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Old 2007-10-21, 13:32   Link #3281
Satashi
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Spinel Heart
Progress: not sure
length: 10,000 words
Separated in chapters due to excessive length.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3849110/1/

Enjoy chapter one.

edit: cookies if you now the pictures that inspired this story <3

Last edited by Satashi; 2007-10-21 at 21:29.
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Old 2007-10-21, 23:26   Link #3282
USB500
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liingo View Post
WHAT'S THIS!!! A continuation to Cinderella.... BANZAI!!

I slipped it in to the pile you were eating before


Yes, Cinderella officially has sequel, making this the third Nanoverse Stage Performance. Except, of course, the lack of the Aces as I'm concentrating on Erio and the Numbers.

Expect more of Numbers.
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Old 2007-10-21, 23:58   Link #3283
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by satashi View Post
cookies if you now the pictures that inspired this story <3
I know 2 of them. The doujin where Vivio meets Nanoha's parents and the one of Nanoha, Fate and Vivio playing tennis, from Newtype, I believe.
Btw, are you sure they finished off Precia in October? I wanted to check, but I couldn't find any firm clues as to when the last episodes of Lyrical Nanoha took place. My own assumption is that it that it should have ended before the Knights were activated in A's, because they would certainly investigate any battles between Nanoha and Fate to see if it was a threat to Hayate.
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Old 2007-10-22, 05:26   Link #3284
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
I know 2 of them. The doujin where Vivio meets Nanoha's parents and the one of Nanoha, Fate and Vivio playing tennis, from Newtype, I believe.
Btw, are you sure they finished off Precia in October? I wanted to check, but I couldn't find any firm clues as to when the last episodes of Lyrical Nanoha took place. My own assumption is that it that it should have ended before the Knights were activated in A's, because they would certainly investigate any battles between Nanoha and Fate to see if it was a threat to Hayate.
I'm not sure if that's canon or not but I needed it for my story ^^;
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Old 2007-10-22, 05:29   Link #3285
panzerfan
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I have decided to do a semi-parody. This time, with far less explanation...


excerpt to Sol-Vermillion Encounter

… When Momoko looks at the information delivered by Misora Hyperion, she felt a sinking feeling in her stomach, and sighed in defeat. According to what the intelligence data indicated, Admiral Lindy Halloun’s subordinate squadrons were all withdrawing to beyond Oort cloud, which forced Momoko to readjust her plan to maintain superiority over the edge of the Sol system.
What a brilliant individual!

Momoko muttered to herself, as her words became cold wind that was seeping through her bones.
The greatness of Admiral Lindy Halloun’s scope and the depth of her planning are staggering. It is neigh impossible for an ordinary person to put even one part of her objectives into reality, yet this Jade haired woman possessed the intelligence in both.
Lindy drew her commanders far away from her, making as if her own fleet would be isolated, but in fact she wished to pull the fleet into a massive trap, which Momoko saw through. It was beyond Momoko’s grasp as to how that Lindy was able to exit the Oort cloud. Momoko originally had hoped to utilize the timing differential in having the commanders making an about-face back to their main force and obtain a blitzkrieg victory. However, Lindy is moving as well, and heading straight to Earth according to computer projection. In order to prevent Lindy from entering the inner Sol and turning the surrounding space into a battlefield, Momoko would have to engage Lindy earlier than expected. To put it in another way, this act forced Momoko to start the encounter early. Obviously, this would’ve meant that Hayate and Chrono would’ve been even closer to the battlefield once the encounter begins, and they could pincer her more easily. Having Lindy in front and Hayate as well as Chrono from behind, Momoko could not possibly convince herself that she could obtain victory while being caught in the midst of their pincer. Momoko’s chance of success relies on immobilizing each major objective starting with Lindy, which then will provide a 50/50 chance of strategic victory. “Only fifty per cent?”
The tactical situation was created only after much turmoil, yet Momoko’s perspective was hardly advantageous. Momoko had to win, while Lindy only had to hold the line until her aces return to the battlefield. Although the ‘victory’ would be irrelevant to the Halloun fleet, but there is deep wisdom behind Lindy’s assertiveness as well as her initiatives. Having said that, in order to preserve the autonomy of her task force, Momoko had to best this ally. “Must I win…?”
Momoko smiled bitterly. “Must” is not a modus operendi that she preferred. Even if things do not always go as planned, she still wished that people can achieve self-determination. However, one looks back at the past with regrets at any rate… “This is just insane! Can’t I ask someone else to do it…?”




