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Old 2010-01-11, 01:53   Link #22101
deathcurse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alavon View Post
*Pulls a Cop!Nanoha moment and chases after DC and RB with Nanoha's pet Grenade Launcher*

Nanoha: My Baby! D:
Fate: Your what now?
Nanoha: I mean...who's Grenada Launcher is that? *whistles*

EDIT: Page claim for...Deathcurse and RadiantBeam's EPIC fic! XD
*flees and hides behind RB*

dc: It wasn't my idea!
RB: Yes it was!
dc: ....oh crap *is blown up by Alavon using Nanoha's pet Grenade Launcher*

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Old 2010-01-11, 01:57   Link #22102
ghazghkull
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
This is the second part of Case File: Runaways, brought to you by RB and myself! ^^

Explosions, angst, fuzzy moments....all normal parts of our favourite cop duo's lives!

Warning: Read at your own risk . There will be no killing of the authors once you get to the end !

Daily Activity Log of Officers F. Testarossa and N. Takamachi

Spoiler for Log #4: Runaways, part 2:


....don't kill us!
D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D:

CLIFFIE?!!!

I DEMANDS MORE!!!!

please?
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Old 2010-01-11, 02:09   Link #22103
isagrimorie
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
This is the second part of Case File: Runaways, brought to you by RB and myself! ^^

Explosions, angst, fuzzy moments....all normal parts of our favourite cop duo's lives!

Warning: Read at your own risk . There will be no killing of the authors once you get to the end !

Daily Activity Log of Officers F. Testarossa and N. Takamachi

Spoiler for Log #4: Runaways, part 2:




....don't kill us!
Ngggggggh!
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Old 2010-01-11, 07:20   Link #22104
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alavon View Post
I will forgive you for not updating Remembrance if you can do an update soon? :3 lol Just pulling your leg.

It was well written and I can definitely feel Yuuno's pain. Heck! I feel kinda angry towards Nanoha...
Remembrance is still on hiatus until more Vivid is released so I can see what's going on with Lutecia's character. Sorry x.o

I'm glad you're liking this so far. Don't be too mad at Nanoha, she's just dense when it comes to these things.
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Old 2010-01-11, 09:20   Link #22105
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
This is the second part of Case File: Runaways, brought to you by RB and myself! ^^

Explosions, angst, fuzzy moments....all normal parts of our favourite cop duo's lives!

Warning: Read at your own risk . There will be no killing of the authors once you get to the end !

Daily Activity Log of Officers F. Testarossa and N. Takamachi

Spoiler for Log #4: Runaways, part 2:


....don't kill us!
. . . . . . . . .

Now you die! *chases*
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Old 2010-01-11, 11:20   Link #22106
Kaijo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
@Kaijo: On a completely different note, with regard to Vivio and her friends, unless you want to skate away from canon, I'd suggest avoiding the "lonely kid"/"trouble making friends" trope. Everything mentioned about her seems quite the opposite: from Strikers Sound Stage 4, Track 11 (where she basically ends up chatting eagerly with the first kids she meets), to Movie Sound Stage (N Side) Tracks 8-9, to ViVid, shows her as an outgoing girl who has no trouble making friends and getting along with people wherever she goes (note that in ch. 1 of ViVid, she, Corona, and Rio are excited about all being in the same class, which negates the "Corona's the new kid" theory--they had to know each other before 4th Grade started), whether they're her own age or older than her. Actually, if you get right down to it, Quattro is the only person in the series who ever has any kind of "I don't get along with you" moment with Vivio at all.

(Honestly, it sometimes seems that Nanoha is actually learning from the abandonment issues of her own childhood and making sure that Vivio doesn't have those moments, though I'm probably giving the writers too much credit.)
Sorry it took awhile to get back to you. Home computer is still being looked at to see if it can be saved, so had to wait til I got back to work to go online.

Anyway, I understand where you're coming from, as the more I look at that section, the less I am happy with it. While I agree with you that she's chatty and friendly with people, the idea I wanted to get across is that the other kids may respond, but she hasn't yet developed a real *close* friendship with anyone like she has with Rio and Corona. But I think I failed to get that across, so I'll be looking to adjust it more.

