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Old 2009-10-21, 21:15   Link #3101
Ricky Controversy
Frandle & Nightbag
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Comments/Criticism are welcome.

Yotogi
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Birthplace: Amegakure
Affiliation: "Henkan" or "Return"
Elemental Alignment: Earth

Physical Appearance
Short and lean, Yotogi stands at 158 cm. (5' 2.2") and weighs 47 kg. His skin is tan and rough, sure signs of a life spent out among the elements. His feet are broad with high arches, more often than not cut up from walking the roads barefoot. His hands, though thin with long fingers, are far from delicate. The skin is hard and callous all over, and the dry tissue cracks over the knuckles. His back is strong and his posture straight, a small but sturdy neck leading up into his face.

His proud jawline is the healthiest looking feature of his otherwise worn-down face, sturdy chin resting just under a pair of wide, flat lips which still retain most of their healthy color, but are just as rough as the rest of his skin. His teeth, while mostly straight, are in poor repair, blackened and yellowed by a diet unaccompanied by basic oral hygiene. A pair of weary cyan eyes stare out from under wild, coarse locks of graying black. His cheeks are not drawn, but his rather full facial structure is offset by the perpetual presence of exhaustion.

Personality
Yotogi is amiable and charitable, given to assisting people he meets at random, but he is not the type to engage conversation. In social circumstances, he is always strictly subservient and reacts to those around him rather than initiating anything himself. Nevertheless, he answers any question asked of him honestly, if usually somewhat askance. He has a smaller-than-average vocabulary and speaks in simple terms, but he is direct and incisive, to the point that he considers one of his greatest skills to be quickly penetrating and concluding a given topic of discussion. He is methodical in all things, from the memorization of the lay of the land to the perfectionist completion of any task required of him.

He has an entirely different set of traits that run concurrent to his outward personality, however. Not strictly a distinct persona, this collection of traits is simply the detached one he employs for his shinobi work. His methodical and perceptive nature are the common link between the two modes of thought, with this second one lacking any of the kindness and generosity of the former. He is ruthless in the pursuit of an objective, though he strives to keep his emotions in check to prevent mistakes. While he adjusts his mission conduct to account for practical changes, he refuses to deviate from his path for emotional reasons.

In Yotogi's mind, the greatest effort someone can expend towards an ideal is not to die for it, but to struggle on and live for it, and the few convictions he holds, he is willing to do this for. He believes that actions speak louder than words as the old maxim goes, and dismisses the tendency to speak about one's ideals as a weak attempt to justify actions one is unsure of.

History

Born in the crowded, industrial, war-torn hell of Amegakure in the reign of Hanzou, Yotogi's childhood was touched by the fingers of death from the very beginning. Living far from the heart of the sprawling city of rain in one of the outer districts, he saw much of the worst the land had to offer. The war between foreign nations was waged within two miles of his doorstep. Encamped armies, and even the shinobi of the Rain themselves raided what little fertile land was to be found and ransacked the homes of the already poor citizens daily. Those who tried to stand up against the pillagers were often brutally humiliated and killed.

Yotogi's mother and father were young when he was born, 13 and 16 respectively. They were chuunin, neither of particular renown but capable enough to fend for themselves. When Yotogi was born, they strove to develop their skills further, hoping to earn promotion and the accompanying pay raises that would keep their child alive. Ironically, in the process, they largely abandoned their baby boy to the care of a few sympathetic neighborhood urchins: the only memories Yotogi formed of his parents were the raids they would take him on. In order to feed themselves during the worst periods of war, they had to steal from the other families in the neighborhood. This was generally accepted as the only method of survival in those times, and Yotogi quickly became desensitized to thievery, brutality, cruelty and murder.

When his parents unwisely tried to rob an Iwagakure jounin scouting the outskirts of the city and were killed for their trouble, Yotogi couldn't bring himself to feel anything special. He had no love or feeling of loss to his dead parents, no hate to the shinobi who killed them, it simply meant going through the motions of survival alone. One set of footsteps instead of three. His parents were never buried, but left to rot in an alley, unmourned.

It was around the age of twelve that Yotogi, hardened by life and having learned to cultivate his minor penchant for Earth jutsu, felt deeply discontented by the act of merely existing, and decided to see war for himself and understand. When a group of more hot-blooded boys from the same neighborhood rallied together to join the Amegakure shinobi in an effort to expel the foreigners, Yotogi followed them. The strained army of Hanzou readily accepted the children-soldiers, and sent them on minor scouting missions after one-week of what amounted to shinobi boot-camp. Despite the unimportant nature of their objectives, the death toll of Yotogi's neighborhood band was appalling. Seeing no sense in the whole situation, he simply left one day and journeyed far to the northwest, eventually after a year crossing beyond the boundaries of the known shinobi world.

