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Old 2010-09-13, 19:16   Link #27001
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Well, we know what Lutecia's mindset is from the stories. This is not necessarily something you want to be agreeing with.
Lutecia: You mean the point where I think Vivio might be better off with someone else?

Vivio: *eyes Garyuu warily* I disagree. Strongly.
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Old 2010-09-13, 22:58   Link #27002
Justin_Brett
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Well, uh, hi. I'm an author on fanfiction.net, like some of you, and I recently completed the first chapter of a Nanoha story I've been bopping around for a little while, and finally decided to put to text after riding a very entertaining story set in the 'verse. I think it's pretty good, but for better or worse that site usually isn't the best place to look to for constructive criticism.

So I've decided to take it here after seeing some of the intelligent discussion you guys can put forth (unlike certain other fans I won't name). It's a little long - well, almost 20,000 words - so don't click it unless you have some spare time.

Without further ado, Section Thirteen: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6307776/1/Section_Thirteen

Specifically, make sure to tell me if I got anything wrong about how the Bureau runs, and the various departments it's made up of. Well, aside from the new Sections being introduced, that's just something I made up for the story. Also feel free to ask me about the characters: their Devices, how they fight, their individual rankings, and what references I snuck into them.

I hope it's to your satisfaction, and if not, well, I can try to fix that. That's what this topic is for, as I've read it.
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Old 2010-09-14, 06:44   Link #27003
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Aw.

Truly a beautiful, if sad, piece. I can certainly relate to the feeling behind it, and I admit I thought I would cry several times while reading through it. Very good job with the short, and I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you feel better. *hugs*
Part of me is like "Darn it, I didn't make you cry" and the other part is like "...Why did I want her to cry?"

I'm glad you liked it?

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Originally Posted by Yasanagi View Post
Honestly, I wish I knew my grandparents a bit better. I barely remember them since I only met them a handful of times in Hong Kong when I was 3 years old before moving to Canada permanently.
Grandparents are fun!

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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
This was very well done. Everyone handles death differently so there's no 'proper' way to act at a funeral. I've been to far too many than I care to count, and they all vary. Some are a sombre deal, some are more like a celebration.

I really empathized with Vivio here, as like I said before I've been to many funerals and I didn't always know how I was supposed to feel or act (usually because I had no idea who the dead person was). In the end you really do need to look to the future and move forward while keeping the departed's memory in your heart.

It was a great piece.

... Though I do have to admit it did make me happy to see 'Yuuno-papa'
As Dezo properly pointed out, it was necessary for the piece. I'm glad my main points seem to have struck chords .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
A good piece. Sad, obviously, but good. It relaly gets across the sense of loss very well, but it's also reassuring to see the family coming together to cope. The last bits are really hopeful, they make you feel like 'it will take awhile, but everything will be all right. Never the same, but... all right.'


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
That was...

Very good. Very, VERY good. *nods*

Good job, even if it was sad.
For some reason, my best stuff is melancholy or sadder. Is that a bad thing?

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Originally Posted by Rising Dragon View Post
To be honest, a grandson position at a funeral is something I can't really relate to; I was never really that close to my grandparents and never really got the chance to even meet my grandfathers...

But losing a father... I know how that goes all too well, so this fic really hit close to home. Like I said in the rep, I really hope writing this fic helped you.
I'm glad you related to it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
I can't speak to its effect on your emotions, but I help that it served as some kind of catharsis for you.

As for the fic itself as a story, though, I liked it quite a lot. Having Yuuno give the take on the idea of having a single father-figure was quite touching (given the Scrya clan's generalized approach to parenting). I enjoyed Vivio's self-searching as she attempts to explore her own feelings, her own sense of loss by looking at and comparing to the rest of the family and their reactions (I also liked the bit in the first paragraph about her not being looked at for the same reasons, which helps to immediately give that sense of place and person that's good--it makes the narration "feel" like Vivio because it anchors it in something we know about her right from the start).

I also like how it ends on a hopeful note of sorts, as Vivio realizes that even though Shiro is gone, that the impact that he made on people's lives and the meaning he held for them never goes away. It's not a happy ending, but it's an ending that shows her moving into the acceptance stage of grief, rather than being immersed in sadness, which is more typical for death-centric fics (and those that aren't tend to be of the "at the grave some time later," after the mental adjustment has already taken place--this, in contrast, shows the process), and it's something that I find elevates this story above the norm.
I think that this is partially due to the delay between the funeral I actually attended and actually writing the fic (about two months). Plus the fact that it was part of my own "coming to terms" process. I'm glad you think that makes the narrative stronger.

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Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Yes, there are a couple of rough points, such as "a cousin that I could never remember the name of" and the interpolation about Nanoha being useless at dating advice, which kind of throw the flow off. But all in all, an excellent and moving story.

Edit: Pageclaim for a shipping choice which actually goes to further the themes and message of the story!
Yup. For a lot of reasons, it had to be Yuuno.

