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Old 2007-12-13, 05:11   Link #321
Samari
World's Greatest
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Francisco
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by xris View Post
A point I would like to make is that being friends does not automatically have romantic connotations.

Very often, males (especially teenage males) seems to think that any sort of friendship shown by a girl is equal to romantic interest. Sometimes (very often) all the girl is looking for is friendshp, and that has nothing to do with romance (let alone anything more).
Oh yeah I know, I know. She just wants to be my friend...I think. And at this point, now that I've taken a step back and realized some things, that's all I should be concerned about.
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Old 2007-12-13, 12:46   Link #322
Ledgem
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xris offered dating advice! Amazing!!

As others have said, don't push it, but don't just sit back and do nothing. Some girls would want a higher relationship with you based off of first impressions. For others, feeling that someone is interested in you can have a very strong impact. I've blabbed my story a few times on the forum so this may be redundant to you, but I'm with my girlfriend (for two years now) because of that. We met and had completely no interest in each other based off of first impressions. A misunderstanding led her to believe that I had an interest in her, which caused her to have an interest in me and learn more about me. She liked what she saw, and started pursuing me. I was clueless during this whole process, mind you, and it wasn't until maybe a month after she'd been after me that my sister pointed it out. Once it was pointed out, I started to have an interest in her.

I think it's easier to tip males toward having an interest, but I'm saying that as a male. Establish at least a ground friendship first, and then you can start to be charming if you want.

I think telperionflower's post was very good but I disagreed with that last part. The big things to overcome aren't really fear - for many it's the strong desire to have a relationship. That desire makes your thoughts unclear and causes you to behave abnormally around certain girls. It also generates a feeling of loneliness, which feeds into making the desire even stronger. The problem is that when you're in that sort of a state, you're probably decreasing your chances of being able to get into a relationship at all, but you're also increasing your chances of getting into a bad relationship. I'm largely speaking from my own experiences, but I've heard enough people express similar sentiments that I believe it's a common feeling.

American dating culture doesn't help, either. I didn't start dating until I was basically a month away from being 20 years old. In truth, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I can remember people in middle school "dating" (put in quotes as I'm not sure I'd classify it as really dating at that point). So it's not just the fact that you desire the companionship and all of a relationship, but that you become self-aware that you are the age you are, and you haven't dated even once. From a psychological standpoint more relationships is definitely not better, and I think we know deep down that it doesn't matter what age you start or how many you go through as long as you get the right one, but it's hard. It's a game of waiting and uncertainty, knowing that you have little to no control over what will happen. It's a very unsettling feeling, especially when you want it.

I'm not a religious person, but this is where the concept of faith comes into play. Control what aspects you can (your appearence, perhaps hobbies and interests, personality, charm, and the type of people you meet and the places you go - you won't meet anyone by staying in your room the whole time!), and then for the rest, you need to let go. Don't be so concerned with forcing relationships, but if you have an opportunity to talk to a girl, seize it. Don't chase anyone, but be observant and note whether you're being chased or when you can escalate a relationship. Above all, you need to control your desire and try to be content as you are. If you're in that state, you'll better be able to move forward on the relationship front.
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Old 2007-12-13, 13:12   Link #323
telperionflower
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
xris
The big things to overcome aren't really fear - for many it's the strong desire to have a relationship. That desire makes your thoughts unclear and causes you to behave abnormally around certain girls. It also generates a feeling of loneliness, which feeds into making the desire even stronger. The problem is that when you're in that sort of a state, you're probably decreasing your chances of being able to get into a relationship at all, but you're also increasing your chances of getting into a bad relationship. I'm largely speaking from my own experiences, but I've heard enough people express similar sentiments that I believe it's a common feeling.

American dating culture doesn't help, either. I didn't start dating until I was basically a month away from being 20 years old. In truth, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I can remember people in middle school "dating" (put in quotes as I'm not sure I'd classify it as really dating at that point). So it's not just the fact that you desire the companionship and all of a relationship, but that you become self-aware that you are the age you are, and you haven't dated even once. From a psychological standpoint more relationships is definitely not better, and I think we know deep down that it doesn't matter what age you start or how many you go through as long as you get the right one, but it's hard. It's a game of waiting and uncertainty, knowing that you have little to no control over what will happen. It's a very unsettling feeling, especially when you want it.
Ya, you're probably right about that.
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Old 2007-12-13, 20:27   Link #324
Samari
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Francisco
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
xris offered dating advice! Amazing!!

