. Even if I assume that Girl B is around the same age as your friend, that doesn't mean harassment and invasion of privacy is acceptable, hurt feelings or not.

Ergo, the authorities. They aren't as experienced as they could be about online bullying and harassment, but they're much more experienced than the rest of us and they have tools and, well, authority to achieve what you and her can't. Like a restraining order, if it comes to that.
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Old 2011-04-18, 20:18   Link #8
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I'm honestly not familiar with cyberbullying too much, as I made it a habit to stay of of social media sites such as facebook due to my experiences in middle school. I've found that violence can easily solve these kinds of problems when the bullying is person, but I would agree with the others and say that the best thing you could do would have the authorities intervene.
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Old 2011-04-18, 20:19   Link #9
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I'm going to back up the advice of getting the authorities involved, based on what you've said in your posts. Hurt feelings and wanting to get some kind of attention from your friend, positive or negative, doesn't justify what she's been doing. So get someone involved who knows how to handle that kind of thing. At least if you call the authorities, you have a better chance of resolving the issue than you would if you just left it between your friend and B.
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Old 2011-04-18, 20:27   Link #10
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My own take on this is besides being harassing, this borders on stalking! And while I'm not sure where you are country/city wise I agree with what some of the others said. Make copies of all the harassing comments, do change the telephone number (cell and landline) and put said person on the ignore list!
Also if said person says anymore about knowing where you live, that's a threat and the police need to be involved!
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Old 2011-04-18, 20:27   Link #11
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I'm honestly not familiar with cyberbullying too much.
There was a Missouri case, where an adult posed as a teen. Then the person bullied a teen child to the point of suicide.

Quote:
Keep a record of all behavior, phone calls, etc and contact police

Do not threaten or humilate her because it may make her angrier.

Do not argue or negotiate terms with her to get her to leave you alone.

Don't show emotion!!!

Don't return phone calls, letters, or gifts because it lets her know that she can get your attention!
This bears repeating. Follow this advice.
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Old 2011-04-18, 20:50   Link #12
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Where are *their* parents? I find one of the most effective terminations of harassment is a very bright spotlight. Snail-mail registered mail to her parents of examples - preferably with a legal letter from an attorney explaining that further legal action may ensue should the harassment not cease immediately.
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Old 2011-04-18, 21:04   Link #13
delirium
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Where are *their* parents? I find one of the most effective terminations of harassment is a very bright spotlight. Snail-mail registered mail to her parents of examples - preferably with a legal letter from an attorney explaining that further legal action may ensue should the harassment not cease immediately.
Holy fucking shit, do we not care for our fellow humans or something? I hate these sorts of discussion! I would rather have a million, "What are you thinking" threads than one of these. All that has been said would only lead to more negative feelings between Tenken Smile's friend and B. They are no different from ignoring the matter entirely. Why can't we work our problems out with one another? A third party is great, but Vexx's "solution" is worse than calling the police. Threatening people to get them to do what you want, no matter the situation, is wrong. I seriously shudder to think how you folks apply such decisions to your own lives. Fuck.
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Old 2011-04-18, 21:04   Link #14
Hera
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Holy fucking shit, do we not care for our fellow humans or something?
You seem to care more about the harasser than the victim.

Reconciliation is not an option!!! This girl B. has a bad personality and goes as far as threatening. Her "story" is irrelevant because harassment is wrong no matter the reason. She's someone who holds a grudge, that's all.
Say, if you try to reconcile, she may pretend to do so only to further harass your friend.

PS: Harassment is illegal in a lot of countries. It's in the law.
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Old 2011-04-18, 21:10   Link #15
delirium
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Reconciliation is not an option!!! I can tell this girl B. has a bad personality. Her "story" is irrelevant because harassment is wrong no matter the reason.
Say, if you try to reconcile, she may pretend to do so only to further harass your friend.
You don't even know B. How can you say such things about a stranger?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hera View Post
Do you care about the victim?