@satashi: And that new fic is just ... XD lovely as usual.
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Last edited by panzerfan; 2007-10-22 at 05:42.
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Old 2007-10-22, 06:18   Link #3286
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by panzerfan View Post
I have decided to do a semi-parody. This time, with far less explanation...
I'm sorry to say, this is entirely my own opinion, but it doesn't show much improvement compared to your previous efforts.
Currently it is mostly a rather dry analysis of one character's battle plans by another character. How about rewritting it as a narration of the battle as it is taking place?
And it's a semi-paraody of what?
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Old 2007-10-22, 06:53   Link #3287
panzerfan
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so more of this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by excerpt
A furious knocking can be heard, and Momoko stood up to open the door. A blond stood before her with a concerned look.
“Momoko-san…”
Arisa entered the room.
“I will be frank. Just what are you thinking about with Admiral Lindy spreading her ships everywhere?”
“What do you have to say about that?”
Arisa promptly answered. “Well then, here I go. This is obviously a blatant trap. She is trying to lure us in with an offer we can’t refuse. If we take the bait, they drop the bomb.” “What bomb?”
“If our fleet heads to their nest, every single one of those squadrons will pounce on us and counterattack immediately, and tie us up for good. What a trap that is.”
Momoko takes off her jacket, not sure how to answer Arisa, who was looking at her critically. “You obviously are well aware of it! If so, why the bloody hell are you jumping straight into the fray?”
Momoko says nothing as she strokes her auburn hair. Arisa closed in on her. “Well, do you think that we aren’t as good as they are?” “Don’t be a wuss and try to shut me up with that!”
Momoko admitted her mistake. “…you’re right. I was trying to take the easy way out of the argument. Sorry about that…” “I… sorry about that, Momoko-san.”
Momoko reoriented herself. “Well, Arisa-chan, I am sticking to ‘fighting only winnable fights’.”
“You’re saying that we can win?” “To be honest, a maybe.”
Momoko puts down a cup and looks toward Arisa. Since it’s useless to cover anything up anyways, she might as well as to come up with her honest assessment. “This is perhaps our only bet now. Lindy-san positions herself as such seeing as we’ve decided to be on the move. If she is merely interested in crippling our ability to operate independently, she will no doubt just march to Earth. Honestly, that’s perhaps more effective, yet she decided to not go for that option. I suppose we can say that she wants to show us her cause with earnest.” “You wouldn’t have decided to head off to face our friends out of the sense of chivalry?”
Momoko replied after some deep thought. “No! The only thing that I am thinking about is how to take advantage of our home turf to let them give up. However, it seems that this is about as conclusive as things will get.”
Arisa wondered whether or not if there exists some easier way out of their rut. “Well then, keep up with our typical whim and foppery!” Momoko happily nodded. “No worries. Useless to think otherwise anyways. Thank you for asking.”
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It would be enough for the depressing things in life to only exist in reality.
It is because that I think the birth of a story... is from people dreaming of a happy ending. ~Misaka Shiori


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Old 2007-10-22, 06:56   Link #3288
arkhangelsk
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How about a sodding diagram? As a reader, I am having zero situational awareness of the two Fleets' dispositions!
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Old 2007-10-22, 07:20   Link #3289
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by panzerfan View Post
so more of this?
That's better. It's still an analysis, but at least we got more into the characters' heads than the previous version. It seems to me the battle plan can be described in just a few lines. That's actually very good for a simple yet effective plan. You can use the rest of the scene to show the characters reactions to it. Since this isn't an action scene, that's the best I can think of.
From some of the lines, I'm guessing you were parodying LoGH?
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Old 2007-10-22, 08:04   Link #3290
panzerfan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C
From some of the lines, I'm guessing you were parodying LoGH?
Yep.
Quote:
Originally Posted by arkhangelsk
How about a sodding diagram?