It was there that a farmer woman named Khuruga found a nearly starved, filthy Yotogi collapsed on the roadside by her fields and took him in, tending him back to health. The two did not speak a word to each other for two years as Yotogi came to work her fields for her, growing strong and healthy in the process. On the second anniversary of his arrival at her home, Khuruga finally spoke her first words to Yotogi, asking him what had driven him to wander unto the verge of death. As he explained his history slowly and finally permitted himself to cry and gnash his teeth about everything he had been subjected to, he felt a drive in him that compelled him to take some action. As if in response, Khuruga offered him something he never thought he'd have: a chance to make a difference.

Khuruga explained that in her younger days, she had been a shinobi herself, but not the type who uses explosive magic spells or inhuman physical feats: a true shinobi in the old ways preceding the Rikudou Sennin's coming, a spy whose greatest weapons were their minds, who always strove for anonymity. She offered to teach him everything she knew and how to learn things she couldn't teach him herself, and he gladly accepted, with the fiery ambition of ending the era of false shinobi growing in his heart. Though he studied the martial arts necessary for survival under Khuruga, he also studied politics, economics, geography, psychology, etiquette, agriculture, alchemy and smithing, and forsook his talents for spells. Between his studies and his work tending her farm, he only had the off time to sleep and precious little of that, but he began to form a relationship not unlike the mother-son relationship he imagined he should have had before.

At the age of twenty, Khuruga announced that Yotogi's training was complete and that if he was going to truly change the world, he had to walk forward without longing or regret, and so she sent this man, this son, away to walk his difficult path. In the seven years following, Yotogi has traveled the world, working as an agent for hire in as many regions as he could while seeking out and recruiting six like-minded individuals to his cause, forming the small group referring to themselves as "Henkan", the "Return" to the days when shinobi accomplished their goals without using magic to obliterate populations.

Presently, Yotogi is trying to amass the funds and experience necessary to begin a campaign of reform throughout the ninja world, with the hope of stabilizing and scaling back the struggle between the five great villages and sparing the future the bitter ache of war.

Skills

Taijutsu: The Old Ways- With intensive study, Yotogi has trained himself to capability in a number of hand-to-hand combat styles, though foregoing the use of chakra, he lacks superhuman strength or speed, and is not anywhere close to being at the peak of even normal human ability: physical combat is only a last resort survival tool.

Weapon Arts- Yotogi is mildly proficient in several weapons, though he focuses more on understanding the principles rather than applying a specific weapon: his philosophy is to work light, so in any situation where a weapon can be improvised rather than carried onto site, he tries to be certain he knows how to use it. Even so, once again he is far from being a master of armed combat, just good enough to survive if it's needed.

Alchemy- Yotogi knows how to brew effective poisons, create incendiary mixes, dyes and herbal elixirs for a variety of purposes, though none have any sort of supernatural qualities to them.

Photographic Memory- Yotogi's childhood as a survivalist forced him to develop considerable perceptive skills and, since one rarely gets two chances to get something right in Amegakure, an efficient and reliable memory comes in handy. He puts this to great use in his work.

Deception- Yotogi's most valued skill is his trickery. Having grown up in an extended emotionless state, Yotogi is able to very easily center himself in total emotional neutrality and then affect an outward mood appropriate to the task. He is also versed in a variety of different codes of etiquette, allowing him to put on a wide range of social and cultural mannerisms. Disguise skills also fit under this header.

Dexterity- The only physical skill of Yotogi's approaching magic are his hand skills. Sleight of Hand tricks, pickpocketing and lockpicking are integral to his work.


Weaknesses

No Special Arts- Yotogi is proficient in Taijutsu by non-shinobi standards, but can't compare to the brute strength or speed of most competent genin, and has intentionally sworn off whatever latent ninjutsu or genjutsu talents he was born with. In a direct brawl with a shinobi from a major village, he is disadvantaged. He also cannot benefit from the many spying and escape techniques available to ninjutsu users.

Sleep Deprivation- Yotogi's traumatic childhood has not destroyed him, but it has left him with some permanent psychological scars. He has difficulty getting to sleep, and is easily woken when he does due to survival instincts courtesy of the Amegakure streets. He rarely sleeps more than two hours in a given twenty-four hour period, and along with this comes impaired judgment, impaired reflexes, foggy perception and feelings of heaviness. He has developed an elixir to combat this that is quite effective, but only lasts four hours or so, after which he crashes and grows more exhausted than before until he finally sleeps. Further, it is not one-hundred-percent reliable, and has at times worn off hours early, not worked at all, or worked intermittently. Excessive usage renders him very ill.

