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Old 2008-09-09, 20:02   Link #2101
hell88
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@Yosei: I don't know what it is but I have this strange feeling that I know what happenes in the next chapter, I just can't put my finger on it.
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Old 2008-09-10, 19:56   Link #2102
Yosei
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Good morning all

Today I am proud to present the new arc of Let the Blood Flow, but it's not kicked off by me - it's kicked off by Hell with a guest chapter. Of course, the collaboration is nowhere near on the scale of E.S.S. nor the current experiment AkatsukiYu is doing. But it is great to see someone else's interpretation of this AU and really, there's no 'wrong' or 'right' way to interpret it anyway.

Now, I've given Hell almost complete creative freedom apart from, well, killing off Clare or things like that, and he wrote this chapter before sending it to me. So really, please review it as his work, rather than mine.


Spoiler for space:


Have fun.
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Old 2008-09-10, 20:17   Link #2103
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Yosei, I'm sorry to say this, but this chapter was horrible.

English-wise, I have no problems, but your presentation was absolutely horrid. The way you had Clarice going from one thing to the next, although reasonable, it's not well executed. Your wording was choppy, and your transition, like i said, was just as choppy.

In terms of Clarice, I felt that you should have given us a better presentation of what was happening in Clarice's mind. I mean honestly, when you're a fighter without a sponsor of any sorts, and on top of that a single mother who's only means of earning money at this point is to fight, it's going to do some harsh things to her mind, especially if she ends up being rejected by all the schools in succession. I mean she went through at least 4 or 5 schools, and one after another she's being rejected. There is going to be some mental trauma on her part, to the point that when she's asking Galatea for a chance to join the school, she's getting desperate.

In essence, you're just giving us a 2-dimensional picture of what's happening to her. Your previous chapters, such as the fight between Clare and Flora, had a deeper, more 3-dimensional feel to it. I felt that I could see the pain, the conflict between the two of them as they fought it out in the ring before Clare took over and finished it.

This chapter in general felt very 2-dimensional. There's streamlining, then there's just a hack-job. This felt a lot like a hack job. Even Clarice's home life could have been much more thought out, and more in depth. Mind you, I might have missed some things, but it would be nice if we could get a clear idea of what's happening in her home life. Heck, when she's out looking for a new place to train at, it would help a lot more to connect with Clarice, as it were, if we were to see how all this traveling from one school to the next was affecting Miata, and how Clarice is struggling to deal with her inability to fight really well, and to keep Miata fed every day.

Remember, a parent's first priority goes to their child. Their child's needs come before their own, so it would've added a lot more depth and feel to this chapter to see Clarice struggling to see to it that Miata always got the better share of whatever she could scrape together with whatever remains of her savings.

Now in terms of your actual presentation, like I said it's really, really choppy. You were just jumping from one thing to next. It didn't feel like this was an even line at all. It felt as if you wrote the scenes all on different sheets, and then just took it all together and slapped it together, rather than trying to bring it all together. I felt like I was in a storm of paragraphs, rather than a flowing river of a chapter.

Again I apologize, but this is not one of your best chapters.
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Old 2008-09-10, 20:30   Link #2104
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@ghazkgull: Thanks for the review. If you noticed it wasn't Yosei that made this chapter, anyway I know what your talking about, but you'll realize that the chapters I write for Yosei are more like fillers. I know what your talking about, but when I was writing that chapter I felt there was no need to add all that extra stuff, and like in the manga they don't really say what happens to the characters when they are traveling, and thats what I went by.

Oh and Yosei don't forget to post the character bios. Lol

See told you guys I knew what was going to happen but did anybody listen?:heh

Last edited by hell88; 2008-09-10 at 20:45.
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Old 2008-09-10, 20:35   Link #2105
Yosei
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Aw ghazgkull please go easy on Hell.

He really did his best. Let's just chalk it up to different writing styles - and if you really feel some heavy-handed criticism is necessary, a PM could help too.

Of course, the task of a reviewer is to post publicly the comments. But on someone else's debut chapter, not too encouraging for the writer, even if it is a filler chapter...
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Old 2008-09-10, 23:16   Link #2106
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosei View Post
Aw ghazgkull please go easy on Hell.

He really did his best. Let's just chalk it up to different writing styles - and if you really feel some heavy-handed criticism is necessary, a PM could help too.

Of course, the task of a reviewer is to post publicly the comments. But on someone else's debut chapter, not too encouraging for the writer, even if it is a filler chapter...


Oh....oops...my bad @.@

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Old 2008-09-11, 04:25   Link #2107
Yosei
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Yeah I didn't actually write the chapter. I'll be honest, I don't regret it at all. Hell and I agreed that he would give it a go, he did his best, and I posted it up, that is good enough for me.

