A Laugh A Day

[Sinfully Naomi]

JEEP!!!!1!111111!!!!!!!!!one!!!11!!!!11!!!!!11tenm illion!1111!!!!!!

[Demongod86]

ET ANOTHER EDITION OF 'QUOTES TO THINK ABOUT'....

“Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.: ) Aphorist Eric Hoffer

“Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never do all that he can.” - Author Henry Drummond

“If nobody spoke unless he had something to say, the human race would very soon lose the use of speech.” - W. Somerset Maugham

“The learned man knows that he is ignorant.” - Victor Hugo

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” - John F. Kennedy

“True happiness is knowing you're a hypocrite.” Musician Ivor Cutler

“Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.” - Writer Bill Vaughan

“Miracles are propitious accidents, the natural causes of which are too complicated to be readily understood.” - George Santayana

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.” - Actor Paul Fix

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” - Author James Branch Cabell

“If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.” - Anatole France

“I'd rather be governed by a wise Turk than a stupid Christian.” - Martin Luther

“Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” - Former Canadian first lady Maryon Pearson

[Sinfully Naomi]

Person 1:'Some guy tried to sell me weed here'
Person 2:'Some guy tried to sell me weed in the library. And you know what, I said "no" to drugs, where's my lifetime of happiness?'
Person 1: *shrugs*
Person 2: *points to his girlfriend* 'There it is'
Person 1: 'Let's just see how long this lifetime is.'
Person 2: *looks and nods*

*thirty seconds later*

Person 1: 'Aw crap, I could've made a "24" reference there!'

[LeoXiao]

Originally Posted by KiNA

Old stuff .. Warning !
1) Huge file (1+Mb)
2) bad language.



XD

lol I laugh every time i see this. theres no way I can pick out the best parts.s

[Aoie_Emesai]

Originally Posted by Demongod86

ET ANOTHER EDITION OF 'QUOTES TO THINK ABOUT'....

“Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.: ) Aphorist Eric Hoffer

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.” - Actor Paul Fix

These 2 are great

[-KarumA-]

this made me lol

http://community.norton.com/norton/b...id=39119&jump=
true

>O LAWD IM CHOKIN ON PIFTS PLZ HALP
> OH GOD YOU GOT CHOCOLATE IN MY PIFTS
>If you wanna be my NORTON/ you gotta deal with my P ! F T S . E X E
>IF PIFTS.EXE WAS HERE, THEN WHO WAS PHONE?
>PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE
>I LOVE MY PIFTS.EXE

[sa547]

Originally Posted by -KarumA-

this made me lol

http://community.norton.com/norton/b...id=39119&jump=
true

>O LAWD IM CHOKIN ON PIFTS PLZ HALP
> OH GOD YOU GOT CHOCOLATE IN MY PIFTS
>If you wanna be my NORTON/ you gotta deal with my P ! F T S . E X E
>IF PIFTS.EXE WAS HERE, THEN WHO WAS PHONE?
>PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE PIFTS.EXE
>I LOVE MY PIFTS.EXE

That was quite embarrassing for Norton, as the programmers had apparently forgot to properly tag the file in question.

[Demongod86]

Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management..
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attentionof your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, Management
P.S.Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.

[Aoie_Emesai]

Some jokes for ya (All of these are from Comedy Central, btw)

I Chose the one that made me laugh. Hope ya like them too. Most are from the Sex tag of the joke section

Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?

Spoiler for answer:

A: Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?

Spoiler for answer:

A: A toothbrush.

**
Two neighbors, John and Sam, are always competing.

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.

Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.

The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."

"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
**

Q: Mommy, what's that old wrinkly think on grandma?

Spoiler for Answer:

Grandpa

**
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

Spoiler for Answer:

BINGO!

**
Longer Joke so i stuck it in a spoiler

Spoiler for Drastic Diet:

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.
''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''
''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I have you!!'''

****

Two old ladies were standing on a street corner smoking cigarettes. It started to rain and one lady said, ''Great, now I'll have to put this out.''

The other lady said, ''No you don't, i have some cigarette covers here.''

She proceeded to take a trojan out of her purse, cut the end off and put it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, ''Where did you get that?''

The second lady replied, ''Just go to the drug store and ask for some condoms.''

The next day the first lady went to her local drug store and said to the clerk,''I'd like some condoms please.''

The clerk replied,''What size please?''

The lady said, ''One big enough to fit a Camel.''
***
A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, “Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind.” The boy said, “Dad, I'm over here
**

[LeoXiao]

Originally Posted by Demongod86

Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management..
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attentionof your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, Management
P.S.Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Those acronyms must've taken an eternity to come up with.

[escimo]

Fail.

[Kitsune]

Spelling mistake or just being honest?

Spoiler for image:

[ganbaru]

Someone just had forget the ''G'', they probably means angus.

[Solafighter]

[SaintessHeart]

If you can understand Japanese......


http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=JP&hl=ja&v=tf6baKNrC48

[Solafighter]

Originally Posted by SaintessHeart

If you can understand Japanese......


http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=JP&hl=ja&v=tf6baKNrC48

That would be great for my navigation system. Just need to remember the keywords like right or left turn and else.


Well, anoter kinda funny video. Japanese playing HL2 with some crazy map. Ventrilo/Ts was recorded. Well, for those, who understand japanese its more funny, i guess.

http://www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm1396067

[LeoXiao]

Not really a lol but...

I was talking to my friend in my history classroom during lunch today, and I explained Demongod's acronym story to him. Then he loled, went to a computer, found the text of the joke, and printed it out and put it on the wall near the door. Then my history teacher came in as the bell rang and started reading the paper. He started laughing and since he was near the door people coming also starting looking at what he was laughing about and soon like half to class was jammed around the doorway reading to paper on the wall and it took like ten minutes for the way to be cleared. Then some girl took the sheet, went to the library, and printed like 30 copies and distributed them to another history class before coming back and giving the extras to people who hadn't read it yet. Then we took a test made up of essay questions about Hitler and what he did to Jewish people.

[escimo]

[Demongod86]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner.'
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'
She says, 'A hundred dollars.'
He says, 'All I got is thirty'.
She says, 'Hold on,' and runs back to Harry and asks, 'What can he get for thirty?'
'A hand job,' Harry replied.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty bucks is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this "HUGE" crank.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.' She runs back to Harry.
'What's wrong?' he asks,
'Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks?!
+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+
The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible
for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was
climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth
Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of
splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the
nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the
splinters.
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into
the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3
hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks
and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of
Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'

[ganbaru]

It's supposed to be a true poster for a streeptease club, not a joke or being edited:

Translation: 18 to 3 h
12 streepteaseuse
10 pretty
1 fat
1 ugly