No Chakra Control- Yotogi went so far as to refuse the use of his own chakra even for functions other than jutsu in the development of his skills. As such, he cannot employ the most basic chakra abilities such as wall-walking, water-walking and genjutsu resistance. While he has ways to work around these deficiencies, they are far from the reliability or effective power of their chakra-based counterparts.
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Last edited by Ricky Controversy; 2009-10-22 at 17:07.
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Old 2009-10-22, 16:35   Link #3102
The-Wolf-Of-Mibu
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2004

Name: No one knows.
Age: Unknown
Gender: Male, Part Human part demon
What makes him Unique: He is deaf, dumb, and blind.
His Clan/Country Unknown. He dwells a pitch black forest.
His reason for fighting Unknown. He only appears from the forest to challenge any great ninja passes that passes by it.
Legend He doesn't bother killing any weak ninjas. Whenever theres a strong ninja in a group, he only attacks the strong ninja. The weak ones usually flee back and tell tales of this demon ninja to their villages. Everyonne from bounty hunters, to challengers, to entire armies have gone hunting for him. They always come back empty handed (minus the strongest ninjas from their group who get killed)

What makes him most dangerous: Pure incredible speed. Genjutsu does not work on him. Does not seem to fall into even the most clever ninja feints. Cannot speak, see or hear, and so the fight starts instantly and ruthlessly.

His weapons those crescent blades are unbreakable and incredibly sharp. They cast a giant invisble sphere of chakra around him with a radius of about a mile. By holding the blades he can detect everything within that radius.

Strongest Jutsu: An unbelievably loud and horribly piercing scream is released from his lips which rattles the listener down to their bones. He himself cannot hear it, and his body is used to it, but those around him begin to swoon and lose their sense of reality. It is neither genjutsu or ninjutsu so it cannot be dispelled. In this dazed condition, they are killed
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Old 2009-10-22, 17:02   Link #3103
AuroraFlash
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That looks like Illidan from WarCraft.
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Old 2009-10-22, 17:43   Link #3104
Ninja_Nobody
GameTag: NamikazeKing
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Location: NEW YORK
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Ricky

Ricky, Critisism is the farthest thing from your character. It is well thought out and descriptive. Kudos to you! (BTW I have no idea what Kudos means)
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Old 2009-10-22, 18:19   Link #3105
The-Wolf-Of-Mibu
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Originally Posted by AuroraFlash View Post
That looks like Illidan from WarCraft.
Image yea. Its actually just the demon hunter form of Illidan.
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Old 2009-10-22, 18:47   Link #3106
Akatsuki member Tobi
Junior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Cadiz Ky.
name:Koemetzu
Village:kuromaru
Home:he currently dwlls in a mountain cave
Story:this ninja is uniqe because he is a wealthy man due to his father but he does not use his rich's unless it's a important situation or to help the Akatsuki wich he used to be a member of, until he was assignd to kill his father and younger brother, he was kicked out of the group due to his inability to kill them. After holding a grudg for three years thay reassignd him to a even more important job among the Akatsuki, to be a spy on the leaf village, after two years he joind the Anbu and was put on Kakashi Hatake;s six man sqaud. he betrayd them in a current event that was so chilling that it made Kakashi quit the Anbu, he massacred every one in a small city in the hiddin rain village, and then turned tword his sqaud, they tried to keep him under controll but he was way to strong, unfortanatly he killed everyone on the team but Kakashi got away after having a near death experiance......!!!!!!!
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tobi,tobi,tobi,tobi,tobi,tobi,tobi. wooo hoooo he is awsome yay tobi.........................
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Old 2009-10-23, 16:56   Link #3107
Akatsuki member Tobi
Junior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Cadiz Ky.
Name: Suigamu
Sex: female
Home: Hiddin Rain village
Special jutsu: Her special jutsu requirs her chakra otherwise you cant pull it off, due to her special chakra that infus's all the biju[taild beast] in it and she unleache's their fury upon the oponite and she then can cast any kind of sealing jutsu she wants on them.
Story: Her story begins with her as a child being exspcialy gifted with her type of chakra, her mother taught her everything she knows today untill the day that the small city of Homoeasigia was attacked her mother was killed by Tsunade when she served the leaf village shinobi, though the third hokage stoped tsunade from killing Suigamu nothing could num the pain she felt in her heart. she later joind the akatsuki and soon moved up the ranks as the right hand man[or in her case lady] she eventually ploted agianst the akatsuki but was soon found out by kabuto who at the time was a spy for the akatsuki. She left the organization after being discoverd.
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tobi,tobi,tobi,tobi,tobi,tobi,tobi. wooo hoooo he is awsome yay tobi.........................
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Old 2009-10-24, 08:44   Link #3108
Ninja_Nobody
GameTag: NamikazeKing
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: NEW YORK
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Name- Kuisame Sakuranbo (Repent Shark)
Age- 23
Eye Color- Teal
Hair Color- White
Height- 5'6"
Weight- 123 lbs.
Blood Type- B negative
Rank- Tokubetsu Jonin
Village of Origin- Kirigakure
Current Location- Kirigakure
Chakra Nature- Water, Earth