Part of the issue is a combination of things. Vivio knows she's artificial, she's been through things no other kid her age has like the Cradle, and being involved in heavy combat. Stuff like that ages a mind, so other kids may have an issue connecting with her (kids can really segregate others based on real or imagined differences). But I don't want her to look like she's lonely; just that she doesn't have a real close friend yet. And thus, enter Corona (who I want to begin to develop as well).

One of the things that caught my eye reading Vivid, was a scene where Nove, Vivio, Rio and Corona are all going to practice Strike Arts, and Corona says she made friends with Vivio around the end of the previous term (so near the end of 3rd grade, I'm assuming). No idea when Corona became her friend, but I'm assuming Vivio entered school at about a first grade level, and is second grade in my chapter. What I am going for is not so much a "lonely kid/ trouble making friends" trope, as is "while I get along decently with the other kids, I don't really feel as if I connect well with them, and it would be nice to have a close friend my age I can connect with."

Also to note that while I'm generally only going off the TV series anime, I am trying to incorporate aspects from other things like the sound stages and Vivid. So stuff like this are fair questions.

Anyway, thanks for the input!

Edit: Rewrote the section. Hope it sounds a bit better. Let me know if there are any issues:

Spoiler for "Family" repost (Vivio section):

Last edited by Kaijo; 2010-01-11 at 12:39. Reason: Reposting Vivio section
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Old 2010-01-11, 11:52   Link #22107
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
This is the second part of Case File: Runaways, brought to you by RB and myself! ^^

Explosions, angst, fuzzy moments....all normal parts of our favourite cop duo's lives!

Warning: Read at your own risk . There will be no killing of the authors once you get to the end !

Daily Activity Log of Officers F. Testarossa and N. Takamachi

Spoiler for Log #4: Runaways, part 2:


....don't kill us!
<.<
>.>

Update plz.
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Old 2010-01-11, 13:55   Link #22108
Jimmy C
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Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
One of the things that caught my eye reading Vivid, was a scene where Nove, Vivio, Rio and Corona are all going to practice Strike Arts, and Corona says she made friends with Vivio around the end of the previous term
You got confused somewhere, Rio's the new friend Vivio found last term. We still don't know when she met up with Corona, only that it was before Rio. The way things currently seem, Corona is Vivio's oldest friend in school.
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Old 2010-01-11, 14:15   Link #22109
Kaijo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
You got confused somewhere, Rio's the new friend Vivio found last term. We still don't know when she met up with Corona, only that it was before Rio. The way things currently seem, Corona is Vivio's oldest friend in school.
Oops, yeah, that's a typo. I meant Rio. And yeah about Corona, that's partly what I want to show; their initial start at friendship, which will be developed later.
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Old 2010-01-11, 15:06   Link #22110
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
And yeah about Corona, that's partly what I want to show; their initial start at friendship, which will be developed later.
I'd be careful with how you develop that. No point with developing fanon of your own, but Vivid canon could easily shoot down whatever you come up with if Lio and Corona ever get any development.
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Old 2010-01-11, 15:36   Link #22111
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
I'd be careful with how you develop that. No point with developing fanon of your own, but Vivid canon could easily shoot down whatever you come up with if Lio and Corona ever get any development.
Well, he has a good several months before that happens (if ever )

Spoiler for The Woes of Side Characters:


No matter how awesome a side character is, they're not main characters.
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Old 2010-01-11, 15:39   Link #22112
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Well, he has a good several months before that happens (if ever )
Heck, what he writes might be considered canon if Corona and Lio never get any development. I still don't understand why they just didn't make Vivio friends with Chrono's kids, it makes more sense.
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Old 2010-01-11, 15:45   Link #22113
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Heck, what he writes might be considered canon if Corona and Lio never get any development. I still don't understand why they just didn't make Vivio friends with Chrono's kids, it makes more sense.
Because the Harlaown family lives on Earth. Plus, Vivio is 3 years older than them, so they couldn't be her classmates.
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Old 2010-01-11, 15:59   Link #22114
deathcurse
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Heck, what he writes might be considered canon if Corona and Lio never get any development. I still don't understand why they just didn't make Vivio friends with Chrono's kids, it makes more sense.
They're "cousins" after all, , it does seem odd that they don't seem to know each other. Besides, it keeps the Loads and Loads of Characters from being an utter overflow .

