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Old 2007-09-04, 22:57   Link #241
Negativedark
Proud Yuma Lover.
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
I need to log into ff.net and give you reviews. For now lets just say that I really enjoy your claymore fics. Also need to read notebook sometime.
Note to self, make my friend hurry up and get my that copy of open office so I can post on ff.net again....
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Old 2007-09-05, 00:49   Link #242
Hamstadini
Raki/Claire fan
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Southern California
And speak of the devil... Silver Grey has been updated.
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Old 2007-09-05, 00:58   Link #243
Fenrir_valindri
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I put alot of effort into this one, kinda watered up my eyes a bit.

Spoiler for Stories of the North Part 3:


Took a step away from humor, but kept to the friendship theme.

Edit: Added in and reworked some stuff, ty for the help guys!
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Last edited by Fenrir_valindri; 2007-09-05 at 15:42.
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Old 2007-09-05, 01:07   Link #244
Hamstadini
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It was pretty good, seems ripe for drama. The only qualm I had was with the sudden switch in perspective - traditionally, an author keeps to the head of one person in a segment, and doesn't switch to the other so quickly. It is...jarring to the reader.

The problem is, the last half of the segment has to deal with Claire. There's no other way around it. Which means to keep to the "traditional" narrative, you'd either need to have Claire spilling her guts out (metaphorically) or you'd need to have a line break. Neither of which are very good options.

Another thing you could do is have this segment done in Claire's POV instead of Miria's, but you seem to identify more with Miria... *shrug* my suggestions are limited.
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Old 2007-09-05, 01:17   Link #245
emu777
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenrir_valindri View Post
I put alot of effort into this one, kinda watered up my eyes a bit.

Spoiler for Stories of the North Part 3:


Took a step away from humor, but kept to the friendship theme.
Hmmmm.....this chapter does have a certain je ne ces quos to it(even if it is a little short), although it definitley doesent keep with the mood. also you might want to mention something about the quest for new unforms just for chapter linkage purposes.
Again keep up the good work.
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Old 2007-09-05, 07:04   Link #246
Tempest35
Awe of She
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Quote:
Was it because those that she grew close to died? The deaths of Jean and Flora had been a heavier blow for Clare then most of us, but still I find it unlikely that that alone wou—
-3rd person correction would be: but still she found
-and-
Quote:
Healing was was a slow process for the heart, and if someone as strong as Miria needed the support of others to help her, then maybe I do too.
-3rd person correction: then maybe she did too -or- then maybe she needed support as well.

My views - Switched to 1st person in these two spots. They didn't seem like actual thoughts that would need the '()'s so I assumed that you wanted to keep a 3rd person view going... Since this particular chapter is a little more somber...more attention to the surroundings in how it relates to both Miria's and Clare's moods would add a bit more to the atmosphere. Walking through a ruined town would definitely add to this particular one. Okay, that's my writing corner bit. Gambare.
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Old 2007-09-05, 07:06   Link #247
Zatoichi8820XX
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Spoiler for Bleach and Claymore: Curent with the manga Storyline:
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Old 2007-09-05, 07:22   Link #248
Tempest35
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The Seven = Vizards...easiest/fastest comparison I can draw. And I'll have to see how you approach this before making further comments.
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Old 2007-09-05, 08:13   Link #249
Zatoichi8820XX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempest35 View Post
The Seven = Vizards...easiest/fastest comparison I can draw. And I'll have to see how you approach this before making further comments.
well here's my profile:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/640164/

and there will be pairings
Hitsugaya and Miria
Ichigo and Clare
Renji and Helen (aguing mostly)
the story will have three parts to it.
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Old 2007-09-05, 08:20   Link #250
Fenrir_valindri
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zatoichi8820XX View Post
well here's my profile:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/640164/

and there will be pairings
Hitsugaya and Miria
Ichigo and Clare
Renji and Helen (aguing mostly)
the story will have three parts to it.

Was fine with all but the first one
Hitsugaya? I do not really see it.

Ty for the tips all, will try to see what I can do.

Edit: Reworked some stuff, and added some stuff in, please check it out guys!
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Last edited by Fenrir_valindri; 2007-09-05 at 08:40.
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Old 2007-09-05, 11:54   Link #251
Hamstadini
Raki/Claire fan
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zatoichi8820XX View Post
well here's my profile:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/640164/

and there will be pairings
Hitsugaya and Miria
Ichigo and Clare
Renji and Helen (aguing mostly)
the story will have three parts to it.
:-S Apologies for the criticism, but it sounds too... forced, like the characters are getting together because it's the Will of The Powers That Be to do so. Ichigo and Claire cannot develop in three chapters (if these parts are chapters) without significant personality change on either one or both of their parts - I imagine Ichigo the spitfire from the manga, drawing his sword first and asking questions later. Renji and Helen? What about all that romantic tension between he and Rukia? Can he just set that aside and go after a Claymore? Unbelievable, in my opinion.