As others have said, don't push it, but don't just sit back and do nothing. Some girls would want a higher relationship with you based off of first impressions. For others, feeling that someone is interested in you can have a very strong impact. I've blabbed my story a few times on the forum so this may be redundant to you, but I'm with my girlfriend (for two years now) because of that. We met and had completely no interest in each other based off of first impressions. A misunderstanding led her to believe that I had an interest in her, which caused her to have an interest in me and learn more about me. She liked what she saw, and started pursuing me. I was clueless during this whole process, mind you, and it wasn't until maybe a month after she'd been after me that my sister pointed it out. Once it was pointed out, I started to have an interest in her.

I think it's easier to tip males toward having an interest, but I'm saying that as a male. Establish at least a ground friendship first, and then you can start to be charming if you want.

I think telperionflower's post was very good but I disagreed with that last part. The big things to overcome aren't really fear - for many it's the strong desire to have a relationship. That desire makes your thoughts unclear and causes you to behave abnormally around certain girls. It also generates a feeling of loneliness, which feeds into making the desire even stronger. The problem is that when you're in that sort of a state, you're probably decreasing your chances of being able to get into a relationship at all, but you're also increasing your chances of getting into a bad relationship. I'm largely speaking from my own experiences, but I've heard enough people express similar sentiments that I believe it's a common feeling.

American dating culture doesn't help, either. I didn't start dating until I was basically a month away from being 20 years old. In truth, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I can remember people in middle school "dating" (put in quotes as I'm not sure I'd classify it as really dating at that point). So it's not just the fact that you desire the companionship and all of a relationship, but that you become self-aware that you are the age you are, and you haven't dated even once. From a psychological standpoint more relationships is definitely not better, and I think we know deep down that it doesn't matter what age you start or how many you go through as long as you get the right one, but it's hard. It's a game of waiting and uncertainty, knowing that you have little to no control over what will happen. It's a very unsettling feeling, especially when you want it.

I'm not a religious person, but this is where the concept of faith comes into play. Control what aspects you can (your appearence, perhaps hobbies and interests, personality, charm, and the type of people you meet and the places you go - you won't meet anyone by staying in your room the whole time!), and then for the rest, you need to let go. Don't be so concerned with forcing relationships, but if you have an opportunity to talk to a girl, seize it. Don't chase anyone, but be observant and note whether you're being chased or when you can escalate a relationship. Above all, you need to control your desire and try to be content as you are. If you're in that state, you'll better be able to move forward on the relationship front.
Thank you. I think I know what you mean. It's just...difficult for me to be content after being patient for quite some time. But I will try and learn to control what I can and learn my limitations of that control.
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Old 2007-12-13, 20:57   Link #325
Ledgem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluejazz87 View Post
Thank you. I think I know what you mean. It's just...difficult for me to be content after being patient for quite some time. But I will try and learn to control what I can and learn my limitations of that control.
I probably experienced exactly what you're going through. I started thinking that maybe if I didn't date before I was 20, I'd be single forever. It probably contributed to issues with self-confidence. I'm not the party type, and yet it seemed like the social scene at my university was all about parties and alcohol. Even if I could meet a girl, how would it have worked out? Would I have to change myself so drastically so that we'd be compatible? Then I met a very attractive girl, and even better, I had some connections to her. She and I shared some interests. It started to eat away at me, and when I finally made up my mind to ask her out, it took me a week. It was pure torture. When I finally willed up the courage, she gently rejected me.

That was the first time I'd asked a girl out, and I guess that just getting it out of my system was comforting in and of itself. In hindsight, I went about it the wrong way. But hindsight also affords me the knowledge that she was definitely not my type. After that experience I became a bit more confident, and I don't remember being quite so desperate. That was almost three years ago - amazing how much has changed.

