Dating

[Narona]

Originally Posted by whitepearl

Just as bad is when people get to the point the first time but keep talking and repeating themselves. My mom does this all the time

Well, parents care for their children and education, so it happens that they are repeating themselves xD

But i personally don't see this as a bad thing ^^ (in my case, of course)

Originally Posted by King Lycan

I just told her that
"That she was always on my mind" at like 2am in the morning i was feeling sappy

She replied
"Thats sweet but idk i don't want you to the get the wrong idea.. I just want to be friends"

IRL, or by IM?

Well, you seem to not have chosen the best time to confess xD... But, it doesn't mean that the result would have been different.

Oh ;__; Well, I can't talk for every girls, because each person is different, but imo (keep in mind it's just an opinion from a person who don't know you and this girl at all) she does seem to see you as a friend, and nothing more... For now, at least.

What do you plan to do from now? (if you already thought about it, of course)

[Jinto]

Not being honest in relationships (whatever sort of relationship that is) is troublesome sooner or later. Always giving and never taking in a relationship destroys the giving person on the long run. Such relationships are not worth it (except one likes the masochism that comes with it). Not sex destroys a friendship but one-sided love. Usually love comes before sex. However, this is all relative. I know there are people for whom sex and love can be mutually exclusive things (but they might have other problems then).

A final thought on that matter:

If you love what you cannot get and cannot love what you can get, you have lost no matter how hard you try.

[King Lycan]

Originally Posted by Narona

IRL, or by IM?

Well, you seem to not have chosen the best time to confess xD... But, it doesn't mean that the result would have been different.

Oh ;__; Well, I can't talk for every girls, because each person is different, but imo (keep in mind it's just an opinion from a person who don't know you and this girl at all) she does seem to see you as a friend, and nothing more... For now, at least.

What do you plan to do from now? (if you already thought about it, of course)

It was over a text

I plan to move on

[Jazzrat]

never ask a girl over text, that's a very insincere way to do it.
take her out, go somewhere romantic, get that good feeling chemistry going before you pop the question.

Spoiler for what i did:

Recently took a girl out, she's someone i had interest in since a long time ago but always been
in the friendship zone.

We went out for some french wine n dine. Chit chatted over wine and we got comfy
on the couch. With the right chemistry going, i manage to steal a few kisses off her.

The confession came later but it really didnt matter at that point. It's important to create
the right atmosphere for the girl (dont need to be expensive, just romantic but subtle). You don't just pop a msg telling her how much u thought of her. That's just abrupt and will make the girl drift further away from you.

and i m far from being a casanova.

[King Lycan]

Originally Posted by Jazzrat

never ask a girl over text, that's a very insincere way to do it.
take her out, go somewhere romantic, get that good feeling chemistry going before you pop the question.

Spoiler for what i did:

Recently took a girl out, she's someone i had interest in since a long time ago but always been
in the friendship zone.

We went out for some french wine n dine. Chit chatted over wine and we got comfy
on the couch. With the right chemistry going, i manage to steal a few kisses off her.

The confession came later but it really didnt matter at that point. It's important to create
the right atmosphere for the girl (dont need to be expensive, just romantic but subtle). You don't just pop a msg telling her how much u thought of her. That's just abrupt and will make the girl drift further away from you.

and i m far from being a casanova.

No bullshit I really didn't know what i was thinking ..knew it was a dumb idea

[stubby42]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

There are a lot of variables to that, but let's start with one bit of reasoning: what if you meet "your one and only"? How much does true love and having a lifelong companion matter to you compared to where you live?

To me, I don't care where I am. I may prefer some climates over others, but I've never cared or had an idea of where I wanted to be - only what I wanted to do. Therefore, a relationship (a really solid one) trumps location. However, you do have to consider whether you might be miserable at a certain place. After all, if you're miserable and you're there because of your other half, then you'll likely become resentful.

But it doesn't have to be so black and white. If you've truly found that perfect relationship, there's a good chance that your mate will heavily consider moving with you, especially if it means a lot to you.

In your case specifically, the big question is whether you can really evaluate whether someone is truly right for you within the relatively short period of time that you'll be stuck in the UK. It's possible (especially if you've truly found "the one") but in most cases, that's probably not enough time.

