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Old 2013-03-06, 08:19   Link #1
Sniperthe0ne
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Project Sorataki: (An orignail script in the making.)

Natalie and Andrew:



Well I have seen a lot of anime in my day and ever since i was little loved telling stories. So anyways it got a point where i began thinking i may as well put it on paper and well That is what i did with the next idea that came to mind.

So it is a fantasy, romance, shonin story mixed in with other story types the are inspired by finale fantasy, Naruto, devil may cry, Clannad a very little i guess. Well anyways if you see something that seem a little like a show let me know. altho i do my best to be original i would be surprised if i have taken more from them that i noticed. XD

Synopsis


A young girl, scared by her past is on a quest to find and kill the ones that wronged her. Natalie (The main character.) travel’s the vast dying along with Andrew (her childhood friend.) and armed with a strange power that is believed to be from an angel, Natalie faces the cruel and dying world of corruption, demons and death with nothing but vengeance in mind. This leads to making lost of enemy's and some friends along the way some of which join her in her quest. She thanks to Andrew and her new friends soon relies that even in her state it is never too late to live a normal life. And the path she is taking could very well end in tragedy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So far I have got 20 chapters down but due to very likely gamma mistakes i will hold them back untill I make some tome to go over them So for now i will only put up the Prologue witch will still likely have the odd mistake in there that I will fix it's just for now i wanted to get the ideas out of my head and into paper.

So here goes XD


Spoiler for The Demon sword Sorataki Prologue:





Same art that i tried coloring in lol. (Warning it's a little big)
Spoiler:

Last edited by Sniperthe0ne; 2013-03-28 at 06:12.
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Old 2013-03-15, 05:04   Link #2
Xion Valkyrie
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Only read the prologue so far, but how come the 2 boys fighting the monster miss the girl in the tank? The way you described it gave me the impression that room is the room specifically built for her. Maybe she's in one tank amongst hundreds, and all the rest are smashed/destroyed?

Also, what's the numbering system for?
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Old 2013-03-15, 13:03   Link #3
Vexx
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 56
Yeah, drop the numbering system completely. Even as a script that only clutters the page. I almost stopped reading in the first 20 lines just because of that.

Some of the stunts/powers seem to come out of nowhere. I'm guessing you need to describe what your characters look like, how they're dressed.

Example: Natallie grew wings out of fear ... o.O Most people I know would utterly freak out. Is this something common to the universe? Or there other people with wings? If you want to be mysterious and we don't know why/how yet ... at least have Natalie react in horror or something before figuring out the wings can save her.

When "tank" was first used, there should be some description. It several readings for me to guess these were some kind of bio-vat tanks. Are they transparent? Crystalline? Are there tubes and power thingies all over it? There should be descriptions on first view of any important things or people.

"took the guard out" ... it'd be more interesting if we knew how.

The scene cuts and the flashbacks are nicely placed and interesting. The Natalie and Andrew interplay is promising. I think there just needs to be more visual and emotional description (clothing, facial expressions, weather, scenery, I have no idea what any of the characters look like.

Summary: descriptive text needed to supplement so that the reader can create a visual picture. The plot looks great, a lot of the dialog is great (some stilted parts, read them out loud to see how they sound to fix that).

Writing query: will the reader know the thoughts of everyone at all times? Will we have scenes from one POV? Or will we stick to Natalie's POV? Any answer is right but for your own purposes of storytelling keep that in mind. Quite often in a story, any given scene will have a single POV and we know the thoughts of that person but he/she has to guess the intent of other's by words and action.
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Old 2013-03-17, 14:04   Link #4
Sniperthe0ne
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexx View Post
Yeah, drop the numbering system completely. Even as a script that only clutters the page. I almost stopped reading in the first 20 lines just because of that.

Some of the stunts/powers seem to come out of nowhere. I'm guessing you need to describe what your characters look like, how they're dressed.