Remember what you're going through now. Once you get into a relationship, it all feels like being single was a dream. And there are times when you take what you have for granted. I feel ashamed and guilty to say it, but I know there have been times when I have. When you remember how it felt before the relationship, I think it makes you appreciate it more.

Either way, I'm really pulling for you. It may sound ridiculous, but I'm really looking forward to the day when you post back to us and tell us that something clicked and now you're happily together with someone. And perhaps then you'll be beating me to making posts about how things just happen, and relationships can form under the most random of circumstances - even when you're not actively looking for one.
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Old 2007-12-13, 21:16   Link #326
Samari
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Thanks for your support. I just hope, and pray that I have a decent shot and making something special happen with this person. It seems there are quite a lot of obstacles in my way...the most difficult being myself ironically. Or so it appears. God I hope something happens. God I hope.
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Old 2007-12-16, 23:05   Link #327
Darkman.exe213
Yurippe is mai waifu
 
 
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I have a somewhat odd question. I'm really good friends with the girl I like, and we might actually start going out soon. However, we're nothing alike. I don't share any of her interests, and she doesn't share any of mine. Is it likely that our relationship will last long if we did start dating?
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Old 2007-12-16, 23:31   Link #328
TinyRedLeaf
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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^ Ever heard of the saying, "Opposites attract?" In any case, don't worry. You couldn't have become good friends without having at least something in common in the first place.

As for how long the relationship might last, well, you won't know till you've tried.
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Old 2007-12-17, 00:25   Link #329
Ledgem
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In terms of being alike, what really matters are your virtues and values. To use an extreme example, if you're not into alcohol consumption and the girl loves getting wasted every moment she can, there are going to be problems. I've read that statistically speaking, the #1 factor that determines whether a relationship will last in the long term or not is whether the views on family and having children match - it makes sense.

Otherwise, don't worry about it. If you're both compatible in terms of personality, you'll find and establish common interests. As always, be respectful of each other's differences. I'd imagine there'd only be trouble if you both had some interests that conflicted with each other.
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Old 2007-12-17, 18:34   Link #330
Syaoran
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Join Date: Dec 2005
This might be a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask it anyway... And it's directed to the guys who aren't homosexual.

How would you react when a guy you know would tell you he likes you very much and you didn't even know that person was gay?

I've no clue on how someone might react to this... if I ever gather the courage to tell. And I don't even know what he's into: I'm afraid to ask and he's not talkative on those matters either. The last thing I'd want is to make him feel uncomfortable or even angry.
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Old 2007-12-17, 22:04   Link #331
deathreape98
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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I would ask him what he meant by that, as in very much as a friend, or wanting more. If it's the latter, I wouldn't change my veiws on him or like him less- you should be able to love who you love. However, I would make it clear to him that I am heterosexual and I don't want a relationship.

~Death
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Old 2007-12-17, 22:14   Link #332
Darkman.exe213
Yurippe is mai waifu
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinyRedLeaf View Post
^ Ever heard of the saying, "Opposites attract?" In any case, don't worry. You couldn't have become good friends without having at least something in common in the first place.
we ended up becoming good friends because we worked at a daycamp together and ended up spending a lot of time together there. How that happened is beyond me.

Ah well. Thanks for the advice guys. I'll just see how it works out.
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Old 2007-12-17, 23:03   Link #333
Fome
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syaoran View Post
This might be a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask it anyway... And it's directed to the guys who aren't homosexual.

How would you react when a guy you know would tell you he likes you very much and you didn't even know that person was gay?

I've no clue on how someone might react to this... if I ever gather the courage to tell. And I don't even know what he's into: I'm afraid to ask and he's not talkative on those matters either. The last thing I'd want is to make him feel uncomfortable or even angry.
This happened to me. He was a great friend, and I was very flattered when he "came out" to me. I basically said, "but, I like girls..." No harm done, he just needed to get it off his chest. We still are good friends, and I always describe him as the person who knows my mind better than anyone. He's coming back into town soon, and I can't wait to see him.

Last edited by Fome; 2007-12-18 at 03:23.
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Old 2007-12-18, 02:08   Link #334
tripperazn
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syaoran View Post
This might be a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask it anyway... And it's directed to the guys who aren't homosexual.

