AnimeSuki Forums

Register Forum Rules FAQ Members List Social Groups Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   AnimeSuki Forum > General > General Chat

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 2009-10-12, 01:29   Link #1841
FateAnomaly
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quzor View Post
Entering a relationship under the notion that it will eventually end is a recipe for failure. You never give yourself an opportunity to open up to the other person, because you know that it will be a fruitless endeavor.

As weird as this sounds, and as hard as it may be, make an attempt to go into your forthcoming relationships with no expectations about them whatsoever. Maybe they'll end, and maybe they won't, but you have no way of knowing that from the very beginning. If you eliminate the idea that your relationship will fail from your mind, you may be more inclined to open up to your partner, and thereby be surprised at what you receive in turn.
I fully understand what you are trying to say. I have already told myself about it many times. But at the end of the day, the practical side always won despite the emotional side being lonely or the physiological side being needy.
FateAnomaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 03:50   Link #1842
Quzor
It's the year 3030...
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Spaceport Colony Sicilia
Age: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
I've never read the book, so to be perfectly honest I can't refute any statements directly in good faith because I don't know the whole story. However, I've heard The Selfish Gene referenced a few times before, and it always makes me feel that the book takes a very simplistic view of genetics and then tries to put a spin on it to explain some aspect of life/society. Whether it's the book itself or just what people are coming away with I can't say for certain. I'd love to refute the ideas from the book that you mentioned here but in light of the fact that it isn't in the full context I guess I can't, really. Either way, whenever you read another passage from that book, know that I'm probably in disagreement
To be perfectly honest, the language of the book is, quite often, well beyond me. I can understand what he's talking about on a basic level, but I don't have the background in the necessary fields to really get a complete understanding of everything he says. All that being said, I'd hazard a guess that a lot of what is said about the book, and about Dawkins' work in general, is people's insights after the fact (much like mine is in this case). Simple or complex, complete or incomplete, his stance on genetics and genetic behavior is quite interesting, if nothing else.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FateAnomaly View Post
I fully understand what you are trying to say. I have already told myself about it many times. But at the end of the day, the practical side always won despite the emotional side being lonely or the physiological side being needy.
The brain; sometimes, it's just in the way. =P
__________________
http://www.tg-media.net/the_chaos/QuzorSig488.jpg
Quzor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 03:59   Link #1843
Let'sFightingLove
So right I'm left
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
o, o, ooooooooooooo oooo. dodododo i just can't help falling in love with you
Let'sFightingLove is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 09:27   Link #1844
whitepearl
Dietrich fan #681675
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Send a message via AIM to whitepearl Send a message via MSN to whitepearl
Quote:
Originally Posted by FragrantFlora View Post
Haha how cute. Dietrich is a Yankee fan

Well I don't think people would be that obsessed in spreading their seed and reproducing lots of children. There are even some people who don't even want children. [emphasis added]
That's true, as well.

Some of those who have a girlfriend and maybe one or two girls on the side might actually think that having more than one partner is okay and would try to justify it:

The girl shouldn't be mad I'm dating other girls I'm just trying to ensure my bloodline can outlast those of other males!

The girl would probably slap the male in the face 0.9001 seconds before throwing all his stuff out the door...

There was a discussion on this topic on another board I post on where we were asked if humans were naturally inclined towards monogamy or polygamy. Most felt humans were polygamous by default.

P.S.
Dietrich knows who to root for. If I had any art skills, I'd draw her and other assorted Claymores in Yankee jerseys, but that's another topic for another day.
__________________
Go Yankees.

Twitter
whitepearl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 10:16   Link #1845
stubby42
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK/Canada
Quote:
Are you a perfectionist, as well? Here's my advice: stop caring so much. Don't go into total abandonment of the things that matter you, but stop caring about whether things go perfectly and whether they go as you plan (because they most often will not). You can still care and still plan, but stop worrying so much about either. Dilute your standards slightly if you have to. It's a necessary sacrifice to end what is essentially paralysis of your life.
Ledgem you are a bastian of good advice and I really want to say that I appricate the fact that you go back through the topic to look at other peoples questions that might of got looked over (p.s thanks for everyone who replied) so thanks for that.

I've never really thought of myself as a perfectionist but I guess thats a pretty fair statment, I've always had a plan, you know strong dreams and ambitions that I've wanted to achieve which I've had to have even more so with the moving to canada thing.

but now all those plans are falling apart and now I'm just confused and Im finding it hard to just relax because my instinct is to come up with a new plan and work to that (it doesnt help that my parents are pushing me to make decisions about my life).

