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Old 2012-06-29, 08:48   Link #10461
Merilyn Mensola
I am a Boxer
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Where hot girls are fighting!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Godlike1889 View Post
Ehh not really, she was asking what the best way was to keep it a secret from every guy. ANYWAYS, let's end the discussion about her and move on, she is not worth our time

yes, she was asking it, but she also said: guy1-guy2-guy3-guy4...

However i agree bro,Let's move on.
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Old 2012-06-29, 11:27   Link #10462
solomon
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Suburban DC
I say try online dating, but don't rely on it.

You're likely not going to speaking to your partner JUST through an electronic avatar, you have to get real human face time.

Do online dating but keep it as a back up.
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Old 2012-06-30, 07:04   Link #10463
NoemiChan
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Age: 26
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Lucky for you guys. I never had a girlfriend since I was born. I had many crushes but I don't know..

I had a crush on my Elementary days but her big Bro threatened me!!!
I had mutual understanding with a girl in my high school days but a suitor of her threatened me!!!
..and in college... I can't decide among the many single females in my nursing batch!!!

Hey, I'm not gay!!!
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Old 2012-06-30, 07:06   Link #10464
Ascaloth
I don't give a damn, dude
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In Despair
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Detective-san View Post
I remember around the same time last year I posted something about going to a party and getting the number of a girl I used to know. Long story short that didn't work out but it's okay. Well here I am approximately a year later, in a similar situation.

Okay, the party I was talking about last year is a yearly party around here. So this year i attended it once again and here I am much in the same situation I was in last time. From what I've just said you've probably figured out that I ran into another girl at this certain party, let's hide her under the name 'Mio'. Unlike the girl from last year she isn't someone that I used to know, in fact I've never seen her before. I was walking around with my friends when I saw a girl cosplaying, ofcourse I freaked out. It was beyond me why she would do that but it was enough of a shock that I couldn't think about anything else for the rest of the party.

Before everyone went home I saw her standing alone near the exit, I knew it was my chance to get her number but I backed off at the last moment and decided to go home...knowing I'd probably never see her again. But I couldn't let it be like that, I ran back and saw her walking away but I caught up with her and asked for her number.

Just sharing, hopefully I play my cards right and this time turns out better.
You never did say whether she gave it to you...
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Old 2012-06-30, 07:35   Link #10465
Masuzu
« 勝利のため »
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: « キセキの世代 »
^ She did.

We go to the same school and she's my underclassman by around a year or two.
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Old 2012-06-30, 13:01   Link #10466
Dextro
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Lisbon, Portugal
Age: 27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Detective-san View Post
I remember around the same time last year I posted something about going to a party and getting the number of a girl I used to know. Long story short that didn't work out but it's okay. Well here I am approximately a year later, in a similar situation.

Okay, the party I was talking about last year is a yearly party around here. So this year i attended it once again and here I am much in the same situation I was in last time. From what I've just said you've probably figured out that I ran into another girl at this certain party, let's hide her under the name 'Mio'. Unlike the girl from last year she isn't someone that I used to know, in fact I've never seen her before. I was walking around with my friends when I saw a girl cosplaying, ofcourse I freaked out. It was beyond me why she would do that but it was enough of a shock that I couldn't think about anything else for the rest of the party.

Before everyone went home I saw her standing alone near the exit, I knew it was my chance to get her number but I backed off at the last moment and decided to go home...knowing I'd probably never see her again. But I couldn't let it be like that, I ran back and saw her walking away but I caught up with her and asked for her number.

Just sharing, hopefully I play my cards right and this time turns out better.
But let's talk about the important stuff: was she cosplaying as "Mio"? xD

PS: oh and good luck. I should probably add that as well.
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Old 2012-06-30, 19:32   Link #10467
Malkuth
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dextro View Post
But let's talk about the important stuff: was she cosplaying as "Mio"? xD

PS: oh and good luck. I should probably add that as well.
Interesting question... what is your experience with western cosplayers? My only experience is as Akiha@Tsukihime in order to get my Kohaku@Tsukihime act in character

My second attempt did not progress far enough to be worthy of even mentioning
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Old 2012-06-30, 22:10   Link #10468
Masuzu
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dextro View Post
But let's talk about the important stuff: was she cosplaying as "Mio"? xD

PS: oh and good luck. I should probably add that as well.
Indeed she was, apparently cosplaying is a regular thing for her.

My friends keep joking about how I'm such a bad dude going for my underclassman.
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Old 2012-07-01, 11:16   Link #10469
Ledgem
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
about the too general introduction that sounded plain, i did not present my whole self there and also i have my own quirks and hobbies as such, I love science, cars and motorsports involving drifting drag racing and tuning, astronomy, many conventional sports, anime, manga, light novels, sci-fi, adventure books and movies(i actually read a lot), i am also fascinated by nature, and natural phenomenas that happen all around us, i love to dance listen to music, hang out and party with my friends (usually the old ones from high school),
all these things define me as such and because they are rather unusual things that go together in my life many people think that i am a chaotic, unpredictable person who is also a geek.
That's fine. You are who you are - you may not be very similar to everyone else, but there's nothing to be ashamed or worried about. It only means that you may have a harder time finding someone with shared interests as you. However, you don't need to expect that, either: it's fine to be in a relationship with someone who has different hobbies and interests. As long as you both have enough overlap in activities that you can enjoy spending time together, and as long as you don't expect to find someone with all of the same interests, you'll be fine.

