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Old 2011-05-29, 14:34   Link #4081
revan5
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http://bmesias063.deviantart.com/art...iles-209816509

I'll have to ask him to simplify and up-size the descriptions for your benefit. Not to worry, I'm sure he can fix the issue!

Spoiler for Bigger version:
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Old 2011-06-04, 10:23   Link #4082
shelter
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@Shiek, this is the 2nd (and last) part of the fic I posted previously.

Working Title: Nothing but White (Part 2)
Rating: T
Word Count: 3,342

Notes: It got a bit longer than expected.

Spoiler for Nothing but White (Part 2):



Lame ending? Not believable? Too dramatic? Comments & critique appreciated. I'm not satisfied with it, so I would like feedback to improve.
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Old 2011-06-04, 21:22   Link #4083
Shiek927
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First of all.....why was I the only one who reviewed the first part when their were more people who gave you advice? :/

It was much more like your other works Shelter -- it was dark, much darker then I expected. Isley's machinations finally caught up with him, and one thing that I felt that makes your story a success, is the regret - I genuinely felt the regret that he had; he gambled one too many, and lost. In a sense, you could argue that making Raki into an Awakened Being would be protecting him, but even that is unknown -- that's what I like about him here, because it's unknown what he's feeling regret for: for the loss of his plans, or his companions. Isley is a strategist, who takes advantage of everything he can, whether it be people or situations -- he has no remorse in sacrificing his army and so called friends, and tried to do the same with them, which is why it was such a shock that Raki would pull one over him.

That's why I feel he's the star here, because even at the end, I feel it's unknown where his feelings truly lie - so much of this story in both parts, were just acting: both Raki and Isley playing roles and hiding their true intentions, much less feelings. It feels Shakespearean the kind of betrayal that happens....because what gets me is...who really betrayed who? did Isley betray Raki? or vice-versa? you could very well argue that it goes both ways. What I felt from the first part, in that they are both using eachother as a means to an ends, continues and explodes here.

And yet, you have to wonder if it's a hollow victory for Raki if Isley really did feel something for these two, and yet, we'll never know and I prefer it that way -- I love the ambiguity of his portrayal. Was he really doing everything he did for Raki's welfare? to suit his own purposes? to further his own control over Priscilla? a combination of reasons? it's so hard to say really. One thing feels clear to me though -- he went where he shouldn't have; he couldn't leave well enough alone. He played a game with the two closest people he could call a family, and the result was losing them both - that is where I feel the regret comes from.

What made this story so dark though was from the most unexpected source -- Raki. The story felt somewhat predictable until the end: I did not expect whatsoever, that Raki would force Isley to dig up the graves of the Claymores. You could almost call it twisted revenge for the massacre that he ordered. Yet, the sheer fact that this demand is coming from Raki of all people makes the feeling of it more shock then anything else - I feel his time with him has made him more like Isley then he expected. He himself has pulled off a move that overthrew the Silver King, and leaves him looking upon the decomposed faces of the warrior women he is responsible for -- it made me think of your previous stories and just how dark they were, which the first part didn't have as much.

....It just feels so wasted; you could argue on how any sort of relationship between these three could have possibly worked out, but you have to wonder just how things would have happened had they not been so busy playing games with eachother and simply been honest with their intentions. You could say that it was never going to last, but you definitely took it to the next level Shelter; you definitely expressed the tragedy and regret that occurs in the manga, so it ties in relatively well.

I could go on and on about my impressions, but I want to make some sort of point -- I did get a feeling of rushness. Not the story, but the mechanics -- more and more, especially toward the end...it feels kind of sloppy. You definitely should look this over for editing because I feel you could do better. The spacing, the wording...this part definitely needs a second look through.

Gotta go, but it was a very enjoyable look at one possible way these three could have split up: if nothing else, I'm just happy another fic with them was made.
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Old 2011-06-05, 02:56   Link #4084
shelter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiek927 View Post
What made this story so dark though was from the most unexpected source -- Raki. The story felt somewhat predictable until the end: I did not expect whatsoever, that Raki would force Isley to dig up the graves of the Claymores. You could almost call it twisted revenge for the massacre that he ordered.
Personally, I got most satisfaction out of writing about Raki. Both Isley & Priscilla act quite predictably, and every Claymore fan will know their histories, but in Raki's case, I felt I needed something powerful to show the change.

In the end, this story is about Raki & Clare as much as it is about Raki & Isley, or Raki & Priscilla. With Raki reappearing again in the new manga releases, I think Yagi did us a disservice by not really making it clear who/ what he is looking for. This story tries to push readers towards the idea that Raki has changed, he can't remember Clare. He just remembers an idea. And it drives him to do things out of both desperation & hopelessness.

Unfortunately, the last 2 sections were very badly pieced together. I couldn't end well, because it took so long to reach the climax. I also regret pitting Raki & Isley against each other, because Priscilla seems a bit left out. I'm happy that you think I'm trying to tie it to canon, because it's getting more and more difficult. I only know how to make things dark.

