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Old 2013-11-18, 09:30   Link #1
ldyrdy
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Post Rebirth Online (Original Works)

I'm writing a Light novel.. although I'm just a beginner and my grammar is not that good, but I take up my courage to put it here and asking for you guys to read and give me some feedback.. because I just finished my first book and it looks likely will be a 3 or 4 volume in the series... so, I hope you guys have the time to drop by and see my works...


thank you for everyone that dropping by and reading my novel...

first book:http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...nning-revised/
second book:http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...-reminiscence/
third book: http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...-of-the-world/

Last edited by ldyrdy; 2014-01-10 at 02:27. Reason: update..
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Old 2013-11-18, 13:03   Link #2
SoFarGone
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Link doesn't work. If you can provide the link I'll read a chapter or two.
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Old 2013-11-19, 04:08   Link #3
dragon1412
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: somewhere in Asia
http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...new-beginning/ try this.
to be honest, generally it's quite good so far but i have a few opinion and it's going to be quite harsh, mostly related to the system.
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Old 2013-11-19, 05:41   Link #4
Kadi
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Skimmed over it.

Too much infodumb, too much dialogue, not enough description and no reason to care about the cliche characters.

To improve, cut down on or space out the infodump, try to work it into other descriptions. Considering your target audience, you can probably cut some of it altogether, assuming we know it. Try to work in more descriptions of the surroundings, actions, reactions, not just dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. That can help the characters a bit, but frankly, I hate the types you went with. One hurt introvert teen being the funny, clueless newbie. One generic friend. One tomboyish older sister-type. One emo, bullied teen becoming No. 1 badass plus his virtual love affair. No reason to care.

The game system seems limiting, boring and of questionable design, too.

In the end, I've read worse, but the question "why am I reading this again?" remained throughout.
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Old 2013-11-19, 10:28   Link #5
dragon1412
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: somewhere in Asia
mostly the same as Kadi point out, leave aside character now this is what i think about game system:
Pro:
- good settings.
- good explanation and theory .

Con :
- too many absurd restrictions :
+ party with level different maximum is 5, lead less combination and encounter, situations.
+ Maximum Friends is 50, TBH, in most MMO nowadays, if you are an active raider, you will find that their circle of friends go much further.
+ Nullified damage to prevent KS, seriously ??? doing this is suicide for a MMO, since with 0 KS, there will be people who try to troll people by steal the target, and also turn the game into a 1 man show, basically, no sudden help, no Hero saving damsel, no encounter.
+ You limited a guild members number to 100. This practically turn the game into a fight between mercenary band rather than guilds.
+ Inflation rate is too high, and there is only 1 80=90 lvl, when people get there, the game might started to deal in million already.
+ The amount of needed kills in order to lv up is fixed basically, with your calculation a lvl 1 need to kill 25 lvl 1 mob to reach 2, and lvl99 need to kill 25 lvl 99 mob( mob, not boss) to reach 100, it's make me wonder why is only 1 ever reach 80.
+ using your own face equals to no privacy, i doubt the game can become that popular if the hate ingame come to RL.
+ event prized is too cheap, balanced didn't mean much compare to the effort to reach the top of the entire server.

- for character side :
+ too much different between RL and game, there might be different, but the way you wrote it, you make me think they are 2 completely different person.
+ yea, pretty much what Kadi said, i can't see how an emo and bullied kid change so much, this is not just a matter of in game, the personality will reflected, especially in a VR where it's show your real face, Kirito personality is the same whether it's RL or in game, same goes to shiroe, i find it's hard for someone who was bullied to change so much, not to mention that his real face was practically for all to see.
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Old 2013-11-20, 05:11   Link #6
ldyrdy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kadi View Post
Skimmed over it.

Too much infodumb, too much dialogue, not enough description and no reason to care about the cliche characters.

To improve, cut down on or space out the infodump, try to work it into other descriptions. Considering your target audience, you can probably cut some of it altogether, assuming we know it. Try to work in more descriptions of the surroundings, actions, reactions, not just dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. That can help the characters a bit, but frankly, I hate the types you went with. One hurt introvert teen being the funny, clueless newbie. One generic friend. One tomboyish older sister-type. One emo, bullied teen becoming No. 1 badass plus his virtual love affair. No reason to care.