If I were you, unless I found a girl that I liked who also was trying to get to Canada, I'd hold off on any serious relationships. Distance is a rotten thing to deal with when you're crazy about someone. Save yourself the trouble. Even if you linked with someone and decided that you'd return to the UK eventually, you're returning to Canada to finish your studies, right? And you'll be there for three years? So that's a forced separation right there, during which you'll be tormented and your relationship (which will only be a year old, if that) will be stressed, perhaps to the point of falling apart.

But then again, that's all planning from a logical stand point. As the saying goes, "Man tries to plan, and God just laughs." Life is unpredictable and you can never know what's coming your way. Try to look ahead, but ultimately do what you think is right..

food for thought, I dont know its just been a very long time since I've been in a relationship, the first time I went to Canada on an exchange program (with university) I wasnt really planning on staying and I decided I wasnt going to bother with relationships because I just wanted to have fun. As soon as I came back to the UK I wanted to be out there again a few times something came up (but I'm bad at reading body language and emotions) but it didnt matter because I'd managed to get an internship organised with a film company in the same city I was when I started.

That was great and I got to hang out with my friends but I was working un godly hours and it was my final year of university so I was juggling work and uni work, I got back to the UK and I got so far behind that I'm still trying to catch up.

For two years a relationship hasnt been an option even if I'd of been able to get into one.

The next time I go back to Canada, I'll either be doing a year long web design course or taking a job, I have to save up two years of full time work then I get fast tracked to immigration.

I wouldnt say I'm miserable here because I'm not my lifes pretty good (even if I cant find work right at the moment damn recession) but my life in Canada is alot better, I'm always doing something which usually involves going out making films, doing photography, longboarding or snowboarding with friends.

Eventually I'll be starting companies with my friends and I cant do that here. I'm happier in Canada.

Maybe I'll meet someone who wants to come out with me but honestly immigration is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, you experience highs but theres always lows and when theres a low its a really big low.

I dont want someone to come out with me because their doing it for me I want them to do it because they want to, I've read too many stories on expat messageboards where one member of the family really wants to immigrate but the other side didnt really want to and its broken their families.

I think part of my problem is I've gotten used to living my life by a plan and I feel like I have a deadline hanging over me but maybe something will happen and I should just go with it.

[gunshottrigun]

Phew I haven't gone on a date in 2 years probably haha. I'm not exactly sure why.

[Shinoto]

Originally Posted by King Lycan

I just told her that
"That she was always on my mind" at like 2am in the morning i was feeling sappy

She replied
"Thats sweet but idk i don't want you to the get the wrong idea.. I just want to be friends"

I'll say this, If it sounds like a confession from a crappy shoujo series. It's best not to say it.

Saying something like "Your always on my mind", falls into the more obsessive/desperate category which is an absolute turn off. Girl I worked with before did a confession similar to that with me. I just walked away.

In general its best to avoid confession

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by stubby42

I wouldnt say I'm miserable here because I'm not my lifes pretty good (even if I cant find work right at the moment damn recession) but my life in Canada is alot better, I'm always doing something which usually involves going out making films, doing photography, longboarding or snowboarding with friends.
...
Maybe I'll meet someone who wants to come out with me but honestly immigration is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, you experience highs but theres always lows and when theres a low its a really big low.

I dont want someone to come out with me because their doing it for me I want them to do it because they want to, I've read too many stories on expat messageboards where one member of the family really wants to immigrate but the other side didnt really want to and its broken their families.

I think part of my problem is I've gotten used to living my life by a plan and I feel like I have a deadline hanging over me but maybe something will happen and I should just go with it.

Heh, there's nothing wrong with living life like a plan. And if things have been going according to plan, you're lucky! Much of my earlier life was basically working out like a plan, but the past three or so years were very much a matter of bobbing and weaving with various events and bits of information. Hence my philosophy and recommendation of having a general framework in mind, but overall keeping your eyes open and being quick about grabbing opportunities that come your way.