Appearance
Kuisame is a tall young man with peach colored skin and long white hair. He wears a grey vest that lacks sleeves and has multiple buckles across his stomach. With this, he wears baggy black pants that are quite large at the ends, where they cut off at the knee. He wears a pair of slip on light blue shoes. With this, he carries a large two sectioned blade wrapped in a white bandage. He like most aquantances to the Seven Shinobi Swordsman of the Mist, Kuisame has noticebly sharp shark like teeth.

Jutsu

Ice Release: Diamond Dust Technique: The user will clap their hands and clench their fist sideways infront of their mouth. They wil move on to blow, releasing a cloud of dust, made from diamond particles. The small dust particles are incredibly sharp and are incredibly hard to get off, as they can cut very easily.

Ice Release: Dendrite Column- By forming the needed handseals, the user will plant their feet to the ground after a light jump. Upon hitting the floor, a large column of ice will sprout from the ground and release branch like appendages, dealing heavy close range damage.

Water Release: Heavy Flood- Kuisame will gather chakra to his mouth and release it like one would release a "Fire Style" Ninjutsu. From their mouth water will pour out and fill the area. This technique can create a lake or flood a village.

Earth Release: Eliptical Alliance- Kuisame will jump in the air and spin rapidly, followed by swiftly kicking the ground. A circular pulse will launch outward, temporarily paralyzing anyone in its range.

Biography
Born in Kirigakure, Kuisame had a rough childhood. His parents were killed in a Raid and he wass left to fend for himself. He stole from food stands and took money from stores. Oneday, he met a young Zabuza Momochi who was quite synical. The two formed a team and took on small missions for money. Oneday, they came upon a group of men known as the Seven Shinobi Swordsman of the Mist. They took Kuisame and Zabuza on as students. Many years later, they surpassed their masters and gained their swords. Kuisame gained a large blade that had two sectioned. It randomly charged a blue lightning like chakra. Years later, Zabuza defected along with Kisame and multiple other members. Kuisame is currently residing within Kirigakure and served under the 4th Mizukage Yagura and the Fifth Mizukage as well.
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Old 2009-10-25, 14:15   Link #3109
Haak
Haters Gonna Hate
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Age: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by The-Wolf-Of-Mibu View Post
Strongest Jutsu: An unbelievably loud and horribly piercing scream is released from his lips which rattles the listener down to their bones. He himself cannot hear it, and his body is used to it, but those around him begin to swoon and lose their sense of reality. It is neither genjutsu or ninjutsu so it cannot be dispelled. In this dazed condition, they are killed
Surely it can countered by the almighty Ear-Plug Jutsu?
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Old 2009-10-25, 14:49   Link #3110
Airaku
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Or the more popular I'm-immortal-so-you-can't-kill-me-anyway jutsu.
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Old 2009-10-25, 15:25   Link #3111
Ricky Controversy
Frandle & Nightbag
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Haak View Post
Surely it can countered by the almighty Ear-Plug Jutsu?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Airaku View Post
Or the more popular I'm-immortal-so-you-can't-kill-me-anyway jutsu.
You bring the headbands of conquered shinobi to this thread, you insult its godmoders, you threaten their gamebreaker jutsu with countermeasures and logic...oh, I've chosen my Mary Sues carefully, perhaps you should have done the same.

THIS. IS. FANFICTION! /boot
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Old 2009-10-25, 16:12   Link #3112
Airaku
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Ku ku…it seems my cynicism for the immortality jutsus didn’t shine through. I don’t judge who the “Mary Sues” of the thread are since I can’t bring myself to post the ones I written.
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Old 2009-10-26, 00:29   Link #3113
Keikan
Kingkiller
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Where the lava and the waterfall are struck by the shadows
Age: 22
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Well I haven't been here in a while, I've decided to post a character I came up with last night. Really I just come up with the cloak and made a B-Grade character to use it but anyway ...