The game system seems limiting, boring and of questionable design, too.

In the end, I've read worse, but the question "why am I reading this again?" remained throughout.
yeah, i'm going to revise the first part.. i'm trying to make the dialogue alive, and move the needless info somewhere else T_T...

as for description, i'm really bad at it, so i'm still learning at how to describe the situation, setting, scenery..

as for the game system, i'm trying to make it as real as possible, no action or skill that's to grand just for the sake of entertainment,, and of course there's a reason behind that.. hehehe..

as for why you're still reading it? maybe it's interesting? hahaha...

any way, thank you for your comments, it really helped me a lot... i'm on my way to revise the first part and hopefully it can be finished in a month,,, and probably i'm on my way to write the second book too..

i think you'll find the second part more interesting though.. because i explain vaguely about the story, the character, but the second book will make all of you trying to kill me because of the development that i will write.. hehehe...

thank you for your comments and feed back... I thank you for spending your time reading this too... i'll try to come up with a better one next time...
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Old 2013-11-20, 05:16   Link #7
ldyrdy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragon1412 View Post
mostly the same as Kadi point out, leave aside character now this is what i think about game system:
Pro:
- good settings.
- good explanation and theory .

Con :
- too many absurd restrictions :
+ party with level different maximum is 5, lead less combination and encounter, situations.
+ Maximum Friends is 50, TBH, in most MMO nowadays, if you are an active raider, you will find that their circle of friends go much further.
+ Nullified damage to prevent KS, seriously ??? doing this is suicide for a MMO, since with 0 KS, there will be people who try to troll people by steal the target, and also turn the game into a 1 man show, basically, no sudden help, no Hero saving damsel, no encounter.
+ You limited a guild members number to 100. This practically turn the game into a fight between mercenary band rather than guilds.
+ Inflation rate is too high, and there is only 1 80=90 lvl, when people get there, the game might started to deal in million already.
+ The amount of needed kills in order to lv up is fixed basically, with your calculation a lvl 1 need to kill 25 lvl 1 mob to reach 2, and lvl99 need to kill 25 lvl 99 mob( mob, not boss) to reach 100, it's make me wonder why is only 1 ever reach 80.
+ using your own face equals to no privacy, i doubt the game can become that popular if the hate ingame come to RL.
+ event prized is too cheap, balanced didn't mean much compare to the effort to reach the top of the entire server.

- for character side :
+ too much different between RL and game, there might be different, but the way you wrote it, you make me think they are 2 completely different person.
+ yea, pretty much what Kadi said, i can't see how an emo and bullied kid change so much, this is not just a matter of in game, the personality will reflected, especially in a VR where it's show your real face, Kirito personality is the same whether it's RL or in game, same goes to shiroe, i find it's hard for someone who was bullied to change so much, not to mention that his real face was practically for all to see.

thank you.. i'll take your comments... so far, you're one of a few that's been into the system side.. i'll revise the system part.. hehehe...

fo character side, the emo and the bullied kid, is the same person... as for the big change, i'm trying to explain that in the next part.. hehehe... i'm writing this with a lot of thought that i want to make it as realistic as possible,, and come up with something that is within calculation...

what i mean is, i want to make you guys surprised, that it can be done that way, or, this calculation make sense, or something like that...

and so, i'm planning to revise the first part within a month, so please stay with me and help me grow to be a better writer, hehehe...
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Old 2013-11-20, 06:16   Link #8
Kadi
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Realistic game, huh... 2 things:

1) To reach level 100, you'd have to kill 5*100=500 monsters at Level+1. That's nothing. (There's the aspect of game pace, anyway. The 12 minute duel for just some dodging was ridiculously long. If the 5 monsters at level+1 are supposed to take you a long time to fight... SLOOOOOW. Better reconsider the whole thing. Then again, this is a weakness of many, many stories about RPGs... still, fix it.)

