FinalDusk: ¿Plot?

[ChibiDusk]

Some of you might remember a game I was creating a while back called
FinalDusk.

Anyways, I finally made a semi-version of a plot.
Spoilers are there for no reason...
[it spoils the game, but oh well ^^"]

still some plot holes, but here it goes.
[just a quick version, write the full one later]

Spoiler:

A girl is born, yadayadayada, she grows up,
she can use magic, which no other cans and is labelled an -inhuman, and is disregarded and unloved by all. She wants to find out about a mysterious mark
that is written on her skin, so she goes on a journey.
On the journey she meets a young man, blahblah, they fall in love.
The girl finds out that the mark means 'dusk' and that it relates
to a legend which speaks of a
'day that will never return and a night that will never come'.

She finds out that the finaldusk has been summoned,
and that she is the chosen one to stop it. ~Blah~
At the end she finds out the man she met is actually
the key of the 'FinalDusk' and that he is the one who
calls upon it and controls it. The 'Finaldusk' merges with the man
and the girl is the only one who can stop it, by killing it.

She is about to do it then the memories of the man come back
so she is prevented, and gives up, and refuses to fight him.

Him, not being fully himself kills her which triggers the
'EternalDawn' inside her, which kills the 'FinalDusk'
insode him. He is back to normal, only in time to
see her lifeless body.

*sigh* beta version, will change tommorrow, don;t have much time to type, sry ^^"

[boneyjellyfish]

I don't remember, but shouldn't this have been posted in the ChibiWorkshop?

[ChibiDusk]

Ne?
No, it shouldn't.
Well, I don't think it should have been...

[Imazul]

Cant judge, you got some big plot hole.

Af for now if I did wanted to judge, id say it got some elements that are overdo in the amateur rpg world (hell even in anime). Its a pretty weird combination of many major plot twist that people could figure out way before it happens wich doesnt make a good plot twist. Its also a big combination of primary rpg element with close to none secondary stuff ( the girl having the tatoo, the end of the world, the guy she loves being the key, etc..) wich can actually make a good story. So in my humble opinion once you fill some more gap it could produce a really good story, or you could mess up and turn out with something really bad.

[Dark Zero]

I liked it, until I read the final paragraph. Maybe you should change that a bit, unless you want a very sad ending......which is pretty cool if done properly, and usually a good twist rather then the usual.

[ChibiDusk]

That was a beta of my plot, and not described well
because of the time I had to write it. Ill fix it up some very soon.

[gravitation]

well i think it sounds kool!, i neva knew ya was making a game?!!? thats kool ^__^ i wish you luck on it

[Shii]

Spoiler:

A girl is born, yadayadayada, she grows up,
she can use magic, which no other cans and is labelled an -inhuman, and is disregarded and unloved by all. She wants to find out about a mysterious mark
that is written on her skin, so she goes on a journey.
On the journey she meets a young man, blahblah, they fall in love.
The girl finds out that the mark means 'dusk' and that it relates
to a legend which speaks of a
'day that will never return and a night that will never come'. ... ~Blah~

This is a cliche and you are already boring yourself typing it... when you come up with something that you can type without "etc., etc., etc.", despite it being a rough draft, that will be a good plotline.