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Old 2008-09-16, 08:29   Link #2141
Yosei
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Well, with Hell's chapter I just needed to change the format. With your edits... I had to remove one or two parts that I myself wrote so it didn't conflict with yours. Luckily, I believe the main plot has remained acceptable in your eyes, so in all practicality it hasn't been changed. But if you go ahead and introduce a certain character, who knows... the possibilities are there.

@ Akatsuki: I sent you a PM, thanks for your help.

Here is Chapter 20 of the main plot. BUT after the real-time of the setting's "evening and day" are over, people are welcome to start anew with separate individual plots (barring Flora and Clare). One-shots, chapters, even contemplative poetry accepted, lol.


Spoiler for space:



Spoiler for w00t:
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Last edited by Yosei; 2008-09-16 at 10:39. Reason: typos
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Old 2008-09-16, 11:42   Link #2142
shelter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempest35 View Post
...could I suggest the Clare/Miria angle if for nothing more than to have even more development for Tabatha - and her feelings of being measured up against Clare in Miria's mind? A lil angst there but hey - its for the story...
Thanks Tempest, your inputs are very insightful.

Hmm...since I'm the type of Claymore fan that thinks that Clare belongs solely to Raki... (ducks all the rotten tomatoes)

It is worth a thought. When I write fics I write them around characters, not situations. So at the beginning it began with Tabitha in mind, & of course Miria as the leader, and Clare in the background. I feel a Tabitha-Miria-Clare love triangle is worth a challenge - given all the unnecessary angst that will come out from it, but Clare's role in this story is a bit too small for that.

Also I'm not too sure what you mean "being measured up". I will, however, try to explore your idea in the fics I'm writing for Akatsuki Yu.

Thanks KillerYomaFromSpace & Yosei for your comments too Must get down to reading all your stuff here.
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Old 2008-09-16, 14:59   Link #2143
Tempest35
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@ Shelter - Sent a PM, hopefully that gets across what I meant. I have to clean out my PMs at least once a week now thanks to this. lol

Hnnn, not the right time yet...I'll jump in after antoher chapter or so.
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Old 2008-09-16, 18:26   Link #2144
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@shelter: If you continue this story about Miria and Tabitha, I will be a Tabitha fan. Even though there was no action in that, I can still say wow good job.

@Yosei: So there is more to the boxing community then meets the eye, but finally Galatea is going to fight. I was wondering if you were going to have her fight or just coach, she's probably going to kick Dauf's ass.
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Old 2008-09-18, 04:50   Link #2145
Yosei
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Okay short break after this chapter since everything is geared for the World Festival. Guest chapters are pending: Hell is coming up with two chapters for us, and I am hoping AkatsukiYu has something cooking too. Hopefully more guest chapters will encourage others to take up the adventures of their favourite boxer.


Spoiler for space:
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Old 2008-09-18, 06:53   Link #2146
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@Yosei: So this is Galatea's power, she seems stronger than Irene. Good cliffehanger, now it seems Rigardo is going to do something. I wonder how the world championship festival will go now that everyone is fighting before that.
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Old 2008-09-18, 06:55   Link #2147
Yosei
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Hehe well not much, since it's guest chapter time!
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Old 2008-09-18, 10:13   Link #2148
shelter
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@ Yosei: Guest chapter time? So you'll be taking a break while guest writers fill in some additional characters?

I didn't review your last chapter - but I felt that you built thew tension over from the previous one quite well. Both chapters seemed simply geared towards the teasing climax of Galatea showing her power. And, yeah, it reminds me of the Galatea vs. Dauf fight in the canon. It's not explicitly said what exactly did Galatea do to overwhelm Dauf & his hooligans, but am I right to say - just like canon - she possesses a skill that is beyond the usual melee style?

I found it very uncanny that (it seems) Flora & Galatea can stand up to Dauf's undefined style. Since Clare knows a bit of both Irene & Flora's skills, why were her moves so ineffective?

Rigardo wrestling the bull: now that's a good image to keep in mind.
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Old 2008-09-18, 13:09   Link #2149
Ryuken
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@hell, bringing back Rafa was ok. I think that the surprise factor was a little bit off. The best bit for me was the interaction between Raki and Clarice. Now that was beautiful. Was a little surprised that Raki stopped. This would mean that he really has strong feelings for Miria don't you think so?
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Old 2008-09-18, 13:10   Link #2150
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Hnnn, Okay, this might be a good time for me to intro the person I'll be handling. It will be quite a long chapter so bear with me. Give me a week. lol
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Old 2008-09-18, 19:42   Link #2151
Yosei
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelter View Post
@ Yosei: Guest chapter time? So you'll be taking a break while guest writers fill in some additional characters?
Yup. It won't be a long break though. Basically, apart from AkatsukiYu inspiring me, Tempest also suggested that an "overarching" plot with some sinister elements would make this story better than it was. So I am going to be devoting my writing to this main plot about the Rabona gang vs. the Royal Lancers whilst the guest chapters are intended to give other writers a chance to bring their interpretation of the everyday lives of any boxer/s and give a depth to the story I probably can't.


Quote:
It's not explicitly said what exactly did Galatea do to overwhelm Dauf & his hooligans, but am I right to say - just like canon - she possesses a skill that is beyond the usual melee style?
Her official style is of a defensive nature, but her Fist of Heaven is unparalleled amongst the Rabona gang for its sheer destructive capability. After I post up Hell's chapter, I will make use of my short break to compile a short list of techniques every character uses... you are welcome to add more techniques that you think would fit the character, or even suggest how certain moves work.


