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Old 2010-08-07, 08:35   Link #26321
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Well, if everyone else is updating, I can hardly be less awesome! Let's clown it up, baby.


Spoiler for Center Ring, Part 7:


EDIT: Also to be found on FF.net here.
Ah, yes, and thus we see the beginnings of a love that will be true and deep. A love that will span the generations and be told time and again, a love that will live on in legends. And it all started when Lutecia played along with Quattro to be Vivio's psychiatrist and Vivio could only babble upon seeing her.

Also, I'm beginning to think those shades have, like, magical cloaking powers or something. Seriously. Anybody could wear them and become law enforcement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
*sigh* It's comments like this that makes me want to drop this fic.

Why do you think I didn't even MENTION the lemons before?! Because I KNEW that all i would get would be people complaining about it!
To his defense, Raiser wasn't complaining about the lemons, he was commenting on ways that you could make it better. He also said that he was bothered by Yuuno's OOCness in those scenes, which is also another fair critique.
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Old 2010-08-07, 08:37   Link #26322
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Originally Posted by Yasanagi View Post
I took some time to reflect on Raiser's comments (and it was nice of him to express his concerns to me face to face during our meeting earlier).

Spoiler for MD discussion:
Well, I'll have to wait and see then. Frankly I can't see any potential way to explain his OOCness, especially after seeing how he acted in the first lemon (2nd lemon I guess works, since he was raped and all). Saying he got caught up in the situation wouldn't work, since we know how level headed and analytical Yuuno is.

I still say you should ditch the sex and use something else. It would be easy to do, and that's how you can tell that the sex is pointless: you can replace it with something else and it doesn't affect the plot at all. That's how games like Fate/Stay Night are easily made into all ages versions without losing of the high quality story telling.

Again I'll wait and see. Right now it's just like the sex is there for the sake of sex and nothing more. It hurts the fic especially when it results in OOCness. If you wanted to do that a PWP lemon would do just as well.

So I'll wait and see if you can salvage it, but honestly in my eyes I'd go so far to say that it's 'ruined.'

Yeah, I know if I don't like it I should just shut my mouth and move on, but I really want to like it and don't want to see it fall on its face.
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Old 2010-08-07, 08:40   Link #26323
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Well, I'll have to wait and see then. Frankly I can't see any potential way to explain his OOCness, especially after seeing how he acted in the first lemon (2nd lemon I guess works, since he was raped and all). Saying he got caught up in the situation wouldn't work, since we know how level headed and analytical Yuuno is.

I still say you should ditch the sex and use something else. It would be easy to do, and that's how you can tell that the sex is pointless: you can replace it with something else and it doesn't affect the plot at all. That's how games like Fate/Stay Night are easily made into all ages versions without losing of the high quality story telling.

Again I'll wait and see. Right now it's just like the sex is there for the sake of sex and nothing more. It hurts the fic especially when it results in OOCness. If you wanted to do that a PWP lemon would do just as well.

So I'll wait and see if you can salvage it, but honestly in my eyes I'd go so far to say that it's 'ruined.'

Yeah, I know if I don't like it I should just shut my mouth and move on, but I really want to like it and don't want to see it fall on its face.
And, you know what?

The first "mana transfer" thing that I did, I felt like the story was ruined.

You remember?

Maybe not.

But, lemme tell you, I damn near gave up writing the story then because of it.
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Old 2010-08-07, 09:10   Link #26324
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Well, the thing is that I haven't thought up of any such alternative method that would leave as big an emotional scar or whatever. Even when Raiser suggested last night on using something like draining most of Yuuno's Linker Core to replenish their own mana, I wasn't so sure if that would work to create a similar psychological impact.

If anything, I may end up writing extra bits for the chapters going on FF.Net to better foreshadow the element that causes things to lay out as they did. I just hope that it doesn't look like a major asspull when the next episode rolls around on AS/AA since I didn't insert the proper foreshadowing for it earlier.
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Old 2010-08-07, 09:41   Link #26325
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Well, i have no problem with sex in this story and honestly doesn`t see any so shoking in it.
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Old 2010-08-07, 10:10   Link #26326
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Ah, yes, and thus we see the beginnings of a love that will be true and deep. A love that will span the generations and be told time and again, a love that will live on in legends. And it all started when Lutecia played along with Quattro to be Vivio's psychiatrist and Vivio could only babble upon seeing her.

Also, I'm beginning to think those shades have, like, magical cloaking powers or something. Seriously. Anybody could wear them and become law enforcement.
That's how all of history's great romances have begun. I've often drawn inspiration from the story of Caesar and Cleopatra, and how she smuggled herself into his tent by pretending to be a forensic psychiatrist.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
And, you know what?

The first "mana transfer" thing that I did, I felt like the story was ruined.

You remember?

Maybe not.

But, lemme tell you, I damn near gave up writing the story then because of it.
Well... I'll admit that I haven't been following Material Days (sorry, sorry! I've got my own stuff to write and two jobs, I only have so much free time!). But from the reviews I'm seeing here, it seems the main problem isn't the sex, but Yuuno's reaction to it. And I can understand that... he doesn't have a whole lot of character beyond 'nice guy'. And nice guys do not treat sex as 'no big deal'. Particularly not with a girl he just met. And doubly so if she looks just like an old friend!

But don't lose hope! I mean, Yasanagi said he has plans, right? I'm sure you two can get around this oddness. You're clever sorts.
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Old 2010-08-07, 10:13   Link #26327
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Hey, I am familiar with the world of working two jobs too so I can relate.