Keep in mind that a relationship changes both people who enter into it. You may give up some of your hobbies for her and take up some of hers; she may give up some of hers and take up some of yours. What matters the most is that the both of you have similar values and goals for the relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
maybe i was too much of a nice guy that is why i go friend zoned but i don't know any other way to approach a stranger without getting rejected. so i go with the reject-free solution to become a friend with her and advance further.....i know it is a wrong tactic but i don't have confidence in myself i am too shy, and tend to blush (becoming red to the ears) when i talk to a girl to whom i am romantically attracted.
The downside to the "friendship approach" is that it's more difficult to enter into a romantic relationship. The upside is that when you do enter into one, it's probably going to be stronger and more serious.

The idea behind the "friend zone" isn't an exact science, but the psychology behind it makes sense. If you know a girl for a year and haven't made a move on her, and she doesn't seem attracted to you, then it makes sense that you're too late: she has grown comfortable with the relationship as it is, and may not be able to see herself with you. However, it's fine to get to know someone for a few weeks, and then make a move. Don't feel pressured to ask people out after meeting them one or two times.

As to being shy, this is something that you can work on. You need to change how you view yourself. Why are you blushing when you talk to someone that you're attracted to? Are you embarrassed? Is it wrong for a man to be attracted to a woman, and to express his interest in her? No, of course not. Feel no shame in it: you are doing what you need to do, and whether the woman accepts or rejects you, she will feel pleased that someone expressed interest in her. So when you do this, feel confident and proud.

Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
about getting to know new girls i am out but im too much of a coward to talk to them.
Why?

Is it because you're shy in general? I used to be very socially shy. I probably could have been diagnosed with a psychiatric condition: it was to the point where I couldn't eat with strangers, because I would feel so anxious that I'd feel terribly nauseous.

Is it because you're afraid of being rejected? I used to have that fear, too. Then - after days of agony - I finally asked a girl out. I was rejected. I discovered that it didn't kill me, and suddenly it was as if a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Being rejected wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be.

In both cases (being shy and being afraid of rejection), what ultimately allowed me to turn things around was altering how I viewed myself. I used to think that I was a nice guy who was worth something, but my self-confidence was incredibly poor. I don't know if you feel the same way, but look at what you're writing: you're thinking that you're 24 and you've never dated. You're worried about it, because you're thinking that most people your age have already hooked up with many other people. Are you thinking that you're a loser, or that something is wrong with you?

Wipe that thought from your mind. Life is not a set pattern that everyone follows. So you haven't dated - so what? It doesn't say anything about you.

So alter your view of yourself. Recognize that if and when a girl rejects you, the only thing it means is that she wasn't interested. It does not mean that you're ugly, that you're stupid, that you're awkward, or that you have no chance with any woman. Not every girl will be interested; that's life. Get used to it, accept it, and let it roll off of you. Instead of focusing on yourself, be happy that you asked her out at all, knowing that it's a confidence booster for her. At the very least, focusing on it that way should help you to simply ask.

Are you still not feeling worthwhile, or like you're attractive? Go to the gym. I'm not even talking about body-building, this is psychological: by going to the gym, lifting some weights, or doing some form of workout, you will feel better about yourself. In the back of your mind you'll think "I work out" and you will feel more powerful. It's only a bonus if you work out for long enough to build up some sort of physique (assuming you don't already have it).

Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
i was thinking of maybe i should go to dance lessons(there i might meet new girls and because you have to dance with them the approach problem might be avoided), or another thng i would like to start up with kendo (we have a kendo school, but i don't know if there are any girls here), i somehow missed two anime meetings where i certainly could have found girls with similar interests as me (i will try to get to it next time), about meeting other girls in their 18-20's what suggestion do you have? cooking school? might be good? i don't have the slightest idea where i could go to meet girls where they are in numerical advantage but i don't feel bad being with them...(i htink dance school was a good suggestion but i'd like other ideas too,
Take a walk outside. See any women? You can talk to any one of them.

Now granted, talking to women on the street doesn't put you at an advantage for going out with them. People on the street are generally trying to get somewhere and they're not expecting to be interrupted. Trying to talk to them might put them in a bad mood. But the point is that you don't need to be one man among tens or hundreds of women. If you're waiting for a bus or are at a coffee shop and you see a woman who looks interesting, just talk to her. If you find that she's actually unattractive to you and you don't want to pursue it further, you can break it off right there. Otherwise, push farther: try to get her number, or request to meet her again. You may not be successful... but then again, you might be successful. You won't know unless you try.

A lot of men refer to dating as a game. It sounds condescending to women, but in a certain way, thinking of it as a game isn't a bad way to go when it comes to finding new people. You get to know new people, you try to be as charming as possible, and you keep seeing how far you can advance the relationship. You won't always be successful, either, but hey - you have unlimited tries! As long as you don't take anything personally in those early stages, you're good to go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
in our town most of the festivals are in autumn so there is no problem i tend to go to them but i already said that i have problems talking to girls who i don't know, and what i should talk about?
Anything, but nothing too personal on your end. Small talk is a skill that comes with experience. Once you start talking about things that really matter to you, that you're really passionate about, you're in danger of monopolizing the conversation or polarizing your conversation partner. If those topics come up, keep it light and don't go too deep. Above all, try to keep the conversation either about her, or about something that she seems engaged in.