2) To sell, a game needs a way to lure players. Something that makes it special.
So far you have the generic classes and generic advanced classes. Boring nowadays, not to mention in the future.
Everyone seems to get the same skills, at the same levels. Maybe some minor difference due to attribute requirements? The difference I felt that makes is just that, minor. In the end, boring.
PvP is strictly limited to Arena battles, thus the very most basic. Boring.
Monthly events? Now, events are a good start, but the event quest seems to be the same every month? Not good.
Then there's the "Don't play with your friends" level-based partying limitation. This is truly disastrous. At least make it a sidekick system where the higher-leveled player gets temporarily limited to a reasonable power-level when playing with lower-level players.

To compare:
SAO has no classes, but Sword Skills. Everyone is a swordsman/woman. That's their way of drawing in players. (Their attribute system was horrible though)
ALO had flying, potentially limitless.
GGO drew all the gun maniacs, war gamers and shooting nuts with its focus, I think. I dropped the series~~
Half Prince... had a game system that changed itself to suit the players wants and needs, I think? If you knew what you wanted clearly enough, you could learn it ingame...
Moonlight Sculptor's MMO had the tons upon tons of classes, the right one for everyone, plus the idea of becoming emperor, or at least some lord. Plus the skill system. Plus "second life" aspects. Plus "50% more real"?
To add some real games to the mix, Aion had flying, Guild Wars 2 had Dynamic Events and no more Tank/Healer/Damagedealer, WoW had "it's Warcraft" at first and "it's the biggest" later.
Your game currently has big minuses and nothing in return. "The first" doesn't cut it, soon another will pop up. The "peaceful adventuring" which you do offer may or may not attract the "Hello Kitty Online" crowd, though. Hmm...



And then there's the fact that you cannot customize your appearance. Remove that. Just do it. It won't work. Ever. No matter how good the game, if I cannot customize my appearance, if I had to run around with my RL face, I wouldn't play it. Ever. Neither would most others. In the first place, the point of RPGs is that you can be someone else. Someone else with the same old mug in the mirror? NAHHH.
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Old 2013-11-20, 07:01   Link #9
ldyrdy
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Join Date: Nov 2013
I'm working on that... btw I'm starting to revised the book..

thank you kadi.. your comments makes me rethink the system... i'm working on that...

here's the link.. http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...nning-revised/

thank you..
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Old 2013-11-20, 07:14   Link #10
ldyrdy
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kadi View Post
Realistic game, huh... 2 things:

1) To reach level 100, you'd have to kill 5*100=500 monsters at Level+1. That's nothing. (There's the aspect of game pace, anyway. The 12 minute duel for just some dodging was ridiculously long. If the 5 monsters at level+1 are supposed to take you a long time to fight... SLOOOOOW. Better reconsider the whole thing. Then again, this is a weakness of many, many stories about RPGs... still, fix it.)

2) To sell, a game needs a way to lure players. Something that makes it special.
So far you have the generic classes and generic advanced classes. Boring nowadays, not to mention in the future.
Everyone seems to get the same skills, at the same levels. Maybe some minor difference due to attribute requirements? The difference I felt that makes is just that, minor. In the end, boring.
PvP is strictly limited to Arena battles, thus the very most basic. Boring.
Monthly events? Now, events are a good start, but the event quest seems to be the same every month? Not good.
Then there's the "Don't play with your friends" level-based partying limitation. This is truly disastrous. At least make it a sidekick system where the higher-leveled player gets temporarily limited to a reasonable power-level when playing with lower-level players.

To compare:
SAO has no classes, but Sword Skills. Everyone is a swordsman/woman. That's their way of drawing in players. (Their attribute system was horrible though)
ALO had flying, potentially limitless.
GGO drew all the gun maniacs, war gamers and shooting nuts with its focus, I think. I dropped the series~~
Half Prince... had a game system that changed itself to suit the players wants and needs, I think? If you knew what you wanted clearly enough, you could learn it ingame...
Moonlight Sculptor's MMO had the tons upon tons of classes, the right one for everyone, plus the idea of becoming emperor, or at least some lord. Plus the skill system. Plus "second life" aspects. Plus "50% more real"?
To add some real games to the mix, Aion had flying, Guild Wars 2 had Dynamic Events and no more Tank/Healer/Damagedealer, WoW had "it's Warcraft" at first and "it's the biggest" later.
Your game currently has big minuses and nothing in return. "The first" doesn't cut it, soon another will pop up. The "peaceful adventuring" which you do offer may or may not attract the "Hello Kitty Online" crowd, though. Hmm...