Example: Natallie grew wings out of fear ... o.O Most people I know would utterly freak out. Is this something common to the universe? Or there other people with wings? If you want to be mysterious and we don't know why/how yet ... at least have Natalie react in horror or something before figuring out the wings can save her.

When "tank" was first used, there should be some description. It several readings for me to guess these were some kind of bio-vat tanks. Are they transparent? Crystalline? Are there tubes and power thingies all over it? There should be descriptions on first view of any important things or people.

"took the guard out" ... it'd be more interesting if we knew how.

The scene cuts and the flashbacks are nicely placed and interesting. The Natalie and Andrew interplay is promising. I think there just needs to be more visual and emotional description (clothing, facial expressions, weather, scenery, I have no idea what any of the characters look like.

Summary: descriptive text needed to supplement so that the reader can create a visual picture. The plot looks great, a lot of the dialog is great (some stilted parts, read them out loud to see how they sound to fix that).

Writing query: will the reader know the thoughts of everyone at all times? Will we have scenes from one POV? Or will we stick to Natalie's POV? Any answer is right but for your own purposes of storytelling keep that in mind. Quite often in a story, any given scene will have a single POV and we know the thoughts of that person but he/she has to guess the intent of other's by words and action.

This started off as a script so i had the numbers on there to help me follow what what scene was where.

because it is started as one i did not go too big on explaining the scene's and characters since it was meant to me animated but now i see i don't have to time for animating it so i was planning to go back and adding more detail since i have decided to make it a light novel. the later eps are explained more better.


How they look like... now this may sound funny but... other than the simple stuff like hair color and other face value aspects and weapons they use i have trouble really pinning down what they wear lol.

the dark wings scene: well the way i see it is that if she was not almost about to pass out she would have shown some shock but then she's been through alot of shock before this with out spoiling anything. to that this is more like an cherry the chain of shockingly bad things that happened to her at this point.


As far as POV goes it dose some times show other charters when ever the plot calls for it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and i will take off the numbers off them since i see where your coming from. i will also stick up a fan art of the tho main characters since that dose more or less show how they look like anyways and maybe an old series i was working on in anime that is tied to this one.
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Old 2013-03-17, 14:07   Link #5
Sniperthe0ne
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xion Valkyrie View Post
Only read the prologue so far, but how come the 2 boys fighting the monster miss the girl in the tank? The way you described it gave me the impression that room is the room specifically built for her. Maybe she's in one tank amongst hundreds, and all the rest are smashed/destroyed?

Also, what's the numbering system for?

She is in the same building but underground. Soz i first had this as a script to follow for animating but that's not going to happen. I will get back around to fixing the details after getting the first half of the story out of my head and in text XD.
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Old 2013-03-17, 14:49   Link #6
Vexx
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Yeah, I get the "writing it down before i forget". My chapters start off with a very sketchy outline, like a skeleton. Then I start putting in details and meat like dialog, comedy moments, side stuff, actions that connect one event to the other. I may redraft a chapter 10 or 20 times, moving stuff, adding dialog, subtracting stuff, fixing grammar derps.

But it all starts with getting *something* written down before you forget
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Old 2013-03-17, 15:10   Link #7
Sniperthe0ne
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexx View Post
Yeah, I get the "writing it down before i forget". My chapters start off with a very sketchy outline, like a skeleton. Then I start putting in details and meat like dialog, comedy moments, side stuff, actions that connect one event to the other. I may redraft a chapter 10 or 20 times, moving stuff, adding dialog, subtracting stuff, fixing grammar derps.

But it all starts with getting *something* written down before you forget
I see XD. It will differently happen since half of what i did was more aimed as a script anyways and there is a lot to be explained better.

Do you think i should fix them first before putting them up here? I mean i have a good bit done already it's just needs a once over at best.
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Old 2013-03-17, 15:14   Link #8
=Meirii
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Well good idea with the story... Good luck! ^.^
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Old 2013-03-17, 15:49   Link #9
Vexx
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sniperthe0ne View Post
I see XD. It will differently happen since half of what i did was more aimed as a script anyways and there is a lot to be explained better.