-----------------------------
Important bit
-----------------------------

This weekend I met the girl of my dreams, she loves history (shes doing a degree in arechology), star trek, pixar films (we disagree on which ones are the best but nobodies perfect), she doesnt like night clubs (I hate them, they make me ill) she even poured my pint for me because I did such a terrible job of it on my own (it was 90% head).


-----------------------------
background bit
-----------------------------

Little bit of background first, after work on saturday I decided to get a train to Durham (I live near chester, its about 4 hours away) to visit my best friend. It just so happened it was this girls birthday so they were going on a pub crawl that I ended up tagging along with (I've met alot of these people before, apparantly I first met the girl three years ago the first time I visited my friend) then thanks to our joint love of pixar films we got a group together and went to see UP!

-----------------------------
I screwed up
-----------------------------


We spent alot of the weekend talking and we really got along well... but I screwed up.

I'm pretty lousy at reading emotions and I'm fairly bad at showing mine to other people because I'm pretty sure she liked me too but I didnt really pick up on it at the time and I didnt make enough of an effort.

Other than the fact that she spent most of the weekend talking to me she hid my hoody but I didnt know how to react to that.

Other ways I screwed up.

Didnt sit with her in the cinema - not completely my fault it was assigned seating, two friends who were supposed to show didnt so she was getting her tickets refunded and we'd all gone in already but I could of made more of an effort.

I asked her if there was one thing you could do in your life what would it be, she said get back down to a size 10 - instead of complimenting her (because she looks amazing) I shrugged it off and move the conversation to something else.

Didnt buy her a birthday drink - again not completely my fault the first pub we were in was closing, we went to another place in town but somebody else beat me to buying a drink and we left before we could do another round and the final place was closing and making deliberatly bad drinks.

Again I could of made more of an effort.

-----------------------------
Should I call her?
-----------------------------


but I really like her, I dont want to sit around and do nothing like I always do so should I get my friend to give me her phone number, call her and just admit I'm bad at this stuff but I like her.

Is that romantic or needy?

Heres the other problem she lives 4 hours away and it costs 60 on the train just to get there (to be fair that was a last minute fair I might get cheaper if I book in advance), I cant afford to make that trip every weekend at the moment (and my work load wont let me until after christmas).

Even if I was going every week I could only be a weekend boyfriend and when she finishes university, well she'll be moving back to scotland (which is even further away).

Should I just call her and see what happens?


-----------------------------
phew
-----------------------------

That was a really long post, sorry.
stubby42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 10:57   Link #1846
Ascaloth
I don't give a damn, dude
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In Despair
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
-----------------------------
I screwed up
-----------------------------


We spent alot of the weekend talking and we really got along well... but I screwed up.

I'm pretty lousy at reading emotions and I'm fairly bad at showing mine to other people because I'm pretty sure she liked me too but I didnt really pick up on it at the time and I didnt make enough of an effort.

Other than the fact that she spent most of the weekend talking to me she hid my hoody but I didnt know how to react to that.

Other ways I screwed up.

Didnt sit with her in the cinema - not completely my fault it was assigned seating, two friends who were supposed to show didnt so she was getting her tickets refunded and we'd all gone in already but I could of made more of an effort.

I asked her if there was one thing you could do in your life what would it be, she said get back down to a size 10 - instead of complimenting her (because she looks amazing) I shrugged it off and move the conversation to something else.

Didnt buy her a birthday drink - again not completely my fault the first pub we were in was closing, we went to another place in town but somebody else beat me to buying a drink and we left before we could do another round and the final place was closing and making deliberatly bad drinks.

Again I could of made more of an effort.
....it honestly doesn't sound anywhere near as bad as you're making it out to be from my POV.

So yeah, you screwed up several times on the small stuff. Well, you know what they say about the small stuff; don't sweat it. Just make a mental note of these events for next time, and just starting paying attention so you'll know when an opportunity to do something to get close to her surfaces again. But really, above all, don't be too chickenshit to make an effort when the time comes. Like in my case, where would I be now if I had never stole that kiss and dropped the "no regrets" line? (although Narona wasn't that impressed by it lol )

Quote:
but I really like her, I dont want to sit around and do nothing like I always do so should I get my friend to give me her phone number, call her and just admit I'm bad at this stuff but I like her.

Is that romantic or needy?
Girl: "Gee, the boy is too pussy to ask me directly for my number. He ain't a keeper."



