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Old 2013-08-12, 00:11   Link #1
Shmoof
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Age: 26
Monster (novel)

Hello everyone,

For the longest time I have wanted to write a story that has been floating around in my head. I grew up on anime, stories, and games in the fantasy genre which have greatly contributed to most inspiration and are the driving force behind my work. After many years or writing I have finished my book which I have titled Monster. It totals 35 chapters and 470 pages in the native Word document I wrote it in.

Being that I have been a member of the Anime Suki community for about as long as I have been working on it I feel the members of this site would find it enjoyable and at the least offer some thoughts and critique, being that many of us share the same tastes. I would like to share the first two chapters and appreciate any feedback or questions anyone might have. I do not plan to make any other chapters freely available at this time.

I hope you find the opening of my book enjoyable and please leave any feedback you might have! Please forgive the formatting or lack of therefor during the transfer of the text.

Spoiler for Cover:


Spoiler for Opening:


Spoiler for Chapter 1:


Spoiler for Chapter 2:

Last edited by Shmoof; 2013-12-28 at 22:57.
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Old 2013-08-12, 12:38   Link #2
RobotCat
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Somewhere on the west coast
That was a pretty interesting read. Some of the sentences feel like they could be made to flow a bit better, but if you're looking to get this published an editor will probably go over those things.

One major thing that kind of felt a bit off to me was the introduction of Thule via an omnipotent third person narrator. It seems like there really wasn't a reason to reveal the name of the Mountain Ranges, especially since it's unlikely that the villagers themselves would give such a name. You also never use the name again for the first 2 chapters so it seems almost a bit unnecessary. The Lake of Tears also feels a bit too heavy. Even though it's important, it seems like if you're going to throw the name out there, the audience would be hanging on why it's named as such. I feel like having the character (Saerin especially) mentioning something about the lake would be better than outright giving it's name.

I think having a description of the mountain ranges and the lake itself would be better than giving them names with the way you set up the story.
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Old 2013-08-12, 14:03   Link #3
Shmoof
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Age: 26
RoboCat,

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to this. I do currently have the entire story available via self online publishing, being that I am a no name author and figured that would be the only feasible way of getting this out. I am relying mainly on the few people who have been given or purchased it already to help with any final tuning.

I like your suggestion for the descriptions of the mountain range and the lake. The mountains are explained a bit more later on, though cryptically. One of the things I want readers to do is think of why I have named or described something the way I did and draw their own theories. I will strongly consider adding more to the lake.
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Old 2013-09-05, 23:23   Link #4
Kerspunkle
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Your imagination
I enjoyed those first two chapters. Thanks for sharing them with us. The story seemed to have a mysterious atmosphere, which I liked. People tend to be afraid to pick up longer stories, so I think you could shorten less important parts. For example, the scene where they take Ren to be treated could be shortened. I don't know if this makes any sense, but in that scene it should focus more on the mood than on the actions of the characters.
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Old 2013-09-09, 14:03   Link #5
Shmoof
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Age: 26
Thanks for taking the time to read what I've posted. The mysterious atmosphere is definitely something I am aiming for throughout the entire story. Actually, one of the people who has already finished reading it entirely mentioned something very similar to me.

I am currently in the process of doing more editing and revising (I can't believe how many grammatical issues I've found so far!), so I will keep your suggestion about the mood under careful consideration. I like to think of the first few chapters as the introduction to hook readers in, so I'm glad you liked it.
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Old 2013-12-28, 23:04   Link #6
Shmoof
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Age: 26
Updated the original two chapters (mostly grammatical) and am adding a few more for those interested. It's doing very well and everyone who has read it in its entirety really seemed to enjoy it. Pardon the multiple posts, but there is a character limit so I have to make multiple posts.

Spoiler for Chapter 3:
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Old 2013-12-28, 23:06   Link #7
Shmoof
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Age: 26
Spoiler for Chapter 4:
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Old 2013-12-28, 23:08   Link #8
Shmoof
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Age: 26
Spoiler for Chapter 5:
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