And then there's the fact that you cannot customize your appearance. Remove that. Just do it. It won't work. Ever. No matter how good the game, if I cannot customize my appearance, if I had to run around with my RL face, I wouldn't play it. Ever. Neither would most others. In the first place, the point of RPGs is that you can be someone else. Someone else with the same old mug in the mirror? NAHHH.
the level up system is considered in battling with real monster.. in fact, how long does it takes for a human with a sword to kill a bear?

the battle for 12 minutes is because he's just waiting the enemy HP to run out from poison... is it that long?

the selling point is the virtual reality?

the difference of every player is their combat style and approach?

Pvp can be done on duel?
i was thinking in making a safe place to play.. would you rather experience your first vr game full of crime, PK, and bad memories?

the party limit is to stop leeching? isn't that what we experience mostly in game with exp level up? leeching and kill steal? the sidekick system just like in LH? i'll consider it...

i was thinking that costumizing appearences by armor and accesories? altough the best thing in RPG is that you can be someone else... but, i'm trying to go for a realistic approach..

something that can be calculated... something that's make sense.. it's like you're jumping to a world full of monsters, but you're just you.. just normal human experiencing what its like facing a monster... that's what i have in mind though...

btw... i really appreciate your comments... ^^ thank you very much..
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Old 2013-11-20, 07:59   Link #11
dragon1412
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: somewhere in Asia
Quote:
Originally Posted by ldyrdy View Post
the level up system is considered in battling with real monster.. in fact, how long does it takes for a human with a sword to kill a bear?

the battle for 12 minutes is because he's just waiting the enemy HP to run out from poison... is it that long?

the selling point is the virtual reality?

the difference of every player is their combat style and approach?

Pvp can be done on duel?
i was thinking in making a safe place to play.. would you rather experience your first vr game full of crime, PK, and bad memories?

the party limit is to stop leeching? isn't that what we experience mostly in game with exp level up? leeching and kill steal? the sidekick system just like in LH? i'll consider it...

i was thinking that costumizing appearences by armor and accesories? altough the best thing in RPG is that you can be someone else... but, i'm trying to go for a realistic approach..

something that can be calculated... something that's make sense.. it's like you're jumping to a world full of monsters, but you're just you.. just normal human experiencing what its like facing a monster... that's what i have in mind though...

btw... i really appreciate your comments... ^^ thank you very much..
this is a problem, in a fight with bare hand, a match usually last 6 minutes at its longest and this is even shorter in a weapon fight, most Kendo match have a time limit of only 3 minutes. if you hold a weapon, the fight is extremely quick with the damage it caused.

No, VR can't be the selling point since once a technology is out, sooner or later copy with be born, the 1st do not equal the greatest, and dissect technology is simple, VR games will pop up everywhere soon when the new about VR technology is out.

No, in the cased of SAO, sword skill is near limitless with unique skill chimed in between make player can choose from all type of skill to make a play style fit them, leave aside real body technique, you make a game that's too rely on skill and class, basically, if you play warrior, you can only have this much skill in this class, and body skill without system assist can only reach so much so even tually player will go towards a limited playstyle.

No, Do you play Tera ?? if you play, you will see that in most MMORPG now, what attract people is Pvp content, not PvE since PvE content will run out with time and it's hard to implement a patch in time, so the things that keep people play is pvp, and take Tera for example, people in pvp server( basically open world pvp where a lv 60 can rape a lv 12 who just got into the field) is play much longer without quit compare to PvE server(no open world pvp, only battle ground) and remember this:
- a safe place to play must not destroy any competitive activities. True enough, crime, Pk, is not a good experiences, but remove that mean veteran player protect new player will no longer necessary, no more connection and at the same time, no more heart warming experiences.