The decision about the UK vs. Canada is up to you, and whether a woman would make you reconsider that is also up to you (and to the woman, and to both of your chemistry combinations). It's an interesting thought, but right now it may be premature to worry about it. However, if you do find someone and begin dating, you would probably want to be up-front about your plans. It may decrease your chances of getting farther into the relationship, but it'd also decrease the likelihood of a painful separation on your part and the part of the lady. Either way, I wouldn't completely hold off on a relationship because of it. Just perhaps, approach them more cautiously.

Originally Posted by Shinoto

I'll say this, If it sounds like a confession from a crappy shoujo series. It's best not to say it.

Saying something like "Your always on my mind", falls into the more obsessive/desperate category which is an absolute turn off. Girl I worked with before did a confession similar to that with me. I just walked away.

In general its best to avoid confession

Not always true! Hey, if you're the type of person who would love it if a person did a confession like that to you, then keep right on doing it. People who hate confessions like that (such as Shinoto) would turn you down for it, but would you really be highly compatible with a person like that? On the other hand, if you make a confession like that to someone and she really loves it, then there's a chance that you'll both be very compatible.

Whether you and the lady both like the same types of confessions isn't really a make-or-break thing about relationships, but it may serve as an indicator of sorts. However, I do agree with Jazzrat - in many ways presentation matters more than what you say. Digital text has to be one of the coldest ways of going about it, and probably won't lead to much success. In person, with good presentation, matters. Depending on how the other person feels about you and how much they care about atmosphere, the time and place may not matter too much.

[whitepearl]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

Digital text has to be one of the coldest ways of going about it, and probably won't lead to much success. In person, with good presentation, matters. Depending on how the other person feels about you and how much they care about atmosphere, the time and place may not matter too much.

Plus in person, the significant other you confess to doesn't have the option of putting up an away message, closing the IM window, or deleting the e-mail

[Shinoto]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

Not always true! Hey, if you're the type of person who would love it if a person did a confession like that to you, then keep right on doing it. People who hate confessions like that (such as Shinoto) would turn you down for it, but would you really be highly compatible with a person like that? On the other hand, if you make a confession like that to someone and she really loves it, then there's a chance that you'll both be very compatible.

Whether you and the lady both like the same types of confessions isn't really a make-or-break thing about relationships, but it may serve as an indicator of sorts. However, I do agree with Jazzrat - in many ways presentation matters more than what you say. Digital text has to be one of the coldest ways of going about it, and probably won't lead to much success. In person, with good presentation, matters. Depending on how the other person feels about you and how much they care about atmosphere, the time and place may not matter too much.

I'm not referring to the...Well she's already on top of me and about to do the dirty dirty. Which then "Confessing" is probably just going get the situation more steamy or just be silly little nothings. Basically...after they are already diggin you. Which I barely even consider a confession and more of "Veni Vidi Vici" moment. The roots are already there.

I'm referring to the first one, The desperate sounding one. The "I had a crush on you for oh so long, so please date me". Normally back in 3rd or 4th grade type thing, when the girls would go over to you. Confess there deep hidden emotions to you. Where the only proper response was screaming like how Mel Gibson did in Braveheart. It's like that. Except not nearly as awesome of a scream as Mel Gibson could do.

As you said, You're absolutely right with presentation. But I just put a bit more focus on when you do it since it completely changes based on the when.

[stubby42]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

Heh, there's nothing wrong with living life like a plan. And if things have been going according to plan, you're lucky! Much of my earlier life was basically working out like a plan, but the past three or so years were very much a matter of bobbing and weaving with various events and bits of information. Hence my philosophy and recommendation of having a general framework in mind, but overall keeping your eyes open and being quick about grabbing opportunities that come your way.

The decision about the UK vs. Canada is up to you, and whether a woman would make you reconsider that is also up to you (and to the woman, and to both of your chemistry combinations). It's an interesting thought, but right now it may be premature to worry about it. However, if you do find someone and begin dating, you would probably want to be up-front about your plans. It may decrease your chances of getting farther into the relationship, but it'd also decrease the likelihood of a painful separation on your part and the part of the lady. Either way, I wouldn't completely hold off on a relationship because of it. Just perhaps, approach them more cautiously.

