AnimeSuki Forums

Register Forum Rules FAQ Members List Social Groups Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   AnimeSuki Forum > General > General Chat

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 2012-01-19, 06:50   Link #10001
theAlphaDuck
is Peking
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: London baby YEA!
Quote:
Originally Posted by solomon View Post
Yea, the guys have it right.

True Love is a two way street and even then it may not be forever.

Like I said True Love can exist, but one true love? That's to hawk movies with Hugh Grant in em
One true love - very much exists, and works
One true lust? - yea your just setting yourself up for failure or misery.

you are at most truly happy with someone when they let you be yourself...

wisdom many agree with...

yet when that true self is saying, "damn that girl is pretty hot, a one night stand with her would be the most fun thing i can think of doing right now..."

and your saying.."but what about Cindy my gf?, she would not want me to do that..."

Then your not REALLY being yourself are you?

Because you are changing YOUR behavior, to suit the illogical idea's of someone else.
theAlphaDuck is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-19, 08:52   Link #10002
Kafriel
Senior Guest
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Athens (GMT+2)
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Detective-san View Post
Okay, so I noticed something about the people around me, and it seems that the most common reason for break-ups is that the person somehow turned into someone different from who they thought they were before.

Just an observation, personally I don't see how that can happen because people are generally open books, but I guess it just happens.
Everything changes...cities change, the weather changes, society changes, it's only natural that people change as well. If anyone thinks they'll never change, they're only deluding themselves.
Quote:
I don't think it's so much that they turn into someone different, as much as their idealized image of that person doesn't conform to reality. Once they realize the disconnect...
This is also true, your image is not your true self. Some people get too concerned with images and they are let down by all the little things that actually make someone who they are.
__________________
Kafriel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-19, 11:56   Link #10003
Gamer_2k4
Anime Cynic
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: USA
Age: 25
People get so caught up in "being in a relationship" that they don't look before they leap. They focus on the good and ignore the bad. Problem is, once things get serious, you can't help but have to deal with the bad. For some reason, no one ever talks about these things BEFOREHAND, so it comes as a total shock.
__________________
Gamer_2k4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-19, 12:53   Link #10004
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Detective-san View Post
Yes exactly, as an example a guy I know just broke up with his girlfriend of less than a year and said that it's because she flirts with other guys a lot, which he says wasn't the case before. This only leads me to believe that he never had a good grasp of her personality anyway.
Kafriel had it right: everyone is changing, all of the time. Past a certain age (I think it was somewhere around 22-24 years old) a person's personality changes less, but it still changes. (There are also extreme cases of personality shift that can be brought about by brain tumors or brain damage, but those are unusual...)

It's certainly possible that people never took the time to learn everything about each other, or that one partner was hiding something. It's also quite possible that people grow apart.

Look, a relationship is a lot of work. The reason I dislike the notion of "true love" or "fated lovers" is because people lose their sense of responsibility. They take the stance that if things go sour, then this person must not have been "the one." In reality, things can and will go sour in every relationship. It just means that the partners need to do the work to get over it and restore harmony.

Part of the work involves keeping in sync with one another. Case in point, I've been with my wife for about six years now. We were both 20, and still had growing to do. Since then, we've made the transition of going from the university to graduate school and medical school, made some major moves between different cities, and went through a fair amount of stress together. Neither of us are the same people that we were six years ago - not nearly. Yet we're closer than ever, because we've grown together. We do the work (although it doesn't feel like work): we talk about everything that happened to each of us, we make time for each other, and we resolve any and all things that bother one about the other. When you care about someone and they care about you back, doing that doesn't feel like a big deal. If you add it up, though, that's a ton of time and talking. We're currently separated (schools are apart), yet we still talk for 1-2 hours per day, keeping in sync with each other. (And trust me - with our study schedules, that is really no easy task.)

Each relationship is different, of course - what we do may be excessive for some, and it may be deficient for others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4 View Post
People get so caught up in "being in a relationship" that they don't look before they leap. They focus on the good and ignore the bad. Problem is, once things get serious, you can't help but have to deal with the bad. For some reason, no one ever talks about these things BEFOREHAND, so it comes as a total shock.
It's partly brain chemistry, and partly social. For brain chemistry, studies indicate that for the first few weeks to months of dating, the two people are "addicted" to each other. The brain basically responds to thoughts and other aspects of the partner as if it were receiving addictive drugs. Under those conditions, are people going to notice the negatives, and even if they come up, will they just dismiss them? It doesn't seem surprising.