Even with that system, players can still leech, and you are writing a novel, so it's necessary for conflict to exist, without conflict, i doubt you can write up to 4 volume. KS feeling is terrible but take an example you can use the contribution to lower the KS chance, Basically, Exp and gold distribution can be according to player contribution in taking down a monster in cased a party is not existed, so a KS who done only 1 damage at the and can get only 1 exp or so.

People play games for thing that are not realistic, they want something close to real, but at the same time, they hate it if people pried in to their real, a real face mean real identity, as i said before privacy. No one want a game where their real identity is shown, and if hater known your faces, in this case, of Kuro guy face is seen by everyone, i found it stranger that no one bullied him in RL when he insult other people in game.

I said it before but remember this: a real fight pass extremely fast, even more so with weapon present, monster or not, if they are realistic, it's the same since a blow to the brain will shut then off in 1 hit, lv 99 or lv 1.
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Old 2013-11-21, 18:10   Link #12
ldyrdy
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Join Date: Nov 2013
thank you dragon1412... i'll consider your comments...

i'm trying to make some adjustment for the game system.. hehehe...

you guys have been a great help...

thank you... I really appreciate it...
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Old 2013-11-21, 18:17   Link #13
ldyrdy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragon1412 View Post
this is a problem, in a fight with bare hand, a match usually last 6 minutes at its longest and this is even shorter in a weapon fight, most Kendo match have a time limit of only 3 minutes. if you hold a weapon, the fight is extremely quick with the damage it caused.

No, VR can't be the selling point since once a technology is out, sooner or later copy with be born, the 1st do not equal the greatest, and dissect technology is simple, VR games will pop up everywhere soon when the new about VR technology is out.

No, in the cased of SAO, sword skill is near limitless with unique skill chimed in between make player can choose from all type of skill to make a play style fit them, leave aside real body technique, you make a game that's too rely on skill and class, basically, if you play warrior, you can only have this much skill in this class, and body skill without system assist can only reach so much so even tually player will go towards a limited playstyle.

No, Do you play Tera ?? if you play, you will see that in most MMORPG now, what attract people is Pvp content, not PvE since PvE content will run out with time and it's hard to implement a patch in time, so the things that keep people play is pvp, and take Tera for example, people in pvp server( basically open world pvp where a lv 60 can rape a lv 12 who just got into the field) is play much longer without quit compare to PvE server(no open world pvp, only battle ground) and remember this:
- a safe place to play must not destroy any competitive activities. True enough, crime, Pk, is not a good experiences, but remove that mean veteran player protect new player will no longer necessary, no more connection and at the same time, no more heart warming experiences.

Even with that system, players can still leech, and you are writing a novel, so it's necessary for conflict to exist, without conflict, i doubt you can write up to 4 volume. KS feeling is terrible but take an example you can use the contribution to lower the KS chance, Basically, Exp and gold distribution can be according to player contribution in taking down a monster in cased a party is not existed, so a KS who done only 1 damage at the and can get only 1 exp or so.

People play games for thing that are not realistic, they want something close to real, but at the same time, they hate it if people pried in to their real, a real face mean real identity, as i said before privacy. No one want a game where their real identity is shown, and if hater known your faces, in this case, of Kuro guy face is seen by everyone, i found it stranger that no one bullied him in RL when he insult other people in game.

I said it before but remember this: a real fight pass extremely fast, even more so with weapon present, monster or not, if they are realistic, it's the same since a blow to the brain will shut then off in 1 hit, lv 99 or lv 1.
okay, reconsidering the level up and battle system...

reconsidering the skills and costumization system..