And again, remember not to take anything too personally, or to invest too much of yourself in these encounters. If you do, you'll find yourself very hurt by each rejection (or perceived rejection), and you'll feel too drained by each unsuccessful encounter to keep trying for more. At this point it's a matter of quantity over quality. If you find someone interesting who seems like they might be interested back, that's when you put more focus and energy into it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
the internet dating might be onvenient for someone with almost no free time as me and i tried it too and met up with some girls but somehow the fire died out and i became just a name in their list.
How did the fire die out? Did you meet with these girls as friends, or were you actively trying to charm them? Were you actively asking them for another date, or were you waiting for them to get back to you?

Whether it's internet dating or not, you need to be persistent. The difficulty is finding a balance: you need to be persistent, but not so persistent that you frighten them off.

Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
honestly i'd like to have a serious relationship but i think i should start up with something that doesn't last long to gain some XP.
The only experience you need is in making those connections with women. As far as serious relationships go, no amount of experience can really make a serious relationship. What matters in a serious relationship is that both people involved want to be in it, they both have similar values, they both value each other, and they both have similar long-term goals for their lives together. The only way to achieve that is partially by chance (meeting the right person) and by talking it out once you're in the relationship.

Here's my challenge to you, to push you to where you need to be. When you go out today (or tomorrow, if you're reading this at night), I want you to make eye contact with the strangers that you encounter in your day-to-day routine. Don't stare them down, but glance at their eyes, and if they glance back, hold that for a second before looking away. If you lock eyes with an attractive woman, give her a small smile before looking away. Get into the habit of doing this: making eye contact makes random encounters to be more likely. This applies to both romance and business.

The challenge continues. I want you to go to a coffee shop (or a bar, if you're into that). Find a woman who is alone (or who is with one female friend, although that makes it slightly more challenging). Don't even give yourself time to think and over-analyze the situation: just talk to her. Ask her how the book she's reading is, or about the drink/food she has, or about how she feels the temperature in the establishment is - anything. (Although that last one is a little weak.) If you want to go for the gold, keep it going: tell her your first name (ideally she'll give you hers, at least to be polite), and try to come up with more things to say and talk about.

Most likely nothing will come from doing either of those two things. Don't expect it to: this is a process. At the end of the process you will not think of yourself as a shy person, and going through these encounters will not seem like a big deal. I promise you. And if you happen to get brushed off or told off with one of these challenges, don't take it personally: we'll laugh it off together. Your technique may need some work, and there's plenty of time to figure that out and try again.

You're unhappy with the way things are going. Push yourself and change it up.
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Old 2012-07-01, 12:43   Link #10470
Ledgem
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
Well then, for a change of pace from multi-dating exploits...

Update on my situation; I've been with my girl for more than two years at this point. My parents ask me questions when she doesn't come over for the weekend. I've met her parents a number of times, and I recently hosted them when they came over here for a vacation, so they like me well enough. All's well, right?

Well, depending on one's POV, a little too well. She's been poking me increasingly frequently about registering with her. Her parents have also weighed in on that score, telling her we should register soon since she's not getting any younger (she's like 24 for goodness sake, her biological clock isn't ticking away that fast). Even my parents have started talking to me about it, since like my mother said, we've been together more than two years and it doesn't seem like that's going to change anytime soon, so might as well, right?

I do intend to marry her, I've even told her as such, and the current plan is I'll do so next year. If you ask me whether I have any good reasons not to do so... well, I don't. Besides, registering with her will come with its share of benefits, as my fellow countrymen would be familiar with. But somehow, it still feels so... fast.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

*head-in-sand*

I think I need some psyching-up, guys.
I'm not familiar with what "registering" is. Is that similar to being in a domestic partnership? That's basically having the government recognize the union, but there's no marriage certificate or such things. There are some benefits (the domestic partner is considered to be the one in charge of medical decisions if the other partner can't make those decisions, for example), but I don't think that they receive the tax benefits that married couples do. (But that's all American stuff; not sure how other countries handle it.)

So, marriage. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling some jitters about it. If you take marriage seriously, it's a big deal. You are committing to live out your life with another person, no matter what happens. Sure, divorce exists, but if you're serious about your vows, it's not really an option. Who wouldn't feel a bit nervous or have second thoughts about making that commitment? I think it's perfectly normal.

The key is to do it on your own schedule. Don't do it because parents want you to or because your girlfriend is clamoring for it: do it because you want to do it.

It sounds like you already have it in mind that you're going to do it, though, so this isn't a big deal. Based on my experience, I'll say that you may still experience doubts leading up to the wedding. But once it's official, those doubts are completely dispersed from your mind. At that point, you and your wife are totally committed to each other (ideally). You know there's no going back: you can both only go forward, together. At that point, it is a wonderful feeling, and there will be no doubts.

Of course, that all assumes that you're a good match for each other and that you did all of the work that you needed to do in building up a strong relationship in the first place!

Take some time to think about it. If you're feeling nervous, ask yourself why it is. As I said, some degree of nervousness and doubt is normal. But if there are any major issues that are on your mind, now is the time to try and resolve them. If you can't resolve them, you may want to call things off.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
Before you guys get married, please please please please please do some FUCKING FINANCIAL PLANNING before ringing those damn bells. It is not a symbol of maturity when you find out that you don't have enough money to send your kids through tertiary education.

