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Old 2010-03-18, 04:09   Link #3881
Dr. Casey
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I think you should give the relationship a second chance. Even if things end up not working out, to me a failed relationship is nowhere near as bad as the regret of letting a possibly good opportunity pass you by.
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Old 2010-03-18, 04:14   Link #3882
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I have a question of my own now actually. Yesterday, this girl from work started talking to me through the server and one of my friends caught me and said I hit the jackpot. Everyone says she is quite gorgeous (and I can vouch for that). However, I hear she already has a bf but nobody knows for sure. How should I investigate this?
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Old 2010-03-18, 04:18   Link #3883
Dr. Casey
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Nobody knows for sure? Usually it's not much of a secret whether someone's in a relationship... is she a shy loner type or something? I knew a girl like that once in 11th grade, god damn she was hot.

Hmm... well, maybe you can ask one of the girl's friends if she has a boyfriend or not? The friend probably won't tell the potential girlfriend anything if you ask her not to.
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Old 2010-03-18, 04:45   Link #3884
Samari
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Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
I have a question of my own now actually. Yesterday, this girl from work started talking to me through the server and one of my friends caught me and said I hit the jackpot. Everyone says she is quite gorgeous (and I can vouch for that). However, I hear she already has a bf but nobody knows for sure. How should I investigate this?
Well you can just do the logical thing and keep talking to her. Another good thing about this is that you'll get to know this person a little better and see if she's worth your time or not...regardless if she has a boyfriend. You can probably even inquire about it during your next conversation.

Don't jump right out of the bat and say it at the beginning, but as things are going along (assuming you guys are having a decent conversation) you can ask like it's no big deal, but the truth is that it isn't a big deal. If she has a boyfriend, keep her on file for something that can potentially happen down the road if she breaks up with him, all the while you keep your eyes out for other women. If she doesn't have a boyfriend well that is good for you obviously.
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Old 2010-03-18, 04:52   Link #3885
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Watch your wording, one thing can be said in many ways and have many different meanings. Asking if she's free (for coffee or something) is probably the most laid back way of inquiring.
Quote:
maybe you can ask one of the girl's friends if she has a boyfriend or not? The friend probably won't tell the potential girlfriend anything if you ask her not to.
I'm not a woman but I think they tend to chat about these kinds of things...not entirely sure though, gotta ask the women in this thread.
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Old 2010-03-18, 05:01   Link #3886
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Originally Posted by Samari View Post
Don't jump right out of the bat and say it at the beginning, but as things are going along (assuming you guys are having a decent conversation) you can ask like it's no big deal, but the truth is that it isn't a big deal. If she has a boyfriend, keep her on file for something that can potentially happen down the road if she breaks up with him, all the while you keep your eyes out for other women. If she doesn't have a boyfriend well that is good for you obviously.
I could do that, but the last time I did something like that, it didn't turn out really well at all. Plus, if she does break up, she'll need her time to recover and in such an instance, I don't want to be simply a shoulder to cry on if I want to pursue something with her. I won't pretend that I'm interested though. I was curious more than anything. I do like what Kafriel said though, so I will definitely keep that in mind next time I speak to her. Thanks a lot!
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Old 2010-03-18, 05:03   Link #3887
cheyannew
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Originally Posted by Harufox View Post
Uh...err...now it seems I have found myself in a precarious position, and I saw it coming.
So, sorry for boring you. Long story short, an ex who dumped me about 5 or so months ago wants to date me again. Should I?
Well, without knowing why you split (you said "over an argument" but that's really horribly vague, and depending on the CAUSE of the argument, if an argument's enough to split you, you were kidn of doomed from the getgo), it's hard to say "yes give it another go".

Personally, I've always been of the mindset that once you split that is it, you're done. I've had exes finally pull their heads out of their arses and figure out they made a mistake dumping me, but I would never take one back. Why? Because MOST people cannot do the behaviour changes necessary to prevent history from repeating itself, and I refuse to go through that again. I NEVER understood the couples who break up and get back together repeatedly, seriously, that's just not healthy or stable in the least LOL

Bear in mind this is my personal beliefs, and I am not judging anyone who DOES get back w/ their ex. Hells, I'm best friend w/ one of my ex and'm dating his wife. But he and I will NEVER EVER get back together. Great friends, not great boyfriend/girlfriend. We'll continue being great "boyfriend-in-law/girlfriend-in-law"
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Old 2010-03-18, 05:05   Link #3888
cheyannew
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Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
I could do that, but the last time I did something like that, it didn't turn out really well at all. Plus, if she does break up, she'll need her time to recover and in such an instance, I don't want to be simply a shoulder to cry on if I want to pursue something with her. I won't pretend that I'm interested though. I was curious more than anything. I do like what Kafriel said though, so I will definitely keep that in mind next time I speak to her. Thanks a lot!
Aye, there's a careful line to tread, IMO with being that post-breakup shoulder to cry on and whatnot.