The social aspect is that nobody wants to "scare someone off." Everyone has baggage, and everyone has problems. Yet if the relationship hasn't become serious, then what prevents a person from simply taking flight once they find out about it? It's better to have them discover all of the good things about you - the things that will show them that it's worth sticking around - before showing them the bad parts, right?

I don't think there's anything wrong with how that usually progresses. The real problem is when people find out about these negatives, but don't do anything about it. It's very uncomfortable to do and I completely understand why people are reluctant to confront those things, but a relationship is made so much stronger for it.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-19, 13:50   Link #10005
DonQuigleone
Knight Errant
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 25
@Ledgem: While it's certainly true that people can grow apart over time (likely resulting in divorces...), I think that when we consider that this is more related to breakups, which in most cases are in relatively shorter relationships, and certainly short enough that no major personality changes should have occured (barring some major life event). In this case, I think it is reasonable to say that when people say "she grew to be someone different" it's more accurate to say "I didn't have an accurate view of her".

When it comes to omance, people always view the object of their affection through "rose tinted glasses" and don't see that person's faults. Because of that fact, it can often be a shock when they see that person do something that doesn't gel with their preconceived view of the person.

For instance a guy might assume the girl he's crushing on is "pure" in a conservative manner, only to see her snort cocaine at a party, somewhat breaking that image.
DonQuigleone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-19, 14:13   Link #10006
Paranoid Android
Underweight Food Hoarder
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Kitch-Water and T.O., Canada
Age: 23
Send a message via MSN to Paranoid Android
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
For instance a guy might assume the girl he's crushing on is "pure" in a conservative manner, only to see her snort cocaine at a party, somewhat breaking that image.
UGH -...- I hate that feeling when reality feels so distant and you wonder if you are actually there or back in your room tripping out.

Yes, most break ups are short term and it's from short term social changes. When someone loses that desperate need of being in a relationship from when they were 'single and looking'.

That or the mystery. Where once the couple begin to uncover each others character; that sense of curiosity dissipates and motivation to continue the relationship in the same vibrant manner is gone.

I think a lot of short term break ups are simply lack of continual interest and then covered up with some lazily thrown together excuses that you want your friends to believe is break-up worthy.
-----------------------
Has anyone broken up with someone and made up again? If so, how did that go. I've been dumped twice where my ex-gf would try to make up again after 6 months of no communication. o__O
Paranoid Android is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-19, 14:59   Link #10007
Gamer_2k4
Anime Cynic
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: USA
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paranoid Android View Post
That or the mystery. Where once the couple begin to uncover each others character; that sense of curiosity dissipates and motivation to continue the relationship in the same vibrant manner is gone.
Perhaps it's just the wrong mindset. For example, I'm at the point in my life where I'm past looking for a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend. I want a potential wife. Because of that, I'm not in it for the "mystery." I made sure to find out what I could about my current girlfriend BEFORE we got serious. Now, the "vibrant manner" comes from being close to a person who is so similar to me. It's BECAUSE of her character that I like her, not in spite of it.
__________________
Gamer_2k4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-29, 00:09   Link #10008
Hera
Member
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Have you ever been so scared of love (or didn't know how to handle it) that you pushed your crush away, even though you know he/she feels the same toward you?
Hera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-29, 00:20   Link #10009
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hera View Post
Have you ever been so scared of love (or didn't know how to handle it) that you pushed your crush away, even though you know he/she feels the same toward you?
No. Is there something that you want to talk about?
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 10:20   Link #10010
Hera
Member
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
I wonder if you could give me some insights/advice on these two situations that are going on with my friends? These two are opposite extremes, I think, and I'm lost at what I can do to help them-- They both are very dear friends of mine:

1/ The first situation is a 15-year-old friend of mine. He confessed to a girl and was rejected. The girl told him she didn't even want to be "close friends." When she started dating someone else, he was devastated and having suicidal thoughts. Luckily, friends talked him out of it. But he still hasn't given up on the girl. He said he would try again and again until he's successful.

2/ The second situation concerns a 20-year-old friend who has a crush on one of his Facebook friends,
but he pushed her away.

Last edited by Hera; 2012-02-04 at 12:43.
Hera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 10:36   Link #10011
Last Sinner
Screw The Rules
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Summoner's Rift
Age: 33
Send a message via MSN to Last Sinner
The first person has idealism and dreams that are somewhat admirable. But if they're going to aspire to that, they need to accept most people don't share that belief or such a pure notion. They will have to be patient, accept that rejection will occur most of the time and learn from it. Hopefully it will strengthen them in the long run.