If you can't spare time for your wife and children, or spare money to buy time for your wife and children, don't get married to someone 3D. Find a 2D wife or husband instead.
Your advice is good, but getting married doesn't mean you automatically have a child. I was married about 2.5 years ago, and my wife and I aren't planning on having a child for at least another three years. You don't need to hold off on getting married just because you can't yet afford a child.
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Old 2012-07-01, 13:52   Link #10471
Ascaloth
I don't give a damn, dude
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In Despair
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
I'm not familiar with what "registering" is. Is that similar to being in a domestic partnership? That's basically having the government recognize the union, but there's no marriage certificate or such things. There are some benefits (the domestic partner is considered to be the one in charge of medical decisions if the other partner can't make those decisions, for example), but I don't think that they receive the tax benefits that married couples do. (But that's all American stuff; not sure how other countries handle it.)
I knew I should have gone for the simple, clear-cut term instead of the woolly non-description.

Basically, when I said 'registering', I meant going to the Registry of Marriages here in Singapore, and register as an officially married couple. As far as I'm aware, there is no legal 'intermediate' stage between singlehood and marriage here, it's all or nothing.

So yeah, she basically wants the official certificate next year. She's actually fine with having any ceremonies, or whatever shebang that comes with it, later on when we're better able to afford it.

Quote:
So, marriage. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling some jitters about it. If you take marriage seriously, it's a big deal. You are committing to live out your life with another person, no matter what happens. Sure, divorce exists, but if you're serious about your vows, it's not really an option. Who wouldn't feel a bit nervous or have second thoughts about making that commitment? I think it's perfectly normal.

The key is to do it on your own schedule. Don't do it because parents want you to or because your girlfriend is clamoring for it: do it because you want to do it.

It sounds like you already have it in mind that you're going to do it, though, so this isn't a big deal. Based on my experience, I'll say that you may still experience doubts leading up to the wedding. But once it's official, those doubts are completely dispersed from your mind. At that point, you and your wife are totally committed to each other (ideally). You know there's no going back: you can both only go forward, together. At that point, it is a wonderful feeling, and there will be no doubts.

Of course, that all assumes that you're a good match for each other and that you did all of the work that you needed to do in building up a strong relationship in the first place!

Take some time to think about it. If you're feeling nervous, ask yourself why it is. As I said, some degree of nervousness and doubt is normal. But if there are any major issues that are on your mind, now is the time to try and resolve them. If you can't resolve them, you may want to call things off.
Well, the main reasons I'm feeling the jitters about marriage are these;

1) Lifestyle changes. These days, I go to work, knock off, and come back home to kill the rest of the night with my own hobbies. She goes to work, knocks off (or does OT), and goes back to her place at night and does her own thing. She comes over on the weekend, and depending on each other's schedules, we either go on an outing or otherwise just stay in my room, and she basically enjoys my bed.

It's a pretty comfortable way of life for the both of us currently. That sure as hell is going to change after marriage, and at this point, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to face such a great turning point in my life.

I mean, it's not like things are going to change immediately after getting the certificate, since we'll have to get our own place first (and in Singapore, young couples trying to get their own place is literally a fucking lottery). We'll probably go on like we are for a while yet; the thing is, once I put pen to paper, I know I'm going to set in motion a chain of events. We're eventually going to get that place, we're going to move in, we're going to actually start living together for real, start having to make mutual sacrifices, eventually even having that kid... we're actually going to have to fucking act like adults. I don't feel ready for that.

2) Speaking of kids, remember my concerns a few years back about my family history. Yeah, that's going to come back to haunt me again. Not anytime soon; she's seen my point about doing what she can with her youth before settling down and starting a family, but she's still going to want a child eventually. And when that time comes, I don't think I can refuse her.

So, yeah. Yet another one of those things I know I'm going to sign myself up for once I've signed the document in my own blood.

3) Finances. She's currently in a better-paying job than I am, and has more savings to go along with it. It'll probably still be the case by the time we get married for real, not that it should pose much of a problem; she's perfectly fine with being the main breadwinner, and (knowing her ) I'm probably going to have to pull most of the weight in terms of housekeeping anyway.

Even so, I don't feel comfortable signing our lives together until I at least have a comfortable amount of savings, and have progressed somewhat further than I currently have in my career. If I were to put it in a nicer-sounding way, I want to avoid having her sign her life to some complete deadbeat. If I were to put it in a completely ego-centric way? I want to prove to myself that I'm at least not a complete deadbeat by that time.

So, yeah. Pretty much the main reasons at this point.
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Old 2012-07-01, 14:43   Link #10472
Ledgem
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
Well, the main reasons I'm feeling the jitters about marriage are these;

1) Lifestyle changes. These days, I go to work, knock off, and come back home to kill the rest of the night with my own hobbies. She goes to work, knocks off (or does OT), and goes back to her place at night and does her own thing. She comes over on the weekend, and depending on each other's schedules, we either go on an outing or otherwise just stay in my room, and she basically enjoys my bed.

It's a pretty comfortable way of life for the both of us currently. That sure as hell is going to change after marriage, and at this point, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to face such a great turning point in my life.
For some reason I thought you two were already living together. OK, this one I understand: that's a big change.

It's really too bad that living together as an unmarried couple is still viewed as being a bit scandalous. I think it's the ultimate test of the relationship. When you live together, the relationship is no longer a convenience or activity that you do on occasion. It is 24/7, and you are exposed to every aspect of the person. You discover things about the person that you might not have realized previously, and you get a sense of how compatible you really are.