I think you know what to do from here. Barring some pragmatic reason that you can't, the best way to get a girl's number is to approach her directly for it. Also, I think Ledgem mentioned it earlier somewhere in this thread, but I think he said that girls don't care much for phone or online confessions. You should do it face-to-face.

Quote:
Heres the other problem she lives 4 hours away and it costs 60 on the train just to get there (to be fair that was a last minute fair I might get cheaper if I book in advance), I cant afford to make that trip every weekend at the moment (and my work load wont let me until after christmas).

Even if I was going every week I could only be a weekend boyfriend and when she finishes university, well she'll be moving back to scotland (which is even further away).

Should I just call her and see what happens?
I'm going to guess this is the pragmatic reason you can't ask for her number directly? If that's the case, maybe asking your friend for her number would be an acceptable alternative....but I'll still find whatever way I can to contact her by my own means, in any case.

As for your question, I think what Ledgem said to me the other time also applies here too; it's not a bad trait to think deeply about things, but there's no harm living life for the moment at our age. Go ahead and confess to her; you two can work out the details later if it's a green light.
Ascaloth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 14:52   Link #1847
Splitpersonality
Amateur Psychomocologist
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
I'm leaving shortly to put the final nail in the coffin that once was our relationship, I've for the most part decided what is going to happen, and I will talk about it when I return.

I hope I have the balls to go through with it :P
__________________
Splitpersonality is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 15:25   Link #1848
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
I'm leaving shortly to put the final nail in the coffin that once was our relationship, I've for the most part decided what is going to happen, and I will talk about it when I return.

I hope I have the balls to go through with it :P
Sorry to hear that, hope everything goes well and neither of you are too hurt by the situation.
K_Babyy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 15:30   Link #1849
Ricky Controversy
Frandle & Nightbag
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
I'm leaving shortly to put the final nail in the coffin that once was our relationship, I've for the most part decided what is going to happen, and I will talk about it when I return.

I hope I have the balls to go through with it :P
That's a pretty grim way of thinking about it. It may well be that the internet's natural sarcasm filter is throwing me off, but in the event that you're seriously thinking in those terms, a crucial piece of advice I can give is to stop that. One of the core problems in human relationships in general is that people tend to attach some heightened value to the beginning and ending parts, as if they are birth and death, respectively. It will help you going forward if you think about it less in terms of starting or ending a relationship and more as just another step in your progression through life.
Ricky Controversy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 15:44   Link #1850
Narona
Emotionless White Face
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
Will you be attracted to them forever? Male wisdom that's been passed around dictates that you won't. You can date the absolute hottest girl, but within a few months you'll be used to it and other girls will seem more attractive to you. Anyone who says otherwise is probably lying, because this stems from a general trait of human nature (I suppose).
Good that you added the "probably", because I doubt you can read people mind to see if there is not even one who says the truth

Anyway, attraction is not only related to physical appearance I believe. That's why even when people age, there are some couples who stay deeply in love and attracted till the end.

Quote:
I think that this is partly where the notion that "relationships require work" comes into play. It seems to me that many people expect that love just pops up and that once it appears it makes everything easy. Love does make things easy, but it's sort of like growing a plant - even the hardiest of plants require that you ensure that they get enough sun and give them water here and there. What I mean is, aside from making sure that you're still attractive to your mate and are meeting her needs and desires, you need to keep focused on her, too.
I agree. Things don't stop once you've been accepted by the person you love.

Quote:
Of course, to write it all out makes it sound like a chore of some sort. It isn't at all. Those sorts of things come naturally and easily to me. Do I occasionally take her for granted? I'm sure I do. But ultimately I'm in this relationship to make it last (that's a bit obvious now given that we're engaged). You won't last long if you don't actively respect and care for each other, at the very least. The fact that I receive loads of love and affection back each day definitely makes it very easy for me to keep reminding myself of how lucky I am and all, too.
So cute

Quote:
Originally Posted by whitepearl
The girl would probably Cut his balls and throw them in the trash bin...
Fixed _
Narona is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 17:21   Link #1851
Splitpersonality
Amateur Psychomocologist
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy View Post
That's a pretty grim way of thinking about it. It may well be that the internet's natural sarcasm filter is throwing me off, but in the event that you're seriously thinking in those terms, a crucial piece of advice I can give is to stop that. One of the core problems in human relationships in general is that people tend to attach some heightened value to the beginning and ending parts, as if they are birth and death, respectively. It will help you going forward if you think about it less in terms of starting or ending a relationship and more as just another step in your progression through life.