You could be that great friend who helped her through so much which zooms you into the "undatable friend zone" which would be rather counterproductive, if you're interested in the girl. You can be friendly w/o becoming the best guy friend, if you know what I mean.
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Old 2010-03-18, 05:10   Link #3889
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Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
I'd be cautious at first. I say date her, but don't try to pursue a relationship just yet, but try to get to know her intentions, like why she wants to get back with you, and if they seem good enough, then go for it. This time, you know that some of the things you two were doing were risky (I won't ask what), so both of you will know what lines can be crossed and which ones can't. If she seems honest about getting back with you, I think things will be better than last time. By all means, date her, but don't jump into a relationship with her from the start.
You seriously DON'T want to know what we got up to in the last few weeks of our first relationship. I can make some sense about what you're saying, but I still can't draw the line between dating and a relationship.

What makes it harder is my parents. They played the "I told you so" game on me, accepting her knowing that it'd die out, and forbidding me from ever pursuing a relationship again. More than that, they disapprove of me ever going out anywhere with her again.

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Originally Posted by Kafriel View Post
I have two stories for you, here's the first:
Spoiler for Make up with my ex:

Spoiler for Make up with my best friend:

Now, your case could have a bit of both...I don't know why you broke up in the first place (was your relationship weak or was it something serious that came between you?) and how each of you (but you in particular) felt about the other during that time. You say you're cautious of her...people are usually happy at first and then grow wary of their ex's actions. Do you like her right now? Is she worth pursuing but you're afraid of being a rebound, or is she clingy and your good manners won't let you turn her down straight away?
Either way, I would play along, date her once, and then ask her "why did we break up in the first place..." and see how she reacts. Very risky, but that's just me, and I'm not sure if you care enough for her.
I actually asked her what made her say she liked me again. She said it was confusion.

There's a significant advantage to dating a "ghost of girlfriend's past." We know each other inside out. This is why I caught onto what she wanted to do. I had guessed she was beginning to like me after the fact that she was beginning to ask and tell me things that best friends would normally avoid with me (none of my my friends ask me "how was your day?" or "you pick a topic"). I'm naturally a lone wolf, and usually shun people away when I'm upset. Strangely, she's the only one to stubbornly insist on hanging around. Sometimes that pisses me off, but ultimately I grow to like that company.
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Originally Posted by Dr. Casey View Post
I think you should give the relationship a second chance. Even if things end up not working out, to me a failed relationship is nowhere near as bad as the regret of letting a possibly good opportunity pass you by.
You raise a valid point. I have a habit of letting good opportunities slip.

@Cheyannew: (missed the multi-quote) She was stressed out over something, so I obviously pushed her over that day. As she was my first girlfriend, I sort of had no experience with it in the first place. I'm not saying I've learnt the errors of my ways, but I most definitely believe now I won't be chasing a pash every 5 minutes in plain sight of everyone (when I think about that, I really made an ass of myself).
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Old 2010-03-18, 05:13   Link #3890
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Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
I have a question of my own now actually. Yesterday, this girl from work started talking to me through the server and one of my friends caught me and said I hit the jackpot. Everyone says she is quite gorgeous (and I can vouch for that). However, I hear she already has a bf but nobody knows for sure. How should I investigate this?
Just ask her straight out; by that, I don't mean approach her specifically to ask this question, but just slip it in during normal conversation with her. If she asks you why you wanted to know, just brush it off with a "Nah nothing much, just confirming my theory that all the pretty girls are already taken at this stage in our lives."



....what? That's what I pull all the time, or at least, when I was still looking around before I started my current relationship. Hell, I pulled it on her before, when she had a prior relationship.
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Old 2010-03-18, 05:20   Link #3891
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Originally Posted by Harufox View Post
You seriously DON'T want to know what we got up to in the last few weeks of our first relationship. I can make some sense about what you're saying, but I still can't draw the line between dating and a relationship.