Of course, it's not that living together forces you to be joined at the hip. Sure, if you live in a box then you're forced to get more face time, but there's no absolute obligation to do things together. Case in point, my wife and I love to be around each other, and we've lived in tiny apartments: we have two L-shaped desks that are joined together, but even though we're in close proximity, we'll do our own things. Obviously that means I need to use headphones if I want to listen to music that she doesn't like, or if she's studying, but it's not a huge issue.

And if you're not living in a box, all the better! Take one room as your den or study (what ever they call it in Singapore), and use that as your own personal space. Just don't spend all of your time there, lest your wife-to-be feel neglected

The only way to really get over this one is to see what it's like to live together. You don't even need to change your current living arrangement. Pack a suitcase, and live at her place for a week. Then switch, and have her live at your place. Cycle like that for a month or more. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first, but the point will be to see how you feel about being around her all of the time like that. Unless you were planning on having a mansion and having separate bedrooms, you're going to be doing that anyway, so why not try it out? Think of it as the final compatibility test to take before making the big commitment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
2) Speaking of kids, remember my concerns a few years back about my family history. Yeah, that's going to come back to haunt me again. Not anytime soon; she's seen my point about doing what she can with her youth before settling down and starting a family, but she's still going to want a child eventually. And when that time comes, I don't think I can refuse her.

So, yeah. Yet another one of those things I know I'm going to sign myself up for once I've signed the document in my own blood.
You might have to refresh my memory about your history... but all the same, the child issue is a big one. In America, at least, the top two reasons why marriages end in divorce is over finances (#1) and disagreement over whether or not to have a child (#2). If the issue is over when to have a child, that's not a big deal. If the issue is over whether to have a child or not, that's something you need to work out before getting married.

As to "being an adult" - what parent has their first child and feels like they're a true adult, and ready to be a parent? Even if people were expecting and wanting a child, I'm sure most have thought to themselves "how the heck am I going to do this, I still feel like a kid, myself." Consider how old your parents were when they had you: were they really that much older than you are now? And things weren't so different back then, either. Since I'm childless at the moment I'm obviously speculating, but I'm pretty sure it's one of those things where you rise to the occasion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
3) Finances. She's currently in a better-paying job than I am, and has more savings to go along with it. It'll probably still be the case by the time we get married for real, not that it should pose much of a problem; she's perfectly fine with being the main breadwinner, and (knowing her ) I'm probably going to have to pull most of the weight in terms of housekeeping anyway.

Even so, I don't feel comfortable signing our lives together until I at least have a comfortable amount of savings, and have progressed somewhat further than I currently have in my career. If I were to put it in a nicer-sounding way, I want to avoid having her sign her life to some complete deadbeat. If I were to put it in a completely ego-centric way? I want to prove to myself that I'm at least not a complete deadbeat by that time.
Male pride stuff. I won't knock it, but I think it's overrated. Does she care that she's making more than you? Will you be able to match or exceed her salary before then?

I'm not trying to discredit your feelings and desire to feel worthy, but consider what you're trying to accomplish. You're holding up the advancement of your relationship with the woman you plan to merge your life with over money. Is it worth it?

My line of reasoning with this stems from countless people who, on their death bed, would remark 'you know, looking back on it, I put the most time into my career and trying to make money, but that wasn't important. What was important was my family and friends. I wish I'd put more time and focus into that.' What you're trying to do is a little different, but I just wonder if you'd look back on this time, 20 years from now, and think to yourself, "that was silly. Why did I wait?" (Hopefully you'd think that, and not "why didn't I wait longer" )

Don't downplay your own feelings and values, of course, but take a hard look at whether it's something that really matters enough to delay over. If it really does matter to you, then don't bother with what I or anyone else thinks: prove to yourself that you're not a bum first, if that's what you need to do.
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Old 2012-07-01, 14:54   Link #10473
ReaperxKingx
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All these questions are better solved with your partner Ascaloth. If you are nervous, best not to keep it in after the wedding otherwise you are literally sitting on a time bomb. Talking to each other and understanding the views of your partner is important for relationships. Although I think many will disagree with me, go visit a couple Councillor or as many would call it a "Shrink". Best to lay out all your doubts on the table, not for yourself but for your partner, she may have some doubts too. May take some time and a little bit of a hit to your pride, in the end results it is worth it.
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Old 2012-07-01, 16:42   Link #10474
Dextro
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReaperxKingx View Post
All these questions are better solved with your partner Ascaloth. If you are nervous, best not to keep it in after the wedding otherwise you are literally sitting on a time bomb. Talking to each other and understanding the views of your partner is important for relationships. Although I think many will disagree with me, go visit a couple Councillor or as many would call it a "Shrink". Best to lay out all your doubts on the table, not for yourself but for your partner, she may have some doubts too. May take some time and a little bit of a hit to your pride, in the end results it is worth it.
You're right, someone will disagree with you and it'll be me.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not one of those people that believes that "shrinks" are just quacks or anything like that but more that I believe that going to one is overkill for the case in point.

Ascaloth I can see exactly what's going through your mind: you feel like a kid (like most of us do) and you don't believe yourself to be ready to "become an adult" and I can understand that. I'm currently on my last year of college and have only 3 exams left before I graduate and it's already scaring the bejesus out of me just thinking how the hell am I going to get work on this damned economy and I don't have a relationship to worry about even.