I will be working on rectifying the situation regarding that particular OOC moment.
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Old 2010-08-07, 10:17   Link #26328
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Hee, hee... a kindred spirit? Sucks, huh. But I need the money to fuel my expensive habits. And also for, y'know, food.

I think mainly I just felt silly commenting on a story that I've only read the first two chapters of. But it's sorta taken over the forum, so I wanted to say something...
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Old 2010-08-07, 10:26   Link #26329
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I'm fortunate enough not to have expensive habits. So far, I've been able to save for emergency stuff (like paying for the insurance deductible when I damaged my car in a car accident a few months ago).
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Old 2010-08-07, 10:41   Link #26330
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... er, just to specify, when I say expensive habits, I really just mean manga and videogames ($10 a volume and $60 a game... adds the hell up. Especially when I buy the awesome, super-bright, big screen Nintendo DSi, and then like two weeks later, they announce a new 3D model. #$*& you, Nintendo).

So it's just nerd stuff. My expensive habits are not like, heroin or something. You all knew that, right? I mean, I know I have a tendency to write crack, but...
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Old 2010-08-07, 10:44   Link #26331
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
... er, just to specify, when I say expensive habits, I really just mean manga and videogames ($10 a volume and $60 a game... adds the hell up. Especially when I buy the awesome, super-bright, big screen Nintendo DSi, and then like two weeks later, they announce a new 3D model. #$*& you, Nintendo).

So it's just nerd stuff. My expensive habits are not like, heroin or something. You all knew that, right? I mean, I know I have a tendency to write crack, but...
Crack is Cheaper.

*looks at the thousands of dollars in manga, comics, anime, video games and card games that I have spent over the years*
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Old 2010-08-07, 10:56   Link #26332
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Well... I'll admit that I haven't been following Material Days (sorry, sorry! I've got my own stuff to write and two jobs, I only have so much free time!). But from the reviews I'm seeing here, it seems the main problem isn't the sex, but Yuuno's reaction to it. And I can understand that... he doesn't have a whole lot of character beyond 'nice guy'. And nice guys do not treat sex as 'no big deal'. Particularly not with a girl he just met. And doubly so if she looks just like an old friend!
Exactly (though I'd prefer no sex period). It should have some sort of impact and not just be treated as nothing. Look at a fic like Kaijo's Unexpected Expectations that handled things extremely well.
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Old 2010-08-07, 11:45   Link #26333
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I've been talking to Yasanagi...

And I'm starting to lose the will to write on Material Days.

Dunno if I'll stop, I nearly did once before, but I might just stop writing on it this time. We'll see.

So, at the very least, I'm probably going to be taking a break from writing it.
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Old 2010-08-07, 11:51   Link #26334
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I've been talking to Yasanagi...

And I'm starting to lose the will to write on Material Days.

Dunno if I'll stop, I nearly did once before, but I might just stop writing on it this time. We'll see.

So, at the very least, I'm probably going to be taking a break from writing it.
Ow, it will be waste, realy. But it`s all up to you.
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Old 2010-08-07, 12:12   Link #26335
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Damn, a minor matter turned quite ugly. But whatever happens, I'll support Yasanagi any way I can to move this forward. That last thing I want to see is an early burial on an awesome idea.
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Old 2010-08-07, 14:24   Link #26336
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
That's how all of history's great romances have begun. I've often drawn inspiration from the story of Caesar and Cleopatra, and how she smuggled herself into his tent by pretending to be a forensic psychiatrist.
Though one must wonder what kind of psychiatrist Lutecia will be for Vivio, especially since it's all a plot by Quattro. I sense we will soon have, on top of a grand romance, a romance that will also rival Romeo and Juliet.

.... Which may or may not be a good thing, when I think about it...
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Old 2010-08-07, 14:26   Link #26337
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Just don't let Shari make plans on how to get them together and I think they'll be fine...
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Old 2010-08-07, 14:27   Link #26338
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Awwww, but Shari always has the best kinds of ideas!
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Old 2010-08-07, 15:36   Link #26339
Moczo
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Just don't let Shari make plans on how to get them together and I think they'll be fine...
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Awwww, but Shari always has the best kinds of ideas!
Shari: Vivio, Vivio! I've thought of a plan to help you find love!

Vivio: Oh, God...

Shari: I shall construct a mechanical horror. It shall be a massive, robotic crocodile, large enough to crush a city bus in its mighty jaws. I shall call it Robo-Croc. I will then unleash it upon the world.

Vivio: A-and then...?

Shari: ... ... ... and then what?

Vivio: How does that help me win over Lutecia?

Shari: Win over who now?
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Old 2010-08-07, 19:18   Link #26340
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Shari: Vivio, Vivio! I've thought of a plan to help you find love!

Vivio: Oh, God...

Shari: I shall construct a mechanical horror. It shall be a massive, robotic crocodile, large enough to crush a city bus in its mighty jaws. I shall call it Robo-Croc. I will then unleash it upon the world.

Vivio: A-and then...?

Shari: ... ... ... and then what?

Vivio: How does that help me win over Lutecia?

Shari: Win over who now?
Vivio: Um.... Lutecia?

Shari: Ah, right, right! Well, just defeat it all by yourself. Girls are suckers for that.

Vivio: I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!

EDIT: Pageclaim for Vivio not dying! Or shanking me for keeping her a virgin.
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