How would you react when a guy you know would tell you he likes you very much and you didn't even know that person was gay?

I've no clue on how someone might react to this... if I ever gather the courage to tell. And I don't even know what he's into: I'm afraid to ask and he's not talkative on those matters either. The last thing I'd want is to make him feel uncomfortable or even angry.
As much as I'd love to say, "he would definitely be fine with it and won't judge you, whatever happens", realistically, I think it depends where you live. If you live in Europe or the Coastal US (like me, so I might be biased here), chances are there would be no negative consequence.

I'm a conservative type who needs some reassurance when asking a girl out, scoping them out with questions beforehand is a requirement of mine. Don't do it all at once, since he might figure out what you're getting at. Make it subtle, and the transition natural, guide the conversation as necessary. This might be too roundabout for guys, since we usually get straight to the point, so maybe find a news article relating to gay rights and talk about that briefly. Just hear his thoughts and weigh the risks.
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Old 2007-12-18, 02:21   Link #335
Vestus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Syaoran View Post
This might be a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask it anyway... And it's directed to the guys who aren't homosexual.

How would you react when a guy you know would tell you he likes you very much and you didn't even know that person was gay?

I've no clue on how someone might react to this... if I ever gather the courage to tell. And I don't even know what he's into: I'm afraid to ask and he's not talkative on those matters either. The last thing I'd want is to make him feel uncomfortable or even angry.
I would probably respond, "Dude, I love you too." Unless, I knew he was gay. Then, the depending on his personality he would try to hug me, hold hands, kiss me, etc.

If he tried to hug me, well I wouldn't think much of it and hug him.

If he tried to do something that I would only do with girls, well I would push him off (prolly violently b/c I would be freaked). Then, I would say, "Hey man, you could of told me you were gay b/c I'm not and I only like girls, sorry. It's not like you're not a good-looking guy w/ a great personality. It's just disgusting for me to do have a romantic relationship with a guy. No offense, man. It's cool you're gay, and I have nothing against that, just don't hit on me please. Oh, and don't worry, I don't hate you or anything, just surprised."

I don't think that would happen b/c I'm very vocal about hot women. For example, I would see a cute chick walk by and I would say, "Man, that girl was cute."
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Old 2007-12-18, 11:27   Link #336
raikage
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Join Date: Nov 2003
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Age: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syaoran View Post
This might be a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask it anyway... And it's directed to the guys who aren't homosexual.

How would you react when a guy you know would tell you he likes you very much and you didn't even know that person was gay?

I've no clue on how someone might react to this... if I ever gather the courage to tell. And I don't even know what he's into: I'm afraid to ask and he's not talkative on those matters either. The last thing I'd want is to make him feel uncomfortable or even angry.
I'd be surprised, then I'd tell him I wasn't gay. I wouldn't hate him or anything, though. Perhaps my attitude does have to do with where I live.
<-- *looks at location*

Many straight guys do have a solid gay-dar, though -- much more astute than most gay people I actually do know who, oddly enough, do not have a functional gaydar -- so as for the person in your example, his friends might already have a solid suspicion and not be as surprised as one might think. ^_^
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Old 2007-12-18, 12:35   Link #337
kayos
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Syaoran View Post
This might be a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask it anyway... And it's directed to the guys who aren't homosexual.

How would you react when a guy you know would tell you he likes you very much and you didn't even know that person was gay?

I've no clue on how someone might react to this... if I ever gather the courage to tell. And I don't even know what he's into: I'm afraid to ask and he's not talkative on those matters either. The last thing I'd want is to make him feel uncomfortable or even angry.
Well it actually depends on how long I've known him or how close we are. If it's just another co-worker, then yes it would be awkward and uncomfortable. But if we've been friends for awhile, it wouldn't damper the relationship... unless he's a homophobe.

As for my reaction, I would just apologize and say "I'm not gay."
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Old 2007-12-18, 19:16   Link #338
Syaoran
Contemplating Naruto
 
 
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Looks like most people are quite ok with it.