But of course, your criticism, given its honesty and its detail, is completely legitimate. It might be something Hell needs to rethink next time he sets off to work? I dunno.
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Old 2008-09-11, 09:58   Link #2108
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It's no longer an experiment Yosei remember? What you did was a success. It's now called a project I'm just looking for more people.

Last edited by AkatsukiYu; 2008-09-11 at 19:28.
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Old 2008-09-11, 18:00   Link #2109
Yosei
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Ah, I see.

Now here are short blurbs on the protagonist and supporting characters. And one character who proved quite popular several chapters ago will also be asserting a very significant presence in this arc...

Spoiler for space:



And to supplement Hell's chapter, these are the profiles of the new characters he had introduced into the AU.


Spoiler for space:
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Old 2008-09-11, 19:29   Link #2110
hell88
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@Yosei: Cool you finally put the bio's that I made up on here.

Something I forgot to mention, never say your fic is on a lower scale than E.S.S. I think E.S.S. is on a much lower scale than your story.
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Old 2008-09-11, 20:12   Link #2111
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Hnnnn, Hell's chapter isn't a failure...it's just the basic outline. b Well, by my standards, it's an outline All he needs to do is to keep adding in details. Hell can see what he's writing out in his own mind, but we, the readers, need help with that so he needs more descriptions to help us see what he sees.

That's all I'll say on it.
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Old 2008-09-12, 00:20   Link #2112
weirdo487
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i know I'm a little late on this one (been busy cause of classes ) but what ever happened to E.S.S.???? someone was gonna write something on it but the chapter never (to my knowledge at least) appeared.
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Old 2008-09-12, 00:50   Link #2113
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weirdo487 View Post
i know I'm a little late on this one (been busy cause of classes ) but what ever happened to E.S.S.???? someone was gonna write something on it but the chapter never (to my knowledge at least) appeared.
ESS? What's that supposed to stand for now?

BTW was there any Flora stories that have been floating around that I've missed?
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Old 2008-09-12, 05:16   Link #2114
AkatsukiYu
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I read one on fanfiction.net... It was not very good at all. It's a Flora x Sailor Moon. I give my praise to the author for writing it, but the fic sort of make me cringe :S

I suppose you can consider my novelty to be a Flora fic, which is yet to be posted and is delayed.
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Old 2008-09-12, 06:26   Link #2115
Yosei
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And I thought my pairings were weird.
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Old 2008-09-12, 09:53   Link #2116
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@ghazghkull:
I see that you really took apart Hell's story. Some of your criticisms are justified, but well, presentation wise it was still acceptable.

Also about the Flora fic, I'm trying to write a ficlet, to make up for my botched up effort previously.


@Hell:
I personally just felt uncomfortable at the way Clarice was being moved around from point to point & situation to situation without much detail. Miata seemed a bit of an accessory. It would've been more focused if you began with the Agatha fight, & perhaps ended it with Clare's accepting Clarice. All the while, you could obscure the reasons for Clarice's determination, & then reveal Miata right at the end. It sounds a bit weird, but it would relieve the pain of Clarice being pulled in 2 sides: to career & her role as a parent.

Last edited by shelter; 2008-09-12 at 10:04.
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Old 2008-09-12, 13:27   Link #2117
Tempest35
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Y'know what Yosei? I believe we completely forgot an important element in the last story in the bout between Irene and Clare - where in the world is the crowd at the end? lol They would have been screaming the roof down when Irene and Clare exchanged their final blows....

Hnn, let me copy n paste that particular manuscript and let me play with it for a few hours? ?
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Old 2008-09-12, 17:30   Link #2118
weirdo487
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
ESS? What's that supposed to stand for now?
well it stands for the same thing it always did which is epic soul searching.
it was and probably still is (at least to my knowledge) the biggest group effort on this forum. there were about four of us writing bits for it long ago.

But seriously what ever happened to it??? and where have bishou and mikke gone off to???
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Old 2008-09-12, 18:47   Link #2119
Yosei
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempest35 View Post
Y'know what Yosei? I believe we completely forgot an important element in the last story in the bout between Irene and Clare - where in the world is the crowd at the end? lol They would have been screaming the roof down when Irene and Clare exchanged their final blows....

Hnn, let me copy n paste that particular manuscript and let me play with it for a few hours? ?
You just do that.

I spent my writing time with AkatsukiYu's assigned arcs yesterday, so the boxing chapter has been slightly delayed. But I think it will be up today or tomorrow.
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Old 2008-09-12, 22:31   Link #2120
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Spoiler for For Yosei. :):
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Last edited by Tempest35; 2008-09-13 at 09:04. Reason: Made it 'pretty'
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