Reconciliation is not an option!!! This girl B. has a bad personality and goes as far as threatening. Her "story" is irrelevant because harassment is wrong no matter the reason. She's someone who holds a grudge, that's all.
Say, if you try to reconcile, she may pretend to do so only to further harass your friend.
I have had stones whipped at me by my peers, repeatedly, and as such I have the scars from those encounters littered all over my arms and the back of my head. I feel for anybody that is suffering, but the situation is not as simple as you believe it to be. This is matter of two people quarreling. B is getting a bad rap here and we don't know their side of the story. The right answer isn't always the easiest one to make, Hera. Calling the police is easy. Ignoring someone is easy. Swallowing your pride and reconciling with one another is not so easy, is it?

No, it isn't. It is far more easy to mindlessly hate someone or act against them for a sense of revenge for trespasses against you.

Last edited by delirium; 2011-04-18 at 21:21.
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Old 2011-04-18, 21:13   Link #16
Hera
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You don't even know B. How can you say such things about a stranger?
Wow, do you know her? Again, you seem to be defending B.
This says enough about her personality:

Quote:
she sent messages such as "I know where you live. And I have your mobile number. My friends know about you [...] I'm not going to stop until I've made your life hell."

My friend has got her advisor involved. The advisor had already thought regarding bringing it to the schools, the problem with that is they go to different schools in different parts of the country.
After you read this, I don't believe you don't have an opinion about this girl B.

Again, since this is a continuing problem, contact the authorities. Get parents involved, too! No one deserves to be harassed, abused or threatened.
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Old 2011-04-18, 21:29   Link #17
delirium
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Wow, do you know her? Again, you seem to be defending B.
I find it interesting that you feel that I am taking anybody's side. The situation isn't as simple as Tenken Smile's friend or B is wrong. Do you get that? Try looking at it from a different perspective, take neither person's side, and try to gauge the feelings of both parties. I understand that this is difficult considering the fact that we do not have the two parties present.

Discussing this and coming to a proper conclusion isn't possible. This discussion is a minefield. How can you come to a decision when we don't have all the information?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hera View Post
After you read this, I don't believe you don't have an opinion about this girl B.

Again, since this is a continuing problem, contact the authorities. Get parents involved, too! No one deserves to be harassed, abused or threatened.
It sounds more like B is hurting from their falling out with Tenken Smile's friend. It doesn't seem like the threats of a mentally deranged or dangerous person.
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Old 2011-04-18, 21:35   Link #18
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Originally Posted by delirium View Post
Holy fucking shit, do we not care for our fellow humans or something? I hate these sorts of discussion! I would rather have a million, "What are you thinking" threads than one of these. All that has been said would only lead to more negative feelings between Tenken Smile's friend and B. They are no different from ignoring the matter entirely. Why can't we work our problems out with one another? A third party is great, but Vexx's "solution" is worse than calling the police. Threatening people to get them to do what you want, no matter the situation, is wrong. I seriously shudder to think how you folks apply such decisions to your own lives. Fuck.
How the heck do you even know that the harasser is not going to take advantage of niceness? Besides, it IS better than going to the police because going to the police is going to raise a big hoo-hah in the neighbourhood.

I do know back in Secondary School, a friend's boyfriend settled it by escorting her home everyday - with a tennis racket. It's a pity it was never bloodied. *sarcastic*

Obviously the idiot isn't thinking before making threats. The friend isn't as close anymore and it won't be counted even as BDSM play - it is an emotional attack. Also, we aren't European politicians - the longer this drags on, the more likely violence is going to happen. How about doing something first and talking later?
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Old 2011-04-18, 21:40   Link #19
Tenken's Smile
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It's NOT a "matter of two people quarreling" like "delirium" said.
After all this time, my friend doesn't fight back (though it hurts her a lot); she tries to ignore the harassments, but girl B. just doesn't know where to stop. I saw her friends' hate speech, too.
Both parties are in the UK, where harassment is absolutely illegal.

Thank you everyone. This will go to the authorities. Police, parents, or both.

"We're going to get you"
That's a threat. So this is definitely a chargeable offence.
Especially "I'm not going to stop until I've made your life hell."
That's evidence.
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Old 2011-04-18, 21:42   Link #20
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1. Change passwords
2. Use Block
3. Block her email.
4. Anything else, use block?

Problem solved.

Real life? Well, I suggest telling someone who can do something about it or get them two to grow up and 1. Make friends or 2. Ignore each other.
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