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Old 2009-01-04, 15:20   Link #3101
hell88
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJB View Post
Now I have incest in my head.
I only have one thing to say about that... eeeeeeeeeeeeeew!
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Old 2009-01-04, 17:24   Link #3102
MisterJB
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seeing as the second chapter was really small, this was faster to write. Thanks to hell88 for the idea on Helen's father

Spoiler for chapter 3:
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Old 2009-01-04, 18:42   Link #3103
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Originally Posted by MisterJB View Post
seeing as the second chapter was really small, this was faster to write. Thanks to hell88 for the idea on Helen's father

Spoiler for chapter 3:
Great title.

Anyway I don't have much to say about this chapter except one thing. When Helen's mother Helena is telling Deneve about the father it isn't described very well about who he is. I think more description is needed for this part if you really want to catch the readers attention unless you are planning on saying more about who it was and how he died later in the next chapter or something? It also doesn't say enough as to why she has that painting, all she says is that it reminds her of Helen, but I would have used something else like its worth a ton of money, or something like that.
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Old 2009-01-04, 18:46   Link #3104
MisterJB
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hell88: thanks for the review.
Well, the problem is that we don't have that much information about him after all. I will probrably develop that in future chapters
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Old 2009-01-04, 19:03   Link #3105
hell88
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hell88: thanks for the review.
Well, the problem is that we don't have that much information about him after all. I will probrably develop that in future chapters
There is lots of information you just have to make stuff up. It is fanfiction you know.
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Old 2009-01-04, 21:55   Link #3106
Ryuken
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ancient Soul View Post
CLAYMORE OMAKES\\

Ermita and his nine daughters...
Irene, Sophie, Noel, Galatea, Ophelia, Miria, Audrey, Rachel, Renee...
and sometimes Dietrich!

Spoiler for CLAYMORES OMAKES RATED\CENSORED:
Very well done, so many ideas and they follow each other very nicely.
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Old 2009-01-04, 22:46   Link #3107
Hari Michiru
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Time for me to edit again

Spoiler for chapter 3:


You made the same mistakes as you did last chapter .

Can I ask you one thing: is English your native language? If it isn't, I'll forgive you slightly .

You should try to run your story through a spell checker and check on the grammar before posting it anywhere. I really wanted to review on the conceptual side of your story, but my spelling+grammer nazi side is too mad from editing .
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Old 2009-01-04, 23:43   Link #3108
Yosei
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I agree with Hari, but on the other hand, astonishingly, sometimes spell-check doesn't help. It helps generally for elementary spelling errors, but sometimes the dictionary doesn't have words that actually exist, but are more intricate or subtle than most.
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Old 2009-01-04, 23:47   Link #3109
Hari Michiru
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Originally Posted by Yosei View Post
I agree with Hari, but on the other hand, astonishingly, sometimes spell-check doesn't help. It helps generally for elementary spelling errors, but sometimes the dictionary doesn't have words that actually exist, but are more intricate or subtle than most.
True. That's why I love spell check and hate it at the same time .
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Old 2009-01-05, 10:09   Link #3110
shelter
Every word must conjure
 
 
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Some reviews to pass around for all

1. Hari Michiru - Untitled Short Story
Spoiler for Review:



2. Hell - Chapter 20
Spoiler for Review:



3. MisterJB - Chapters 2-3
Spoiler for Review:


@MisterJB - Your avatar changes are making me confused LOL I keep thinking there's someone new commenting
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Old 2009-01-05, 12:40   Link #3111
MisterJB
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hell88: Thanks for the ideas. I will leave in here what I had though about Helen's birth and stuff

In my opinion, Helen is 2 years older than Clare so now, Helen is IMO 27 while Clare is 25.
So the town from which Helena was able to escape was defended by human soldiers, at that time she was on the beginnig of the pregnancy. She escaped and went to the South and 9 months later Helen is born. This all hapened 2 years before Clare was born.

Seven years after this, Teresa meets Clare and Helen is taken by Ermita, so when Helen's father died she was already training with the Organization.
Some time after that, Teresa kills Helen's father and is later killed by Priscilla.
But please don't think that this was all random, after all, Ermita is Darkhenus's spy and he was the one to pick Helen. Let's just say that Darkhenus also had his word to say in all of this. I hope this cleared some doubts.

