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Old 2013-03-10, 04:55   Link #781
sasahar17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wavehawk View Post
Partial first draft. This was the easy part. The bulk of the story is what's been driving me close to suicide.
Quote:
wavehawk's fic
Erm, there really isn't much for me to comment on since I have no context on what's happening. All I can tell is that an Aussie chick has just arrived in England with orders she doesn't understand, then the helicopter that dropped her off leaves, and then a TSF that looks like it just returned from a particularly nasty brush with death shows up. I'd like a little more to go on before I form an opinion.

I can say that what you have so far sets the atmosphere nicely, but without more to go one I have no clue what's going on. Good start though.

EDIT: Decided to add something else in. Here's the next writeup on the next VTF I've been brainstorming about.

Spoiler for ML:DYRL, EF-2002 Dragoon:

I should go away and compile these somewhere...

Last edited by sasahar17; 2013-03-10 at 05:32. Reason: Added worldbuilding snippet
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Old 2013-03-10, 05:50   Link #782
wavehawk
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Originally Posted by sasahar17 View Post
Erm, there really isn't much for me to comment on since I have no context on what's happening. All I can tell is that an Aussie chick has just arrived in England
- that's what bugs me. I only threw in one obviously Australian reference in there, and yet it gets so damned obvious where she's from...But the other point is she LEFT England, not arrived.

In other words, what I'm trying to keep vague is obvious, but what I'm trying to make obvious (There are no barren plains, and The English Isles were not BETA-infested)---isn't.
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Old 2013-03-10, 10:27   Link #783
Dragonkid11
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Sometimes,I think it's just better to leave the main point simpler....
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Old 2013-03-10, 19:16   Link #784
wavehawk
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Originally Posted by Dragonkid11 View Post
Sometimes,I think it's just better to leave the main point simpler....
Quote:
Woman dropped in desert plain.
Helicopter files away.
TSF flies in.
...seriously, would you read that?

This is a story. Too lengthy and you bore the hell out of who's reading it. Too terse, the reader won't even bother reading it.
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Old 2013-03-11, 01:32   Link #785
wavehawk
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There was a sizzle as her boot touched solid ground.

Air crackled in the heat, muffling the sounds of rotor blades slowing above her head. She stepped away from the helicopter's cooling shade, sun's rays clawing at her cheeks. The breeze from the propeller's wash was the only feeling of cool she felt as she viewed the near-barren expanse.

So far, but so close.

She turned to give the pilot a pert salute, which the man returned in kind. Before the flight in, she was cursing fog and cold. At first happy to move someplace warm, it seemed like that same cold dreariness promised lost comfort. The flight was not that far from Dover base, over the ocean and into the European mainland. Yet it felt like she landed on an alien planet. Only a few short years before, this was all enemy territory. Nothing human could set foot here without being devoured and crushed by its alien occupants.

Alien, in the true sense.

The outback of her home was nothing like this. These barren lands had no life, no plants or animals. Not even bugs. Everything that lived or could have lived was eaten. Chewed up and spat out dead. The flat plain seemed to suggest death did not exist, because there was never life to begin with.

But death existed. She'd seen enough of it to know without proof.

All of this was hard-won land, but its sheer emptiness mocked whatever value was in taking it.

Another breeze picked up, but it was just the helicopter lifting off again. A fleeting wind, a last goodbye before the heat of this place consumed her.

Despite herself, she watched wistfully as the aircraft disappeared from her sight.

What now? She'd been ordered to report here, no questions asked. The time, date and location were specific. The other instructions were not. The manmade concrete tarmac stretching a mile each end at her feet was the only hint of existence she could see. No other buildings or structures could be seen, unless the heat haze obscured them in the distance.

The helicopter had not been gone long when the roar of engines approached.

A turn on her heel as she spun to look. The engine noise was familiar; someone was in for a very bad landing. Blood in her veins began to race as she expected the worst.

Incoming.

A vaguely humanoid form was slowly growing large in her field of view. Clumsily trying to stay in the air as it approached her location. As if unsure whether to fly or to fall.

Fast.

A step back, then she ran well clear of the runway as the figure began to close even faster. An armoured giant in the vague shape of a man. Sharply-hewn shoulders, a masked head that evoked the lines of a bird of prey. Kept aloft by the roar of the giant engines at its sides. A cloud-grey knight spattered with the colour of brushed blood.

