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Old 2010-04-23, 12:53   Link #24501
00-Raiser
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Spoiler for 16 year old Vivio on the town!:
Spoiler for part 2:
Yay! You're continuing it :3 This new part was hilarious! The rest of the day will be awkward for sure XD Keep up the awesome work
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Old 2010-04-23, 15:55   Link #24502
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Spoiler for 16 year old Vivio on the town!:
Spoiler for part 2:
Spoiler for Part 3:


fin.

Actually it's not, there is going to be a lemon
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Old 2010-04-23, 16:26   Link #24503
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
fin.
Hm, feels kinda incomple...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Actually it's not, there is going to be a lemon
Oh my Be sure to hook me up with that when you're done

Good stuff, though I find it kind of off that he'd pat her butt like that at the end there =/ I'd suggest just removing that bit.

In other news, I got the most amusing review on ShortS today. They asked me if I knew what yaoi was, saying it was "like yuri, just with guys." I remember the days when everything was yaoi and yuri was the obscure one. Oh how times have changed.

... And now I feel old
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Old 2010-04-23, 17:25   Link #24504
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Ix short part 2/3

Spoiler for Upon the Darkest Statue, Light Still Lingers:


Spoiler for Author's Note:
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Old 2010-04-23, 21:31   Link #24505
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Spoiler for 16 year old Vivio on the town!:


fin.

Actually it's not, there is going to be a lemon
Not a ship I usually sail aboard, but I liked this one. Sweet, light, and funny. Yuuno gets my applause here, he came through in a sticky situation twice over. I like that aspect of his character that is often forgotten.

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Originally Posted by AtomicoX View Post
Ix short part 2/3
Whereupon we get to the more serious segment of our program. It's kind of hard to imagine Ix being love struck for the Kaiser here, what with the 'angel of death' theme she has running at the time, but that isn't at all a bad thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Spoiler for :
I'd say your final suffered for a good cause, but that's me. It goes without saying I'm eager to see Hayate's master plan, though I can't help but feel sorry for her at the same time. I'm still getting a strong 'I'm about to throw a little girl to the wolves in order to save many more' vibe here.
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Old 2010-04-23, 23:41   Link #24506
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
I remember the days when everything was yaoi and yuri was the obscure one. Oh how times have changed.
Times haven't changed that much. Yaoi is still immensely more popular than yuri, you're just in the wrong fandom to hear much about it.
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Old 2010-04-24, 00:57   Link #24507
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr_Tom View Post
Times haven't changed that much. Yaoi is still immensely more popular than yuri, you're just in the wrong fandom to hear much about it.
Honestly, I'm still surprised that nobody has done a serious attempt at a gender-flipped take on the Nanoha universe. Heck, that would have just as many yaoi vibes in it, compared to the yuri vibes in the series.
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Old 2010-04-24, 17:40   Link #24508
deathcurse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tabasco View Post
I'd say your final suffered for a good cause, but that's me. It goes without saying I'm eager to see Hayate's master plan, though I can't help but feel sorry for her at the same time. I'm still getting a strong 'I'm about to throw a little girl to the wolves in order to save many more' vibe here.
I hope I don't disappoint! Even though Raven Gallant is getting the short end of the stick here, poor Hayate will probably end up the loser overall...It's getting close to the end, and Hayate's master plan will be completely unveiled then, although you can probably pick up hints of it starting from here .

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
I'm still waiting for that epilouge, ya know! Am I gonna have to light a fire under your ass sometime soon?
No fire needed! I'm screwed for another final, but here's Long Time No See, the epilogue to my Subaru x Teana x Vice love triangle stories! (I think I need a series name for this! )

When One Door Closes
As All Good Things Must
Fortune Knocks But Once

Just to be clear...I consider the series finished with "Fortune Knocks But Once", so if you don't like the epilogue, feel free to ignore it. (See Author's Note for more on this.)

Spoiler for Epilogue: Long Time No See:

Spoiler for Author's Note-SPOILER WARNING:

Last edited by deathcurse; 2010-04-24 at 17:55.
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Old 2010-04-24, 18:35   Link #24509
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Epilogue: Long Time No See
Hm, how should I say this... Well, it's well written and it works to resolve things. It's just that, unsurprisingly, I don't particularly like how things resolved This is obviously just a personal preference thing, though. I'm sure others will be happy with how it turned out since, despite your claims, it still leans heavily in the one direction.