What makes it harder is my parents. They played the "I told you so" game on me, accepting her knowing that it'd die out, and forbidding me from ever pursuing a relationship again. More than that, they disapprove of me ever going out anywhere with her again.
Yep, I don't wanna know and I'm not interested either. What happened is between you and her. If anything, I would say your parents are the best people to ask, and I imagine that you already know what they're going to say. Judging by what you just told me, it seems like they will tell you straight out that you absolutely cannot go out with her. That being said, I would trust their judgement above anyone's.

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I actually asked her what made her say she liked me again. She said it was confusion.
That should instantly ring a bell, and not a very pleasant one. If she is just confused, any situation you get into with her, even if it's not a relationship, is bound to fade away quite quickly. A more correct term would be blow away though. The reason for that is because if she really is confused, she probably doesn't even know what she wants out of a relationship and still needs time to clear her head.

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Originally Posted by Harufox View Post
There's a significant advantage to dating a "ghost of girlfriend's past." We know each other inside out. This is why I caught onto what she wanted to do. I had guessed she was beginning to like me after the fact that she was beginning to ask and tell me things that best friends would normally avoid with me (none of my my friends ask me "how was your day?" or "you pick a topic"). I'm naturally a lone wolf, and usually shun people away when I'm upset. Strangely, she's the only one to stubbornly insist on hanging around. Sometimes that pisses me off, but ultimately I grow to like that company.
Yeah, but tbh, I've never really liked when a girl's answer is that she's confused. I would be very cautious in your place if you wanted to date her again. You may like her company, but things just don't bode well when you get that sort of answer.
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Old 2010-03-18, 05:23   Link #3892
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Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
Just ask her straight out; by that, I don't mean approach her specifically to ask this question, but just slip it in during normal conversation with her. If she asks you why you wanted to know, just brush it off with a "Nah nothing much, just confirming my theory that all the pretty girls are already taken at this stage in our lives."



....what? That's what I pull all the time, or at least, when I was still looking around before I started my current relationship. Hell, I pulled it on her before, when she had a prior relationship.
Hmmm, maybe, but we hardly know each other and rarely spoke. Yesterday was actually the first time we talked for a little while. I was a bit surprised too (as was everyone else xD) because normally she comes to me asking for company files but this time, the first thing she asked me was where I went hiding (because they recently moved me to another building). We talked for a bit and went back to business. I'll probably ask her for a coffee at some stage if I manage to stick around, and I'll ask her directly later on when we know each other better. I won't ask her when we're out for that coffee as it might look like I'm too interested, which isn't even the case.
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Old 2010-03-18, 05:48   Link #3893
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She said it was confusion.
The more cynical me would consider that she's playing you so that she'd ultimately dump you again and get some sort of twisted satisfaction from it, with the "I told you I was just confused" kind of line. However, this line troubles me
Quote:
We know each other inside out.
Although you seem to know her pretty well, I, as an outsider, think she's either unaware of your feelings towards her or purposefully ignores them while trying to force herself onto you, but the latter doesn't stick well with confusion.
Either way, her reason is weak and vague since it's a cheap ticket out of a relationship, if it were me I'd go on a date, should she ask, but I would be extremely cautious of her if she wanted us to get back together.
Quote:
I won't ask her when we're out for that coffee as it might look like I'm too interested, which isn't even the case.
I am in exactly the same situation with one of my former dancing partners (overly hot and popular, two years older but working too much to have time for me), I decided to keep her as a friend, I think it's more refreshing for both of us that way.
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Old 2010-03-18, 06:02   Link #3894
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
Yep, I don't wanna know and I'm not interested either. What happened is between you and her. If anything, I would say your parents are the best people to ask, and I imagine that you already know what they're going to say. Judging by what you just told me, it seems like they will tell you straight out that you absolutely cannot go out with her. That being said, I would trust their judgement above anyone's.

Call it naivety, but I don't trust anything my parents say. If you want technicalities, my parents are split, and my mum's dating someone, so he's an almost step-dad. I rarely see my dad, and both mum and dad play the "He said, she said" debacle. My dad is far too tainted to be reliable (He'd be like, "go for it, son"), and my mum will go out of her way to make sure I have very little fun anyway. Like I said, she only kept her around to prove a point to me, and when we split up, she took it upon herself to pull the "I told you so".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
That should instantly ring a bell, and not a very pleasant one. If she is just confused, any situation you get into with her, even if it's not a relationship, is bound to fade away quite quickly. A more correct term would be blow away though. The reason for that is because if she really is confused, she probably doesn't even know what she wants out of a relationship and still needs time to clear her head.