I know its pretty pointless thinking about it now, truth be told I've been feeling a little lonely lately, its been a long time since I was ina relationship and that was only short, I guess the idea that I'd be leaving the country with very little intention of coming back other than for a visit at christmas kind of amplified the way I was feeling after all who would want to get into a relationship that only has a year long deadline on it.

But hey I might atcually find a girl who will atleast want to try living out in canada and she can get a working holiday visa if shes british who knows things might work out.

This is all purely hypothetical since theres nothing in sight at the moment.

[Mortis]

Ok, so here I am with my story.

Last year, like every year during the holidays I was working at a bakery - a normal holiday job for 2 months, to earn some cash for the rest of the holidays
There I met a girl which I quickly became fascinated with. At first we didnt have much opportunities to talk but while the job was coming to an end, we finally got the chance to get to know each other. I can clearly say that by the end we were getting along really well. I finished working there a few days before her, and went for a week long rest to the mountains with some friends, which we had planned for 2 months or so. We kinda made a promise we would see each other after I came back, but here's where the problems started.

At first when i wanted to meet (it was september and she started attending to school) she said she was really busy and told me 'another time'. A understood that since I also had little time for anything else than studying.
As it turned out later on that was the last message I ever recived from her. Everything went *poof* like a bubble. And I have no idea why. I message her a couple of times, called her, never got an answer to anything. Finally I let go seeing that nothing's gonna help.

Now, here I am, another holiday time, working again at the same place.
This week I found out that she'll be working there form the beggining of august and realized that I actually still care about her (how stupid of me...)
My problem is that if we meet (3 diffrent shifts possible, but there is a very high chance that we will), I have absouletly no idea how to behave.
Should I come up and ask directly what the hell happened last year, simply ignore her, or wait and see if she's gonna try and do anything?

Any advice?

[Ledgem]

Just act like you're friendly acquaintences.

Based off of your descriptions, you have no reason (wishful thinking aside) to expect that something would have happened. You were getting along well, maybe there was a mutual interest, but it's possible that while she was on your mind a lot of the time, you weren't on hers. So spending a week away from her (and out of contact, I presume) is a week out of her mind, and who knows what else was going on in her life at that time. For that matter, who knows what's happened in her life for this entire time?

So, the "ask directly what the hell happened" is a great way to completely turn her off and make things awkward between the two of you even as co-workers. Ignoring her has the potential to do the same. You don't know whether she's still single or whether she has her eyes on someone else at this point, so don't assume that your relationship to her now will be the same or even nearly the same as it was one year ago.

Strategically speaking, be friendly, get more information, and charm her (unless she's no longer single).

[Jazzrat]

Does she lives far away from you? It's possible that she wasnt interested in a long distance relationship. Getting along very well could have been just as normal friends. She might have been pulling away from you because you were expecting something else?

But important thing is, learnt to be patient and dont get caught up by what you want. Just think of her as a friend. When you see her again, give her your friendly smile and be a "normal" friend to her. See what's her response from there on. If she acts cold towards you, just maintain the friendship outlook. If she gets friendly with you again, then u can flirt lightly with her. It's kinda like a game of cat and mice. If you gotta tease her a bit.

Most people dont appreciate things given freely so don't give yourself away for free cause she ll just throw you away haha.

[otakujohn]

I haven't had a relationship of any kind since 1998. I refuse to go through that crap again.



Congrats to those that have a better time with it though.

[Lio]

Originally Posted by Mortis

Should I come up and ask directly what the hell happened last year, simply ignore her, or wait and see if she's gonna try and do anything?

Any advice?

Give her space and just be your usual friendly self. And live your own life.
Chances are after an entire school year, she doesn't remember you anymore. I doubt she remembers you as much as you remember her. But that's okay. The thing is, girls don't want to be your number one. They want your life to be your number one. Just be your usual friendly self going on with your own life, and hey, didn't that girl work at the same bakery last summer?

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by otakujohn

I haven't had a relationship of any kind since 1998. I refuse to go through that crap again.