My advice? Prove to me that these characters belong together. Make it long, make it slow. Show me that they identify with each other more than as killing machines. Don't have them fall in love right away - a few bumps along the road will do nicely. And I swear, if you have Claire totally forget about Raki and her promise to him, I will parody.
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Old 2007-09-05, 14:01   Link #252
Tempest35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zatoichi8820XX View Post
well here's my profile:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/640164/

and there will be pairings
Hitsugaya and Miria
Ichigo and Clare
Renji and Helen (aguing mostly)
the story will have three parts to it.
Whaa~ no Sado/Deneve?? XD

Sorry if you feel that some people in here are against your idea but these girls are most beloved, especially on this forum and as such, they are ready to go 'DAI GURREN DAN' on anyone who would alter these characters without good reason. We just want the best for our Claymores so do your best~ Or Hammy will send a Raki your way. XD
The thought of Clare yelling 'Bankai' though is appealing on some level.

@ Fenris - Reads much better now. This will be the last time I nag on this chapter but you know it's in love for Miria.
Spoiler for once more for constructive critique...I promise:
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Last edited by Tempest35; 2007-09-05 at 14:18.
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Old 2007-09-05, 14:21   Link #253
Fenrir_valindri
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Join Date: Apr 2007
thanks for pointing that out tempest, now that I look back on it, it does seem a bit more OOC then I would have prefered. I'll fix it in a bit.

Edit: added the fix, ty for the help guys.
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Last edited by Fenrir_valindri; 2007-09-05 at 15:42.
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Old 2007-09-05, 16:38   Link #254
Zatoichi8820XX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempest35 View Post
Whaa~ no Sado/Deneve?? XD

Sorry if you feel that some people in here are against your idea but these girls are most beloved, especially on this forum and as such, they are ready to go 'DAI GURREN DAN' on anyone who would alter these characters without good reason. We just want the best for our Claymores so do your best~ Or Hammy will send a Raki your way. XD
The thought of Clare yelling 'Bankai' though is appealing on some level.

@ Fenris - Reads much better now. This will be the last time I nag on this chapter but you know it's in love for Miria.
Spoiler for once more for constructive critique...I promise:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hamstadini View Post
:-S Apologies for the criticism, but it sounds too... forced, like the characters are getting together because it's the Will of The Powers That Be to do so. Ichigo and Claire cannot develop in three chapters (if these parts are chapters) without significant personality change on either one or both of their parts - I imagine Ichigo the spitfire from the manga, drawing his sword first and asking questions later. Renji and Helen? What about all that romantic tension between he and Rukia? Can he just set that aside and go after a Claymore? Unbelievable, in my opinion.

My advice? Prove to me that these characters belong together. Make it long, make it slow. Show me that they identify with each other more than as killing machines. Don't have them fall in love right away - a few bumps along the road will do nicely. And I swear, if you have Claire totally forget about Raki and her promise to him, I will parody.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenrir_valindri View Post
Was fine with all but the first one
Hitsugaya? I do not really see it.

Ty for the tips all, will try to see what I can do.

Edit: Reworked some stuff, and added some stuff in, please check it out guys!
no no..it's not romantic (except Miria and Hitsugaya) But With the other pairing..is battle against each other at the first part. (I ment that the story it self well be split in to three sparate storylines. I'm PM you later for the full explaination.
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Old 2007-09-05, 20:49   Link #255
Fenrir_valindri
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I just really cant see Miria with Hitsugaya in all honesty. It just does not fit, Clare is the one who goes after younger guys afterall.

and dont get technical on Hitsugaya's age on me, he is still a bozu.

Edit: Uploaded chapter 3 of Stories from the North on Fanfiction.net, please Read and Review, added a bit more to the FF.net version, not much though.
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Last edited by Fenrir_valindri; 2007-09-05 at 21:24.
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Old 2007-09-05, 22:19   Link #256
Zatoichi8820XX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenrir_valindri View Post
I just really cant see Miria with Hitsugaya in all honesty. It just does not fit, Clare is the one who goes after younger guys afterall.

and dont get technical on Hitsugaya's age on me, he is still a bozu.

Edit: Uploaded chapter 3 of Stories from the North on Fanfiction.net, please Read and Review, added a bit more to the FF.net version, not much though.
damn I really have to work something out with that. But with Clare and Ichigo it's more like a friendship thing.
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Old 2007-09-05, 22:23   Link #257
Fenrir_valindri
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zatoichi8820XX View Post
damn I really have to work something out with that. But with Clare and Ichigo it's more like a friendship thing.
I could see that working, the Clare/Ichigo friendship.
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Old 2007-09-05, 22:36   Link #258
Tempest35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenrir_valindri View Post
I just really cant see Miria with Hitsugaya in all honesty. It just does not fit, Clare is the one who goes after younger guys afterall.

and dont get technical on Hitsugaya's age on me, he is still a bozu.

Edit: Uploaded chapter 3 of Stories from the North on Fanfiction.net, please Read and Review, added a bit more to the FF.net version, not much though.
Alright, yet another chapter is up. I really should get to work on continuing 'Rank 47' but I feel too lazy about it right now.

:muse at work here:
I see Cynthia and Helen pulling a modest little modeling show together for them, complete with food and ale - a small party to the birth of their new group. But that could wait...

:kicks myself to go work on Irene's part in my story:
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Old 2007-09-05, 22:48   Link #259
Zatoichi8820XX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenrir_valindri View Post
I could see that working, the Clare/Ichigo friendship.

oh yeah can you link me you you story..I whould really love to read it.
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Old 2007-09-05, 23:07   Link #260
Fenrir_valindri
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Join Date: Apr 2007
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3763312/...from_the_North

Hehe, any constructive reviews are appreciated, I try my best to improve.
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