I can however see that Ledgem has a very good point: you should talk this things out with your girlfriend and allow her to help you with this. All your doubts seem perfectly natural so just talk it out and maybe take up the advice of spending a couple of weeks/months living together at your parents place just to get the feel of it.

As for the children situation I won't comment since I don't know the details and I myself tend to get my own relationships torn apart when the subject comes up since I'm not really interested in having them (and most girls I've been with have been of the opposing opinion on that matter which, as has been mentioned before, is a very vital subject to many people).
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Old 2012-07-01, 22:40   Link #10475
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Spoiler for click to see the rest....(page would be too long, if no spoiler-tag here):
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
The only experience you need is in making those connections with women. As far as serious relationships go, no amount of experience can really make a serious relationship. What matters in a serious relationship is that both people involved want to be in it, they both have similar values, they both value each other, and they both have similar long-term goals for their lives together. The only way to achieve that is partially by chance (meeting the right person) and by talking it out once you're in the relationship.

Here's my challenge to you, to push you to where you need to be. When you go out today (or tomorrow, if you're reading this at night), I want you to make eye contact with the strangers that you encounter in your day-to-day routine. Don't stare them down, but glance at their eyes, and if they glance back, hold that for a second before looking away. If you lock eyes with an attractive woman, give her a small smile before looking away. Get into the habit of doing this: making eye contact makes random encounters to be more likely. This applies to both romance and business.

The challenge continues. I want you to go to a coffee shop (or a bar, if you're into that). Find a woman who is alone (or who is with one female friend, although that makes it slightly more challenging). Don't even give yourself time to think and over-analyze the situation: just talk to her. Ask her how the book she's reading is, or about the drink/food she has, or about how she feels the temperature in the establishment is - anything. (Although that last one is a little weak.) If you want to go for the gold, keep it going: tell her your first name (ideally she'll give you hers, at least to be polite), and try to come up with more things to say and talk about.

Most likely nothing will come from doing either of those two things. Don't expect it to: this is a process. At the end of the process you will not think of yourself as a shy person, and going through these encounters will not seem like a big deal. I promise you. And if you happen to get brushed off or told off with one of these challenges, don't take it personally: we'll laugh it off together. Your technique may need some work, and there's plenty of time to figure that out and try again.

You're unhappy with the way things are going. Push yourself and change it up.

Thank you very much for the advice. The problem is now clear to me now that i got it in my face. I'm shy because I'm afraid of rejection, and tend to be passive because of this that is why i did not advance further when i met up with girls,

I like your challenge and i will take it up, starting today i will make the eye-contacts and the smiles, i will go up to talk to girls, and not put my "heart" in it, so i can brush it off as nothing, if i get rejected.

I will also try to block out my though-processes, because I'm a fast thinker and by the time i walk to the girl i have already had simulated 100k of failed scenarios and that gives me no confidence at all. I will try the usual "be cool, nothing bad is gonna happen" , heck i might even lay her :P

these were some pro advice, i will keep you updated on the process, and if needed i will ask for some suggestions.

<<confidence booster activated>>
<<activating bad-ass mode>>

Hope that i won't get an epic fail now

Thanks again
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Old 2012-07-01, 23:15   Link #10476
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I think I have met a real life tsundere, here is the story..


There is a new girl at my second job (me= chef she= waitress), she seem really nice to everyone else but me. She always gives me this dirty look when I ask for anything and will hardly talk to me. I have done nothing to deserve such treatment and I am the only one she acts like this towards. I have been nothing but nice to her and never done anything that could upset her in anyway..

I think she much like me because I am the only one that she acts like this towards and I am also not the only one that notices it..


thoughts?
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Old 2012-07-02, 02:28   Link #10477
Ascaloth
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
For some reason I thought you two were already living together. OK, this one I understand: that's a big change.

It's really too bad that living together as an unmarried couple is still viewed as being a bit scandalous. I think it's the ultimate test of the relationship. When you live together, the relationship is no longer a convenience or activity that you do on occasion. It is 24/7, and you are exposed to every aspect of the person. You discover things about the person that you might not have realized previously, and you get a sense of how compatible you really are.

Of course, it's not that living together forces you to be joined at the hip. Sure, if you live in a box then you're forced to get more face time, but there's no absolute obligation to do things together. Case in point, my wife and I love to be around each other, and we've lived in tiny apartments: we have two L-shaped desks that are joined together, but even though we're in close proximity, we'll do our own things. Obviously that means I need to use headphones if I want to listen to music that she doesn't like, or if she's studying, but it's not a huge issue.

And if you're not living in a box, all the better! Take one room as your den or study (what ever they call it in Singapore), and use that as your own personal space. Just don't spend all of your time there, lest your wife-to-be feel neglected

The only way to really get over this one is to see what it's like to live together. You don't even need to change your current living arrangement. Pack a suitcase, and live at her place for a week. Then switch, and have her live at your place. Cycle like that for a month or more. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first, but the point will be to see how you feel about being around her all of the time like that. Unless you were planning on having a mansion and having separate bedrooms, you're going to be doing that anyway, so why not try it out? Think of it as the final compatibility test to take before making the big commitment.
Oh. Well, it's not possible to stay at her place (it's a rented room, and I don't think the home owners will be too thrilled about that), but she has stayed over for more than a week at a time on occasion. So yeah, not exactly the 24/7 of what you suggested, but probably close enough that I'm pretty sure 'having to see each other day in day out' is probably going to be the least of our worries.

