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Old 2008-11-10, 03:13   Link #961
Mystique
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samari View Post
This also may sound mean, but I really can't stand it when people get cold feet and change their minds at the very last moment. And that's just about anything in life. It's by far my number one pet peeve.
The alternative would have been that she goes ahead with things feeling unsure, confused, not fully commited which to me feels more of an insult that someone who 'thought' they were okay with a situation, but when push came to shove they couldn't go ahead with it.
As i said, it must be frustrating for ya, so I can understand you feeling a lil despondant, but remember that you're dealing with matters of the heart here.
Sadly, everything isn't so straightforward as we'd like them to be somedays
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Old 2008-11-10, 03:39   Link #962
Samari
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Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
The alternative would have been that she goes ahead with things feeling unsure, confused, not fully commited which to me feels more of an insult that someone who 'thought' they were okay with a situation, but when push came to shove they couldn't go ahead with it.
As i said, it must be frustrating for ya, so I can understand you feeling a lil despondant, but remember that you're dealing with matters of the heart here.
Sadly, everything isn't so straightforward as we'd like them to be somedays
I'm not saying I'd rather have the alternative. I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable, but at the same time be willing to do things based on what her heart is actually telling her...and I don't think that's the case here. I really just hope she isn't putting off everything because of some philosophy she thinks she should abide by but she's actually divided internally about it. I know I don't know everyone's personal experiences, but it just doesn't logical to abide by that course of action. I was raised by the notion that you should always do what you feel is right...even if the alternative seems like the better course of action to take.

Yes I am a little bitter because I went through A LOT of trouble the past two days to make Sunday special...and things just change in an instant. I'll get over it, but this experience has definitely taught me something about some females. I just can't see myself treating another human being like that. Honestly I think it's a little rude...and I personally feel a little humiliated. Perhaps I should be more mad at myself for overlooking this scenario.

I just can't wait for several days to pass so I'll feel better about all of this.
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Old 2008-11-10, 23:39   Link #963
Ledgem
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Originally Posted by Samari View Post
I'm not saying I'd rather have the alternative. I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable, but at the same time be willing to do things based on what her heart is actually telling her...and I don't think that's the case here. I really just hope she isn't putting off everything because of some philosophy she thinks she should abide by but she's actually divided internally about it. I know I don't know everyone's personal experiences, but it just doesn't logical to abide by that course of action. I was raised by the notion that you should always do what you feel is right...even if the alternative seems like the better course of action to take.

Yes I am a little bitter because I went through A LOT of trouble the past two days to make Sunday special...and things just change in an instant. I'll get over it, but this experience has definitely taught me something about some females. I just can't see myself treating another human being like that. Honestly I think it's a little rude...and I personally feel a little humiliated. Perhaps I should be more mad at myself for overlooking this scenario.

I just can't wait for several days to pass so I'll feel better about all of this.
This is potentially a good learning experience. I don't really have any advice, but I do have some comments to make.

First, your disappointment is understandable. I'm an idealist and a daydreamer, which is one deadly combination: on top of feeling disappointed, I'd feel silly/foolish for having thought ahead to an ideal, romantic scenario (I'd probably already be calculating marriage or which house to buy and how many children to have - until reality arrives, nothing is impossible unless you set it to be so). I don't know if your disappointment and resentment stems from the same reasons as mine would, but if so, it isn't fully fair to blame it on her.

The second remark I wanted to make deals with my own experiences with Chinese-American culture, particularly when it's close to the full-Chinese culture. My girlfriend is Chinese American, and while her father is very Americanized her mother came over to America as a teenager or so. She was raised with the belief that she would not even begin to date anyone until she had finished with school and was working. Since she aspired to be a doctor, there was a chance that she wouldn't begin dating until she was 32. In my opinion that's setting yourself up for disaster or being single for the rest of your life. The girl you're dealing with reminded me of that. (Clearly, since she's my girlfriend and has been for what's coming on three years, that notion didn't stick very well )

Despite the fact that my girlfriend initially broke with her parents' wishes, parental dealings and control are a bit alien to me. I come from a Jewish background. We're very open and frank with each other. We don't share every little secret, but there's open communication and plenty of disagreement. For my girlfriend, things are very different. Her worst fears never happened to us, but they played out for a friend of hers (also Chinese American). Her friend started dating in college around the age of 19 or 20, I believe. Her parents probably had given her the same lectures about how she was not allowed to date until she was done with school. Her parents didn't live anywhere near where their daughter was attending school, but apparently when they found out she was dating they flew out, unannounced, had a sit-down with their daughter and her boyfriend, and broke them up. That must be one of the worst things to go through. (The daughter simply began to secretely date behind their back.)