The first issue you point out is that I ran out of people I thought would make sense as the escort. When you mentioned it, though, my mind went straight to Chrono, though maybe it should be Fate? I probably made it more complicated by allowing females to be pallbearers That's something that should be fixed.

The second one was just something that's just hugely fanon Nanoha... and is the kind of tangent that my thoughts took a lot while in the funeral. There was no time that I wasn't churning some thought over in my mind, and it didn't always have to do with anything else. Just... thoughts. Did it not work because it broke that paragraph too strongly?

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. I sort of assigned roles based on what actually happened. (I was Vivio, eldest grandchild. Dad gave the speech for his father-in-law though Mom wrote it. Dad added a bit at the end, etc. ...though I had to screw around with the Pallbearers a little bit) Which I think helped in making the mood exactly what it needed to be for the short.

To be honest, I was surprised it was so well-received. Originally I was just gonna leave it as it was and here. But now I think I might edit it and put it up on ff.net. But I'm not gonna touch the version in this thread. There's something to be said about the raw version's essence, I think.
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Old 2010-09-14, 07:48   Link #27004
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spawnofthejudge View Post
Part of me is like "Darn it, I didn't make you cry" and the other part is like "...Why did I want her to cry?"
New objective: write something that makes RB cry.
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Old 2010-09-14, 09:40   Link #27005
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempy View Post
New objective: write something that makes RB cry.
I'm suddenly very nervous and I don't even know why.
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Old 2010-09-14, 09:58   Link #27006
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin_Brett View Post
Well, uh, hi. I'm an author on fanfiction.net, like some of you, and I recently completed the first chapter of a Nanoha story I've been bopping around for a little while, and finally decided to put to text after riding a very entertaining story set in the 'verse. I think it's pretty good, but for better or worse that site usually isn't the best place to look to for constructive criticism.

So I've decided to take it here after seeing some of the intelligent discussion you guys can put forth (unlike certain other fans I won't name). It's a little long - well, almost 20,000 words - so don't click it unless you have some spare time.

Without further ado, Section Thirteen: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6307776/1/Section_Thirteen

Specifically, make sure to tell me if I got anything wrong about how the Bureau runs, and the various departments it's made up of. Well, aside from the new Sections being introduced, that's just something I made up for the story. Also feel free to ask me about the characters: their Devices, how they fight, their individual rankings, and what references I snuck into them.

I hope it's to your satisfaction, and if not, well, I can try to fix that. That's what this topic is for, as I've read it.
Nice to see ya! I thought you were the guy who's been reviewing Infinity for awhile; welcome to the thread!

I read the chapter, left a review, and all that jazz. My thoughts are left in more detail in the review itself, but just to emphasize; a couple rough spots, but nothing really major. Overall, I was impressed and really enjoy the tone of your writing style.

And, er... thanks for mentioning me at the end there, but I wish it hadn't been in such a way as to draw attention to my habit of making continuity errors...


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New objective: write something that makes RB cry.
You fool, you're playing right into her hands! She feeds on sorrow, all you will do is make her stronger!
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Old 2010-09-14, 10:00   Link #27007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
You fool, you're playing right into her hands! She feeds on sorrow, all you will do is make her stronger!
...That isn't the goal?
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Old 2010-09-14, 11:33   Link #27008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spawnofthejudge View Post

The first issue you point out is that I ran out of people I thought would make sense as the escort. When you mentioned it, though, my mind went straight to Chrono, though maybe it should be Fate? I probably made it more complicated by allowing females to be pallbearers That's something that should be fixed.

The second one was just something that's just hugely fanon Nanoha... and is the kind of tangent that my thoughts took a lot while in the funeral. There was no time that I wasn't churning some thought over in my mind, and it didn't always have to do with anything else. Just... thoughts. Did it not work because it broke that paragraph too strongly?
Yes, this (bolded for emphasis). The "roughness" I referred to, and these incidents in particular, are strictly questions of sentence structure causing "hiccups," I'd guess you'd say, in the flow of the reading. I have no quibbles with the actual content.
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Old 2010-09-14, 11:59   Link #27009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spawnofthejudge View Post
The second one was just something that's just hugely fanon Nanoha... and is the kind of tangent that my thoughts took a lot while in the funeral. There was no time that I wasn't churning some thought over in my mind, and it didn't always have to do with anything else.
That's very understandable, as your mind wants to think about something other than the fact that your loved one is gone, so random thoughts happen. So having Vivio do that really adds to the realism of the fic.

If you needed another paul bearer, Shiro does have a sister (Miyuki's mother) named Misato.

Otherwise, the only real problem is that Shiro would probably have a japanese funeral, not an catholic one But I think we can easily overlook that
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Old 2010-09-14, 12:06   Link #27010
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Nice to see ya! I thought You fool, you're playing right into her hands! She feeds on sorrow, all you will do is make her stronger!
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Originally Posted by spawnofthejudge View Post
...That isn't the goal?
Just as planned.
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Old 2010-09-14, 13:20   Link #27011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Lutecia: You mean the point where I think Vivio might be better off with someone else?