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Because the Harlaown family lives on Earth. Plus, Vivio is 3 years older than them, so they couldn't be her classmates.
Does Chrono's family really live on Earth? Doesn't he still work with the TSAB, so shouldn't they all live on Midchilda?

Side note, thanks for everyone's reactions to the last Daily Activity Log ^^. It's quite inspiring to know that so many people want our blood .
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Old 2010-01-11, 16:02   Link #22115
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It's quite inspiring to know that so many people want our blood .
Please let it be known that DC is not speaking for me.
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Old 2010-01-11, 16:05   Link #22116
Kaijo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
I'd be careful with how you develop that. No point with developing fanon of your own, but Vivid canon could easily shoot down whatever you come up with if Lio and Corona ever get any development.
Yeah, I realize that. But the bright spot is I only draw from Vivid for inspiration. I fully expect my fic to have veered off track since the start of Crisis, since these events never happened. :P

But I'd like to give Rio and Corona some development, and maybe with luck, I'll be right. Or someone else will pick it up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Because the Harlaown family lives on Earth. Plus, Vivio is 3 years older than them, so they couldn't be her classmates.
Do they live on Earth? I wasn't sure. I was thinking Mid-childa. Especially if the kids are mages; don't want them doing magic on Earth.

Anyway, my Vivio will be friends with them. Probably more with Liera, as Karel will be a source of annoyance, hehe. Expect to see some of their interactions in my RJD "Life" chapter, when Nanoha goes to visit Amy, and brings Vivio along to play with the twins.

Also, I think I'm gonna do a Vivio RJD chapter as well. She'll have a mini-adventure with Corona.
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Old 2010-01-11, 16:06   Link #22117
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Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Does Chrono's family really live on Earth? Doesn't he still work with the TSAB, so shouldn't they all live on Midchilda?
What with interdimensional transporting and what not, Chrono could easily commute from Earth. But yes, they do live on Earth, which is why Amy only shows up in the one StrikerS SS when they all go to Earth, and there's also this, which may be a gag comic, but it's an official gag comic.
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Old 2010-01-11, 16:12   Link #22118
deathcurse
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Please let it be known that DC is not speaking for me.
I may not be speaking for you, but people still want your blood too!

Besides, you liar, you.

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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
What with interdimensional transporting and what not, Chrono could easily commute from Earth. But yes, they do live on Earth, which is why Amy only shows up in the one StrikerS SS when they all go to Earth, and there's also this, which may be a gag comic, but it's an official gag comic.
I see . I bow to the official sources .
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Old 2010-01-11, 16:50   Link #22119
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@Daily Activity Log of Officers F. Testarossa and N. Takamachi

Okay, time to do it right and leave a good review.

First impression was already stated way back when. I enjoy how the two play off each other all the time. Its clear they're good partners, but I wish I had a little more development for that. My main thing so far is "What exactly are the two girls?" I may have missed it a section that explained it, so if I'm wrong here, feel free to ignore this next part:

Nanoha made comments about wanting sex from Fate since she's doing dirty work in the sewers. I know some people joke about it, but seriously, calling your partner and saying "you owe me sex" makes me think of them as a couple. Even if I could look past that, there's the part where Nanoha thinks "No, Fate will give me the hot wild erotic sex". So Nanoha wants to screw her? She made that quite clear, and there's no reason to joke in her own mind. But they've never slept in the same bed before until just then? Also, Fate said that Nanoha buttoned her pajama shirt to show cleavage? Nanoha clearly wants it, but I've seen no development (other than a kiss that was left open). Now I'm not saying "make it clear" or "add more NanoFate!" because I think that would take away from things, but something to kind of clarify would be nice. At least one of them thinking something like "Its kind of cold without Nanoha/Fate next to me for some reason" next time they get in bed. As before, I might have missed a part so if I did and you did something about this, please let me know?