(why'd I get worked up...)
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Old 2007-10-22, 09:53   Link #3291
Jimmy C
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That diagram is pretty much what I expected the fleet dispositions to be based on the descriptions in the first version. Although I hadn't put planets in my mental map, just fleet positions and vectors.
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Old 2007-10-22, 10:58   Link #3292
arkhangelsk
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OK, honest opinions...

Quote:
Originally Posted by panzerfan View Post
Yep.


(why'd I get worked up...)
Thanks for the diagram. It helped. It'd have helped more had it been to scale, or even consistent. Engaging 5 AU from the sun means that they'd be fighting somewhere close to the asteroid belt, not Neptune orbit ~30AUish. Or showing the relative strengths of all those pincers would be nice...

More generally: Frankly, the excerpt (if it was one) was poorly chosen. What draws people in are fights and action, or at least something that can stand by itself in an excerpt.

Tactical planning has its place in stories and if really done well can be interesting, but only in context (which frankly an excerpt does not have) of strategy. Right now, I don't know why Lindy is advancing on Earth at all, and without that I can't get into the thinking beyond whee, a pincer movement. A more attractive excerpt may be about Lindy, which goes into why she's attacking Earth, for example. That might get someone's attention.

For other random things, why the Oort cloud is so hard to navigate. It is far, far away and It is simply not that dense, at least in real life. It is not the TESB Hoth asteroid field, not even close.

Or I don't know the techno-tactical capabilities of the ships and fleets of both sides even in the broadest sense.. So I can't even evaluate whether Lindy is making a good move for myself or not.

How are is Momoko about Lindy's fleet disposition anyway? Is she just vaguely aware or is her understanding as good as that chart?

That's some of the tactical-strategic stuff. The excerpt produces a lot of question marks, which is good, but IMO leaves the reader uninterested in reading the main text for answers, which is bad. As for characterization, I'd leave it mainly to the others, but the excerpt is pretty flat.
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Old 2007-10-22, 11:22   Link #3293
Kirika-chan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Spinel Heart
Progress: not sure
length: 10,000 words
Separated in chapters due to excessive length.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3849110/1/

Enjoy chapter one.

edit: cookies if you now the pictures that inspired this story <3
Well, a new very good story *___*

I see ones of the two doujin (when Nanoha show Vivio to her parents) but I didn't see the other (when they play tennis ... Where I can find this? XD)

But, your story, and your 'description' of emotion is always awesome ... I'm not really good in english to explain myself what I mean, but you just know that I always read your fic, and you are, for me, the best writter for fanfic of Nanoha ^^ (I don't read fic of other serie XD).

So, really, really good job here and I'm waiting for the next (as usual ^^)

I read all of fic of Nanoha, so I can tell that I love fic of Eagle and Riddly too ^^ (good job you two I read your next stories too ^^)
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By crazyhorse -> Thanks!
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Old 2007-10-22, 13:11   Link #3294
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
I'm not sure if that's canon or not but I needed it for my story ^^;
I've been thinking, it is possible. But only if they finished off Precia in October the year before the Knights were activated. I don't like this because it means it's a whole year's gap between Nanoha and Fate parting at the bridge and meeting again in A's ep1. But it works just fine for your story.
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Old 2007-10-22, 13:26   Link #3295
akichimihito
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I started writing a HS fic about Nanoha and Fate and this is what I have so far...(well I have more but I don't want to give it all away XD)

