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Old 2011-01-10, 07:13   Link #28501
NorthernFallout
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@Dezo: You presume correct. My bad.

Choice B has been chosen.

Spoiler for Roadside Manor Part 5:


Now it's gonna take a while for the next part as I have a backlog of gaming the size of a mountain... And the Soundstages project is returning. Hurr.
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Old 2011-01-10, 12:44   Link #28502
Nanya01
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New

Shine Parts 1-5

Shine Part 6

Shine Part 7

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Shine Part 8:


Spoiler for Comments:
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Old 2011-01-10, 13:07   Link #28503
Kaijo
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Here we go again; time to get this long-awaited party started....

Future Tense

Chapter 29: The Longest Night


In which connections are made, and Nanoha comes full circle in her quest to set right what once went terribly wrong...

Previous chapters can be found here.

Spoiler for Future Tense, Chapter 29: The Longest Night:


"I love writing but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, "You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, giftless. I'm not your agent and I'm not your mommy. I'm a white piece of paper, you wanna dance with me?" And I really, really don't." - Aaron Sorkin
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Old 2011-01-10, 16:23   Link #28504
itanshi1
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General Patton? haha

Spoiler for quotes:


Ah you edited it, alright. good read, could use a bit of editing, but i'll save that for someone else.
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Old 2011-01-10, 21:05   Link #28505
synaesthetic
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Holyshititsafic

HOLY CRAP IT'S ONLY BEEN SIX MONTHS

ACTUALLY A LITTLE LONGER

*bows down in shame*

I am sorry, but I had that pesky thing called school, which made me write a bunch of other things that were much more boring than writing false light. And also too much Dragon Age: Origins and Recettear.

Anyway. Here it is, for those who have been waiting and did not die of asphyxiation between the last post and this one.

false light
a false light casts a darker Shadow...

Spoiler for Chapter 6:


Spoiler for author's notes:
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Old 2011-01-10, 22:26   Link #28506
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
HOLY CRAP IT'S ONLY BEEN SIX MONTHS

ACTUALLY A LITTLE LONGER

*bows down in shame*

I am sorry, but I had that pesky thing called school, which made me write a bunch of other things that were much more boring than writing false light. And also too much Dragon Age: Origins and Recettear.

Anyway. Here it is, for those who have been waiting and did not die of asphyxiation between the last post and this one.

false light
a false light casts a darker Shadow...

Spoiler for Chapter 6:


Spoiler for author's notes:
... ... ... ... My confusion is not helped by your author's note telling me that I may have possibly read the wrong version of chapter five.

*sigh* I'm going to have to somehow work up the enthusiasm to re-read this whole story from the beginning, aren't I? It won't be easy, but I remember it being so good...
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Old 2011-01-10, 22:39   Link #28507
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Somebody up there loves me today. Two chapters for the price of one!

@Kaijo: This chapter, I have to say, was much better than the last. Still a lot of "moving the parts around," but since things actually got into motion, that keeps the chapter from the "all talk" trap. Plus, there was some genuine suspense in the engagement. In addition, we get more information about Mariel's general nastiness (I really don't want to see what happens to--or around--Fate when the inevitable trap-in-the-Device(s?) goes off!), following up on the clues later. And the Layla-revealed-as-Erio's daughter subplot feels...well, no less irrelevant, but much less boring, due to its use in the four-way byplay with Givo, Layla, Ix, and Erio: in other words, it goes somewhere. I'm still not sure that I care where it goes, due to the extreme peripheral nature of the characters, but in this chapter it's entertaining to read the self-contained parts of the story, and it shows that you have the ability to handle this kind of issue in a narrative (obviously important if you decide to start having family drama hit close to home in future stories--as you said, this fic is teaching you about writing and what you can do, and, well, this is something that you can).

I can't say as much about Fate's subplot, which still feels cliched. As I commented with the last chapter, I can't criticize the logic behind it--as you mentioned, this is the kind of incident that would probably have happened many times in her career, and it's only now, after meeting with Nanoha and having all her old feelings stirred up again, that she would be moved in the way she is here. It's just, "Fate's desire to protect innocent children from awful fates is stirred, prompting her Heel Face Turn" just feels thematically wrong even though it's internally consistent with the character and the facts. On the other hand, getting Fate joining back with the good guys for a while will be fun. Presuming that she doesn't get mind-controlled by a villainous Device, which would suck for the heroes.