But again, it's good, just not my prefered resolution (which I wrote myself anyways )

Anywho, a few things. It's ten years in the future right, so should the other Numbers still be acting so childish? I mean, the surprise welcome was fine, but the goofing off while waiting, not so much. At the very least Genya should tell his kids to knock it off because I'm sure they were disturbing others (security might even show up and tell them to knock it off).

Fate doesn't use "-kun" when addressing Yuuno. This is just a personal nitpick of mine

It felt a little off with Teana telling Subaru about Alto. I'm not sure if you know this, but next to Teana, Alto is Subaru's best friend, so she should know more about her than Teana does.

Spoiler for spoiler:


But all in all, good job deathcurse
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Old 2010-04-24, 19:13   Link #24510
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Hm, how should I say this... Well, it's well written and it works to resolve things. It's just that, unsurprisingly, I don't particularly like how things resolved This is obviously just a personal preference thing, though. I'm sure others will be happy with how it turned out since, despite your claims, it still leans heavily in the one direction.

But again, it's good, just not my prefered resolution (which I wrote myself anyways )

Anywho, a few things. It's ten years in the future right, so should the other Numbers still be acting so childish? I mean, the surprise welcome was fine, but the goofing off while waiting, not so much. At the very least Genya should tell his kids to knock it off because I'm sure they were disturbing others (security might even show up and tell them to knock it off).

Fate doesn't use "-kun" when addressing Yuuno. This is just a personal nitpick of mine

It felt a little off with Teana telling Subaru about Alto. I'm not sure if you know this, but next to Teana, Alto is Subaru's best friend, so she should know more about her than Teana does.

Spoiler for spoiler:


But all in all, good job deathcurse
No, very fair . I know which line you probably thought about that seems to hint at one type of resolution, and I heavily debated whether or not I should keep that line in there at all. I ended up deciding to use it because it seemed so in character for Subaru to say it as a joke . I tried to frame Subaru's line with enough neutral comments to prevent it from appearing like a proposition--it was seriously just supposed to be a joke, nothing more .

One of the troubles I had with the idea of an epilogue is:
Spoiler for spoiler:


I was using the Numbers as a contrast to Subaru's more grown up behaviour. I admit, I don't know much about the Numbers , but I'm assuming that in a sense, they're younger in maturity and life-experience than Subaru and Ginga. I may be twisting canon a bit, but I like the thought of all the cyborgs being slightly more "machine" than "human", and so they wouldn't mature at the same rate as humans do .

Ah crap, this is what I get for not reading the Sound Stages .....Alto is Subaru's good friend? I'll have to look back on it....at the same time, it might be awkward for Alto to tell Subaru that she's moving in on the man who took Subaru's first love away, so I'll go with that for now .

Spoiler:


Or in the end, maybe I just don't like giving out happy endings to my characters . This whole series was supposed to be focusing more on the all the other relationships being damaged, the friendships and integrity and honesty between the three of them, with the romance being the problem at root and not the point of the stories .
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Old 2010-04-24, 19:41   Link #24511
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
I've just screwed myself over for my final exam tomorrow by writing this instead of studying....but update!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 and Part 6 of Crime Never Sleeps...

Crime Never Sleeps
Part 7

Spoiler for Crime Never Sleeps, part 7:

Spoiler for Author's Note:
I decided to catch completely up on the story, so I'll break this down section by section:

Spoiler for Chapter 5 comments:


Spoiler for Chapter 6 comments:


Spoiler for Chapter 7 comments:
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Old 2010-04-24, 19:57   Link #24512
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
No, very fair . I know which line you probably thought about that seems to hint at one type of resolution, and I heavily debated whether or not I should keep that line in there at all. I ended up deciding to use it because it seemed so in character for Subaru to say it as a joke . I tried to frame Subaru's line with enough neutral comments to prevent it from appearing like a proposition--it was seriously just supposed to be a joke, nothing more .
Well, it wasn't so much that line as it was just them deciding to be friends again. Friendship can easily evolve into more than that, and since the other option has been loaded into a rocket and fired into the sun, well...

Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
One of the troubles I had with the idea of an epilogue is:
Spoiler for spoiler:
Spoiler for spoiler:


Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Or in the end, maybe I just don't like giving out happy endings to my characters . This whole series was supposed to be focusing more on the all the other relationships being damaged, the friendships and integrity and honesty between the three of them, with the romance being the problem at root and not the point of the stories .
Well, my personal view on angst is that unless you're going for an outright tragedy, it should end on a hopeful note. This epilouge did just that so it gets my approval as a resolution.
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Old 2010-04-24, 22:19   Link #24513
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
I hope I don't disappoint! Even though Raven Gallant is getting the short end of the stick here, poor Hayate will probably end up the loser overall...It's getting close to the end, and Hayate's master plan will be completely unveiled then, although you can probably pick up hints of it starting from here .



No fire needed! I'm screwed for another final, but here's Long Time No See, the epilogue to my Subaru x Teana x Vice love triangle stories! (I think I need a series name for this! )

When One Door Closes
As All Good Things Must
Fortune Knocks But Once

Just to be clear...I consider the series finished with "Fortune Knocks But Once", so if you don't like the epilogue, feel free to ignore it. (See Author's Note for more on this.)

Spoiler for Epilogue: Long Time No See:

Spoiler for Author's Note-SPOILER WARNING:
This probably isn't the best piece to read considering the hell I've been through with the past two to three days, but eh, you asked.

In any case, I liked it a lot. You don't go into much detail with why Vice and Teana ultimately separated and divorced, which works very well for the piece. The story is less about the divorce and more about Teana, about how she works out her past and her decisions and how she picks herself up and starts over again. Vice gets his bit and ultimately his happy ending, and he isn't the real focus of the story anyway.

The awkward small talk between Subaru and Teana was both sweet and sad; you could see hints of when they connected, but the way they were trying to feel each other out again was almost painful. Had a nice little chuckle when Teana debated the morals of hunting down Dawn, because she would totally do that if somebody broke Subaru's heart.

So the ending isn't really "happy" persay, but it works for what it sets out to do. Teana comes to terms with herself, and while it's not a romantic ending, there's still the subtext at least for the reader to guess that at the very least, she and Subaru did manage to become friends again as adults. Whether or not anything more came from that is all up to interpretation.

Awesome work. ^^ A fitting end to the series.
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Old 2010-04-24, 22:27   Link #24514
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
I hope I don't disappoint! Even though Raven Gallant is getting the short end of the stick here, poor Hayate will probably end up the loser overall...It's getting close to the end, and Hayate's master plan will be completely unveiled then, although you can probably pick up hints of it starting from here .



No fire needed! I'm screwed for another final, but here's Long Time No See, the epilogue to my Subaru x Teana x Vice love triangle stories! (I think I need a series name for this! )

When One Door Closes
As All Good Things Must
Fortune Knocks But Once

Just to be clear...I consider the series finished with "Fortune Knocks But Once", so if you don't like the epilogue, feel free to ignore it. (See Author's Note for more on this.)

Spoiler for Epilogue: Long Time No See:

Spoiler for Author's Note-SPOILER WARNING:
Well I think that was a good end.

Spoiler for Spoilers:



So nice job
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Old 2010-04-25, 13:24   Link #24515
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Oh, hell. I go away for a couple of days and what do I have when I get back. Time for some backlogging.

Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
I've just screwed myself over for my final exam tomorrow by writing this instead of studying....but update!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 and Part 6 of Crime Never Sleeps...

Crime Never Sleeps
Part 7

Spoiler for Crime Never Sleeps, part 7:

Spoiler for Author's Note:
Hayate's definitelly in for something here. At this point I can't say that she's going to get out of this unscatted even if she comes out on top of things at the end. About the comment on mayor's surname, you could just brush aside, since in the Sound Stage is stated as it being a fairly common name.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Spoiler for 16 year old Vivio on the town!:

Spoiler for part 2:

Spoiler for Part 3:


fin.

Actually it's not, there is going to be a lemon
Nice story, but incomplete at the end, but since there's a follow up, I'm in for it. Anytime.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Good stuff, though I find it kind of off that he'd pat her butt like that at the end there =/ I'd suggest just removing that bit.
I agree with you here. The 'pat on the butt' thing make it Yuuno give an 'old pervert teacher' vibe, IYKWIM.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
In other news, I got the most amusing review on ShortS today. They asked me if I knew what yaoi was, saying it was "like yuri, just with guys." I remember the days when everything was yaoi and yuri was the obscure one. Oh how times have changed.

... And now I feel old
Ditto. I feel like yesterday when I saw the doujins with Saint Seiya's Shun and Ikki.