Quote:
I found it very uncanny that (it seems) Flora & Galatea can stand up to Dauf's undefined style. Since Clare knows a bit of both Irene & Flora's skills, why were her moves so ineffective?
Perhaps it's a lame explanation, but Clare was unlucky. She's a poor match-up against Dauf (who has no real style). She hasn't mastered Flash-Strike fully, nor has she any experience in street brawling... something many boxers/martial artists find difficult adjusting to.

Galatea, as her background will be gradually revealed, is a different story.


Here is Hell's guest chapter. Have fun.

Spoiler for space:
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Old 2008-09-18, 19:57   Link #2152
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@Yosei: I see you posted my other chapter, It feels a little quick with all the things you took out, oh well Clarice still got in.
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Old 2008-09-19, 09:19   Link #2153
Yosei
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Hm a bit quiet here since I last posted

@ Hell: Damn, I'm so sorry. I'm so lame, to ask people to write for the story and then arbitrarily say "Gnah, Flora's mine!" I promise this won't happen again. (Your third chapter's 100% fine BTW, checked it twice)


Dauf's profile up.

Spoiler for big oaf:



Also looking for people who like the more technical side of storytelling, i.e. coming up with cool moves and techniques for boxers. For example:


Cynthia (name) (All-round) (style)

Demon Hook (technique): Rolling infighter technique that cannot be stopped once initiated. Continuous hooks from both sides. (description)

Will post up all the Rabona gang later... and the Royal Lancers afterwards...
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Old 2008-09-20, 11:32   Link #2154
shelter
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@ Hell & Yosei:
I don't find anything bad, or wrong about the guest chapter. It fit the plot well, and beyond some spelling problems it's all right. But here are some thoughts that I had:

1) In the established story, Galatea as the manager of the Academy requires proof that fighters wanting to join are worth the time, effort & cost to train. With Clare, the chosen & accepted method of this examination has been to last 1 minute in a bout against Cynthia. For 3 different characters - Clare, Clarice & now Miria - you've used this development. Do you think it's a bit overused?

How about a tagteam bout to see how well the new fighter can get along with her potential teammates? Or a proof of loyalty, like doing something that would show her devotion to Galatea?


2) With all the guest writers contributing, I wonder if this will affect the direction of the original. I've got no doubt that Yosei has untouchable characters, but with all these additional people in Rabona Academy, how will you reflect their strength? Since ultimately, in the showdown with the Royal Lancers, the strength of Rabona Academy will be the main issue.
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Old 2008-09-20, 13:25   Link #2155
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelter View Post
2) With all the guest writers contributing, I wonder if this will affect the direction of the original. I've got no doubt that Yosei has untouchable characters, but with all these additional people in Rabona Academy, how will you reflect their strength? Since ultimately, in the showdown with the Royal Lancers, the strength of Rabona Academy will be the main issue.
This is what I think, the guest chapters that I or anyone else make up should not effect Yosie's story. They are like side stories, and Yosie keeps the orginal plot going the way it is. So some of the characters are there like Clarice, only Yosie is not writing about them and sticking to the characters he started out with while anyone else like me can write about the characters that aren't really in the story.
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Old 2008-09-21, 01:30   Link #2156
Yosei
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@ Shelter: I personally think it was slightly overused, but because Miria and Clarice are not my focus, it was up to the guest writers to diversify... or keep it simple.

And on the question of untouchable characters. I admit that is still an issue to untangle. We will see how it goes.

Okay, now here's Hell's new guest chapter. Hope it goes well - and I will soon start my continuing chapter, followed up by AkatsukiYu's contribution.


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Old 2008-09-21, 04:45   Link #2157
KillerYomaFromSpace
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wow, it seems that everyone wants vengeance now...

btw Yosei, if I remember right, in one of your previous chapters Rigald included Teresa as one of the traitors who must be punished. I don't think it makes any sense if they blame her for anything, but thats not the case, they can think what they want, what I want to ask is: do they really plan to do anything against Teresa?
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Old 2008-09-21, 07:08   Link #2158
Tempest35
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Their best bet of doing something against Teresa would be to hurt Clare - that's about it. So they'll focus on Clare until she breaks. Someone might try to attack Teresa directly but she'd get help from the most unlikely of sources for that.
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Old 2008-09-21, 09:05   Link #2159
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosei View Post
@ Shelter: I personally think it was slightly overused, but because Miria and Clarice are not my focus, it was up to the guest writers to diversify... or keep it simple.

And on the question of untouchable characters. I admit that is still an issue to untangle. We will see how it goes.

Okay, now here's Hell's new guest chapter. Hope it goes well - and I will soon start my continuing chapter, followed up by AkatsukiYu's contribution.


Spoiler for space:
I wasn't expecting you to put this chapter up so soon. Which means I'm going to have to finish my next one soon and send it to you.
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Old 2008-09-21, 12:19   Link #2160
shelter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KillerYomaFromSpace View Post
wow, it seems that everyone wants vengeance now...
That more or less summed up my reaction to Hell's guest chapter. Again, it's structurally sound & quite a joy to read since everyone Clarice & the Rabona trainees go up against get beaten back to the ground I just think that, unfortunately, unlike Clare, Clarice is taking quite a long time to even punch right. Maybe that's because we don't see too much of her.

Hell stumbled upon quite an interesting point in this chapter: apart from Jeane & Flora, it seems that all the new arrivals to Rabona are either dropouts, rebels or runaways from Sutafu, right? And it seems that all their opponents are Sutafu people as well? I understand that Yosei mentioned a least 2 other academies in the main story, so why don't these fighters choose the others instead? I interpreted it as Rabona's rise to power as a boxing school in its own right.

The question on untouchable chapters is really fine - I just brought that up because it seemed that most of the other characters save for Galatea, Cynthia, Clare & Flora were being developed at their expense in the guest installments.
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