KS, PVP, and leeching system recalculated...

thank you for your comments... i think i finally get a good grasp at the point.. hehehe....
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Old 2013-11-21, 20:15   Link #14
ldyrdy
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The game system has been re-worked.. check it out..

http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...nning-revised/

thank you...
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Old 2013-11-21, 23:45   Link #15
Drkz
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ldyrdy View Post
I'm working on that... btw I'm starting to revised the book..

thank you kadi.. your comments makes me rethink the system... i'm working on that...

here's the link.. http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...nning-revised/

thank you..
Unless it has lolis kadi will dislike it! probably.
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Old 2013-11-22, 00:05   Link #16
dragon1412
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: somewhere in Asia
i suggest a loli too. Or better yet, a group of loli.
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Old 2013-11-22, 02:41   Link #17
ldyrdy
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Join Date: Nov 2013
hahaha... working on the loli... lol... maybe it will came out at the second book... ehehhe...
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Old 2013-11-22, 15:49   Link #18
RobotCat
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Prologue:
The prologue is unnecessary. It's a huge info dump that really doesn't tell us anything interesting. You gave us a one paragraph summary of the kind of character that the protagonist is, but it feels completely shallow and also extremely cliche. You should always use actions to show the reader the characteristics of the MC. Also, in the prologue the MC's best friend abandons him to bullies, yet in chapter 1 he doesn't have any ill feelings to his best friend?

Also, the whole interview to give exposition on the Syder is also way too much of an info dump. It's also somewhat redundant as your general audience would already be familiar with .hack or SAO, so this isn't anything new to them. People who are not familiar with those games would just be bored with it. The information isn't really important either.

Chapter 1:
There's way too much chatting with the system AI. A good thing to remember about doing exposition is to don't write it unless it's pertinent to the story at hand. It doesn't make sense for the AI to ask him to choose a class verbally, pretty much all MMOs have some kind of selection UI, where you can see all the classes and a info blurb about them.

There's no need to explain every single mechanic right off the bat. The reader would be bored if you just start talking about friend lists and inventory. Bring those things up when it's relevant, like say when the MC needs to try to get something out of his inventory or when he actually wants to add someone to the friend list.

You should throw him into the game as soon as he finishes creating his character, and have him fumble around a bit. Then turn AI into some kind of animal mascot that flies around him. Have him engage in combat immediately, then as he's getting hit have his AI point out his HP is critical, telling him where his HP bar is located. Then have the AI guide him through combat. After the battle, have him figure out how to use the inventory as he's trying to put loot into it. Don't do stat distribution until he levels up.

In general, the first chapter is kind of boring. The MC's personality is pretty bland too. You need some kind of hook to keep readers interested. A tutorial on the game systems and killing one mob is not it. Remember SAO's first episode? It was a game changer and kept viewers hooked to find out what happens next. You don't have to shake the world up that much, but you definitely need to have something happen that gets the reader invested.

You can try doing that via 1 of two ways. The first is to make the character interesting. Right now your MC is extremely generic. If you look at other LN protagonists, they usually have some defining trait that makes them stand out. For Highschool DxD, Isse's a complete pervert, for Hagani/Romantic SNAFU the main characters have a lot of snark and self delusionment, etc. Give your MC an interesting personality and have it seep through via dialogue and actions.

The other method is to have it be plot driven, so have something interesting happen at the end of chapter one. Ie, he meets the main female lead (this is pretty typical development but at least it keeps the reader interested to get to the next chapter). Or you can have some major event occur, although I wouldn't go the trapped in the game route right off the bat.
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Old 2013-11-23, 01:04   Link #19
ldyrdy
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by RobotCat View Post
Prologue:
The prologue is unnecessary. It's a huge info dump that really doesn't tell us anything interesting. You gave us a one paragraph summary of the kind of character that the protagonist is, but it feels completely shallow and also extremely cliche. You should always use actions to show the reader the characteristics of the MC. Also, in the prologue the MC's best friend abandons him to bullies, yet in chapter 1 he doesn't have any ill feelings to his best friend?

Also, the whole interview to give exposition on the Syder is also way too much of an info dump. It's also somewhat redundant as your general audience would already be familiar with .hack or SAO, so this isn't anything new to them. People who are not familiar with those games would just be bored with it. The information isn't really important either.

Chapter 1:
There's way too much chatting with the system AI. A good thing to remember about doing exposition is to don't write it unless it's pertinent to the story at hand. It doesn't make sense for the AI to ask him to choose a class verbally, pretty much all MMOs have some kind of selection UI, where you can see all the classes and a info blurb about them.