Actually, my worries are more about making our place a 'home', if you get my meaning. It's not just acquiring a place, but it's also about the work needed to make it 'home' such as getting the money for the furniture, moving stuff, handling the bills, housework etc.

And then there's the fact that, because she's a foreigner, the process to get us officially registered as a married couple is going to be quite a bit more complicated than if I were to marry a local girl (while I'm at it, thanks to SaintessHeart for the assistance he has rendered ). Who knows what other legal matters are going to crop up in the future too; there's a reason why Singapore is called a Little Red Dot, and that's because the dot is covered all over with red tape.

You know, adult stuff. And not the enjoyable kind.


Quote:
You might have to refresh my memory about your history... but all the same, the child issue is a big one. In America, at least, the top two reasons why marriages end in divorce is over finances (#1) and disagreement over whether or not to have a child (#2). If the issue is over when to have a child, that's not a big deal. If the issue is over whether to have a child or not, that's something you need to work out before getting married.

As to "being an adult" - what parent has their first child and feels like they're a true adult, and ready to be a parent? Even if people were expecting and wanting a child, I'm sure most have thought to themselves "how the heck am I going to do this, I still feel like a kid, myself." Consider how old your parents were when they had you: were they really that much older than you are now? And things weren't so different back then, either. Since I'm childless at the moment I'm obviously speculating, but I'm pretty sure it's one of those things where you rise to the occasion.
I'm not surprised you can't recall the specifics of my family history, since there's nothing to recall; I was never too detailed about it, heh.

To be concise, the autism spectrum runs in my blood. I realise that any genetic links to the condition are inconclusive at best, but if I look just at my personal family history alone, I'm inclined to think there's some truth to the matter at the very least. She is well aware of the matter, and she has indicated she'll stay with me regardless of that. Still, I'm not comfortable with the possibility that there's a chance she'll have to suffer what my mother has.

Frankly, if not for this, the fact that my country is a shitty place to raise a kid these days, and my personal (and probably childish) indisposition towards having to deal with potential brattiness (and if a child of my girl breeds true, he/she will be a brat alright lol ), I honestly would not mind. As it is though, I can't help feeling the cards are stacked against me. :/


Quote:
Male pride stuff. I won't knock it, but I think it's overrated. Does she care that she's making more than you? Will you be able to match or exceed her salary before then?

I'm not trying to discredit your feelings and desire to feel worthy, but consider what you're trying to accomplish. You're holding up the advancement of your relationship with the woman you plan to merge your life with over money. Is it worth it?

My line of reasoning with this stems from countless people who, on their death bed, would remark 'you know, looking back on it, I put the most time into my career and trying to make money, but that wasn't important. What was important was my family and friends. I wish I'd put more time and focus into that.' What you're trying to do is a little different, but I just wonder if you'd look back on this time, 20 years from now, and think to yourself, "that was silly. Why did I wait?" (Hopefully you'd think that, and not "why didn't I wait longer" )

Don't downplay your own feelings and values, of course, but take a hard look at whether it's something that really matters enough to delay over. If it really does matter to you, then don't bother with what I or anyone else thinks: prove to yourself that you're not a bum first, if that's what you need to do.
Yeah, I know. It's why I said I don't have a good reason not to go through with it, haha!

Yeah, she doesn't care that she earns more than I do; I think part of it is because she comes from such a background herself. I don't believe that's really going to change in the future either, since she is a more capable person than I am in general.

Even so, I guess what I'm really aiming to do is to prove to myself that I'm ready to take on the responsibilities; I need to know I can pull my weight in the household, and it really doesn't matter to me how as long as I can do it. It's part of why I asked you guys to psych me up, too.
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Old 2012-07-03, 07:05   Link #10478
Ledgem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
Actually, my worries are more about making our place a 'home', if you get my meaning. It's not just acquiring a place, but it's also about the work needed to make it 'home' such as getting the money for the furniture, moving stuff, handling the bills, housework etc.

And then there's the fact that, because she's a foreigner, the process to get us officially registered as a married couple is going to be quite a bit more complicated than if I were to marry a local girl (while I'm at it, thanks to SaintessHeart for the assistance he has rendered ). Who knows what other legal matters are going to crop up in the future too; there's a reason why Singapore is called a Little Red Dot, and that's because the dot is covered all over with red tape.

You know, adult stuff. And not the enjoyable kind.
Since I don't know the specifics within Singapore I suppose I can't really comment. But two things:

1) With regard to the home situation, you're not necessarily finding a place to live for life. My wife and I found the cheapest apartment we could live in (apartments, really - we've already moved three times since getting married), and we bought all of our stuff second-hand (realistically it was probably tenth-hand, if not more used than that). Saved a ton of money in the process.

The point is, it's OK to take it slowly and start out with poor stuff. Aside from being normal, it's a nice shared experience, and it will make you appreciate the nicer things that you gain as you advance through life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
To be concise, the autism spectrum runs in my blood. I realise that any genetic links to the condition are inconclusive at best, but if I look just at my personal family history alone, I'm inclined to think there's some truth to the matter at the very least. She is well aware of the matter, and she has indicated she'll stay with me regardless of that. Still, I'm not comfortable with the possibility that there's a chance she'll have to suffer what my mother has.