Old indeed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
I hope I don't disappoint! Even though Raven Gallant is getting the short end of the stick here, poor Hayate will probably end up the loser overall...It's getting close to the end, and Hayate's master plan will be completely unveiled then, although you can probably pick up hints of it starting from here .

No fire needed! I'm screwed for another final, but here's Long Time No See, the epilogue to my Subaru x Teana x Vice love triangle stories! (I think I need a series name for this! )

When One Door Closes
As All Good Things Must
Fortune Knocks But Once

Just to be clear...I consider the series finished with "Fortune Knocks But Once", so if you don't like the epilogue, feel free to ignore it. (See Author's Note for more on this.)

Spoiler for Epilogue: Long Time No See:

Spoiler for Author's Note-SPOILER WARNING:
Spoiler for Comments:


But aside from that nitpic, it was a great read, and it came out nicely. Props to you and a cookie.
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Old 2010-04-25, 14:04   Link #24516
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
No fire needed! I'm screwed for another final, but here's Long Time No See, the epilogue to my Subaru x Teana x Vice love triangle stories! (I think I need a series name for this! )

When One Door Closes
As All Good Things Must
Fortune Knocks But Once

Just to be clear...I consider the series finished with "Fortune Knocks But Once", so if you don't like the epilogue, feel free to ignore it. (See Author's Note for more on this.)

Spoiler for Epilogue: Long Time No See:

Spoiler for Author's Note-SPOILER WARNING:
Quote:
Originally Posted by sniperk View Post


Spoiler for Comments:


But aside from that nitpic, it was a great read, and it came out nicely. Props to you and a cookie.
Spoiler for Long Time No See comments:
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Old 2010-04-25, 17:27   Link #24517
deathcurse
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Thanks everyone, for your comments!

I admit to being more of a Subaru x Teana fangirl than Vice x Teana, but for this series I really don't want Teana to end up with anybody .....message being, as a result of her being unable to distinctly choose for herself who she wanted to be with, she ended up with neither of them, even if it was a three-way mutual agreement type of split.

It seems like there's a feeling of Teana x Subaru at the end? I'm debating between doing two things to clear that up:

Spoiler for Potential edits:


Opinions? I'm glad to get comments on it, since I agonized over the last section because it didn't quite feel right .
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Old 2010-04-25, 17:35   Link #24518
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Thanks everyone, for your comments!

I admit to being more of a Subaru x Teana fangirl than Vice x Teana, but for this series I really don't want Teana to end up with anybody .....message being, as a result of her being unable to distinctly choose for herself who she wanted to be with, she ended up with neither of them, even if it was a three-way mutual agreement type of split.

It seems like there's a feeling of Teana x Subaru at the end? I'm debating between doing two things to clear that up:

Spoiler for Potential edits:


Opinions? I'm glad to get comments on it, since I agonized over the last section because it didn't quite feel right .
To be fair, it wasn't the exactly that line that gave away. It was more the whole fic, in my view. Kind of halfway through it, the vibes stuck, and that line just sealed the deal, kind of thing.
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Old 2010-04-25, 18:28   Link #24519
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Thanks everyone, for your comments!

I admit to being more of a Subaru x Teana fangirl than Vice x Teana, but for this series I really don't want Teana to end up with anybody .....message being, as a result of her being unable to distinctly choose for herself who she wanted to be with, she ended up with neither of them, even if it was a three-way mutual agreement type of split.

It seems like there's a feeling of Teana x Subaru at the end? I'm debating between doing two things to clear that up:

Spoiler for Potential edits:


Opinions? I'm glad to get comments on it, since I agonized over the last section because it didn't quite feel right .
I think the ending is fine way it is, really. If you say they won't become more than just friends, then I'll believe you. It's just when read without that knowledge, it's easy for some one (especially SubaTea fans) to jump to a certain conclusion.

Don't change Subaru's line, though, cuz that is extremely in character.
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Old 2010-04-25, 18:37   Link #24520
sniperk
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
I think the ending is fine way it is, really. If you say they won't become more than just friends, then I'll believe you. It's just when read without that knowledge, it's easy for some one (especially SubaTea fans) to jump to a certain conclusion.

Don't change Subaru's line, though, cuz that is extremely in character.
I agree with you except for one point. I'm not a SubaTea fan (my ship with Teana is EXTREMELY odd, so I'll not even point it out), and since the beginning of the fic I got that vibe. Though, as Dezo pointed out, it could be bias speaking about relantionship vs. romantic relantionship.
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