A TSF -- Tactical Surface Fighter.

The roar grew louder, as if echoing the machine's growling approach. Then a rumbling, the concrete tarmac shaking as the latter end of the strip. Like an observer, she watched the floor open up just ahead of the TSF's wobbly landing.

Out of the maw sprang a small horde. Men and women poured onto the runway in small vehicles and on foot, all wearing the bright red-and-yellow jerseys and helmets of ground crew. A fire engine siren sounded, and small flat-topped trucks with men in protective gear rolled forward.

Or are they women? Behind the bulky fireproof suits, one could never tell. She stepped even further back, restraining the urge to help. As a stranger to this place, her interference would only exacerbate any damage done. None of the ground crew took notice of her. All were tensely watching the TSF as it slowly fell out of the sky.

The outline of an F-15E Strike Eagle - one of the most common TSF in service worldwide, cut through the blue of the sky. Hip-mounted engine pods pivoted forward and roared to slow the machine even further.

Speed decreased to become a controlled drop, metalshod arms outstretched like a child falling forward. It was an awkward position, as the TSF cockpit hatch faced front. A facedown crash could leave the pilot hopelessly trapped under the machine's dead weight.

Hot engine thrust boiled loose soil and sand. The sandstorm threw her into darkness, dulled her vision of the landing. She shut her eyes with a grimace and ate dirt as her reward.

And just as quickly the dust storm subsided.

The TSF knelt with hands on the ground, as if praying to a mechanical god. Its great engines slowed to a gentle whine, then to an idle hum as it shut down.

Amazement. She spat out the dirt in her mouth and walked closer to both the tarmac and the giant machine. The F-15E set down in an odd position, but it was no crash. The ground crew were already hosing down the machine's engines, just to be certain. A flatbed truck sidled close to the TSF along with a crane. Emergency units, to drag the machine back under protective cover if no other TSFs were around to do the job. The head crewman leaped off the truck and yelled out the order.

"Secure Icon-1. Pull this thing back under!"

Icon-1. She watched the support crew in action, running post-flight checks on the machine. One group was now opening the cockpit, though they were oddly relaxed about it.

Now that she had a closer look, some things stood out as different along the giant silhouette. Strike Eagles had a generic look, and some details on Icon-1 were unique. The hawk-mask head seemed to have an extra antenna vane connected the left side of its head. As if to balance it out, there was a blackened pod that was welded to the right half.

No weapons were seen on the machine. Whether it was a test flight or Icon-1 had somehow used all of its ordnance, she had no way of knowing.

But the TSF itself is undamaged.

It stood out. The brown-red stains on the machine were part of the TSF's unique camouflage pattern, not damage or fratricide from an enemy encounter. Engines looked fine, no damage could be seen on the armour.

And another thing disturbed her.

Ground crews had finally opened up the cockpit. A helmeted, heavy-suited form was pulled out - someone that not wearing the expected TSF pilot Fortified Suit. A cursory check on the body, and it was tossed aside.

They just tossed the pilot's body aside? Even more telling: Did it land on auto-manuever?

It was then she noticed that some of the nearby ground crew had stopped what they were doing.

They were looking at her. They all were.

None of them smiled.

She saluted them out of habit, without energy.

"Lieutenant Elle Burkhart, 23rd Australian Search and Rescue." She hoped no one would notice the grim lump forming in her throat. "Reporting as ordered."
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Old 2013-03-11, 07:42   Link #786
Dragonkid11
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Originally Posted by wavehawk View Post
...seriously, would you read that?

This is a story. Too lengthy and you bore the hell out of who's reading it. Too terse, the reader won't even bother reading it.
Well,I don't mean THAT short.
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Old 2013-03-12, 07:40   Link #787
sasahar17
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Originally Posted by wavehawk View Post
-SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR- snippet
Okay, I have no idea what the hell is going on there, but it looks like poor Elle has gotten herself knee deep in something she probably shouldn't have. If I had to guess... that thing has an AI?

Am I close?

On another note, after much discussions with Goose, I have come to a startling realisation about MLYRL's Dover Base. It's really close to where Castle Barin is in the Strike Witches Quest universe!

And you all know what happens there...