Damn, I'm really starting to get eager to see the big revelations!

@synaesthetic: Excellent; you're back! It's odd; I re-read "The Call" just this afternoon for the first time in months, and now here's a new false light chapter. Hm...so Hayes is a typical "use the Lost Logia to create an unstoppable, guaranteed-loyal army with which I will dominate the cosmos with an iron fist and enforce the way of life I am trying to create" conqueror-type? Or is he just stringing Celica along, hoping to provoke her to some reaction to his apparent megalomania? Time will no doubt tell. I'm kind of hoping for the latter...

Solid props to Celica for not giving in to his demand but instead playing along with no intention to actually help; it would be rather unlike her to be cowed by a threat like that (also, given the list of people that Hayes intends to sic Stele on...and the list of people whom those already-strong people could call on for help and support...quite frankly, if he could guarantee the validity of that threat, he wouldn't need an army of mind-slaved SSS mages to conquer the universe; Stele could do it himself), but very much like her to try to gather as much information as possible and then attempt to become a spanner in the works.

(I am somewhat surprised that Celica's computer skills--particularly without Tizona to help her along--are so amazing that Hayes needed to kidnap her to help him, rather than, say, some civilian expert that would be more likely to bend to pressure as opposed to a trained spy who has personal contacts with Serious Potential Rescue Forces, which sets up both internal and external problems. This is one reason why I'm wondering here if there's still more going on than has thus far been revealed.)

Looking forward to further chapters, further explanation of mysteries (including how deep the rot has spread in the NSIS and the political fallout therefrom), the inevitable big throwdown between Stele and Lutecia and Vivio* (and possibly Yuuno, Chrono and one or more mamas, if necessary; this boy will require considerable befriending. Particularly if he gets some nasty Al'Hazred augmentation worked on him before the fight starts.). Bring it on!

*I'm assuming that Celica isn't going to be part of that fight, since, well, she's not a frontline warrior; her greatest strength is in her head, not her magic...and her enemy isn't Stele anyway; it's Hayes. Supporting cast gets to pile on the Dragon; but the Big Bad is always the Hero's business.
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Old 2011-01-10, 23:15   Link #28508
synaesthetic
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There's more to it than has been revealed. This is actually half of what I originally planned for Chapter 6, but it grew so monstrous I had to split it up.

Celica isn't such a computer genius that she's the only person who can crack it, but she is the only person alive who can turn it on. For other, less computery, more magicky reasons.

It'll be Stele vs. Vivio and Lutecia plus some others. Mamas? Nakajima girls? Erio and Caro? I'm not telling! You'll just have to wait and find out! And yeah, Victor and Celica will get their moments of glory as well, but that's something for later on.

Oh yes, and Hayes' very Gil Graham-like motivations? Watch those closely. They might vanish later on!
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Old 2011-01-10, 23:28   Link #28509
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
Celica isn't such a computer genius that she's the only person who can crack it, but she is the only person alive who can turn it on. For other, less computery, more magicky reasons.

Oh yes, and Hayes' very Gil Graham-like motivations? Watch those closely. They might vanish later on!
There's nothing like knowing that the worst potential problems with the chapter...aren't.
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Old 2011-01-11, 00:03   Link #28510
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Spoiler for Since people wanted a slightly faster pace for MD...:
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Old 2011-01-11, 00:11   Link #28511
synaesthetic
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The interesting thing here is how Midchildan magic is rather technical, Belkan magic is more martial... and the magic of the Precursors happens to be very traditional magicky (while still retaining the magitech MGLN feel).

So look forward to Chapter 7, because it's basically done, I just have to organize and clean it up. Chapter 6 just grew so enormous that I was forced to chop parts of it out.
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Old 2011-01-11, 00:16   Link #28512
deathcurse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
HOLY CRAP IT'S ONLY BEEN SIX MONTHS

ACTUALLY A LITTLE LONGER

*bows down in shame*

I am sorry, but I had that pesky thing called school, which made me write a bunch of other things that were much more boring than writing false light. And also too much Dragon Age: Origins and Recettear.

Anyway. Here it is, for those who have been waiting and did not die of asphyxiation between the last post and this one.

false light
a false light casts a darker Shadow...

