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Old 2010-06-03, 22:51   Link #25201
Rising Dragon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Heh, true, though it wouldn't go in the description since the fic is solely about Lutecia and Vivio.

I'm not talking about 'fixing' it in terms of shipping. Apparently the Fate/Yuuno part is cringe worthy because it seems like I just tossed it in there cuz I could. I did make it plot relevant, though it doesn't change the fact that there's no basis for it, even if it had years to happen off screen.

So I guess I need something more... 'plausable', and NanoFate has a lot of build up and development in the canon works... Or so I'm told

Would a Yuunoha wedding work too? But if I did that then I couldn't do that pun with Fate's name at the end

Page claim for thinking back on old fics that aren't currently relevant anymore
So whatever happened to the advice you were given to allow yourself indulgences? Because technically, any fanfiction is an indulgence of sorts--you were told as much. You freely admitted that having the Yuuno/Fate ending for it to be an indulgence and no one here had a problem with it...

Besides, regardless of the reasoning as to why you added it, your readers need to remember that the wedding, while part of the plot, was not the main point of the fic.
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Old 2010-06-03, 22:59   Link #25202
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
You must tell me where I can acquire Vampire!Fate: The Game. It does not exist, which will make things harder, I'm sure, but perhaps we could arrange the kidnappings of some Visual Novel developers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
And a musical composer, and a story developer, not to mention someone to handle the finances and marketing strategy-- *shot*
Actually it's really easy. I could use some game remixes for the music, get some art for the characters, and I could script it out really fast. I checked on how to make them tonight just because I was curious and it turns out it's nothing but scripting D: After scripting thousands of lines for Skeith in the chatroom, a VN is child's play.

I may turn a CYOA into a VN What do you guys think?
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Old 2010-06-03, 23:03   Link #25203
00-Raiser
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rising Dragon View Post
So whatever happened to the advice you were given to allow yourself indulgences? Because technically, any fanfiction is an indulgence of sorts--you were told as much. You freely admitted that having the Yuuno/Fate ending for it to be an indulgence and no one here had a problem with it...

Besides, regardless of the reasoning as to why you added it, your readers need to remember that the wedding, while part of the plot, was not the main point of the fic.
Well, the reason I bring it up now is because RB finally told me her thoughts on the chapter, and she said that the Fate/Yuuno part made her cringe. Now I know she's not the kind of shipper that's harsh on stuff like that, so I take her comments as pointing out a serious error. There's a difference between being self indulgent and not caring if others don't like it, and being self indulgent and doing something that objectively harms the rest of the fic.

I have no intention of actually changing the fic since it's been up for so long. I simply want to know the best solution to the error for future reference.
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Old 2010-06-04, 00:59   Link #25204
Nya~n
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Actually it's really easy. I could use some game remixes for the music, get some art for the characters, and I could script it out really fast. I checked on how to make them tonight just because I was curious and it turns out it's nothing but scripting D: After scripting thousands of lines for Skeith in the chatroom, a VN is child's play.

I may turn a CYOA into a VN What do you guys think?
where's that yuuno VN that'sbeen in the cracking works?
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Old 2010-06-04, 08:51   Link #25205
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Well, the reason I bring it up now is because RB finally told me her thoughts on the chapter, and she said that the Fate/Yuuno part made her cringe. Now I know she's not the kind of shipper that's harsh on stuff like that, so I take her comments as pointing out a serious error. There's a difference between being self indulgent and not caring if others don't like it, and being self indulgent and doing something that objectively harms the rest of the fic.

I have no intention of actually changing the fic since it's been up for so long. I simply want to know the best solution to the error for future reference.
Just because I pointed out that the Fate/Yuuno was cringeworthy to me (and I get that it was plot relevant and that there was really no way you could build it up off-screen since the focus of the story was Vivio and Lutecia, so really, there's nothing you could have done for it) doesn't mean you made a serious error. You were indulging in your own fic and put in a pairing that you liked, and it was relevant to Vivio and Lutecia getting together.