I wish there were more people commenting. But more writers other than just those here would be better. Since I'm more free, I'm trying to write a fic once every 2 weeks to keep things going.
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Old 2011-06-05, 03:01   Link #4085
Bikerider
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Meanwhile in the possible future

Warrior 23: GET MOVING SCUM !!! You got a lot of cleaning to do.
Warrior 31: You don't want me to smack you on the butt with this training sword... again... Get moving Org Assassin Scum. Back to work.
Warrior 44: Wow ! These training swords are quite handy !!
Warrior 43: Can I smack them this time ?
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Old 2011-06-05, 03:05   Link #4086
Bikerider
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meanwhile in the possible future

Yuma: This is great. We find this cache of hundreds of warrior swords. Now I can carry extras...

Cynthia: Umm.... just how many of those do you intend to take with you ?

Yuma {holding many swords in her arms}: Not all of them. I'm gonna have some of the trainees carry them.

Cynthia: You're supposed to be training them to fight. Not to carry around extra swords for you.

Yuma: umm.... Who says it's not training ? Carrying heavy weights will build up their strength.
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Old 2011-06-05, 04:21   Link #4087
Weird D
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Sorry but I'm not as good at analyzing as Shieky

In the middle of the relationship between Isley and Raki, there was one thing that struck me, mostly in the first part. Several times, the word 'friend' is used, yet at this point, there is not much friendship displayed between Raki and Isley. It's more like Raki is staying due to a strange, reluctant fascination to Isley, as well as a sense of obligation - that is, until Isley finally pushes his manipulations too far, unable to see the rift that has been growing between them.

It's probably why Raki chooses Priscilla in the end, as while he knows what she is, he has yet to be betrayed by her in any way. As time passed, Raki became aware of Isley's manipulations whereas as far as he can tell, Priscilla has no hidden agenda concerning him.

Which makes it all the more bittersweet considering that Priscilla is using him too. Honestly, wince you're so good at exploring the depths in characters' relationships, you could try a similar piece involving Priscilla leaving Raki.
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Old 2011-06-05, 20:53   Link #4088
shelter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Weird D View Post
Which makes it all the more bittersweet considering that Priscilla is using him too. Honestly, wince you're so good at exploring the depths in characters' relationships, you could try a similar piece involving Priscilla leaving Raki.
I'm not as good as analyzing as Shiek is either. Which is why I didn't think too much about it.

It's an very strong observation you have. Even though it sounds really ironic, I believe everyone is using everyone else in Claymore to some extent. It's pretty sad & hopeless.

Two things are stopping me from putting it down as a fic. One is obviously the lack of a good plot. The second is I can't really decide on Priscilla's character, whether she is really consciously manipulating or she can't really help herself. I will probably wait until Yagi touches on Priscilla again. Or until someone gives me some fresh new perspective.

Thanks for the comments, Weird D.
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Old 2011-06-07, 16:32   Link #4089
Bikerider
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meanwhile in the possible near future

Stacy breathing real hard): Whew... I made it... but did I make it in time ?

Helen: HOY !!! number 7 !! What took you so long ? We're all done here. You missed all the fun.

Stacy (looking at the badly torn up Warriors and bedraggled Ghosts): Some how I'm sort of happy I did.
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Old 2011-06-08, 00:20   Link #4090
Bikerider
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meanwhile in the possible furture

Miria: That is amazing straegy Cynthia. How ever did you think of it ?

Cynthia: Oh Miria-san, Every Warrior enjoys tea and scones. Even resurrected ones, it seems. *sips tea*
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Old 2011-06-15, 13:28   Link #4091
Weird D
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The insanity continues...

Spoiler for The Claymores, the captive and... a beast? - chapter 2:


In case you're wondering, when I wrote the first chapter, I was under the impression that Miria was dead, and I couldn't find a way to fit her in this one... So sorry, our favourite Number Six gets a break for once. See for yourselves.

Spoiler for Extra scene:
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Old 2011-06-15, 21:53   Link #4092
revan5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Weird D View Post
The insanity continues...

Spoiler for The Claymores, the captive and... a beast? - chapter 2:


In case you're wondering, when I wrote the first chapter, I was under the impression that Miria was dead, and I couldn't find a way to fit her in this one... So sorry, our favourite Number Six gets a break for once. See for yourselves.

Spoiler for Extra scene:
This ending to the extra scene reminded me of Shelter's reaction to a short story I wrote and posted on Animesuki:

"Story-wise, I think maybe the ending needs a bit of explanation. To have a glider come out of nowhere is a bit of an act of God, slightly too-convenient for a fleeing Leo & Irene. The ending also doesn't make use of Raphaela's presence in your story. As with all your previous stories on how each character has its role to play, I expected either Raphaela to pardon Irene or a bloodbath to allow Leo to justify how he can sacrifice his own seemingly insignificant life for a warrior. The glider-ending (even a happy ending) disappointed me. It's as if you're trying to combine your narrative-action style with Dany's humour."