Spoiler for “Lone ANBU Black Ops”:


Oh and just a note for anyone that remembers that I was talking about writing a story Naruto Gyaku a while ago, I became unsatisfied with some of the writing and with no inspiration I have put it on hold. Instead I have been working on an AU of Naruto Gyaku called Gyaku Kousen (War). If I actually type it up and email it to my beta (one Mitsu from this very thread) it will be up soon of fanfiction.net.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninja_Nobody View Post
Name- Kuisame Sakuranbo (Repent Shark)
Age- 23
Eye Color- Teal
Hair Color- White
Height- 5'6"
Weight- 123 lbs.
Blood Type- B negative
Rank- Tokubetsu Jonin
Village of Origin- Kirigakure
Current Location- Kirigakure
Chakra Nature- Water, Earth

Appearance
Kuisame is a tall young man with peach colored skin and long white hair. He wears a grey vest that lacks sleeves and has multiple buckles across his stomach. With this, he wears baggy black pants that are quite large at the ends, where they cut off at the knee. He wears a pair of slip on light blue shoes. With this, he carries a large two sectioned blade wrapped in a white bandage. He like most aquantances to the Seven Shinobi Swordsman of the Mist, Kuisame has noticebly sharp shark like teeth.

Jutsu

Ice Release: Diamond Dust Technique: The user will clap their hands and clench their fist sideways infront of their mouth. They wil move on to blow, releasing a cloud of dust, made from diamond particles. The small dust particles are incredibly sharp and are incredibly hard to get off, as they can cut very easily.

Ice Release: Dendrite Column- By forming the needed handseals, the user will plant their feet to the ground after a light jump. Upon hitting the floor, a large column of ice will sprout from the ground and release branch like appendages, dealing heavy close range damage.

Water Release: Heavy Flood- Kuisame will gather chakra to his mouth and release it like one would release a "Fire Style" Ninjutsu. From their mouth water will pour out and fill the area. This technique can create a lake or flood a village.

Earth Release: Eliptical Alliance- Kuisame will jump in the air and spin rapidly, followed by swiftly kicking the ground. A circular pulse will launch outward, temporarily paralyzing anyone in its range.

Biography
Born in Kirigakure, Kuisame had a rough childhood. His parents were killed in a Raid and he wass left to fend for himself. He stole from food stands and took money from stores. Oneday, he met a young Zabuza Momochi who was quite synical. The two formed a team and took on small missions for money. Oneday, they came upon a group of men known as the Seven Shinobi Swordsman of the Mist. They took Kuisame and Zabuza on as students. Many years later, they surpassed their masters and gained their swords. Kuisame gained a large blade that had two sectioned. It randomly charged a blue lightning like chakra. Years later, Zabuza defected along with Kisame and multiple other members. Kuisame is currently residing within Kirigakure and served under the 4th Mizukage Yagura and the Fifth Mizukage as well.
Awesome, awesome, did I forget to mention awesome? The same high standard we here have come to know and love (platonically of course).

Quote:
Originally Posted by The-Wolf-Of-Mibu View Post

Name: No one knows.
Age: Unknown
Gender: Male, Part Human part demon
What makes him Unique: He is deaf, dumb, and blind.
His Clan/Country Unknown. He dwells a pitch black forest.
His reason for fighting Unknown. He only appears from the forest to challenge any great ninja passes that passes by it.
Legend He doesn't bother killing any weak ninjas. Whenever theres a strong ninja in a group, he only attacks the strong ninja. The weak ones usually flee back and tell tales of this demon ninja to their villages. Everyonne from bounty hunters, to challengers, to entire armies have gone hunting for him. They always come back empty handed (minus the strongest ninjas from their group who get killed)

What makes him most dangerous: Pure incredible speed. Genjutsu does not work on him. Does not seem to fall into even the most clever ninja feints. Cannot speak, see or hear, and so the fight starts instantly and ruthlessly.

His weapons those crescent blades are unbreakable and incredibly sharp. They cast a giant invisble sphere of chakra around him with a radius of about a mile. By holding the blades he can detect everything within that radius.

Strongest Jutsu: An unbelievably loud and horribly piercing scream is released from his lips which rattles the listener down to their bones. He himself cannot hear it, and his body is used to it, but those around him begin to swoon and lose their sense of reality. It is neither genjutsu or ninjutsu so it cannot be dispelled. In this dazed condition, they are killed
Ok this character, while not being bad, is rather OP. Deaf, dumb AND blind but still a top shinobi? This isn't very pausible; one no-one would train him it would be too risky from them, two there is a high chance of inadvertantly attacking comrades.

Maybe it would be plausible if he was a Chunin rank shinobi he might be able to get away with it but as he is? No. And if he became blind, deaf and dumb after he had these super abilites also a no because I don't know if you've ever, for fun, blindfolded yourself or put really good earmuffs on but you really hugely on your senses even if you don't realise it. While speech isn't the worst to loose a kunai through through the air would pretty much the auxillary sense of touch which would be dominate and he would fall easily.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy View Post
You bring the headbands of conquered shinobi to this thread, you insult its godmoders, you threaten their gamebreaker jutsu with countermeasures and logic...oh, I've chosen my Mary Sues carefully, perhaps you should have done the same.