Really, the only way I think you could have remedied the knee jerk reaction is by building it up, so that when it happens, it's less of a surprise. But again, considering the focus of the story, you didn't really have a lot of freedom to develop the Yuuno/Fate from beyond what you hinted at.

So I don't think it was an error, you just didn't have the freedom to develop it the way you may have wanted.
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Old 2010-06-04, 18:01   Link #25206
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Oh, ok, so it really is one of those "It can't be helped" kinda things. Thanks for clearing it up.
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Old 2010-06-04, 18:25   Link #25207
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Yeah, it couldn't be helped. The only way you really could have gone back and "fixed" it was by dropping more obvious hints and giving the Yuuno/Fate relationship more development, but then you would have wandered away from Vivio and Lutecia.

Of course, in the end you'll just have people who dislike it alone for the ship, which sadly can't be helped.
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Old 2010-06-04, 18:57   Link #25208
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Of course, in the end you'll just have people who dislike it alone for the ship, which sadly can't be helped.
Naturally, but I don't care about them in this case. I wrote Holding Hands solely for you, so if you had any sort of problem with it then I'd need to rethink things. Well, since you didn't mention anything when I originally posted it, I guess it really isn't that big a deal
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Old 2010-06-04, 21:41   Link #25209
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
So, random Erio/Lutecia friendship short set in Shadowverse, because I've had in stuck in my head for the past two days. I got the name from a Michelle Branch song.

Spoiler for Tuesday Morning:


Spoiler for Author's Notes:


...

Dammit, now that song is stuck in my head! GAH!
Cute fic! Erio can't really be OOC since, quite frankly, he hasn't gotten enough screen time to show what the heck he'd be like IC other than "earnestly protecting Caro and his other friends" and "be all blushy and embarrassed about women." Having him wait so long for Caro to be able to haul him into the sack fits that second one. Plus he's eight years older than in StrikerS, so he'd presumably have changed and/or matured some.

A couple of things I find funny and/or ironic: Erio and Caro waited until they were eighteen when they didn't have to (since they're the same age), which is funny since, of course, Lutecia is stuck doing the Jail Bait Wait for Vivio. Which, of course, gives Lutecia monstrous amounts of ammo for any time either of them give her grief about how she's stuck as a virgin: "At least I have a reason to wait." Especially to Caro. ("My significant other would have gladly slept with me when she was fifteen. What took you the extra three years?") And, of course, the virgin is the one lecturing Erio about using protection.

The ending scene (with Lutecia in bed) was a bit confusing, though--I ruled out the "All Just a Dream" possibility, so were you playing it for contrast (Lutecia alone, while Erio and Caro were with their loved ones)? Or something else?
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Old 2010-06-04, 21:51   Link #25210
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
The ending scene (with Lutecia in bed) was a bit confusing, though--I ruled out the "All Just a Dream" possibility, so were you playing it for contrast (Lutecia alone, while Erio and Caro were with their loved ones)? Or something else?
No major significance. Just that Lutecia was up at two in the morning and was up for a good while while talking to Erio, so she came back home and went straight to sleep, and was still asleep when Megane came to check on her. It was a cute scene in my head I wanted to do, since I had a "morning after" scene with Erio and Caro, to also show what Lutecia did after she had the talk with Erio.
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Old 2010-06-04, 22:52   Link #25211
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I'm going to come right out and say that I wrote almost all of this in a single sitting. And I haven't gotten enough sleep over the last few days. Make of this what you will.


Spoiler for Center Ring, Chapter 5:



Spoiler for Author's Note:
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Old 2010-06-04, 23:58   Link #25212
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Due dies again...

...Dear GODS! What the HELL is in that flower?!

Shari off her meds is a scary thing indeed.
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Old 2010-06-05, 09:46   Link #25213
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
I'm going to come right out and say that I wrote almost all of this in a single sitting. And I haven't gotten enough sleep over the last few days. Make of this what you will.


Spoiler for Center Ring, Chapter 5:



Spoiler for Author's Note:
....