Spoiler for length though not by much:


Comments concerns? Like no like? Feed back on stuff that makes no sense or just your thoughts are nice too.
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Old 2007-10-22, 15:56   Link #3296
Kirika-chan
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Akichimito ... I'm not perfectly understand and write english so my comments it's not very important like others writter of fanfic, but I like start of your story ^^
Nanoha who find Fate cute when she is embarrassed and Fate who find Nanoha cute when she pouted is really 'Kawai' ^^

So, I hope you wrote the next of this? And if you did, I read it as well, and one more time, says my little comment
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Old 2007-10-22, 16:06   Link #3297
Satashi
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@akichimihito:


In regards to your short excerpt.

First thing that really jumped out at me was that you used "smile" so much at the start ( four times in three lines). If you're just trying to imply happiness then try some other words. Smiling is only one of many physical signs to show emotions.


Quote:
“Ah- w-well…I-I didn’t…u-um…s-sorry…”
Just my personal opinon: a little too much stammering in one line.

Quote:
she did back then. But that also
Try not to start a line with "but".
Quote:
But that also didn’t mean Fate wasn’t always going to keep a watchful eye on Nanoha anymore.
Double negative made that kind of hard to understand.

Now that the nagging is done I'd like to say good job. It's really cute and fluffy, something that is good every now and then. Really needed after that angst fest we had a while ago D: . I must say I'm looking forward to seeing more of this ^^

<- for Kirika-chan
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Old 2007-10-22, 16:29   Link #3298
Evangelion Xgouki
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Spinel Heart
Progress: not sure
length: 10,000 words
Separated in chapters due to excessive length.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3849110/1/

Enjoy chapter one.

edit: cookies if you now the pictures that inspired this story <3
Wee~ New fic. Epic as usual, Satashi
You really had quite a bit of, um, detail at the end of that chapter . Man, I can only wish my fics were as good and popular as yours

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
Btw, are you sure they finished off Precia in October? I wanted to check, but I couldn't find any firm clues as to when the last episodes of Lyrical Nanoha took place. My own assumption is that it that it should have ended before the Knights were activated in A's, because they would certainly investigate any battles between Nanoha and Fate to see if it was a threat to Hayate.
I think the time-skip from Nanoha to Nanoha A's was 6 months. So since A's starts off in December, the Precia Incident would have ended around June 2005 (I think it was 2005 on the calenders shown...at work so can't really check my episodes ).

Quote:
Originally Posted by akichimihito View Post
I started writing a HS fic about Nanoha and Fate and this is what I have so far...(well I have more but I don't want to give it all away XD)

Spoiler for length though not by much:


Comments concerns? Like no like? Feed back on stuff that makes no sense or just your thoughts are nice too.
Mmmm...I think it has potential to turn out to be a nice fic . Just needs a few cosmetic fixes like Satashi mentioned and it'll be even better. Then again, I'm such a sucker for WAFF and romance .
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Old 2007-10-22, 17:30   Link #3299
Satashi
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WAFF is awesome (b")b two thumbs up for more WAFF
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Old 2007-10-22, 18:46   Link #3300
akichimihito
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@Satashi and Evangelion Xgouki

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I usually don't proof read my stuff until after I've posted it and for some reason or another I seem to catch all of my mistakes then. I did notice that I used smile way too much and thought "Wow, I'm very discriptive...=_=" I had a rough week so I don't know if that affected my writing or if it's just me but alas I will fix it up. *goes back to writing even though really should be doing hw*

And yeah, the main reason I started writing was because of all the angst-y fics -_-;; Too much angst people! We need to be happy! XD

@Kirika-chan:

Thanks even if you don't have stuff to comment about just knowing that you like it is candy for a writer.^^
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Last edited by akichimihito; 2007-10-22 at 19:00.
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