I should start adding </sarcasm> tags on my stuff.

I have a very grim sense of humor, I did say that with a twinge of honesty though, I'm rather spineless at times, but that's who I am for better or worse.


In the end, we worked out that we're still great friends, and we are it's not just one of us saying that or anything, we have a lot in common and we have fun together.

What she's mostly spooked about is, we're both each other's first relationship and we're both sort of scared that what we feel is not real love or whatever. So we both decided it was fair to mutually part, and date other people so that we can figure out exactly what we feel.

Right now, I feel sort of... ambivalent to the whole thing. It feels like nothing has really changed, except that I'm free to date other people if I so choose, same goes for her.


If/when we both so choose, we will return on mutual ground, and agree to date again.

Until that point, we will be great friends, possibly with "benefits".


All of this, I"m totally fine with, yeah I still feel for her, but now I'm more confused about my feelings than I was, so I think that levels the playing field a bit. We both need a break to figure out what we feel and what we want to do, and we both need to grow up.

She knows entirely how I feel, and I assume she's been truthful with me, so I suppose things are good.




Mission Complete:
+ 40% XP
+ 0 Gold
+ 1 Friend
- 1 Girlfriend
__________________
Splitpersonality is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 17:38   Link #1852
stubby42
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK/Canada
Quote:
I'm going to guess this is the pragmatic reason you can't ask for her number directly? If that's the case, maybe asking your friend for her number would be an acceptable alternative....but I'll still find whatever way I can to contact her by my own means, in any case.
I was a complete and utter idiot about that, to be fair my phone was dead but still I could of got her to write it down.

Right now going up to see her again isnt sounding like a totally bad idea because I'm rapidly running out of options.

I'm pretty sure my friend likes her...

He wouldnt give me her phone number, he said he has a policy of not giving out peoples numbers without permission but it sounds like an excuse.

She doesnt seem interested in him and he said he wasnt interested in her on the night out but I'm pretty sure thats not true.

This wouldnt be a problem but if I am visiting I'd be crashing at his for a while.

Thats got to put some strain on our friendship.
stubby42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 17:40   Link #1853
Splitpersonality
Amateur Psychomocologist
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Considering he hasn't explicitly told you he likes her, I honestly think it's his own fault!


If you move in now and take her before he does, if he's even trying, I can't see how that would be your fault.

I can see how he would blame you, but it's still not your fault for not being a mind-reader.
__________________
Splitpersonality is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 17:51   Link #1854
stubby42
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK/Canada
I know and I will feel guilt about that, but its more just the case that I'll be staying in his room for the forseable visits until the girl and I reach that hypothetical point where I can stay at hers.

Thats if he'll let me stay at all, I mean he wont out right say no but he might make excuses as to why I cant come.
stubby42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 17:51   Link #1855
Shinoto
Rollin' Like A Boss
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
It's true that your chances of forming a strong relationship are much improved when you're stable as an individual. In fact, one could argue that being stable on your own is a prerequisite for being able to form a stable, long-lasting, productive relationship.

I take issue with your rough demeanor. Splitpersonality seems to be a sensitive, thoughtful guy, perhaps to a fault. What he's writing isn't pathetic; I find it understandable. It isn't his fault and he shouldn't be blaming himself right now, but I don't think he should reject those types of thoughts entirely. Those sorts of feelings are what keep you humble enough in a relationship to be able to admit that you might be wrong and that you need to make changes. They're good feelings - you just need to make sure that who you pair up with also has those sorts of feelings, or else you'll be ripe for abuse.
No, That was being exceptionally benevolent with handling it. Regardless, reading it in a year will result in the same feeling as reading old Jr High material from school. You won't believe how utter stupid and wrapped up around a girl you got

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
I always thought that "guy feeling like it's his own fault" for being rejected only happened to people like "us" (those who think too much, may be humble, etc.). Most guys either have or put up a show of having enough confidence that you could power a city with it - if a girl rejects him, then she either can't see how great he was or she was trash anyway (in the guy's opinion). It's a stereotype I've been exposed to, anyway - maybe you're from an area where sensitivity is a bit more readily available.
You know, this is kinda ironic about what you said above.