Spoiler for Bounce Valkyrie Pilot:

Hm. Crazy People in a Castle tasked with defending mainland Britain from Aliums, and a protagonist who goes around Bouncing people. Must be something in the water.
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Old 2013-03-12, 10:48   Link #788
John117xCortana
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Poor French loli.....
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Old 2013-03-12, 18:09   Link #789
Alastor Mobius Toth
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I just had an idea for the most unholy of all crossovers.

Screw saving the world or fighting the BETA....

Be awesome instead.

A.K.A Total EclipsexSaint's Row the Third crossover.

The game starts with Yuuya (the Argos' Boss), Yui and Vincent getting captured and brought before Jerzy Sandek, the leader of Syndicate, and personal Boss of Idar Mafiya. Sandek wants to leverage the Argos' media power to his own ends, but he fails to convince the Argos crew, who free themselves and proceed to tear through his An-225 plane. They end up having a dogfight with his henchmen as the plane falls apart, amid the exploding wreckage of illegally-obtained TSFs. When they land, they found themselves in American Capital of Crime...Yukon City. There, they have to face Sandek's Idar, and other gangs under his control, the Bao-Feng Triad and the Infinities.


Admit, Yuuya catching falling Yui from a plane with blowing up Russians would be awesome.
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Old 2013-03-12, 23:45   Link #790
Dragonkid11
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That's one crack fic that I would love to read.
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Old 2013-03-13, 05:27   Link #791
sasahar17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alastor Mobius Toth View Post
Total EclipsexSaint's Row the Third crossover.
*sound of Saints Row: The Third jungle*





*Holds out a wad of cash* Here’s my money?

More seriously though, I'm not sure if just throwing Saints Row and Muv Luv together would work. One's gangster black comedy with over the top antics, while the other's a giant robot war drama with a sprinkling of war drama. I'm not really sure how they'd mesh. I mean, if it works out it will be GLORIOUS, but it's not going to be easy without making the characters unrecognisable.

I think it could work if it were done as a short oneshot, just focusing on 'a typical day for the XFJ Bunch', perhaps showing how they'd carry out one of the missions and make it slightly different from how the Saints did it. I vote for the 'Infiltrate yonder mansion as a sex slave mission' if that's the case.

Alternatively, you could always make them a McDonalds home delivery service, competing against a Burger King (Infinities), Chinese Instant noodles joint (Bao Feng) and a Russian home delivery chain (Idar) with the BETA as their customers...

Wait I already tried that with Pizza Hut and Dominoes.

Oh well.

Round 2 of the Home-delivery is Serious Business Wars?
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Old 2013-03-13, 06:37   Link #792
MrTerrorist
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sasahar17 View Post
Okay, I have no idea what the hell is going on there, but it looks like poor Elle has gotten herself knee deep in something she probably shouldn't have. If I had to guess... that thing has an AI?

Am I close?

On another note, after much discussions with Goose, I have come to a startling realisation about MLYRL's Dover Base. It's really close to where Castle Barin is in the Strike Witches Quest universe!

And you all know what happens there...

Spoiler for Bounce Valkyrie Pilot:

Hm. Crazy People in a Castle tasked with defending mainland Britain from Aliums, and a protagonist who goes around Bouncing people. Must be something in the water.
Ok, i'm lost. Which characters is from Macross Frontier and Strike Witches?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alastor Mobius Toth View Post
I just had an idea for the most unholy of all crossovers.

Screw saving the world or fighting the BETA....

Be awesome instead.

A.K.A Total EclipsexSaint's Row the Third crossover.

The game starts with Yuuya (the Argos' Boss), Yui and Vincent getting captured and brought before Jerzy Sandek, the leader of Syndicate, and personal Boss of Idar Mafiya. Sandek wants to leverage the Argos' media power to his own ends, but he fails to convince the Argos crew, who free themselves and proceed to tear through his An-225 plane. They end up having a dogfight with his henchmen as the plane falls apart, amid the exploding wreckage of illegally-obtained TSFs. When they land, they found themselves in American Capital of Crime...Yukon City. There, they have to face Sandek's Idar, and other gangs under his control, the Bao-Feng Triad and the Infinities.


Admit, Yuuya catching falling Yui from a plane with blowing up Russians would be awesome.
Go home AMT, i think your drunk from Saint Rows.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sasahar17 View Post
*sound of Saints Row: The Third jungle*





*Holds out a wad of cash* Here’s my money?