So it sounds like the girl you're dealing with has all of that, on top of a potentially abusive relationship in her past. While it may turn out that I'm being a devil's advocate here, I'd say that it might be worth it to cut the girl some slack and let her think things through. I don't know how it is from the female side, but I'm sure it's pretty complicated. She clearly wanted to get with you (unless she broke up with her ex-boyfriend recently, in which case you might have been a rebound), but there are a lot of factors holding her back.

Give it some time, and try not to take it too personally. Keep your standards high, but your expectations low. Above all, remember that this doesn't reflect on you. You're a great guy and any girl would be damn lucky to be in your arms.
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Old 2008-11-11, 00:36   Link #964
Samari
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Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
This is potentially a good learning experience. I don't really have any advice, but I do have some comments to make.

First, your disappointment is understandable. I'm an idealist and a daydreamer, which is one deadly combination: on top of feeling disappointed, I'd feel silly/foolish for having thought ahead to an ideal, romantic scenario (I'd probably already be calculating marriage or which house to buy and how many children to have - until reality arrives, nothing is impossible unless you set it to be so). I don't know if your disappointment and resentment stems from the same reasons as mine would, but if so, it isn't fully fair to blame it on her.

The second remark I wanted to make deals with my own experiences with Chinese-American culture, particularly when it's close to the full-Chinese culture. My girlfriend is Chinese American, and while her father is very Americanized her mother came over to America as a teenager or so. She was raised with the belief that she would not even begin to date anyone until she had finished with school and was working. Since she aspired to be a doctor, there was a chance that she wouldn't begin dating until she was 32. In my opinion that's setting yourself up for disaster or being single for the rest of your life. The girl you're dealing with reminded me of that. (Clearly, since she's my girlfriend and has been for what's coming on three years, that notion didn't stick very well )

Despite the fact that my girlfriend initially broke with her parents' wishes, parental dealings and control are a bit alien to me. I come from a Jewish background. We're very open and frank with each other. We don't share every little secret, but there's open communication and plenty of disagreement. For my girlfriend, things are very different. Her worst fears never happened to us, but they played out for a friend of hers (also Chinese American). Her friend started dating in college around the age of 19 or 20, I believe. Her parents probably had given her the same lectures about how she was not allowed to date until she was done with school. Her parents didn't live anywhere near where their daughter was attending school, but apparently when they found out she was dating they flew out, unannounced, had a sit-down with their daughter and her boyfriend, and broke them up. That must be one of the worst things to go through. (The daughter simply began to secretely date behind their back.)

So it sounds like the girl you're dealing with has all of that, on top of a potentially abusive relationship in her past. While it may turn out that I'm being a devil's advocate here, I'd say that it might be worth it to cut the girl some slack and let her think things through. I don't know how it is from the female side, but I'm sure it's pretty complicated. She clearly wanted to get with you (unless she broke up with her ex-boyfriend recently, in which case you might have been a rebound), but there are a lot of factors holding her back.

Give it some time, and try not to take it too personally. Keep your standards high, but your expectations low. Above all, remember that this doesn't reflect on you. You're a great guy and any girl would be damn lucky to be in your arms.
Right well, like I said I don't think I would do that to someone else. Come on strong to them and then afterwards totally change my tune. I mean I think you'd understand if you were in my position. She may have had some bad experiences, but...I really don't think that excuses being inconsiderate just to make yourself feel comfortable. It's rude and selfish. She was telling me that things are moving too fast and that I should get to know her...as if it was my fault. And I guess now she's pulling the silent treatment or something. I haven't tried contacting her, but...yeah I think this is honestly ridiculous. Maybe it's just me, but I'm kind of a decisive individual that really doesn't like to beat around the bush and play games. Like I said getting cold feet is my number one pet peeve.

I don't think I should be responsible for people's idealistic and daydreaming kind of persona...especially if they come on to me first. If you have your mind set on something then...F-ing do it. Geez.

As you can tell I'm still a little angry. I thought I wasn't before, but two days later I'm really starting to feel the effects. Now that I think of it I believe I'm going to break off all communication from this person. Honestly I think that's the only remedy that will make me feel better faster. Besides, I think she's done talking to me anyways...even though I did nothing wrong. Apparently being an adult about all of this isn't in her agenda. So out goes the AIM screen name, phone number, and maybe Facebook. If she wants to contact me I won't show any malice, but...yeah I'm pretty agitated inside.