Yeah, but tbh, I've never really liked when a girl's answer is that she's confused. I would be very cautious in your place if you wanted to date her again. You may like her company, but things just don't bode well when you get that sort of answer.
It should be noted that she actually said "Dunno, just confusion I guess", which translates to me "Because I just did, okay?" Depending on how early I can drag myself out of bed, I might get on that bus again and go to the train station and spend some time with her trying to understand her motive (admittedly, the idea of a date at the train station is quite bad, especially when you're fitting it in the mere minutes before school, working it around a rather unreliable public transport timetable, and the station in question isn't what you'd call...particularly welcoming. The crime rate of the suburb itself is so high it's not funny). She was talking to her friend about it too, so it's not like she'd be lying to me. I'd probably go out with her again anyway. I cannot tell if it's worth it or not if I'm not going to find out for myself. If somebody put a million dollars on the table, I would, admittedly, take it without considering the consequences. However, most of the time I tread lightly. I am determined to be more careful this time around.
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Old 2010-03-18, 06:09   Link #3895
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Originally Posted by Kafriel View Post
The more cynical me would consider that she's playing you so that she'd ultimately dump you again and get some sort of twisted satisfaction from it, with the "I told you I was just confused" kind of line. However, this line troubles me
Although you seem to know her pretty well, I, as an outsider, think she's either unaware of your feelings towards her or purposefully ignores them while trying to force herself onto you, but the latter doesn't stick well with confusion.
Either way, her reason is weak and vague since it's a cheap ticket out of a relationship, if it were me I'd go on a date, should she ask, but I would be extremely cautious of her if she wanted us to get back together.
I wouldn't say she's sinister. She doesn't seem like the sadistic type who'd lead me around in circles for her entertainment. That said, (and one point I'm really really embarrassed about) she is stronger than me. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now, ask her tomorrow, continue taking in advice from you guys, and make a decision.
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Old 2010-03-18, 06:22   Link #3896
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Originally Posted by Harufox View Post
Call it naivety, but I don't trust anything my parents say. If you want technicalities, my parents are split, and my mum's dating someone, so he's an almost step-dad. I rarely see my dad, and both mum and dad play the "He said, she said" debacle. My dad is far too tainted to be reliable (He'd be like, "go for it, son"), and my mum will go out of her way to make sure I have very little fun anyway. Like I said, she only kept her around to prove a point to me, and when we split up, she took it upon herself to pull the "I told you so".
Sorry about that, I didn't know your situation, I didn't mean to make assumptions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Harufox View Post
It should be noted that she actually said "Dunno, just confusion I guess", which translates to me "Because I just did, okay?" Depending on how early I can drag myself out of bed, I might get on that bus again and go to the train station and spend some time with her trying to understand her motive (admittedly, the idea of a date at the train station is quite bad, especially when you're fitting it in the mere minutes before school, working it around a rather unreliable public transport timetable, and the station in question isn't what you'd call...particularly welcoming. The crime rate of the suburb itself is so high it's not funny). She was talking to her friend about it too, so it's not like she'd be lying to me. I'd probably go out with her again anyway. I cannot tell if it's worth it or not if I'm not going to find out for myself. If somebody put a million dollars on the table, I would, admittedly, take it without considering the consequences. However, most of the time I tread lightly. I am determined to be more careful this time around.
You know her better than me I guess, but I'd still be really careful. I never like when a girl says she's confused or her situation is complicated. Don't go looking for something deep yet, and don't try to rush it because like all things, doing something in a hurry will make things worse than they could've been.
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Old 2010-03-18, 10:49   Link #3897
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I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now, ask her tomorrow, continue taking in advice from you guys, and make a decision.
I got into this rather late, but I'm just going to echo what Yoko said before and be very, very careful with this. Especially with her response to your question, which just seems extremely off to me.