Well... although gay marriage is legal here and same-sex parenting as well I often hear very negative comments from other people, even family... I basically kept this a secret for myself and tried to suppress it and didn't even want to accept the fact that I preferred boys ever since high school. I only came to peace not so long ago with the fact that there's nothing I can do to change it.

Only a few friends at university know about it and they're ok with it, which is a relief. My parents don't have to know... they'd probably kill me ^^'

As for the boy I fell in love with, he's someone I see almost every day and we get along well when there's an opportunity to talk or have a meal. It's just that ever since I liked him, I have been too reserved to become friends, because I was scared he might notice I liked him a little too much >_< So now I even have to close that gap... very stupid of me.

I once jokingly said I ended up in a LGBT bar (first time ever and it was those people from university who took me with them, even before I told them). He didn't react like "Argh... that's disgusting!". Instead he tried not to laugh at me... Seemed like he thought it was funny.

Raikage, I envy you for having a working gay dar :3
Mine doesn't work that well. The fact that he often smiles at me or told me he liked the way I was dressed (I had to wear a suit once ^^') is something that confuses me because the last time he was briefly talking about girls. He switched topics when I didn't really know what to say about it That was the first time ever since more than a year. I thought he had a girlfriend last year, but he never mentioned anything about it. Also a reason for me to stay aside.

It's just that I often notice that people behave differently with someone once outed. I don't want people to do that :/
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Old 2007-12-19, 01:13   Link #339
Ledgem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Syaoran View Post
It's just that I often notice that people behave differently with someone once outed. I don't want people to do that :/
[/SIZE]
My boss is homosexual, and I had no idea until one day we were talking and he mentioned his boyfriend. That was a slight shock to me, just because I never saw it coming.

I'm fine with homosexuality, and it bothers me when people feel the need to call it unnatural, or to say that same-sex shouldn't be legal (here in America). Let others be happy, you know? My only misgiving about male homosexuality is that I don't like the thought of myself performing homosexual acts, I suppose. I think a lot of people have a fear that maybe homosexuals would try to touch them inappropriately or pressure them into doing homosexual things, and perhaps that's where the hatred and such comes from. I'm sure there are some who would do that, but otherwise I don't think such fears are warranted.

As to how to come out - that's a hard one. I think that since you don't know where the guy stands, you should probably break it to him that you're gay first, and see how he takes that. If he turns out to be gay as well, then you're doing wonderfully and can confess. If he's not, then you can still be friends, but I suppose your feelings will have to not be revealed, sadly.

But you never know... in the bathroom that I frequent near my office, I found that there were some homosexual messages scrawled back and forth between people. Two of the messages were apparently addressed to me (based on office # and hair color) and expressed some sexual desires To be honest, I'd have been a lot happier to read those things in the women's bathroom (not that I ever go into there!), but I was still pretty flattered So depending on how the guy is, he may not be uncomfortable at all, and he'd be happy to know that someone was attracted to him. It completely depends on the guy.
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Old 2007-12-19, 13:07   Link #340
siya
An Intellectual Idiot
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: The Internet, ranging from the World of Warcraft------Deviantart----and much more!..My mostly WoW
Age: 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
My boss is homosexual, and I had no idea until one day we were talking and he mentioned his boyfriend. That was a slight shock to me, just because I never saw it coming.

I'm fine with homosexuality, and it bothers me when people feel the need to call it unnatural, or to say that same-sex shouldn't be legal (here in America). Let others be happy, you know? My only misgiving about male homosexuality is that I don't like the thought of myself performing homosexual acts, I suppose. I think a lot of people have a fear that maybe homosexuals would try to touch them inappropriately or pressure them into doing homosexual things, and perhaps that's where the hatred and such comes from. I'm sure there are some who would do that, but otherwise I don't think such fears are warranted.
I completly agree...My best friend just recently discoverd he was Bi...THat completly came as a shock to me. I mean, He never seemed like the type that would be bi...But yea...why should the same sex not be legal? I mean, people are hypicriticle...You ask alot of people (male is particular) ask them if they agree with 2 males together, alot will say no, ask those same people if they agree with 2 femals...most will say yes....PERVERTED HIPICRYTS!<---Spelled wrong..lol
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