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Old 2010-06-15, 19:03   Link #25461
MeisterBabylon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Oh, and for a quick reference, I've been trying to compile a timeline of Shadowverse stories, to get them more or less in order:
Spoiler for Shadowverse timeline (unofficial):
Nice work! Looks like I can now start reading things in order. Thanks!
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Old 2010-06-15, 19:19   Link #25462
spawnofthejudge
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I like that it's hard to date Deep Shadow. I like certain things being ambiguous.
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Old 2010-06-15, 20:17   Link #25463
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
Spoiler for The Call (Part II):


Spoiler for author's notes:
Dezo pretty much pointed out the issues, so for me, I'm just going to say I liked it a lot. It was nice to see Celica's background, and how she was before she joined the NSIS and became the cynical, slightly bitter woman we see now; I have a sneaking idea that Fiore's death also played a role in that.....

On Fiore herself, I liked her a lot; I knew she was either going to get killed or be revealed as a traitor since she isn't around in false light, but I have to say it was very painful to actually see her die. The real twist of the knife was her admitting to Celica she loved her before she died.... always a heartbreaker for me.

... Also, I lied a bit.

Spoiler for tiny little detail:
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Old 2010-06-15, 20:22   Link #25464
00-Raiser
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Now I bring you the sad story of a foolish man...

Warning, gets rather gorey at the end

Spoiler for Honey Trap:
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Old 2010-06-15, 20:26   Link #25465
Nanya01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Now I bring you the sad story of a foolish man...

Warning, gets rather gorey at the end

Spoiler for Honey Trap:
Ouch. So that's what happened to that guy, huh?

...

Good job.
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Old 2010-06-15, 20:38   Link #25466
DezoPenguin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Now I bring you the sad story of a foolish man...

Warning, gets rather gorey at the end

Spoiler for Honey Trap:
Ah! Cool, a Due fic! And with a hint of backstory, too.
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Old 2010-06-15, 22:26   Link #25467
synaesthetic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Very fun fic! It's really only got one serious flaw, which is that being set in MC0081, it's set in Lutecia's pre-Miranda's-death days, which means that her "cool and competent professional" demeanor is a bit off, and the "unofficially the director's right hand" status is definitely off. (Her regret over Fiore's death is also very much in-character for post-Miranda Lutecia, when she started to become somewhat obsessive about carrying out her missions with the absolute minimum of collateral damage).
I was afraid you'd say that. RB pretty much told me the same thing over AIM when she first read it. The problem is I was unsure as to when exactly Miranda died.

Furthermore I didn't want to write Miranda alive because I have no idea how to write her. I'm already wrestling with this very same problem for false light Chapter 6; Victor is not well fleshed out, but I'm a little better on that one because RB gave me the green-light to make shit up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
I'd suggest a date of MC0083, which would put things in nicely for Lutecia's characterization (including seeing Celica and Fiore, perhaps, make Lutecia more likely to act in "Never Confessed") and make Tizona seem a little more "cutting edge" (I'm assuming that he actually gets regular upgrades as Magitech Marches On, unless MGLN exists within the zone of standard sci-fi technology stasis), except that would immediately screw up Celica's history (okay, personally I'd find 20 and 15 a little less......than 18 and 13 for Celica and Fiore's ages, but that's got nothing to do with the background) and the extent of her NSIS service.
I'm not sure how many chapters of false light I'd have to edit to change Celica's length of time in NSIS from seven to five years... but it shouldn't be terribly difficult.

Seems like the easiest fix.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Let's see...the following paragraph uses "blaster barrel" twice in the same sentence, so some rewriting of that sentence would be good.
Oops. I'll fix that also. I wrote this damn thing so fast I'm sure there's more errors I made and missed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Spoiler for Spoilers referenced in complimentary review comments:
Thank you for your kind words. The N23 issue will be investigated in further detail through a one-shot featuring Abraham Stele as the main character and protagonist. I actually intend to write a few fics with him as the main character, because he's just too badass for me to not develop further.