Dun-dun-duh. I enjoyed the ending Weird D, so no worries, because evidently you have my literary support according to Shelter.
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"So Shiek, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb!"
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Old 2011-06-16, 02:56   Link #4093
Weird D
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Thanks for the support Revan

At first I was going to use people here for the extra scene - I asked Shieky his opinion for the 3 greatest Miria fans, and I would have asked for their permission to include them. But there are just so many...

And come on, I dare you to tell me people would not fight for the honor of putting lotion on Miria (or Teresa as implied)
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Old 2011-07-01, 14:41   Link #4094
Blue Pentacle
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Hello there,


It has been quite a while, and I firstly apologise for it. A mix of personal issues, then technical problems impeded me during later May and June; the latter issue still not wholly resolved, though hopefully soon in the future .


I am glad to see that the forums are as colourful as ever, and for those still thinking of my series, I will be getting back to it in July, hopefully with new exploits for the boy and the Abyssal One .


Still, in getting back to the forum, I have had a little time to think and hit upon something from the past; a little issue of discussion from back in 2009, if I recall, which has caught my attention.


Raki, as a boy, has been the subject of much speculation; especially concerning the circumstances if his partner was not Clare.


Many other candidates have been raised in the past, and explored, though one that was previously dismissed intrigued me recently; enough to raise it here for interested eyes.


I was wondering how those here would see and feel about a pairing of Raki with Galatea - as she was before escaping the organisation and seeking Rabona.


A pairing which was rarely raised and barely discussed, though I bring the idea here now .


Blue Pentacle.
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Old 2011-07-01, 16:51   Link #4095
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Mmm....I don't know; Galatea has gotten plenty of attention from the community over the years. While admittingly their are some pairings I can't help but love, like him with the ever-popular Miria, I'd rather see him with people that usually get pushed to the side -- like you did with Luciella and Yuma -- both your fics, were the first time anybody has paired him with them, that becomes center-stage, not to mention is a centric fic for those two.

I prefer that kind of continuing record-breaking to go on. If you go ahead with Galatea though, that's fine; I'll read it all the same
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Old 2011-07-05, 05:21   Link #4096
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it might be interesting,but can you try make it into more then a oneshot or a twoshot, but rather a full length fic, with a developing romance and lemons?

cant wait for next adventure of luciella and raki: teaching him about the birds and the bees
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Old 2011-07-05, 11:34   Link #4097
revan5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiek927 View Post
Mmm....I don't know; Galatea has gotten plenty of attention from the community over the years. While admittingly their are some pairings I can't help but love, like him with the ever-popular Miria, I'd rather see him with people that usually get pushed to the side -- like you did with Luciella and Yuma -- both your fics, were the first time anybody has paired him with them, that becomes center-stage, not to mention is a centric fic for those two.

I prefer that kind of continuing record-breaking to go on. If you go ahead with Galatea though, that's fine; I'll read it all the same
Quote:
Originally Posted by warlock7 View Post
it might be interesting,but can you try make it into more then a oneshot or a twoshot, but rather a full length fic, with a developing romance and lemons?

cant wait for next adventure of luciella and raki: teaching him about the birds and the bees
Been a little while since I last posted a link to my latest chapter! Shiek, I know you think I'm some sort of spoiled writer, but if you could find it in your heart to ever review my stuff on ff.net, I'd be grateful!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6610358/...r_eyed_Empress



She'll be expecting you!
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How the warriors of Claymore OUGHT to look: http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost...ostcount=12541
http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost...ostcount=12530
"So Shiek, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb!"
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Old 2011-07-27, 11:22   Link #4098
Tempest35
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*looks around* ... heh, I don't know why, but lately my mailbox has been exploding with faves for Homecoming and my other two Claymore fanfics... I guess people actually liked it - it's kinda forcing me to start writing again.

And here's a teaser for Chapter 4:

Spoiler for Just a sneak peak:
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Old 2011-07-27, 14:53   Link #4099
Shiek927
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*blink, you made two other Claymore fics? I totally forgot -- it's been too long .

Shocking to see an update really - after 3 years though, that's to be expected . Their's a drought lately since Shelter's last story basically, so if you really are making an update, it's relatively good timing .

Looking forward to it, especially the direction you take
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Old 2011-07-27, 20:52   Link #4100
Tempest35
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Well, for some reason, people want me to make another chapter for 'All Work and No Play', but Fenrir's 'Stories from the North' basically cover all the material I would have written on, plus more so I really don't see a reason/need to write any more for that particular one...

I haven't really been following the newer gen of Claymores all that much (I probably should) but I suppose I'm a Generational Purist on this matter. I'll see what else jumps into my brain.
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