Oh well, plenty of fish left in the sea.
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Old 2008-11-11, 00:55   Link #965
Ledgem
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Originally Posted by Samari View Post
Right well, like I said I don't think I would do that to someone else. Come on strong to them and then afterwards totally change my tune. I mean I think you'd understand if you were in my position.
I think I do, but what are you so upset about? You say that you dislike indecisiveness, and that's fine, but this wasn't just a matter of being indecisive. Are you disappointed about the outcome?

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Originally Posted by Samari View Post
She may have had some bad experiences, but...I really don't think that excuses being inconsiderate just to make yourself feel comfortable. It's rude and selfish. She was telling me that things are moving too fast and that I should get to know her...as if it was my fault.
I'm not in a position to say whether she was being rude of selfish as I've never suffered any "emotional craters" over a relationship. I don't think anyone can really say whether she was just making it up or whether she was really feeling excited and scared at the same time.

Based off of the text that you've written, I didn't see it as that she was blaming you. Or even if she was, isn't that the stereotype - that the male is usually the one to move faster than the female? I wasn't there to hear it and the tone she said it in, though. You could be right, but... give the benefit of the doubt and all that.

Quote:
And I guess now she's pulling the silent treatment or something. I haven't tried contacting her, but...yeah I think this is honestly ridiculous. Maybe it's just me, but I'm kind of a decisive individual that really doesn't like to beat around the bush and play games. Like I said getting cold feet is my number one pet peeve.

I don't think I should be responsible for people's idealistic and daydreaming kind of persona...especially if they come on to me first. If you have your mind set on something then...F-ing do it. Geez.
I don't think there are many girls (maybe even people in general) who will be direct. In many ways, you and I are no exceptions, though. Either way, of the two females that I've been close to outside of my life, indecisiveness (or lack of being direct) is and was not uncommon. Girls say they hate being indirect and they hate playing games, but they do it anyway. Not all girls, I'm sure, but this is something that takes a bit of tolerance and getting used to. (Rough example: my girlfriend will often tell me that she's full and that I need to finish the rest of our dinner, even though I know she's still very hungry. I have to put on the biggest show about how I'm overly stuffed and can't eat anymore, and then she'll happily continue eating. I think when I first discovered all of this it annoyed me that she wouldn't just take what she wanted and that I had to read between the lines, but I've learned to grow to love it and I guess it's something we both find fun now, silly as it may sound.)

Quote:
As you can tell I'm still a little angry. I thought I wasn't before, but two days later I'm really starting to feel the effects. Now that I think of it I believe I'm going to break off all communication from this person. Honestly I think that's the only remedy that will make me feel better faster. Besides, I think she's done talking to me anyways...even though I did nothing wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong, but this may not be about you at this point. For all we know, maybe she's waiting for you to try and get to know her better (that is, contact her). Her request that you let her be alone at the end of your outing puts you in a rough spot.

Either way, if you're angry with her then whether either of you contact the other, the likelihood of anything favorable happening are pretty low. Not that it matters - you're not in this to hook up with just anyone, you want a good match. As an observer who wasn't there, it just seems to me that you're working yourself up over this idea that she was blaming you for something when in reality there's nothing to really be upset about. I could very easily be wrong, but I'd think that your anger is truly derived from your feeling spurned and disappointed over the way it played out, and you're shifting that anger into blaming her for the way things turned out and her unjustified coldness and perceived blame against you.

Whether I'm right or wrong, you're correct in saying that there are other fish in the sea. Just... don't take that attitude too often. As of now you have no obligations or committment to this girl, so it doesn't matter. I've seen a lot of people take that attitude when a problem develops in their relationship, and it's a fast way to break something apart. As I said, this is a learning experience - less so about the girl, and more so about your own feelings and reactions.
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Old 2008-11-11, 03:02   Link #966
Samari
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Well I've calmed down a little bit since I last posted. Thought about things a little more and tried to relax. I'm not going to class tomorrow. This situation and some other issues in my life have given me all I can handle. I think I need a break to try and regain my concentration. So no Still Life painting on Tuesday.