The second person sounds like a mix of two things.

1. They prefer misery/never taking that chance to daring to having heartbreak for real.

2. They're not ready for love and need to mature before they're ready. Because leading someone on like that then burning them when the moment comes is pretty darn low. Someone who has a proper concept of love and appreciates what it is to care about someone else wouldn't hurt the one they love to such a cruel degree.
__________________
Last Sinner is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 11:09   Link #10012
DonQuigleone
Knight Errant
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 25
@number 1: Not an uncommon experience. It happens to a lot (I'd almost say all but...) of us in our teens. It was the same with me when I was 16, I was convinced me and this girl were destined for one another. She wasn't quite so keen. I never actually outright confessed though.

Anyway, he just has to lose cosmic romantic notions surrounding love, and learn that it's really a transaction between two people who have affection for one another. Due to it being a "transaction", it requires to consent of both. Alas, while you may be in love with her, that's no guarantee she feels the same for you.

Unfortunately, he's probably not going to listen. The feelings are so intense that it's going to be hard for him to admit that love isn't as romantic as he thought. He has to figure it out for himself.

Me, my solution is to only fall in love after you're going out with someone. Easier said then done though. I've gotten better at controlling myself over the years though. Falling in love before hand only leads to frustration and pain, because it's very likely to not work out.

Anyway, just keep him from doing anything to extreme. Get him into casual contact with other women. Or get him to see a side of his crush that's unflattering and doesn't gel with his image of her.


As for number 2: Sorry I got nothing. Either A, he doesn't really like her(or has a crush on someone else), or B, he needs a good slap to put some sense into him. When you like a girl, and she's chasing you, you really have no reason but to say "sure, why not? Let's see how this goes..." Otherwise he seems to be just being a bit melodramatic. Probably better for her sake that she doesn't get involved with him anyway. Who wants that kind of drama?
DonQuigleone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 11:35   Link #10013
Paranoid Android
Underweight Food Hoarder
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Kitch-Water and T.O., Canada
Age: 23
Send a message via MSN to Paranoid Android
1. To that degree it is far past something admirable. It began as admirable but it's going way too overboard. It's the result of having too many fantasies and internal thoughts and too few external interpersonal communication. While I've never been in his shoes or any similar situation; I have had suicidal periods in my past for completely different things and if his idealism is strong enough to invoke suicidal thoughts, there is nothing that can be done. Either accept reality and stop daydreaming or succumb to the depression.

The most misleading/corrupting thing people say far too much is 'be yourself'. Your friend needs to grow up or some part of him needs to change and if you feel the need to step in and help him. Be straight out and blunt that he needs to change. Extreme idealism doesn't work in reality, this isn't a matter of being simply optimistic.

While his thoughts of eternal devotion is extremely common which I've also vowed once. When I broke up for the first time, I simply break that vow with myself. There wasn't even a trauma. I just simply felt embarrassed that I even thought such a thing would exist. Your friend simply didn't have the same coincidental experiences that makes one accept un-ideal events.
---------

2. This is so hard to put into words.

- Love of misery (Masochism, extremely common). Whether he realizes it or not, making things painful and difficult distorts happiness much sweeter than it really is. Many of my friends and I do the same thing.

- Playing hard to get. While playing hard to get to many people sounds stupid, destructive and pointless, people do it anyways. This is an emotional trap. It's very difficult to change from this kind of play to being upfront. He's denying her because he want's to feel needed -AND/OR- he wants to make her feel pain similar to the pain he's inflicting to himself, another kind of kinky romance.

I'm a terrible example of both. No I don't think it works at all. But I can't help it, making things miserable gives me more hope that things would be better. Because if a relationship works out to easily, I feel unsatisfied that I couldn't try my best.

It doesn't work because not everyone's a psychologist who has the time to interpret everyone's emotions and thoughts. Especially that these two haven't even seen each other (or simply not that close).

As a friend, you can either:
A. Tell your friend that he needs to just give it a chance, open up and try it since there's no harm. Tell him that his efforts don't work in reality and those words won't reach the girl the way he wants them to. If I was him, method A doesn't work at all, I think people with this kind of awkward mindset are often stubborn people as well.