There's no need to explain every single mechanic right off the bat. The reader would be bored if you just start talking about friend lists and inventory. Bring those things up when it's relevant, like say when the MC needs to try to get something out of his inventory or when he actually wants to add someone to the friend list.

You should throw him into the game as soon as he finishes creating his character, and have him fumble around a bit. Then turn AI into some kind of animal mascot that flies around him. Have him engage in combat immediately, then as he's getting hit have his AI point out his HP is critical, telling him where his HP bar is located. Then have the AI guide him through combat. After the battle, have him figure out how to use the inventory as he's trying to put loot into it. Don't do stat distribution until he levels up.

In general, the first chapter is kind of boring. The MC's personality is pretty bland too. You need some kind of hook to keep readers interested. A tutorial on the game systems and killing one mob is not it. Remember SAO's first episode? It was a game changer and kept viewers hooked to find out what happens next. You don't have to shake the world up that much, but you definitely need to have something happen that gets the reader invested.

You can try doing that via 1 of two ways. The first is to make the character interesting. Right now your MC is extremely generic. If you look at other LN protagonists, they usually have some defining trait that makes them stand out. For Highschool DxD, Isse's a complete pervert, for Hagani/Romantic SNAFU the main characters have a lot of snark and self delusionment, etc. Give your MC an interesting personality and have it seep through via dialogue and actions.

The other method is to have it be plot driven, so have something interesting happen at the end of chapter one. Ie, he meets the main female lead (this is pretty typical development but at least it keeps the reader interested to get to the next chapter). Or you can have some major event occur, although I wouldn't go the trapped in the game route right off the bat.
hikaru is not the boy in the prologue... T_T

i spent a lot of time describing the first chapter, because i want to tell people how the game system works.. so i won't get some absurd idea that's impossible to be done within the system but i did it anyway because i didn't explain the system carefully..

of course as a big fan of SAO, they have done a great job, but if it was actually a real game, how would you want your first time playing to be? just create a character and then end up in some strange field with monster lurking around? hmmm... i don't think so...

what I mean is, if you were playing a new game, how do you know what the controls are, the user interface.. are you just log in to the game and try out a bunch of things?

of course it is a plot driven.. the first book is roughly only the introduction to the game... the second book is where the main course is served.. actually at the start i was planning to release the second book first then the first one.. but that was crazy...

btw, thank you for your comments.. hehehe.. I'm still a beginner to writing and story telling, but i'll try my best to improve.. i hope my next work can entertain you..
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Old 2013-11-23, 01:35   Link #20
RobotCat
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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It's not clear when the prologue takes place compared to chapter one. You mentioned a best friend that betrayed him but then chapter one you mention another 'friend' but it turns out it's not that person who betrayed him? It just seems a bit confusing, especially because you switch from first person in the prologue to third person in chapter 1.

The only reason I can think of for this disconnect is that the narrator in the prologue is NOT the MC in chapter 1, ie, the prologue narrator is the villain or something. If that's the case it's an interesting idea that you can work at.

Also, you can completely plan the system but you don't need to have your readers read it right off the bat. You only reveal what's necessary when it needed. Are you watching Log Horizon right now? The anime is very systems heavy, but they only bring up the relevant game systems when the plot requires it, or to setup for foreshadowing for a future event.

For example, in episode 1, the MC gets thrust into the new game world, and the game system mechanics are slowly revealed, not dumped onto him all at once. They don't figure out how combat really works until later into the episode where they're forced to fight mobs.

As a player, of course I'd read the manual, but then a lot of my experiences with other games help expedite the process. However, you have to take into account that the reader may not want to know all the gritty details if it's not pertinent. For example, you didn't start the novel with the main character waking up, brushing his teeth, or putting on his clothes right? Things like operating the inventory or friends list really don't need to be brought up. If you want to talk about it, do it when the MC needs to access the menu or friend someone.

Remember, too much exposition right off the bat is a very bad way to start things off, as it kills the pacing and makes your reader less likely to continue.

Also, you might want to check out the manhwa 'The Gamer'. It does a pretty good job of having the main character get introduced to a game system. It should be helpful as a guide to figure out when to explain details and when to push the story forward.
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