After I deleted her phone number and AIM screen name I came across something I didn't expect...guilt. I experienced guilt for being angry and holding a grudge against this girl who most likely just doesn't know how to handle these strong feelings. I remember her saying "it's my fault" and I had to reassure her that it wasn't. Then I started to think it really was her fault. My emotions have been in flux...and I don't like not being able to control my emotions like that. It's unsettling. I'm still as direct a person as I was, but...I will cut this person some slack. She's young and had some problems in her past. I guess I maybe was disappointed with the outcome...especially after all of those conversations we had over the phone for hours and hours. But the honest truth is that I barely knew this girl and the initial spark may have just died out by Sunday evening when we finally met up. I put her AIM screen name and phone number back where they were. If she doesn't want to talk to me that's fine. I'm going to talk to her in a week and see where we stand...even if it's as friends which is fine. I would be disappointed if she didn't want to ever talk again and shuts me out of her life entirely, but...if that's her choice then there's nothing I can do.
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Old 2008-11-11, 04:20   Link #967
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Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
(Rough example: my girlfriend will often tell me that she's full and that I need to finish the rest of our dinner, even though I know she's still very hungry. I have to put on the biggest show about how I'm overly stuffed and can't eat anymore, and then she'll happily continue eating. I think when I first discovered all of this it annoyed me that she wouldn't just take what she wanted and that I had to read between the lines, but I've learned to grow to love it and I guess it's something we both find fun now, silly as it may sound.)
It's weird right? My girlfriend eats from really small plates, as if to get across her rationed diet, but then keeps refilling until she's pretty much had a large portion. I think it's more of a self-gratifying measure than anything else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Samari View Post
I guess I maybe was disappointed with the outcome...especially after all of those conversations we had over the phone for hours and hours. But the honest truth is that I barely knew this girl and the initial spark may have just died out by Sunday evening when we finally met up. I put her AIM screen name and phone number back where they were. If she doesn't want to talk to me that's fine. I'm going to talk to her in a week and see where we stand...even if it's as friends which is fine. I would be disappointed if she didn't want to ever talk again and shuts me out of her life entirely, but...if that's her choice then there's nothing I can do.
I've been through some similar experiences too. My friend set me up with a girl from another school, who was best friends with this same guys girlfriend. We could potentially have hit it off, we went ice skating and everything, but then my friend and his girlfriend fell out quite bitterly. He prank called her and that pretty much ruined any relationship between me and the other girl. She seemed convinced that I played some part in the prank call and just cut off all communications with me. That was annoying...
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Old 2008-11-11, 06:07   Link #968
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Bleh, talked to her on AIM tonight. I couldn't help it. She talked back, but still seemed a little..."cold".
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Old 2008-11-11, 15:36   Link #969
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Bleh, talked to her on AIM tonight. I couldn't help it. She talked back, but still seemed a little..."cold".
leave her be for now.. ignore her and let her do the "chasing" now if she's really interested. if not, then screw it and move on
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Old 2008-11-11, 16:27   Link #970
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Bleh, talked to her on AIM tonight. I couldn't help it. She talked back, but still seemed a little..."cold".
I usually remain silent when it comes to someone's affairs, but honestly I can't bear to hear this. Keep in mind, you don't have to listen to my advice, but I strongly recommend you follow it. She clearly had a spur of the moment crush that was abruptly stopped because of family affairs (or so she says). If you are actually interested in this person, it's going to require some work. You're going to have to reignite whatever she saw in you, and fast. I suggest finding some sort of large festival or local event that will leave breathing room and fun to be had. It is important that you try to not make this seem like a date as much as possible, she will hopefully feel comfortable around you. Try being as sociable as you were at the party, and don't barrage her with questions or accusations. If possible, try not buy a meal other than vendor snacks, and absolutely keep it fast paced. Try to break the night off with more to be desired, or abruptly. Last impressions are absolutely dire to the situation, so try to seem seductive yet friendly...the best way to describe it is "open". After this point, anything she does is of her own accord, and is up to her if she finds you interesting or not.

Hope I helped you out.
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Old 2008-11-11, 17:04   Link #971
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I usually remain silent when it comes to someone's affairs, but honestly I can't bear to hear this. Keep in mind, you don't have to listen to my advice, but I strongly recommend you follow it. She clearly had a spur of the moment crush that was abruptly stopped because of family affairs (or so she says). If you are actually interested in this person, it's going to require some work. You're going to have to reignite whatever she saw in you, and fast. I suggest finding some sort of large festival or local event that will leave breathing room and fun to be had. It is important that you try to not make this seem like a date as much as possible, she will hopefully feel comfortable around you. Try being as sociable as you were at the party, and don't barrage her with questions or accusations. If possible, try not buy a meal other than vendor snacks, and absolutely keep it fast paced. Try to break the night off with more to be desired, or abruptly. Last impressions are absolutely dire to the situation, so try to seem seductive yet friendly...the best way to describe it is "open". After this point, anything she does is of her own accord, and is up to her if she finds you interesting or not.