Also, I kind of want to see something more that connects the girls to their cannon selves. Little things, like Nanoha customizing her gun (I sent a little doodle of a gun she may use." Same with Fate. Not much, but some kind of personalized thing that connects them. Nanoha nicknaming her favorite weapon "R. Heart" or Fate calling her pistol "Bardiche" or mention their sleep clothes being what they wore in Strikers. Something, anything that connects them more. Because their personalities are completely different than canon, I'd love to see something like this. Though I did like Nanoha saying she hated not being able to see the sky. More things like that would be very welcome.

Nanoha: I won't lie, she's my favorite character here. Her personality is like a child, and it makes me giggle when she does the things she does ( you owe me sex for this!!!). Now we just need her to blow something up and say "But I was really angry and wanted to make a big boom-boom and I feel so much better noooow!" XP I'm hoping that Nanoha ends up with Vivio after all of this. Or even all three of them. That would be simply amazing to have the two adults trying to take care of three/four kids.

Fate: I don't know what to make of her really. She's awesome with Nanoha, shows her love for kids just right, and generally is an all around "Good cop". As I said before, I wish she was more like her canon self at times. So far she's the character that I can honestly say "insert any character in the series here and it'll work just fine." Little more Fate- moments please (But give Nanoha more screen time :P )

Caro: She really throws me off. She acts like a rich girl run away, but at times she seems like a street kid through and through. I can't wait to see where she goes. I do like her personality, though, and she seems the most in character out of all of them (save Vivio).

Erio: He's alive, don't deny it.

Vivio: She's my second fave character, and only 'cause she doesn't have much time yet. I'm a little biased here maybe ( *looks at avatar and signature -Thanks Evil Rick!*). She's perfect for a little girl. She seems like any small child who grew up like she did. She gives a nice comic relief, and having Lutecia wrapped around her tiny little finger only makes her more lovable. I really hope Nanoha gets to hug her soon. Or at least have her eat a cook, Ra knows she needs ones.

@Lutecia:Good character, but I can't see her as anything remotely like Lutecia. A good AU will have some connections. I recalled seeing a small, very small, description of her and that was it. You're counting on us knowing what she looks like, which is fine, but you need to connect her to the story more. You said she used to torture people, and she won't hesitate to kill, right? Then why not do something like having tattoos on her forehead resembling the marks in the anime? If she got them willingly or not is up to you, but its something to connect her. Also her hairbands in the anime could have been made for her by Vivio when she got her hands on some cloth or something. It would add a little bit of "oomph" to her to make her more like her original self, but not taking away anything from the character you have her as.

@kids in general: I love them, and I can't wait to see more back story on them. They're all really close, so I hope you give some story on them soon. They're a mystery now and I'd really like to see them develop and know how they became like they are. I mean, any set of kids can be friends when living off the streets and in the sewers, but those three seem closer than that. I have no real complaints on them as a whole other than "they need back story" but that's a given because they JUST appeared.

Over all, I only saw a few mistakes. I think Nanoha called Fate "Fate" once without the "-chan". I could be mistaken, though. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes, but I didn't look for them. The detail for their surroundings seem a little lacking for me, and you use some terminology that I don't know. That's understandable, though, and the context revealed what it was. An example would be the flash-bangs (I think that's how you called them out). I knew it was a flash grenade because I play metal gear, but for a moment, I had a "WTF?" reaction. I don't think its a problem, as long as you don't go overboard on it.

My only advice/request on the general writing would be to add some more detail to what's going on. At times it was perfect ( Nanoha walking in the sewers was done perfectly), but other times it seemed lacking (Nanoha's apartment for one. I have no idea what her bed looks like, what's on her walls, how she keeps the place, how it smells, ect. It can really develop a character there!).

Also, I'd like it if you linked all your previous posts when you update, like I do when I write multiple part fics. It'd really make it easier to keep up with it, and for the new people reading, it would allow them to pick up the series.

Well, as always, this was just my two cents worth. Feel free to ignore all of it if you want to. This is my official review on Daily Activity Log of Officers F. Testarossa and N. Takamachi, and I give its current progress 3.5 of five stars.

~Satashi
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Old 2010-01-11, 16:52   Link #22120
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...

Er... thanks for the review?
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