And yeah, Fate woulda pasted him pretty quick.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Hm...oh, and heteronormative assumptions are heteronormative; I never realized Celica was bi. Now I feel embarrassed.
Celica was originally afflicted with the common disease of Midchildan females (lesbianism!) until RadiantBeam decided to throw Victor at her. We had some discussions, she wrote some shorts, and I decided to just run with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Oh, and for a quick reference, I've been trying to compil a timeline of Shadowverse stories, to get them more or less in order.
false light is actually 0088, not 0087.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Dezo pretty much pointed out the issues, so for me, I'm just going to say I liked it a lot. It was nice to see Celica's background, and how she was before she joined the NSIS and became the cynical, slightly bitter woman we see now; I have a sneaking idea that Fiore's death also played a role in that.....

On Fiore herself, I liked her a lot; I knew she was either going to get killed or be revealed as a traitor since she isn't around in false light, but I have to say it was very painful to actually see her die. The real twist of the knife was her admitting to Celica she loved her before she died.... always a heartbreaker for me.

... Also, I lied a bit.

Spoiler for tiny little detail:
Glad you liked it.

Since you and Dezo have both been saying it, I'm going to go through false light and The Call, adjusting the dates so that the Shiva incident happened in 0083 and Celica was recruited then, giving her only five years in NSIS, rather than seven.

It would actually make a little more sense this way--without Miranda in the picture, but her death being recent enough to still leave an open wound--Lutecia would likely be more friendly with Celica, better explaining their Back-to-Back Badasses tendencies in false light.

As Mr. Nitpicky said it would also make the implied Celica/Fiore romance less squicky. (I actually didn't even plan on shipping them like that, it just sort of happened on its own! I'm not kidding!)
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Old 2010-06-15, 22:33   Link #25468
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Honey Trap
I think Due making the "steal it to sell it" suggestion is a little too blatantly direct for a good infiltrator like her. Saying things like that tend to ring alarm bells with the marks. Even if the poor priest was gulible enough to fall for it, she'd avoid doing so out of experience.
At the least, she'd string him along with talk of life beyond the Church until he came up with the idea of stealing the Shroud by himself.
Another approach would be to convince him he was "borrowing" it for a "higher purpose," but that doesn't fit his melanchonic expression on taking the Shroud in the flashback.
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Old 2010-06-15, 23:16   Link #25469
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
I think Due making the "steal it to sell it" suggestion is a little too blatantly direct for a good infiltrator like her. Saying things like that tend to ring alarm bells with the marks. Even if the poor priest was gulible enough to fall for it, she'd avoid doing so out of experience.
At the least, she'd string him along with talk of life beyond the Church until he came up with the idea of stealing the Shroud by himself.
Another approach would be to convince him he was "borrowing" it for a "higher purpose," but that doesn't fit his melanchonic expression on taking the Shroud in the flashback.
Hmm... Okay, how does this look?

Spoiler for edited part:
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Old 2010-06-16, 00:38   Link #25470
Jimmy C
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Okay, how does this look?
You got the right idea, lets go over the specifics.

Quote:
However, one day she appeared to be out of sorts. When I questioned her, she admitted that she was growing tired of the constrained life of the cloth and wished to end her service.
It wouldn't be so abrupt. She'd appear to gradually be less eager to stay with the church, until one day, the priest would be inclined to ask why does she stay on despite her lack of enthusiasm? You can guess the answer, right?

Quote:
so she suggested we just run away together then.
She'd be more indirect, like, "It's a pity we can't just run away from all this."

Quote:
“Oh we’ll be so happy together for the rest of our lives!” She sighed whimsically. “We can get a nice house out in the country, one big enough that our children can run around freely. We can watch them frolic in the yard from the terrace next to the garden…”
It wouldn't come out all at once. Just a bit at a time. Today, the house. The next day, the yard, etc... Gradually assembling that picture of a beautiful life together in his head and he should be smart enough to figure out it's going to cost serious money by himself.