THIS. IS. FANFICTION! /boot
Ok most of that doesn't make sense. I get that you are quoting a big speech probably King Leonidas from 300 if I'm not mistaken but still no sense.

FYI this is not fanfiction in the usual sense. Fanfiction is the use of characters and plot from an existing medium and manipulating it into your own version or story. This thread is more about creativity than than. It (at least was once) preferred that you try to stay away from things like the Sharingan or the Byakugan and try not to have your characters interact with main characters from the Naruto series or the Shippuuden series. There is little creativity in using anothers work to prop up a B-Grade character.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Airaku View Post
Ku ku…it seems my cynicism for the immortality jutsus didn’t shine through. I don’t judge who the “Mary Sues” of the thread are since I can’t bring myself to post the ones I written.
I agreed with your view on the immortality jutsu but not so much on the Mary Sues. Mary Sues are, usually, in no way an expression of your own creativity which this thread is all about. It's not a thread for
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I have stolen princesses back from sleeping barrow kings. I burned down the town of Trebon. I have spent the night with Felurian and left with both my sanity and my life. I was expelled from the University at a younger age than most people are allowed in. I tread paths by moonlight that others fear to speak of during day. I have talked to Gods, loved women, and written songs that make the minstrels weep.

My name is Kvothe. You may have heard of me.
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Old 2009-10-26, 01:56   Link #3114
The-Wolf-Of-Mibu
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keikan View Post


Ok this character, while not being bad, is rather OP. Deaf, dumb AND blind but still a top shinobi? This isn't very pausible; one no-one would train him it would be too risky from them, two there is a high chance of inadvertantly attacking comrades.

Maybe it would be plausible if he was a Chunin rank shinobi he might be able to get away with it but as he is? No. And if he became blind, deaf and dumb after he had these super abilites also a no because I don't know if you've ever, for fun, blindfolded yourself or put really good earmuffs on but you really hugely on your senses even if you don't realise it. While speech isn't the worst to loose a kunai through through the air would pretty much the auxillary sense of touch which would be dominate and he would fall easily.
thats why I mentioned two things. (1) he is part demon. He is not fully human so his communication abilities may not even have anything to do with human beings because he doesn't talk to them. Maybe his teacher was a forest spirit or something. (2) Notice what I said about his weapons. They are special blades which leak invisble chakra around him over a huge radius. By touching the blades he gets a mental picture of his surroundings based on the way the chakra is being disturbed. If a branch falls he knows it. If something is creeping behind some bushes he knows it. If you throw something he knows it. All because the huge chakra sphere around him is being disturbed.

You can think of it kind of like what Neji did when he was fighting the spider guy. Neji had a blindspot behind his byakugan which was being attacked. Desperate he began to leak chakra in that direction only, and was able to dodge the arrow at the last second because he felt it disturbing the chakra in his blind spot. The ninja i'm suggesting operates similarly to that. Except his chakra field detection is much much greater because all of his other senses are useless. Kind of like a blind person who's hearing overcompensates.
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Old 2009-10-26, 02:01   Link #3115
Airaku
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Originally Posted by Keikan View Post
Ok this character, while not being bad, is rather OP. Deaf, dumb AND blind but still a top shinobi? This isn't very pausible; one no-one would train him it would be too risky from them, two there is a high chance of inadvertantly attacking comrades.
You donít need to be able see, hear, or talk to be a shinobi you just need to kick ass on pure instinct.
Plus a deaf dumb blind shinobi is always aware of the importance of not being able to see or hear the enemy coming.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keikan View Post
FYI this is not fanfiction in the usual sense. Fanfiction is the use of characters and plot from an existing medium and manipulating it into your own version or story. This thread is more about creativity than than. It (at least was once) preferred that you try to stay away from things like the Sharingan or the Byakugan and try not to have your characters interact with main characters from the Naruto series or the Shippuuden series. There is little creativity in using anothers work to prop up a B-Grade character.
Since itís all fan fiction (creativity) anyway why not use character from the original since your already using everything else.

