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Old 2006-11-25, 17:47   Link #1
the.Merines
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Join Date: Jul 2006
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Lightbulb Don't murder me; original fiction Free Lunch

Yo.

I'm trying to get some kind of feeback/critique on a little bit of a thing I've been working on lately. Please be truthful in your thoughts and ideas. I won't get hurt if you tell me the idea sucks; I've been writing fanfiction for a long time, so a bad review isn't a big deal.

Title: Free Lunch
Genre: slice of life, comedy, drama (in that order)
Age rating: T (for traumatized, err... teen)
Story overview: Self-proclaimed NEET Mitsugi Jirou is a pitiful excuse of a human being, who absolutely cannot bring himself to approach a member of the opposite sex. His past is a mystery, mostly because no one hangs around him enough to get that far. However, in the past few months, a first-year high school student, and more recently his twin sister, both take an interest in this 'thing' called Jirou. Ever so slowly, things begin to change for all three of them.

Spoiler for (length) Chapter 01: Missed Lunch:
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Old 2006-11-27, 23:24   Link #2
Zero Shinohara
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Well, l was ready to say "Do I see some Rozen Maiden fan here?", since I realized the whole Yakult deal. Since Gin directly relates to "Lactic Acid Bacteria"... But then I saw your last line of text there, and I felt disappointed with myself :P

Anyway, I didn't have time to read it all, but I think you have one hell of a tallent to write, and your vocabulary is pretty vast as well, so your work doesn't get boring, and it's pretty rich. The storyline looks very promissing and interesting, so I'm sure you're on the right track. Keep going, I'll definetly keep up.
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Old 2006-11-29, 18:45   Link #3
the.Merines
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^Thanks for the support!

Chapter 02: Shared Lunch
Summary: The female body is a double-edged sword. Jirou and Hikari discover the hard edge, in a very hard way. Then, after Hikari is caught in a compromising lie, Jirou steps in and covers her lies with more of his own. After all, what's a few white lies between friends?
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Old 2006-11-30, 08:22   Link #4
laphingman
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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[QUOTE=Anyway, I didn't have time to read it all, but I think you have one hell of a tallent to write, and your vocabulary is pretty vast as well, so your work doesn't get boring, and it's pretty rich. The storyline looks very promissing and interesting, so I'm sure you're on the right track. Keep going, I'll definetly keep up.[/QUOTE]

I agree with her. I read alot of handmade Fan-Fics And i got to say that yours has a very bright future. Hope to read more!
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Old 2006-12-11, 14:53   Link #5
the.Merines
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Thanks laphingman. Words of encouragement are always nice!

Chapter 03: Burnt Lunch

Description: Both Kentaro and Hikari seriously think it would be good for Jirou to enroll at their high school for the next school year, for the sake of his emotional and social experience. Having spent his entire life bounding back and forth between Japan and the U.S., Jirou doesn't remember the experience in a good light and is extremely hesitant. Tragedy strikes once again, devastating all parties involved. However, as they will find out, not everything is as it seems...
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