Spoiler for Chapter 6:


Spoiler for author's notes:
(I didn't go re-read Chapter 5 , but I still enjoyed this chapter nonetheless and am accepting any odd discrepancies in my reading to a faith that you know what you're doing . Anyway, here are some random disjointed thoughts I had while reading ^^)

The mental number crunching part made me wonder if the TSAB actually have equations where people can plug in a number to replace a variable and get some numerical answer of magical output

“I'm supposed to be Dad today, not Admiral Harlaown”—I really like this line, it tells a lot about the tension between Chrono’s family life and his job in very few words.

The mentions of the scare tactics nicely show how Celica would be aware of such tactics, and yet her captors would likely try them anyway even knowing that, since they may luck out, eh?

Wow, your characterization of Admiral Hayes has me thinking about Crime Never Sleeps (as in, I’m mostly taking Dezo, Spawn, RB and your works as “canon” backstory to my fic, and so this interesting development of traitorous activity so high up in the NSIS has my little mental cogs turning frantically .

Seeing Celica make note of little details such as the differences between Al’hazred core logic and Midchildan magic makes my metaphorical ears perk up in anticipation of something amazing down the line .

Well, Hayes is insane, but I can’t help but wonder if he had omitted the “we can program directives that cannot be disobeyed” part of his little rant, if he could have possibly been more convincing as to the possible good gains from activating the Factory ….

LOL, so now we know what fantasies go through Vivio’s head when she’s bored at work?

I like how Steele is handling the situation, knowing that there’s no point in giving worthless deadlines and such. It gives a more unpredictable sense to their plans, as the readers don’t have a countdown time reference to judge the future sequence of events. Plus, it emphasizes all the more how off his rocker Hayes is.

I would think, that someone as analytical as Celica would actually to some degree enjoy having the chance to pick apart ancient computer technology? (Of course, minus the “being guarded by people with big guns” part of things….)

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
(I am somewhat surprised that Celica's computer skills--particularly without Tizona to help her along--are so amazing that Hayes needed to kidnap her to help him, rather than, say, some civilian expert that would be more likely to bend to pressure as opposed to a trained spy who has personal contacts with Serious Potential Rescue Forces, which sets up both internal and external problems. This is one reason why I'm wondering here if there's still more going on than has thus far been revealed.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
Celica isn't such a computer genius that she's the only person who can crack it, but she is the only person alive who can turn it on. For other, less computery, more magicky reasons.
See, my first thought about "Why Celica?" is some creepy Reveal that they need her brain or other part of her to be a living part of the device ......and so it has to be her, like how Vivio was needed to fly the Cradle....
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Old 2011-01-11, 00:32   Link #28513
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Most of these questions will be answered in Chapter 7. ^^;
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Old 2011-01-11, 00:53   Link #28514
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Somebody up there loves me today. Two chapters for the price of one!

@Kaijo: This chapter, I have to say, was much better than the last. Still a lot of "moving the parts around," but since things actually got into motion, that keeps the chapter from the "all talk" trap. Plus, there was some genuine suspense in the engagement. In addition, we get more information about Mariel's general nastiness (I really don't want to see what happens to--or around--Fate when the inevitable trap-in-the-Device(s?) goes off!), following up on the clues later. And the Layla-revealed-as-Erio's daughter subplot feels...well, no less irrelevant, but much less boring, due to its use in the four-way byplay with Givo, Layla, Ix, and Erio: in other words, it goes somewhere. I'm still not sure that I care where it goes, due to the extreme peripheral nature of the characters, but in this chapter it's entertaining to read the self-contained parts of the story, and it shows that you have the ability to handle this kind of issue in a narrative (obviously important if you decide to start having family drama hit close to home in future stories--as you said, this fic is teaching you about writing and what you can do, and, well, this is something that you can).
Well, to be fair, I had more planned, but I chopped a lot out to simplify it. While there will probably a few more scenes with them, I've removed some of their plot lines that would have developed them more, trying to stick more to the main story. Perhaps I'll do sidestories, or just tell people what I had planned with them, heh. Mostly as I'm streamlining it to avoid drawing things out too much more.

But yeah, each new fic is a learning experience for me, so I expect to hit bumps on the road.