1. You either have confidence or you don't, There is no show. And being blunt, if your confidence is any less than powering a state, you're not confident enough
2. You can be disappointed or sad if she rejects you. Nothing stopping you, just don't breakdown because of it. The thing most people who lack confidence do is invest too much into a single girl. They make it out to be this big elaborate deal, and end up investing months of time and dreams into her before even taking her out once.
You want the blunt honest truth, There is not a girl out there worth more than 5minutes of your sadness. Because do you know how many dozens of wonderful girls out there you're missing while pouting over one. Why throw all your investments into one. I'm exaggerating on the time portion, but notion is true. Don't treat the girl like the "The One" which many guys who lack self confidence do. They come off creepy, desperate, and sound like a loser. If your feeling something for her, just ask her out. Want a trick? Give her your number and say call me. That means if she calls you, she's interested and if she doesn't then she's not. Simple, easy, done.
3. Help is always available. Want help? Talk to another guy, be friends with girls you don't want to ****(Illogical for me of course, ), or even bounce it off your own friends. The notion of keeping it in and hoping you don't get embarrassed...is just so ****ing High School The minute you get out of that **** hole, it's different. Why waste time worried about being embarrassed...so many cute girls and so little time.

It always comes back to my original point, stop treating **** so damn seriously. You'll have so much more fun and do so much more if you just go with the flow.
__________________
Shinoto is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 18:03   Link #1856
stubby42
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK/Canada
Ok so right now my only realistic option with this girl is to write her a facebook message, but I've never really done this because I've over thought myself into inactivity.

I could go for broke and say anything and risk being over bearing or try a more relaxed aproach.

I dont know what to write I'm not good at this stuff.
stubby42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 18:05   Link #1857
Splitpersonality
Amateur Psychomocologist
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Be relaxed, be cool about it. Don't sound like you're desperate to get her number, just casually ask her.


Or even give her yours and see if she calls.
__________________
Splitpersonality is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 19:34   Link #1858
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
Ledgem you are a bastian of good advice and I really want to say that I appricate the fact that you go back through the topic to look at other peoples questions that might of got looked over (p.s thanks for everyone who replied) so thanks for that.
Glad you found it useful. I appreciate the compliment, as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
-----------------------------
I screwed up
-----------------------------
I don't think of this as "screwing up" so much as missing opportunities. That is, you didn't do anything negative (unless you consider inaction to be a negative). Hindsight is 20/20, as the saying goes - don't beat yourself up over it. Moving forward, just try to be smoother, I suppose.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
Should I just call her and see what happens?
Is there any reason not to? Even if a romantic relationship doesn't work out you might still make a good friend. Female friends are a boon because they frequently lead to other female friends, meaning you have an "in" with a lot of other girls (and you're also meeting a lot of other girls). Positive benefit all around. (I also think girls make great friends over guys, but that's just me.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Narona View Post
Good that you added the "probably", because I doubt you can read people mind to see if there is not even one who says the truth
Actually I can read people's minds. Want proof? Here it is:

Spoiler for Proof for Narona - top secret:


Regardless, I'll always throw in the "probably" or use "almost" in order to avoid making a widespread generalization, just because there'll always be people who don't fit the mold. Still, I'm confident in saying that for most people (at least, most people from westernized societies) that's the case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Narona View Post
Anyway, attraction is not only related to physical appearance I believe. That's why even when people age, there are some couples who stay deeply in love and attracted till the end.
Yes, that's true.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
In the end, we worked out that we're still great friends, and we are it's not just one of us saying that or anything, we have a lot in common and we have fun together.

What she's mostly spooked about is, we're both each other's first relationship and we're both sort of scared that what we feel is not real love or whatever. So we both decided it was fair to mutually part, and date other people so that we can figure out exactly what we feel.

Right now, I feel sort of... ambivalent to the whole thing. It feels like nothing has really changed, except that I'm free to date other people if I so choose, same goes for her.
I had a similar deal with the first girl that I dated. In my case, though, I felt that she was being pretty cold toward me and wasn't really recognizing my affections for her. So when I broke things off by initially asking her if it felt like we were just normal friends (which, of course, she made me answer first) it felt like more of a relief than anything. I didn't have to worry about those feelings of obligation to her (which had become very heavy, as she wasn't returning positive feedback to me), and it just felt like a lot of things cleared up. A few minutes into the conversation she became very, very angry with me (I presume it hit her that she'd just been "dumped") but the next day she called me (again very angry), but I patched things up, declined her offer to retry dating, and it seemed that we'd stay friends. And it seemed like we had great compatibility as friends.

But I didn't hear from her again. I'd send her happy birthday messages and such, but never received anything back. I ran into her at random and discovered that she'd managed to "lose" my phone number; I gave it to her again but never heard from her. I'd never had high expectations, anyway, but in hindsight I'm a bit miffed that I still tried, but she ultimately wasn't a good friend (and she was a near-abusive date, as well).