Hope I helped you out.
Thanks, but...I think I've finally given up. I should move on. No malice intended towards her part, but...yes like I said there are plenty of fish in the sea. Oh well.
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Old 2008-11-11, 21:34   Link #972
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It's weird right? My girlfriend eats from really small plates, as if to get across her rationed diet, but then keeps refilling until she's pretty much had a large portion. I think it's more of a self-gratifying measure than anything else.
It doesn't have to do with dieting, in this case. I'd say it's a showing of devotion. She and I are both very committed to each other, and I'd say that the example with the food is her way of sacrificing a bit on her end so that I can be at least a little more content. She doesn't do it for all meals, but generally when she knows that I like something a lot. In hindsight, I suppose that even though I remarked that she does that, I've been doing it with her for a while as well when I know that there's a food that she likes a lot; and especially if she likes it a lot more than I do.
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Old 2008-11-11, 23:13   Link #973
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Old 2008-11-12, 00:05   Link #974
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People in relationships
Falling in love can be the greatest joy on earth, and falling out of love the worlds greatest disaster. What is love?
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Old 2008-11-12, 00:31   Link #975
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I hope I'm not the only one who just thought of Haddaway

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Old 2008-11-12, 00:59   Link #976
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I hope I'm not the only one who just thought of Haddaway

Here's a new link, What is love? Says it all...

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Old 2008-11-12, 03:21   Link #977
Mystique
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*facepalms*
(knew it)
whitepearl and Xvoki, not forgiving you for getting that song in my head for the day ><;;;;;;;;

@ that article you posted:
Gotta love science for demystifying some of the greatest experiences a human can have to mere chemicals and physical switches within our body.
While I don't digress the facts, they usually end up being worthless when lust has robbed your sense of logic.
Besides love comes in all forms, not just for a bf/gf relationship but parent/child, friendships and siblings too. Somehow i think there's a little bit more than mere chemicals at work, but then i'm more of a emotional fantasist, than a logical realist
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Old 2008-11-13, 21:26   Link #978
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Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
*facepalms*
(knew it)
whitepearl and Xvoki, not forgiving you for getting that song in my head for the day ><;;;;;;;;
If my and Xvoki's referencing to Haddaway helped to brighten your day oróat the very leastógiven you a smile, then we have done our job of spreading happiness across borders.

BTW, is it bad for a person to burn bridges after attempts to woo other person to be significant other have failed? This may or may not be in reference to me...
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Old 2008-11-14, 00:00   Link #979
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That depends. If your social life will go about normally, then I'd advise against it...as doing so will make you look like the "hit and run type".
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Old 2008-11-14, 05:46   Link #980
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Some good news. So as you know this past week for me has been quite bothersome for me regarding the person who I thought I connected with on another level so fast. Until last Sunday that was. It seems like it's been a month since that period. Since afterwards it looked like we had a falling out right up to the moment we left each other without any hug or farewell when we hung out on the weekend. Just a stare and turnaround. She didn't contact me at all like she used to, and I thought she may have had some possible resentfulness towards me. And that theory was further amplified when we had a two second AIM conversation and her responses were quite "cold".

I was told by quite a few to just leave it alone and let her be. But I couldn't focus on my school work or anything and it was really bothering me. I decided I had had enough. Last night I made the decision to call her while I was in the middle of a painting session after hours at one of my school buildings.

I didn't expect her to pick up the phone. Honestly I just wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on between us just as people that associated with one another. The short word for that is "friends". All of this potential relationship stuff I never really was too concerned about that in the first place since well, we had just met and my goal was to get to know her better. I just wanted to make sure we were still friends.

Apparently I again was too paranoid for my own good. She informed me that she had been under a lot of stress lately because she hadn't been doing so well in her classes and that she feels guilty for letting her parents down because she's been a little lazy about her academics. Plus there may be a 40% tuition increase at her school the next semester and she also has to deal with that. And after all that she sounded like the girl I had been talking too all of last week. That charm was still there and things seemed...back to normal so to speak. Call me sensitive but I hate to leave things with a friend on a bad note. She told me that she really doesn't think she could be able to focus on any kind of relationship because she wants to now focus more on her studies. Which I completely respect and smiled with satisfaction when I heard the news. I was happy she mad that decision which actually did seem like something that she was making for herself...not a decision she was making because someone else felt it was right...but because she thought it was the correct one. I'm not her mom, but I do care about her I guess.

Yeah it's not all about me every time. Well we concluded our conversation over the phone on a good note and this time when we said bye it seemed like the mission was solved and the case was closed...figuratively speaking. I'm just glad our friendship is intact. Now I can focus on my own studies as well. Perhaps I'll see her around at SF State when I visit my friends there, perhaps I won't. Maybe it doesn't really matter. I don't know what the future holds, but I at least know it's a much brighter one as far as this situation is concerned.
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"Every light must fade, every heart return to darkness!"
永遠不要失去信心,你的命運。
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