Vivio: *eyes Garyuu warily* I disagree. Strongly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempy View Post
New objective: write something that makes RB cry.
Is it me, or might there be a connection here somewhere? Oh, and obligatory:

Nanoha + Lutecia: Its for your own good.
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Old 2010-09-14, 13:50   Link #27012
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Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Yes, this (bolded for emphasis). The "roughness" I referred to, and these incidents in particular, are strictly questions of sentence structure causing "hiccups," I'd guess you'd say, in the flow of the reading. I have no quibbles with the actual content.
Gotcha.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
That's very understandable, as your mind wants to think about something other than the fact that your loved one is gone, so random thoughts happen. So having Vivio do that really adds to the realism of the fic.

If you needed another paul bearer, Shiro does have a sister (Miyuki's mother) named Misato.

Otherwise, the only real problem is that Shiro would probably have a japanese funeral, not an catholic one But I think we can easily overlook that
Especially since I did gloss over most of the specifics? I decided early on that since I didn't have a damn clue what a Japanese funeral would be like, and I wasn't really writing for a canon-worthy funeral, I just wrote what I knew.

Hee-hee, Paul Bearer
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Old 2010-09-14, 13:56   Link #27013
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Originally Posted by spawnofthejudge View Post
Especially since I did gloss over most of the specifics? I decided early on that since I didn't have a damn clue what a Japanese funeral would be like, and I wasn't really writing for a canon-worthy funeral, I just wrote what I knew.
Yeah, it's best to write what you know. Sometimes when I write school related stories, I use elements unique to American schools rather than Japanese ones

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Hee-hee, Paul Bearer
I think my mind slipped back to a time when I was still into Professional Wrestling
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Old 2010-09-14, 14:03   Link #27014
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Yeah, it's best to write what you know. Sometimes when I write school related stories, I use elements unique to American schools rather than Japanese ones
Well, then it becomes a question of research. Since this was designed entirely emotionally, facts simply were not important enough to get in the way.
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Old 2010-09-14, 14:08   Link #27015
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Well, I know most of you probably don't care...

Which makes me wonder why I post it, but...

Anyway...

I wrote up another chapter to "Numbers in Nerima" and thought to share.

Cinque and Dieci are the main stars of this chapter.

Spoiler for Numbers in Nerima 8:
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Old 2010-09-14, 14:53   Link #27016
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I liked it Nanya, especial the opening paragraph, I laughed so hard it hurt. Also the ending section, it just seemed to be a good way to close for some reason.
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Old 2010-09-14, 16:07   Link #27017
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Originally Posted by spawnofthejudge View Post
I'm pretty sure I needed to write this. It's very rough.

Spoiler:


Spoiler for Author's Note:
Oh, damn, I missed this one earlier...

Um, commenting on this is a little awkward... I don't have a personal experience to compare this to, so I'm afraid I may not entirely "get" the impact and understand the thought processes behind it. Although the mixed feeling of melancholy and tentative acceptance are very much palpable even this way, I can say that much. And on a philosophical level, I can empathize with the wish to keep fond memories of the departed close to heart.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you'll feel better with time.
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Old 2010-09-14, 19:46   Link #27018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin_Brett View Post
Well, uh, hi. I'm an author on fanfiction.net, like some of you, and I recently completed the first chapter of a Nanoha story I've been bopping around for a little while, and finally decided to put to text after riding a very entertaining story set in the 'verse. I think it's pretty good, but for better or worse that site usually isn't the best place to look to for constructive criticism.

So I've decided to take it here after seeing some of the intelligent discussion you guys can put forth (unlike certain other fans I won't name). It's a little long - well, almost 20,000 words - so don't click it unless you have some spare time.

Without further ado, Section Thirteen: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6307776/1/Section_Thirteen

Specifically, make sure to tell me if I got anything wrong about how the Bureau runs, and the various departments it's made up of. Well, aside from the new Sections being introduced, that's just something I made up for the story. Also feel free to ask me about the characters: their Devices, how they fight, their individual rankings, and what references I snuck into them.

I hope it's to your satisfaction, and if not, well, I can try to fix that. That's what this topic is for, as I've read it.
Read through some of it while I was at work today with free time, and I certainly find it very interesting (I'll leave a review sometime tomorrow, I have a huge gap between classes and a late shift at work). Just curious, from what I saw you mainly had an OC cast; will any of the characters from the series come in, or are you planning for them to come later? Sorry if I'm asking something you've already figured out. I'm just curious.
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Old 2010-09-15, 06:59   Link #27019
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Spoiler for Vengeance on Darkness 6; The Fortress:
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Old 2010-09-15, 10:25   Link #27020
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Spoiler for MD Again!:


Sorry for taking so long to update. Real life really cuts down on writing time.
Good work on the chapter. I can really forsee Yuuno (and the Materials) torn when Yuuno is forced to choose between the Bureau or them. (the biggest one that will be affected is clearly Material-S.)
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