Do you think i should fix them first before putting them up here? I mean i have a good bit done already it's just needs a once over at best.
Nah, if that's the way you want to handle it, we'll just comment on the story and if there are places where we can't figure out what is going on and such.
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Old 2013-03-18, 17:35   Link #10
Sniperthe0ne
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Ok thanks XD. Well here's the next one. I may have to some how post the on links since i cant seem to add anymore characters.

Spoiler for The demon Sword Sorataki Ep 2 Dawn:
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Old 2013-03-28, 06:30   Link #11
Sniperthe0ne
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The third part. new characters are shown and there is a little word puzzle that will make more sense if you read the last one. let me know how you found it before you read the answer if possible.

Spoiler for The demon sword sorataki ep 3:Passionate intrigue:
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Old 2013-03-28, 16:48   Link #12
Xion Valkyrie
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You should go over your dialogue again and rework them so that they sound more natural. Remember that when people talk they don't always form full sentences, and a lot of things are alluded to indirectly instead of addressed directly. For example:

Quote:
Andrew: This time they used speakers to gather them. It’s like every time I witness this they find a more effective way to kidnap them.

Natalie: !! Lets get them out of the truck!!

She was about to head straight for the truck but Andrew grabbed her.

Andrew: NO WAIT! Remember the plan!

Natalie: !!

Andrew: We are going to save them after they lead us to their base. Now let’s follow that truck.

Natalie: Right…
A more natural way to rework this would be:

Andrew: Speakers huh? These clever bastards are getting really damn efficient.

[Cut Natalie's dialogue about going to get them, she should just go and have Andrew be startled by her actions]

Andrew: WAIT! Remember the plan?

Natalie: !!

Andrew: We follow the truck. Locate their base. THEN we save everyone.

Natalie: Sorry...
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Old 2013-03-29, 08:58   Link #13
Sniperthe0ne
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True about the dialogue part. thanks for pointing that out.
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Old 2013-03-31, 13:50   Link #14
Sniperthe0ne
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Now this was where it all started for me. This here is the series called The Demon Sword that i started as a mess around with an animating program than then turned into a story. I wanted to make the whole series in this but it takes too much time to pass of as a hobby if i where to go ahead with it so this was as far as i went with it. this story takes place in the same time line and world as Sorataki but stars different charters and plot but some charters from this world this series meed ones from Sorataki in fact if you at least read the first ep and then went to watch this you will see recognizable names in the series.

Any who's enjoy and before you ark yes i did animate this and yes the spelling and grammar is bad. had a bed habit of wanting to get it done near the end and that along with difficulty noticing spelling mistakes made this but it was a hobby nothing too important so...

The Demon Sword:
The demon sword part 1:


The demon sword part 2: The longest day

The demon sword ep 3: The promise

Last edited by Sniperthe0ne; 2013-03-31 at 14:02.
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Old 2013-04-02, 01:57   Link #15
Xion Valkyrie
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Only watched the first 2 so far. They're pretty good, reminds me of those stick figure fight stuff that came out a couple years ago. I really love the retro sound effects. The text is a bit hard to read though.
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Old 2013-04-04, 00:55   Link #16
Vexx
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Just watched some snippets but this is kind of fascinating. Will respond more intelligibly after viewing.
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Old 2013-04-07, 12:19   Link #17
Sniperthe0ne
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Thanks for the comments. Now i would put up the next episode but i want to go over it and catch any spelling mistakes as i can before hand. I would do that but im kind of working on the latest ones so it's a question of whew i should best concentrate my efforts on sort of thing right now.
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Old 2013-08-16, 20:31   Link #18
Sniperthe0ne
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Hey one and all. Just posting to show that im still active just been busy. As for the script it is still in the works. I would post up the next part but problem is I am miles ahead of the next chapter and still going and for me to go back and fix up stuff I find can distract from my flow. I will may get around to it soon or even tonight but for now just a heads up.
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