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Originally Posted by Keikan View Post
I agreed with your view on the immortality jutsu but not so much on the Mary Sues. Mary Sues are, usually, in no way an expression of your own creativity which this thread is all about. It's not a thread for
Itís a thread for...cliffhangers?
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Old 2009-10-26, 02:43   Link #3116
Akachou
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Originally Posted by AuroraFlash View Post
1. General Information
Name : Sakuzen Kosui aka "Ivory"
Gender: Female
Age: 32
Hair Color: white
Eye Color: white with a slightly purple translucent discoloration
Skin Color: pale (white)
Height: 1,74 m
Weight: 49 kg
Class (Rank): Special Jounin (S-rank)
Affiliation: Kirigakure (Village Hidden in the Mist)
Chakra Nature(s): Salt (kekkei genkai), Suiton (water), Fuuton (wind) and Doton(earth)

2. Appearance/Clothes
Kosui has a slender body. She wears a white diving-suit, white knee-length boots and white diving goggles with a mirrored lense. Her jounin waistcoat is white and can be used as a life-jacket. The jounin logo can be seen on her diving-suit's shoulders.
Outside water, in dry and cold areas, she also wears a white coat with a cowl. She wears a headband around her waist.

3. Personality
She's a talkative, cold-blooded killer. She actually talks quite a lot, even though she looks like the silent type, which makes her an exceptional personality. She also uses to talk with her enemies and challenges them not to lose their pose. She has some friends as people in Kirigakure are pretty much sadist and sublime, just like she is. You could somehow compare her and her friends to Kisame concerning personalities. Kisame was actually a good friend of her before he left the village. She felt betrayed as she actually had a crush on him, but as she isn't used to regret her deeds, she's overcome this for good.
3.1. Food
Kosui likes fish Ė raw and grilled fish, sushi, fish pie, salmon carpaccio, shrimps, all kinds of seafood and rice. She dislikes sweets and fruits.

3.2. Recreation
As her father was a monk and her mother was the daughter of a fisherman, she uses to do a lot of meditation each morning at the jetty of the house she lives in. She loves training with others and talking down on them. She has a lot of fun provoking them. Since she's pretty avaricious, she does fishing. On the other hand, she can't resist sake and plum wineÖ
4. Weapons
She uses two giant silver shuriken sealed in the back of her suit, so she actually takes her hands behind her back and pulls out two giant shuriken, which are chakra-sensitive and absorb her wind element chakra. The reflective surface of the shuriken makes it harder for enemies to dodge.
She also has a chakra-absorbing wakizashi which is attached to her belt / headband.

5. Salt Ė a story of tears and bloodline limits
The former noble clan of Sakuzen was slaughtered. Nearly none survived the bloody slaughter, but Kosui's mother, Anei, escaped to a monastery, where she lived for three years and conceived Kosui. When Kosui was two years old, people had found out about Anei's location and called for the monastery to cough her up Ė and so they did. Kosui's father Dou had to struggle with his tears as it was a top secret that he was Kosui's father. If the monks would have known about this, they would have handed both the child and her father over to the violent mob aswell, but since they didn't know that, they kept Kosui hidden.

Kosui was trained from her 4th birthday on. The monks were experienced in molding chakra and ballancing it by meditation aswell asÖ
5.1 Sou Kata
the monk-style taijutsu, which basically aplifies one's strength by infusing the muscles with chakra. Of course it requires meditation. The longer you use it, the more engergy is used up. It puts a strain on your muscles, but not as harsh as Konoha's Lotus or Hachimon, because you slowly enfuse your muscles with chakra. The downsides are that you can't activate it in battle, that it requires 30% of the user's chakra and after exhausting the technique, you feel your sore muscles.
5.2 Salt
Despite the crystal element, salt is weak against water respectively will lose its solid form when attacked by water. This of course depends on the mass of water and the mass of salt created. Salt can pierce and crush, but that's just the regular stuff. The most skilled users of salt can control diffusion and brutally kill people. It's also possible to extract minerals from the targets' bodies.
Of course she also uses it to preserve fish and meat.
Since her chakra ressources are rather small, Kosui has to pay attention to it when using her ninjutsu techniques. Furthermore, her kekkei genkai is her secret and she's not supposed to show it in public. She uses it solely to kill and with no spectators around. Her forbidden kekkei genkai is her reason to often use her regular elementally recomposed techniques.
Ömore details following (break's up again, sorry)
Interesting. I like it.
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Old 2009-10-27, 03:13   Link #3117
Keikan
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Where the lava and the waterfall are struck by the shadows
Age: 22
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Originally Posted by The-Wolf-Of-Mibu View Post
thats why I mentioned two things. (1) he is part demon. He is not fully human so his communication abilities may not even have anything to do with human beings because he doesn't talk to them. Maybe his teacher was a forest spirit or something. (2) Notice what I said about his weapons. They are special blades which leak invisble chakra around him over a huge radius. By touching the blades he gets a mental picture of his surroundings based on the way the chakra is being disturbed. If a branch falls he knows it. If something is creeping behind some bushes he knows it. If you throw something he knows it. All because the huge chakra sphere around him is being disturbed.