Hari Michiru: Thanks for the editing and very sorry. It must have been painful for you. This is a problem I have when there is a lot of talk in the chapters, next one has little dialogue so it should have less errors. You pointed some very good points there but Ermita's robes actually covers his face, just look at Ancient Soul's sig.
Look, I'm a completely noob with pcs, spell checker is some program I can download or something like that?

shelter: Thanks for the review. Please forgive me for playing with the plot, I'm not in a hurry to finish this fic but after this arc of the three separate battles, thing should be going forward with the next arc that it will be called "The End of the Deal"
I'm glad you liked the cliffhanger.
I hope that my explanation in the beggining of this post helped to bring some logic to the whole Helen's father thing

LOL hell told me the same thing
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Old 2009-01-05, 18:08   Link #3112
Hari Michiru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelter View Post
Some reviews to pass around for all

1. Hari Michiru - Untitled Short Story
Spoiler for Review:
Oh-my-god. *smacks self* Now that I re-read it, I see what you mean. I cannnot get it past me now. Time to do seppuku.

Joking, joking. Thanks for the criticism though; I really appreciate it .

Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJB View Post
Hari Michiru: Thanks for the editing and very sorry. It must have been painful for you. This is a problem I have when there is a lot of talk in the chapters, next one has little dialogue so it should have less errors. You pointed some very good points there but Ermita's robes actually covers his face, just look at Ancient Soul's sig.
Look, I'm a completely noob with pcs, spell checker is some program I can download or something like that?
Ah, it's okay. I've never paid attention to Ermita too much, so I wouldn't know. Plus, I'm a Claymore noob . Sorry 'bout that.

If you're using Microsoft Word, it should spellcheck and check your grammar (although just basic grammar) for you. It won't help if you confuse things like they're/their/there though. If you're using a Mac, I'm pretty sure w/e Mac users use spell check too. I don't know if you can download a good word processor for free though, although, if you're using Firefox, you can make it spell check for you (hardly to never works properly for me anymore, but it used to).

Ignore the Grammar/Spelling nazi when she's having a little spazz attack .
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Old 2009-01-05, 18:20   Link #3113
MisterJB
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No need to be sorry. I only found out the name of those MIB in this forum.

I use microsoft word or microsoft old is a better way to put it. It didn't warn me about those whole sentences that were gramatically incorrect.

And no, English is not my native language, I'm portuguese
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Old 2009-01-05, 18:51   Link #3114
Hari Michiru
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No need to be sorry. I only found out the name of those MIB in this forum.

I use microsoft word or microsoft old is a better way to put it. It didn't warn me about those whole sentences that were gramatically incorrect.

And no, English is not my native language, I'm portuguese
Really? The 2003 and 2007 versions should spell check for you though. O_O

If English isn't your native language, I forgive you. English = too many irregular stuff.
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Old 2009-01-06, 13:00   Link #3115
hell88
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Alright everyone I am taking a break from Burning Rubber for now. I am going to go back to writing the third part to my other story. After that I will go back to Burning Rubber.
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Old 2009-01-06, 13:05   Link #3116
hell88
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Quote:
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Damn. Got to speed up the reading of Renegade Warrior
Just think after you are done reading that you have to read Double Edged.
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Old 2009-01-06, 13:09   Link #3117
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Yeah, the third part of the story will be even shorter than that.
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Old 2009-01-06, 15:26   Link #3118
Yosei
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Hi all, here is The Southern Battles, part II.
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Old 2009-01-07, 16:38   Link #3119
MisterJB
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Here is next chapter. I was really anxious for this one and for the next
I hope you enjoy it

Spoiler for chapter 4:



Seriously, place your bets. I have no idea how that figth should end. Your suggestions migth affect the plot

Last edited by MisterJB; 2009-01-08 at 13:37.
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Old 2009-01-07, 17:06   Link #3120
hell88
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I think they should both destroy each other. Oh and BTW Easley does not carry an axe, he has a lance.
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