That's my story that relates to yours. Don't be too hung up if you and she slowly (or quickly) drift away from each other. It won't happen for certain, of course - I've known some people who date (for a long time, too), break it off, and then remain as friends. I'd think that it must be kind of weird to be in a situation like that (especially once sex becomes involved) but it's doable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
Ok so right now my only realistic option with this girl is to write her a facebook message, but I've never really done this because I've over thought myself into inactivity.

I could go for broke and say anything and risk being over bearing or try a more relaxed aproach.

I dont know what to write I'm not good at this stuff.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
Be relaxed, be cool about it. Don't sound like you're desperate to get her number, just casually ask her.


Or even give her yours and see if she calls.
Don't give her your number and expect a call. Aside from the fact that some girls feel strongly about social mannerisms which require that the guy take the first steps, you're giving her a potentially easy out. She could always just say that she never got around to it, or something happened to her phone... etc. Take the initiative! Ask for her number.

Here, make it easy on yourself: imagine that all you want to do is be friends. You have a lot in common, so why not? Don't even think about your other motives. That way, when you write to her you won't be overthinking what you're writing ("does this make me seem like I want her too much?" "does this make me look desperate?"), because when you think things like that, your writing will most likely come off as being awkward and might really reveal your true intentions. So when you write, just imagine that you're writing to a potential friend (a guy friend, if it really helps) and you'll be fine. Then just click the send button and be done with it.

Keep it in perspective - this isn't a thesis proposal or a marriage license, you're just asking for her number because you're interested in doing more with her and getting to know her better. There's nothing wrong with that, and even if she sees right through you, it doesn't make you creepy or a villain. Shoot, what girl wouldn't love to know that guys have an interest in her? So worst case scenario she doesn't reply to you, but at least you might have brightened her day and her self-confidence. See, it's win-win - you potentially make a new friend (or even a lover), and at worst, you only end up giving a boost to a girl you like and get nothing else in return.

Let us know how it goes!
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 19:59   Link #1859
Splitpersonality
Amateur Psychomocologist
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Quote:
I had a similar deal with the first girl that I dated. In my case, though, I felt that she was being pretty cold toward me and wasn't really recognizing my affections for her. So when I broke things off by initially asking her if it felt like we were just normal friends (which, of course, she made me answer first) it felt like more of a relief than anything. I didn't have to worry about those feelings of obligation to her (which had become very heavy, as she wasn't returning positive feedback to me), and it just felt like a lot of things cleared up. A few minutes into the conversation she became very, very angry with me (I presume it hit her that she'd just been "dumped") but the next day she called me (again very angry), but I patched things up, declined her offer to retry dating, and it seemed that we'd stay friends. And it seemed like we had great compatibility as friends.

But I didn't hear from her again. I'd send her happy birthday messages and such, but never received anything back. I ran into her at random and discovered that she'd managed to "lose" my phone number; I gave it to her again but never heard from her. I'd never had high expectations, anyway, but in hindsight I'm a bit miffed that I still tried, but she ultimately wasn't a good friend (and she was a near-abusive date, as well).

That's my story that relates to yours. Don't be too hung up if you and she slowly (or quickly) drift away from each other. It won't happen for certain, of course - I've known some people who date (for a long time, too), break it off, and then remain as friends. I'd think that it must be kind of weird to be in a situation like that (especially once sex becomes involved) but it's doable.

That's quite interesting, I sort of feel that right now in a way. I feel like I"m happy I no longer have to worry about being truthful to her, when there are other people I could be possibly dating who are much closer to me. I still love her and really do care about her, but she needs to figure out her feelings, and if we end up as just friends, I really really don't care. We're great friends either way, and as long as I can continue to see her and laugh with her and be friends then I have no problems with it.

I can only hope we don't drift apart, but in the long run I think we might slowly drift, which sucks :/
__________________
Splitpersonality is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-10-12, 20:44   Link #1860
RadiantBeam
Test Drive
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Age: 23
Send a message via AIM to RadiantBeam Send a message via Skype™ to RadiantBeam
Quote:
Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
I can only hope we don't drift apart, but in the long run I think we might slowly drift, which sucks :/
Sadly, that's rather common. I drifted apart from my first boyfriend after we broke up, and we even lived in the same neighborhood and went to the same bus stop. It isn't unusual to be friends with your ex, but sometimes it's a hard thing to do and you just drift away from them. It isn't a bad thing.
__________________
RadiantBeam is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:44.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
We use Silk.