More seriously though, I'm not sure if just throwing Saints Row and Muv Luv together would work. One's gangster black comedy with over the top antics, while the other's a giant robot war drama with a sprinkling of war drama. I'm not really sure how they'd mesh. I mean, if it works out it will be GLORIOUS, but it's not going to be easy without making the characters unrecognisable.

I think it could work if it were done as a short oneshot, just focusing on 'a typical day for the XFJ Bunch', perhaps showing how they'd carry out one of the missions and make it slightly different from how the Saints did it. I vote for the 'Infiltrate yonder mansion as a sex slave mission' if that's the case.

Alternatively, you could always make them a McDonalds home delivery service, competing against a Burger King (Infinities), Chinese Instant noodles joint (Bao Feng) and a Russian home delivery chain (Idar) with the BETA as their customers...

Wait I already tried that with Pizza Hut and Dominoes.

Oh well.

Round 2 of the Home-delivery is Serious Business Wars?
This sounds like the Burger Marines fanfic.
Serving the Emperor's subjects and defeating their enemies.... with fast food.
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Old 2013-03-13, 07:33   Link #793
wavehawk
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Originally Posted by sasahar17 View Post
Okay, I have no idea what the hell is going on there
- Good. That's EXACTLY how I want you to feel before I start the story proper.
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Old 2013-03-13, 22:12   Link #794
Wild Goose
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Quick replies on things:

1) Wavehawk's fic gives me the same "WTF is going on?" vibes the Yukikaze novels gave me (or rather, Good Luck Yukikaze). Which I think is a good thing. Seems some weird juju is going down.

2) Food delivery hijinks would be lol. As for Pizza Hut and Domino's... funny thing there - in Malaysia, Domino's has 50% of the Pizza Market, despite only have 100 stores to Pizza Hut's 500. Viva my company! I love my company and hate my department, lol.

3) Eclipse Row is @____@ and Take Someone Else's Money As I'm Broke. That reminds me, need to play that game. Garh, not enough HDD. Ohshit I gotta clear my hard drive of my stash -___-

4) Latest Chapters of Comet and Valkyries have been sent to me for BETA and I am working on it, though work is kinda slow, I'm getting more last minute rush from my day job, and my daily condition is @_____@ Falling into a drain and hurting my back, knee and hand didn't help. T__T All blame for current delays can be rested at my feet. My bad.
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Old 2013-03-15, 04:11   Link #795
tsunade666
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An update and Hibiki is back

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7112821/...-into-the-Loop
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Old 2013-03-15, 06:41   Link #796
sasahar17
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2) Food delivery hijinks would be lol. As for Pizza Hut and Domino's... funny thing there - in Malaysia, Domino's has 50% of the Pizza Market, despite only have 100 stores to Pizza Hut's 500. Viva my company! I love my company and hate my department, lol.
Pizza Hut is losing? No! Someone call Zero! Send in the Black Knights! Those Red, Whit and blue wearing imperialists will not stop the Rebellion!

PIZZA HUT, BANZAI!

Seriously now, I did the whole crack 'Giant Robots as fast food delivery vehicles' thing before for a Code Geass fic, sp probably not a good idea, for me at least, to do it again for Muv Luv, even if it could potentially be funnier.

I was just thinking, since Argos/XFJ are UN, wouldn't it make sense for them to be like, cops or something? Everyone else could be running around destroying the city trying to deliver their fast food, and Yui is in charge of the traffic police division that has to stop out of control Burger delivery TSFs. That might be fun.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Goose View Post
4) Latest Chapters of Comet and Valkyries have been sent to me for BETA and I am working on it, though work is kinda slow, I'm getting more last minute rush from my day job, and my daily condition is @_____@ Falling into a drain and hurting my back, knee and hand didn't help. T__T All blame for current delays can be rested at my feet. My bad.
It's not really your fault. We all have Real Life stuff to deal with, and having all that happen in one go is just fate taking a dump on you. Things like that happen. Besides, this is just a hobby for us. Take your time. Nobody’s in a rush.

At least that what one half of me is saying. The other half is yelling something unintelligible in some feral language I cannot understand. I can make out the words ‘Goose’, ‘Sacrifice’, ‘Khorne’, ‘Blood God’, ‘Skull Throne’ and ‘Where is My Comet’. I have no idea what that could possibly mean.
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Old 2013-03-15, 10:58   Link #797
John117xCortana
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I was hoping for the members of Zhar to meet Takeru...