Personally, if it were me I wouldn't even give her the time of day, but then again my view is pretty similar to Chey's, heh. If I broke up with somebody once before, I'm not going to bother trying to date them again even if they want me back. It doesn't bode very well for a relationship when the two involved keep breaking up and getting back together.
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Old 2010-03-18, 11:24   Link #3898
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I wouldn't say she's sinister. She doesn't seem like the sadistic type who'd lead me around in circles for her entertainment. That said, (and one point I'm really really embarrassed about) she is stronger than me. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now, ask her tomorrow, continue taking in advice from you guys, and make a decision.
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I'm just going to echo what Yoko said before and be very, very careful with this. Especially with her response to your question, which just seems extremely off to me.

If I broke up with somebody once before, I'm not going to bother trying to date them again even if they want me back. It doesn't bode very well for a relationship when the two involved keep breaking up and getting back together.
If there were problems in the past, you both move on. The same problem can repeat itself in this type of scenario. But I wouldn't say it's impossible. There maybe only a small handful of exceptions where it works out the second time around. (It could also get worse with each extra chance you give someone).

In this case, it all comes down to how sincere the other person is and if you believe what she says. It doesn't hurt to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but be careful with with what you decide about second chances because if you believe the same thing is going to happen again, move on.
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Old 2010-03-18, 13:54   Link #3899
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Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
I could do that, but the last time I did something like that, it didn't turn out really well at all. Plus, if she does break up, she'll need her time to recover and in such an instance, I don't want to be simply a shoulder to cry on if I want to pursue something with her. I won't pretend that I'm interested though. I was curious more than anything. I do like what Kafriel said though, so I will definitely keep that in mind next time I speak to her. Thanks a lot!
Every girl is different though. Some are quick to hop on the next guy (whether it's a rebound or genuine interest) while others feel the need to wait a while once they're out of a relationship...which is fine of course.

Just saying, don't use your past failure as a reason to not try the same thing again.

Oh and if you ever feel like you're just being the doormat for a rebound or maybe just in the friend zone, bail...or tell the woman straight up.
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Old 2010-03-18, 14:05   Link #3900
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Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
Sorry about that, I didn't know your situation, I didn't mean to make assumptions.
That's fine. It's not like that's such a situation that actually happens often with people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
You know her better than me I guess, but I'd still be really careful. I never like when a girl says she's confused or her situation is complicated. Don't go looking for something deep yet, and don't try to rush it because like all things, doing something in a hurry will make things worse than they could've been.
It is something that sort of took me aback. Perhaps maybe I'll ask her what she meant by "confusion I guess". We both have a tendency to use the wrong words at the wrong time.
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I got into this rather late, but I'm just going to echo what Yoko said before and be very, very careful with this. Especially with her response to your question, which just seems extremely off to me.

Personally, if it were me I wouldn't even give her the time of day, but then again my view is pretty similar to Chey's, heh. If I broke up with somebody once before, I'm not going to bother trying to date them again even if they want me back. It doesn't bode very well for a relationship when the two involved keep breaking up and getting back together.
Unfortunately for me, I'm a bit too opportunistic. Again, if somebody puts themselves in front of me with a place card saying "Date me", I'd grab a marker and write "Okay". At the time of writing this, my judgement is sort of off (I only had 2 hours sleep last night because I was still thinking about it).
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Originally Posted by hinakatbklyn View Post
If there were problems in the past, you both move on. The same problem can repeat itself in this type of scenario. But I wouldn't say it's impossible. There maybe only a small handful of exceptions where it works out the second time around. (It could also get worse with each extra chance you give someone).

In this case, it all comes down to how sincere the other person is and if you believe what she says. It doesn't hurt to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but be careful with with what you decide about second chances because if you believe the same thing is going to happen again, move on.
I believe she's quite sincere, but again, I cannot answer the question at the given time because I only know so much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo View Post
I have a question of my own now actually. Yesterday, this girl from work started talking to me through the server and one of my friends caught me and said I hit the jackpot. Everyone says she is quite gorgeous (and I can vouch for that). However, I hear she already has a bf but nobody knows for sure. How should I investigate this?
"Hit the jackpot"? I'd say before succumbing to office gossip, find out who this person actually is. If she's at work, I garner you already know the answer to that. As the rumours are from the grape vine, such claims are hardly verifiable ( Office gossip is a severe dampener on business productivity btw ). I'd be contradicting myself with my issue if I were to say looking at going out with her isn't a good idea, but it helps to check your facts. You're going to have to ask her straight out.
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