You can think of it kind of like what Neji did when he was fighting the spider guy. Neji had a blindspot behind his byakugan which was being attacked. Desperate he began to leak chakra in that direction only, and was able to dodge the arrow at the last second because he felt it disturbing the chakra in his blind spot. The ninja i'm suggesting operates similarly to that. Except his chakra field detection is much much greater because all of his other senses are useless. Kind of like a blind person who's hearing overcompensates.
Oops must have missed that part. That is actually quite a good explanation of it ... though I personally think the second reason is better than the first.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Airaku View Post
You donít need to be able see, hear, or talk to be a shinobi you just need to kick ass on pure instinct.
Plus a deaf dumb blind shinobi is always aware of the importance of not being able to see or hear the enemy coming.
Pure instinct wouldn't kick in unless you know something is coming at you. So it doesn't work without Mibu's explanation which makes this comment null.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Airaku View Post
Since itís all fan fiction (creativity) anyway why not use character from the original since your already using everything else.
Actually if you look for a definition of fanfiction on Google (while possibly not being the most reliable site) means stories so by definition this is not fanfiction at all. As I said if you do use characters from the Naruto or Shippuuden series it just makes it look as if your character needs a prop to complete, true creativity is where you don't need a prop to complete a character.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Airaku View Post
Itís a thread for...cliffhangers?
LOL Sorry mind went on a different tangent.
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Old 2009-10-27, 17:07   Link #3118
Airaku
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Actually if you look for a definition of fanfiction on Google (while possibly not being the most reliable site) means stories so by definition this is not fanfiction at all. As I said if you do use characters from the Naruto or Shippuuden series it just makes it look as if your character needs a prop to complete, true creativity is where you don't need a prop to complete a character.
In that sense the whole Naruto universe is a prop/stage that complements your character. Ninja villages, chakra, justu, genin, chunin, jonin, kage there all ideas Kishi put together to make Naruto. If you are going to use all those things why not use Kishi characters as well, it's not like your hurting anybody by doing it.

There's no such thing as "true creativity" anyway, most ideas are put together as result of random experiences and influences. So there's creative, not creative and plagiarism, there's no such complicated thing as true or fake creativity.

Most people that post here are only trying to express their imagination. Maybe your just pushing your opinion on other people, because you don't want see the original characters misused?
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Old 2009-10-27, 17:23   Link #3119
The-Wolf-Of-Mibu
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edit ...........
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Old 2009-10-27, 19:14   Link #3120
Mitsu
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Central Illinois
Age: 17
I have Naruto writers block. I can write everything else pretty well except these chara's....
Do not apply any current-Naruto happenings to my chara, please. I'v not read it in months.

Name: Miori Sashanna
Age/Date of Birth: 17/ December 2
Gender: Male
Orientation: Hetrosexual
Blood type: AB-
Village: Kumogakure
Overall Personality: Miori is weak emotionally and physically, and he's pretty quiet and to himself most of the time. Other times, he's very hyper and fun to be around. In battle, he enjoys just staying in back casting different Ninjutsu that he'd learned, but sometimes he'd go close up if his mission called for it. He is weak physically, but if you get him pissed, get out of the way!
Likes: mountains, red, hanging out with friends, running, practicing nin-gen, his own imagination inside his brain that he releases often....
Dislikes: Taijutsu, forests, flat-lands, rain, pink, people teasing him, complicated missions.
Fears: Aquaphobia, and Astraphobia (Water, Lightning and Thunder)
______

Ninja Rank: half genin... I dunno, he goes on some missions alone.
Weapons: Kunai, Shuriken
elements: Air
Ninjutsu: 4.5
Genjutsu: 4.5
Taijutsu: 2
Sensei: Kata Raiges
Teammates: Raiki Mannasaki, Lirra Koleske
Extra: Miori is depended on alot in dry weather, but otherwise, his teammates and Sensei keep him in in the middle of the group just in case, though they doubt he would run, they knew he'd be shaken up and slower. Miori masters in Ninjutsu and Genjutsu. He's also as quiet as a church mouse during times where time calls to be, well, quiet.
_______

Appearance

Clothing: He normally wears a small sweater with buttons that is black and dark blue. It is actually a very mobile sweater, despite the way is sort of looks. Miori's pants are dark blue, and looks black unless you look at it in the sun. On his upper arm, is his headband and a small necklace with a gemstone on it.
Eyes: Miori has dark green eyes, that seem to glow at times, or look very cold and desolate.
Hair: He has brown hair that just barely goes down past his ears.
Body: Miori is very thin and weak looking.
Weight: 109
Height: 5'7
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Last edited by Mitsu; 2009-10-28 at 18:29. Reason: Finishing most of it
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