It's a shame that Takeru won't be participating in the exercise. It would have made some interesting scenes.
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Old 2013-03-15, 20:53   Link #798
Wild Goose
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Originally Posted by sasahar17 View Post
Pizza Hut is losing? No! Someone call Zero! Send in the Black Knights! Those Red, Whit and blue wearing imperialists will not stop the Rebellion!

PIZZA HUT, BANZAI!
Unfortunately, here, we're the Rebellion, and Pizza Hut is the establishment. Plus, y'know, better service, quality, reasonable prices and value for money. >:3

Quote:
Seriously now, I did the whole crack 'Giant Robots as fast food delivery vehicles' thing before for a Code Geass fic, sp probably not a good idea, for me at least, to do it again for Muv Luv, even if it could potentially be funnier.

I was just thinking, since Argos/XFJ are UN, wouldn't it make sense for them to be like, cops or something? Everyone else could be running around destroying the city trying to deliver their fast food, and Yui is in charge of the traffic police division that has to stop out of control Burger delivery TSFs. That might be fun.
I can imagine poor Yui as a beleagured Japanese policewoman, and Yuuya as this hotshot American detective.

By the end of the week, Yui's traded in her uniform for something more appealing and she and Yuuya are diving through windows, getting caught up in car chases and massive shootouts, and eventually waking up in bed with each other. Jellyui, ho!


Quote:
It's not really your fault. We all have Real Life stuff to deal with, and having all that happen in one go is just fate taking a dump on you. Things like that happen. Besides, this is just a hobby for us. Take your time. Nobody’s in a rush.
Why, thank you. I'm really sorry 'bout the delay, and your understanding warms my hear-

Quote:
At least that what one half of me is saying. The other half is yelling something unintelligible in some feral language I cannot understand. I can make out the words ‘Goose’, ‘Sacrifice’, ‘Khorne’, ‘Blood God’, ‘Skull Throne’ and ‘Where is My Comet’. I have no idea what that could possibly mean.
...
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Old 2013-03-16, 02:37   Link #799
wavehawk
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Originally Posted by Wild Goose View Post
I can imagine poor Yui as a beleagured Japanese policewoman, and Yuuya as this hotshot American detective.

By the end of the week, Yui's traded in her uniform for something more appealing and she and Yuuya are diving through windows, getting caught up in car chases and massive shootouts, and eventually waking up in bed with each other. Jellyui, ho!
- That setup sounds VERRRY familiar...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QTVtAsVrEg


...dagnabit, Goose. You made me lose my focus on my fic!
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Old 2013-03-16, 06:52   Link #800
Wild Goose
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wavehawk View Post
- That setup sounds VERRRY familiar...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QTVtAsVrEg

...dagnabit, Goose. You made me lose my focus on my fic!
Actually I was thinking something like Hot Fuzz, or Bad Boys, with Yui as a beleagured by the book Japanese policewoman who's just trying to do the job, and Yuuya as a hotshot cowboy cop American detective, who got sent to Japan cuz his old man's a Jap, even though Yuuya insists he's from the Deep South.

The story would involve them in usual movie hijinks, interposed with gunfire and UST, and at the end of things-ish, Yui is wearing plainclothes (plus a pair of bitchin' shades, courtesy of Yuuya), while Yuuya's cleaned up his outfit a little. One of the last scenes would have them in their uniforms, being decorated, and Yuuya realises that the winter dress uniform is actually pretty good on Yui (that it's a little tight since it's been a while since she last wore it is a bonus), while Yuuya rocks the NYPD detective's dress uniform...

Final scene: both of them meeting Yui's parents, in their uniforms, while Yuuya starts getting worried on realising that Yui's an ojousama.

Also Yuuya's better with guns (carries a SIG P226), compared to Yui's crap .38, while Yui does kendo and aikido and could probably kick his ass with her bare hands... If Yuuya didn't believe in anything goes hand to hand.

They tie when sparring: Yui has graceful skill and flexibility, while Yuuya has pragmatism and power. They end up with a rematch in her bed: Yuuya has reach, Yui has flexibility...

*Goose is shot. Get back to Comet.*
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