B. Tell that girl your friend is shy, white-lie that your friend feels denied (it maybe true but you don't know) and is acting weird. Tell her that there's a hurdle your friend can't overcome, and beg her to try and help your friend and schedule to see each other. This is works much better, but the circumstances are really specific I think

Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
Probably better for her sake that she doesn't get involved with him anyway. Who wants that kind of drama?
Nobody, people do this are rather self-centered. While it is better for her to not be involved. Our friend here is on his friend's side and not that girl's side. So he should be considerate and make things work in his friend's favor. *flips over chair in maniacal laughter*
Paranoid Android is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 12:03   Link #10014
Endless Soul
Megane girl fan
 
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Age: 45
@ Hera - For your item #1, I don't confess this very often but I was like this once. I was about the same age as your friend and was literally batshit crazy for a girl. I was doing everything I could think of to get her to love me back. The result was that I was pushing her even further away, which in turn made me even more desperate to gain her love. I didn't notice it then, but I was also pushing my friends away because all I could do was talk about her, and they were getting sick and tired of hearing about it. I also didn't really listen to anything my friends were trying to tell me about letting her go.

As time went on I grew up a little more physically and emotionally and realized that what I was doing wasn't helping anything. I looked at things from her perspective and saw myself as she must have seen me, and it wasn't pleasant. I also came to the realization that I was never actually in love with her in the first place, but rather, I was in love with the idea of being in love with her. I learned a lesson and this allowed me to move on. My friends came back, or rather, I came back to my friends.

I know this will sound blunt, and I'm sorry about that, but your friend is young, and, while I sympathize with what he is going through because I've been there, he needs to grow up some more before he can find the one he truly loves, and will love him back. Keep talking to him, but unfortunately I doubt he will listen to you. Just be there for him when he snaps out of it.

EDIT: Don Q and Paranoid Android say pretty much the same thing I did, but were faster on the keyboard.

Endless "Batshit crazy" Soul
__________________
VF-19 and VF-22S from Macross Plus
Signature by ganbaru
Endless Soul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 12:49   Link #10015
Kafriel
Senior Guest
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Athens (GMT+2)
Age: 25
Quote:
what I was doing wasn't helping anything. I looked at things from her perspective and saw myself as she must have seen me, and it wasn't pleasant. I also came to the realization that I was never actually in love with her in the first place, but rather, I was in love with the idea of being in love with her. I learned a lesson and this allowed me to move on.
That makes two of us...a few years back, I was very positive that I was in love with this girl, we were kinda close friends and she didn't have many at the time, but the second I opened that mouth of mine about "true feelings", I realized they weren't as real as I had thought. Unfortunately she distanced herself afterwards (which is natural, taking her character into account) but at least I got over it.
__________________
Kafriel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 14:02   Link #10016
DonQuigleone
Knight Errant
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Endless Soul View Post
@ Hera - For your item #1, I don't confess this very often but I was like this once. I was about the same age as your friend and was literally batshit crazy for a girl.
I think everyone is like this at least once in their lives. Love is intense!

Is there anyone who hasn't gone crazy for a girl(or boy) and declared "eternal devotion" to them? Besides those few who are asexuals, I guess.
DonQuigleone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 16:17   Link #10017
Paranoid Android
Underweight Food Hoarder
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Kitch-Water and T.O., Canada
Age: 23
Send a message via MSN to Paranoid Android
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
I think everyone is like this at least once in their lives. Love is intense!

Is there anyone who hasn't gone crazy for a girl(or boy) and declared "eternal devotion" to them? Besides those few who are asexuals, I guess.
Yeah I agree, however budding and fission are like totally hip ways to reproduce nowadays.
Paranoid Android is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 17:41   Link #10018
Tenken's Smile
Eternity Wish
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Above the Sky
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paranoid Android View Post
- Love of misery
- Playing hard to get.
What kind of jerks would do this?!?!? Not to mention those two "tactics" would backfire more than anything.
Tenken's Smile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-30, 17:56   Link #10019
NoemiChan
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Philippines
Age: 26
Send a message via Yahoo to NoemiChan Send a message via Skype™ to NoemiChan
I had many crushes (some love) ever since elementary up to college but decide to get into relationship only if I will reach 30 years old or at least be financially stable before leading to getting married. As, the only child, I had to put into priority my parents first, before expanding my family tree....

"I wish that my first love would be my true love."
NoemiChan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-01-31, 07:28   Link #10020
Masuzu
勝利のため
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: キセキの世代
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
I think everyone is like this at least once in their lives. Love is intense!

Is there anyone who hasn't gone crazy for a girl(or boy) and declared "eternal devotion" to them? Besides those few who are asexuals, I guess.
I've gone crazy, but never devoted myself.

I'm the kind of guy who prefers apartments to houses, if you know what I mean.
Masuzu is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 23:57.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
We use Silk.