Holy crap, Shari off her meds is scary.
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Old 2010-06-05, 10:36   Link #25214
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Shari off her meds is the best thing since sliced bread.
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Last edited by Jokulhaup; 2010-06-05 at 17:03. Reason: Spelling
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Old 2010-06-05, 11:37   Link #25215
Satashi
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Lyrical Days you say?

Make it into a GAME?



Well since you twisted me arm........

Download Lyrical Days game here!


Currently only have "Roof" and "cafeteria" options available..... Depending on what people think, I may do more :3

Art ripped from Danbooru until I can get art done for me specifically. I photo shopped them to my needs.
Backgrounds ripped from other dating sims ^^;
Plot made by and scripted by me.
Music ripped from.....well, you get bonus points if you know >:3

Neat tricks:
Hold down CTRL to skip past text you've already seen. It won't go past new stuff and will stop at choices.
Scroll mouse to go back through text.
Right click for options such as music volume, save game, load game, ect.

.....So what do you guys think? @_@

[EDIT]
Mediafire link: http://www.mediafire.com/?zjznjznemjw

Last edited by Satashi; 2010-06-05 at 12:24.
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Old 2010-06-05, 11:51   Link #25216
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What I think? I think you need a mediafire link for that too, since megaupload's racist towards Asia ISPs.
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Old 2010-06-05, 12:24   Link #25217
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nya~n View Post
What I think? I think you need a mediafire link for that too, since megaupload's racist towards Asia ISPs.
http://www.mediafire.com/?zjznjznemjw

there you go. Updated post too ^^
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Old 2010-06-05, 13:18   Link #25218
Nya~n
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first off, FINALLY, A GLIMPSE OF THE ELUSIVE LYRICAL DAYS!

now, here's my opinion.

you might want to break up some of the sentences a little. most VNs tend to keep their explanatory texts as short as possible at one go, choosing to break them up into a few more clicks of the A button instead of 3 lines at one shot.

also, i dunno if Fate having 2 buttons undone at the start of the game is kinda... surprising. sure, it's hot and the wind's cooling, but it just looks like a rape doujin waiting to happen. you might want to try and see if there's a more conservative image and leave the buttons undone image for a later, risque-ier scene or flag status.

now, for the errors.
Quote:
"Notcing nanoha in the hallway"
i wouldn't say that Yuuno "scratched the back of [his] head shyly". it'd be more like "embarrassed" in that situation. taking out "shyly" and replacing it with ", embarrassed" would probably sound better.

Quote:
I was starving, I really was, but Fate's cooking was... how you say... deadly
imo "how would you say" might sound a little better, but maybe that's just me. as much as we're used to contractions(or even sheer exclusion) in our daily dialogue is second nature, this is still a written work, internal dialogue or not.

Quote:
You're lieing
Quote:
So if I made lunch tomorrow, would you will you eat it all?
changed phrasing mid-sentence, didn't you?


If you can get the art done specifically or are more willing to put in more time in photoshopping, then I'd suggest giving them more facial expressions. Getting kissed by a dead fish might just feel more expressive than this is.

You might also want to work on how you started off the story. While something like that works well in anime and probably in novelisations, VNs don't read that well if you start off that out of nowhere. Most of them get into the groove of the introduction slowly before they start introducing characters. Throwing in a daydreaming moment getting interrupted feels somewhat... abrupt

Personally, I'm not sure what to grade the scenarios thus far in delivery. Between this and Renai Blogger(another amateur VN made using the Ren'Py engine. then again, isn't every amateur VN made using Ren'Py?), if I compare the scenes you have and and the corresponding portions in Blogger based on just delivery, script and direction, I'd gladly pick Blogger.
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Old 2010-06-05, 13:32   Link #25219
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The music's from Secret of Mana, of course.

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And a musical composer...
If I walk away slowly enough, will they notice?
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Old 2010-06-05, 15:26   Link #25220
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Future Tense
Chapter 2: The Road to Hell

The first chapter can be found here.

Spoiler for Future Tense, Chapter 2: The Road to Hell:
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