Sounds like you had a bad experience - sorry to hear that. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to put yourself into that type of vulnerable position again, and if you're perfectly happy as you are, then you really have no reason to bother. Otherwise, finding the right person (while difficult and a bit of a gamble each time) is really wonderful. I occasionally feel nostalgic for the days when I was single; when I could do things fully by my own schedule, and when being in my apartment meant that it was largely just me, my thoughts, my music, and occasional internet contacts. Things are certainly noisier with a significant other However, having someone that you can share everything with, someone that you can really count on - it's wonderful.

I'm really incredibly lucky... to have found someone who is so compatible with me, and more importantly, who shares the same goals and desires that I do. It's easy to take things like these for granted, but I try to remind myself often that it's really something not to be taken lightly. It'd be nice if everyone could find people that they match so well with.

Originally Posted by Lio

The thing is, girls don't want to be your number one. They want your life to be your number one. Just be your usual friendly self going on with your own life, and hey, didn't that girl work at the same bakery last summer?

Depends on the girl. I think that most girls (stereotypical "party girls" at least) don't want to be the #1 thing in a guy's life. They might feel that the guy is being clingy or what have you. However, there are girls who want to be #1. They might not say it, but it hurts them and makes them feel not quite as special to not be #1. I like to think that they're the sensitive girls who want to give their all to a relationship, and somewhat expect that sentiment returned from their guy. Arguably these types of girls are more rare - or perhaps just not as vocal about their wants.

But ultimately we can't really make generalizations about groups of people. Read the individual and go by him/her, not the sort of stuff you'd read in a men's health magazine

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

Just act like you're friendly acquaintences.

Based off of your descriptions, you have no reason (wishful thinking aside) to expect that something would have happened. You were getting along well, maybe there was a mutual interest, but it's possible that while she was on your mind a lot of the time, you weren't on hers. So spending a week away from her (and out of contact, I presume) is a week out of her mind, and who knows what else was going on in her life at that time. For that matter, who knows what's happened in her life for this entire time?

So, the "ask directly what the hell happened" is a great way to completely turn her off and make things awkward between the two of you even as co-workers. Ignoring her has the potential to do the same. You don't know whether she's still single or whether she has her eyes on someone else at this point, so don't assume that your relationship to her now will be the same or even nearly the same as it was one year ago.

Strategically speaking, be friendly, get more information, and charm her (unless she's no longer single).

Turning into a right old 'agony uncle' aren't you? xD
This good advice though (on this reply and the one above)

For the bakery girl case:
People change everyday.
Life changes everyday, no two days are the same unless you're stuck in a loop, so how a person evolves in a year can be quite significant and work to your favour or against you.
For now, enjoy the summer and keep the working relationship pleasant

[Skullchukka]

Reading people's dating issues is hard stuff. Too many issues.. xD

So, we have some advice giving people in this thread, some of them appeal to my personal point of view too, but in my case, I can not look my problem from another point of view, so I'm asking help - well, direction.

*cough* Explanation first:
We met at a forum 3-4 years ago, we are seeing each other in real life for 3-4 years also. We're as close as people can get, literally. But we're not a "dating couple." I've always liked her, and she confessed she always felt some chemistry between us, but we just couldn't be together - we were just too precious for each other to ruin it.

Now I'm leaving for another country to study. We had a very very depressive month; due to my leaving. We won't be seeing each other for a year (repeating for each year for the next 3-4 years), and I'll only be able to come back here for about 1 month - at my summer holidays.

I've left to another town for about a week and a half before leaving my country, now I'm staying here, and I'll be departing from my present town - not the town where she lives. So we've already lived our 'last moments', a very very sad farewell.

Now I have the chance to invite her to my present town, where she always wanted to visit, for about 2~ days before my departure to another country. I've invited her, and asked her to think about it. She will be giving her answer within some days.

Does this make me a bad person? Since she already had to go through the trouble to give me a farewell (which was really really heart crushing to both of us as you can imagine), now just when she thinks she won't be seeing me for a year, I invite her to stay for 2 more days before I leave; thus making her experience another farewell...
I really was charising 2 more days spent with her, but the other side of this story (making her feel another farewell) seems like a horrible thing to do. I'd love to see her once more for 2 more days, and I KNOW she would love to see me too.. one more time.

Are the 2 last days spent together worth another farewell?