Frankly, if not for this, the fact that my country is a shitty place to raise a kid these days, and my personal (and probably childish) indisposition towards having to deal with potential brattiness (and if a child of my girl breeds true, he/she will be a brat alright lol ), I honestly would not mind. As it is though, I can't help feeling the cards are stacked against me. :/
While we don't know enough about autism to say anything specific about it, one thing that you're probably aware of (or should be aware of) is the incidence of birth defect-type conditions rises with a woman's age. I don't recall any specific data indicating that autism also follows with that trend, but I wouldn't be surprised. Based on the data, the rate of birth defects experiences only a very slow, almost negligible rise up until around the age of 32. After that, the rates begin to increase.

That isn't to say that you need to pop those children out this instant, of course. Do it when you're ready. But you don't have forever to wait.

Brattiness in a child... to a degree it's inherent, but to a degree it's also learned. If that sort of thing worries you, talk with your girlfriend about it. Discuss parenting strategies that you could both take. Ultimately you're raising the child together as a team, after all: don't feel like you're in this alone.

As to Singapore being a bad place to raise a child, can you tell me a good place to raise a child in these times? And yes, limit yourself to planet Earth, let's not get too creative

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
Yeah, she doesn't care that she earns more than I do; I think part of it is because she comes from such a background herself. I don't believe that's really going to change in the future either, since she is a more capable person than I am in general.
This is important. She may be more capable than you are in certain areas, but you are more capable than she is in certain areas. Within the relationship, you and she both complement each other's strengths and fill in for each other's weaknesses. If one of you two does not have a clear strength over the other for a particular situation, you work together.

It's good to admire your other half, but don't do it to the point of feeling like you contribute nothing. It's very easy to downplay your own contributions. Perhaps you've been doing that for a while now; it may explain you want to prove your own worth/contributions through salary.

Remember, your girlfriend is with you because she sees something in you. You are not just some sperm donor to her. Your worth in the relationship is not based on how much money you bring into it, but rather in the fact that the relationship exists only because of who you are (and who she is). It's been two years, you said; by now you surely know that a good relationship might feel fairly effortless, but there's actually a lot of work and effort that goes into it. Take some credit!
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Old 2012-07-03, 07:16   Link #10479
rio
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I have an emotional feeling .

I want to know other's opinions..

I had a bad experience thesedays. I had a close male friend and he had talked to me and visited my apartment and I also had visited him. He had said he wants to tell me things. I was a shy girl and hadn't been open to others,so he had always cared about the fact.

He was really sarcastic and sadistic to me. He had talked to me in a bad manner just like he had tried to make me angry. I haven't had interested in him, since he was not my type.
He also said so to me.

He had always said he wants to be with a girl who is better than any girls he had dated.
He is a person who is making efforts to be a better person.

As I have been getting touch with him, I came to think he is just like me.
I am a such person, not be open just like him.

And I came to feel I have a special feeling to him though I didn't want to admit that.

But I stopped to meet him ,since I have been said to meet other man to marry(arranged marriage).Though I haven't marry that man.
That is a story of 1 year ago.

But 1 month ago, I had a decision to go back to my home town to work with my father.
I said to him so, since I thought he was my friend and sometimes I had a good feeling to him.
He said he had a will to meet me again to give me a farewell party.
He said he wanted to invite my friend since he didn't want to be alone with me.

We had a promise, but he didn't come to the party.
He called me after the party ended. He said he was busy for working.
But that must be a lie.


I was shocked. I haven't been getting over it.
I am always thinking about him. I don't know why he hadn't come to the party.

It's difficult. I have tried to understand him, but still I don't have the answer.
I am tortured.

Then , please tell me why the man had done such a thing to me?
I want to know that.
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Last edited by rio; 2012-07-05 at 07:32.
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Old 2012-07-03, 08:21   Link #10480
Paranoid Android
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rio View Post
Spoiler for Length:

Eh. I think I have had the same attitude as that friend of yours in the past. I don't feel comfortable saying what I think it is but it's really negative.

In a far-fetched way of describing, he felt 'tortured' long before and this is more of an expression of 'leave me be'. Don't sympathize with that kind of feeling though. It's a half-masochistic long-winded thought process that really has nothing to do with you but more of how he thinks.

If he hadn't called after, I wouldn't be so sure of your situation. But he obviously does not care about you in a friendly or romantic way. He might have already planned to not show up so he asked you to bring another friend so you don't show up alone. That would be just innate kindness that most people have. It's not something that is shown exclusively towards you.

=----------=
For what you can do from hereon; you can naturally forget about it and take it as a conclusion to any relationship. In the past when I acted as such, the girl involved in the drama spoke to me directly and called me all sorts of names. I didn't say anything back because there was nothing to be said. I don't think saying anything to your friend or not would make any difference.

In an already initiated relationship, I have screwed up where I completely forget to show up and called afterwards to apologize (BAAAD ;__; ). What I did was immediately schedule an all-day admission for the two of us at an amusement park as well as dinner at a 4 star restaurant, all on me. While the apology doesn't have to be wrapped in monetary expenses; a person that is genuinely sorry and concerned would go far far out of their way to prove to you they aren't purposely avoiding you. The person in your case did not.

You could make your love relationship/friendship work out if you really insist it by giving 150% while he gives 10%. It's not worth it at all for something so one-sided but that's for you to decide. I expected others to understand me without me understanding others when I acted like your friend did.
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