Quote:
“All that would take a lot of money which we don’t have much of… And it’s not like we can afford to take much with us either… What can we do?”
She'd be more subtle. Yes, it would take a lot of money, which they can't get. So she'd be willing to settle for a small apartment instead. But she'd say it with an expression that hints that she prefers the big house of course.

Quote:
“Really?!” Her eyes now shone with hope. “You would do that?”

“Forget I said that!” I stated, spinning away from her. “It would be madness!”

“Please…” “Do it for us.”
She would be the one to try to convince him not to steal the Shroud. But she'd do it in such a way that it'd convince him that that's the right thing to do.

If you think this is a delicate act to tempt him into stealing the Shroud instead of running away without it, you are exactly right. It would take months to establish her cover that she loves him, wants to leave the church and have a good life together. She'd use that time to find the right buttons to push to get him to steal the Shroud for her. You don't have time to write the whole process, so you'll have to summarize the seduction.
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Old 2010-06-16, 08:19   Link #25471
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempest Dynasty View Post
Alright, so I did say I was doing something like this. It's rough and mostly unedited, but it should be fine. I decided use an original character to help establish the situation, but for most people, they'll recognize the OC. For those who don't, you can check this link.

Anyhoo, here it is, so enj--dear lord I am being eaten.

*Tempest drops this as he flails and runs away*

Spoiler for First Side Dish: Aftermath:
Oh yeah, TD, would you object if I borrowed your names for the Materials?
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Old 2010-06-16, 09:40   Link #25472
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
Furthermore I didn't want to write Miranda alive because I have no idea how to write her.
And again, that's mainly my fault. Though I've hammered out some specifics for her background and what kind of weapon she used and what type of fighter she was, since I'm thinking of doing a short chapter story focused on when she and Lutecia were first partnered up.

Quote:
Celica was originally afflicted with the common disease of Midchildan females (lesbianism!) until RadiantBeam decided to throw Victor at her. We had some discussions, she wrote some shorts, and I decided to just run with it.
I regret nothing.

Quote:
It would actually make a little more sense this way--without Miranda in the picture, but her death being recent enough to still leave an open wound--Lutecia would likely be more friendly with Celica, better explaining their Back-to-Back Badasses tendencies in false light.
To be honest, if it's recently that Lutecia lost Miranda, the only reason I see her being kind to Celica after that is because Celica herself lost Fiore, so it would be easier to make the connection. Lutecia kind of shut down for a little bit and pushed people away after Miranda died, mostly out of her own guilt and self-hatred.
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Old 2010-06-16, 10:16   Link #25473
WarpObscura
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Nonexistent Future + Omake, draft three:

Spoiler for Nonexistent Future:


Spoiler for Omake?:


Spoiler for Author's Notes:
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Old 2010-06-16, 10:27   Link #25474
synaesthetic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
And again, that's mainly my fault. Though I've hammered out some specifics for her background and what kind of weapon she used and what type of fighter she was, since I'm thinking of doing a short chapter story focused on when she and Lutecia were first partnered up.
Please do this, because I would like to write more pre-false light fics involving the "main" Shadows--Lutecia, Miranda, Celica, Victor and Abraham Stele.

My next non-false light Shadowsverse fic will likely be Abraham Stele's origin fic--back before the Book of Darkness Incident, when Gil Graham was still Director!

I'm not throwing Fiore away, either, even though she's dead now. More plotbunnies than I had ever imagined are gnawing on me now!

Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
I regret nothing.
Of course you don't.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
To be honest, if it's recently that Lutecia lost Miranda, the only reason I see her being kind to Celica after that is because Celica herself lost Fiore, so it would be easier to make the connection. Lutecia kind of shut down for a little bit and pushed people away after Miranda died, mostly out of her own guilt and self-hatred.
This is what I had planned, after Dezo suggested changing the dates, actually. The comparison is obvious, only flipped--Lutecia lost her "mentor," Celica lost her "student."
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Old 2010-06-16, 11:00   Link #25475
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Oh yeah, TD, would you object if I borrowed your names for the Materials?
Not at all. Go right ahead.
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Old 2010-06-16, 11:05   Link #25476
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@ Dezo, RB, etc: The Call has been updated with the appropriate changes. FF.net link here.
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Old 2010-06-16, 18:56   Link #25477
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Please do this, because I would like to write more pre-false light fics involving the "main" Shadows--Lutecia, Miranda, Celica, Victor and Abraham Stele.
It's definitely in the works, I'll say that much. I still need to handle the exact length and what happens, but I have a very clear idea of where it goes and how it ends in terms of the relationship between Miranda and Lutecia.

Quote:
I'm not throwing Fiore away, either, even though she's dead now. More plotbunnies than I had ever imagined are gnawing on me now!
I sense much Victor angst in the future.... from yours truly, of course.

Quote:
Of course you don't.
I got you to ship it, too, if I remember right.

Quote:
This is what I had planned, after Dezo suggested changing the dates, actually. The comparison is obvious, only flipped--Lutecia lost her "mentor," Celica lost her "student."
Ironically, you know, when you think about it, it's even more ironic because in this case, Lutecia ended up being the "mentor" of the relationship while Celica was the "student"; so, in essence, they were both in the same roles as the people they had lost!
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Old 2010-06-16, 20:37   Link #25478
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Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
You got the right idea, lets go over the specifics.



It wouldn't be so abrupt. She'd appear to gradually be less eager to stay with the church, until one day, the priest would be inclined to ask why does she stay on despite her lack of enthusiasm? You can guess the answer, right?



She'd be more indirect, like, "It's a pity we can't just run away from all this."



It wouldn't come out all at once. Just a bit at a time. Today, the house. The next day, the yard, etc... Gradually assembling that picture of a beautiful life together in his head and he should be smart enough to figure out it's going to cost serious money by himself.



She'd be more subtle. Yes, it would take a lot of money, which they can't get. So she'd be willing to settle for a small apartment instead. But she'd say it with an expression that hints that she prefers the big house of course.



She would be the one to try to convince him not to steal the Shroud. But she'd do it in such a way that it'd convince him that that's the right thing to do.

If you think this is a delicate act to tempt him into stealing the Shroud instead of running away without it, you are exactly right. It would take months to establish her cover that she loves him, wants to leave the church and have a good life together. She'd use that time to find the right buttons to push to get him to steal the Shroud for her. You don't have time to write the whole process, so you'll have to summarize the seduction.
Hm... I've been thinking of these points all day, and I get what you're saying about her being more indirect, but after going back and watching the scene in question (really should have done that before I wrote the thing instead of relying on memory ), well... looks like she's being quite direct to me.

With the water works and all, perhaps she's feeding him some sob story about her mother needing expensive surgery or something...
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Old 2010-06-16, 22:04   Link #25479
synaesthetic
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lmao, since I put the three completed chapters of Altered Course up on fanfiction.net, I've already got some people sensing danger!

and by danger I mean Yuunoha.

I'm going to get so flamed when I start working on that fic again.

Edit: the reviewer said that if I really wanted to make season one "darker" I should kill or maim Yuuno. (I guess they missed Yuuno's severe injury in the prologue?)

The hatedom is strong in this one!
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Old 2010-06-16, 22:49   Link #25480
Jimmy C
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but after going back and watching the scene in question (really should have done that before I wrote the thing instead of relying on memory ), well... looks like she's being quite direct to me.
The thing is, we don't know how long she had been seducing him and putting the willies on him before that scene. By that scene, she knows he's going to steal it, so she can afford to look happy. Until then, she has to act like she's actually interested in him.

Quote:
With the water works and all, perhaps she's feeding him some sob story about her mother needing expensive surgery or something...
Or maybe Daddy put her up as collateral for his gambling debts. You raise a good point. Whatever excuse she uses should be time sensitive as well. It'll make him desperate enough to steal the Shroud because there's no other way to get the money needed in time.
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