Quote:
I can't say as much about Fate's subplot, which still feels cliched. As I commented with the last chapter, I can't criticize the logic behind it--as you mentioned, this is the kind of incident that would probably have happened many times in her career, and it's only now, after meeting with Nanoha and having all her old feelings stirred up again, that she would be moved in the way she is here. It's just, "Fate's desire to protect innocent children from awful fates is stirred, prompting her Heel Face Turn" just feels thematically wrong even though it's internally consistent with the character and the facts. On the other hand, getting Fate joining back with the good guys for a while will be fun. Presuming that she doesn't get mind-controlled by a villainous Device, which would suck for the heroes.
And to be honest, if I hadn't streamlined things, I would have had more planned for Fate. Not something quite so clear cut and her wanderings would have stretched a bit more. So I suppose it's a partial victim to that. I had planned a bit more wandering for Nanoha before she met up with the resistance, and would have used that time to juxtapose Fate's wanderings. But as in a few other places, I suppose the non-visual aspect of fanfiction puts this story at a disadvantage. x_x

As far as what happens to Fate... well, I know there was some foreshadowing in there that people noticed, at least. ;p

Quote:
Damn, I'm really starting to get eager to see the big revelations!
They are comin'. If you did read back over past things, you can probably guess some. Otherwise, you'll just have to be surprised, and maybe re-read once it's done so you can catch the little things I put in earlier. At least, that's what my ego hopes, heh.

Thanks for continuing to follow along, despite the bumps.^^;;

Now I have to decide if I should still include the mindfuck... which will take place among other mindfuckery...
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Old 2011-01-11, 01:11   Link #28515
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Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
Here we go again; time to get this long-awaited party started....

Future Tense

Chapter 29: The Longest Night


In which connections are made, and Nanoha comes full circle in her quest to set right what once went terribly wrong...

Previous chapters can be found here.

Spoiler for Future Tense, Chapter 29: The Longest Night:
Interesting, Kaijo... Very interesting. We going to have a Star Wars grand space battle to enjoy?

Though, I was a little disappointed that Fate didn't hear others complaining about how the Bureau throws its weight around and all that comes from it are broken families and pain.
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Old 2011-01-11, 07:18   Link #28516
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Originally Posted by Yasanagi View Post
Spoiler for Since people wanted a slightly faster pace for MD...:
Yuuno doesn't seem to be too concerned about Seikou having blood on her hands.

You never did explicitly name the two Huckebein at the start, did you? The description of the female one back then didn't ring a bell.
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Old 2011-01-11, 08:04   Link #28517
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Most of these questions will be answered in Chapter 7. ^^;
So, in six months then.
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Old 2011-01-11, 08:48   Link #28518
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@Kaijo: I agree with Dezo that Fate's subplot isn't working very well, but more for the reason that it didn't seem to accomplish anything inside her (or really shouldn't have). She was among a family that was actually doing pretty well in the Empire, all things considered. No one had apparently done anything to bring the attention of the TSAB before then, and so other than the constant worry, they didn't really have any effect until the end. Now, if somebody in the family had been killed for resisting (or similar), then constant worry would have turned quite nicely to constant fear.

If you were going for constant fear, I didn't get it.

I also think that the set-up to flashback construction was fumbled. Might as well just have everything happen right up to that point and later reveal that it's what Nanoha was thinking about right beforehand. But that might be a personal thing.

Either way, I thought this was a rather weak chapter for you, even if it's ramping up the pressure.

@synaesthetic: Oooo, a new false light! Like Dezo, I laughed when Hayes threatened Vivio et. al. I mean, if he makes an attempt on Vivio's life, he has lost the instant Mamas find out. And there's very little way he doesn't know that already. So clearly he's trying to bluff Celica, though that's clearly also not working as well as he might like, but he's got less of a chance of knowing that.

Really, it just seems to me that Hayes is already screwed, I just have to go get the popcorn.

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So, in six months then.
Ooo, burn.
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Old 2011-01-11, 10:08   Link #28519
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
HOLY CRAP IT'S ONLY BEEN SIX MONTHS

ACTUALLY A LITTLE LONGER

*bows down in shame*

I am sorry, but I had that pesky thing called school, which made me write a bunch of other things that were much more boring than writing false light. And also too much Dragon Age: Origins and Recettear.

Anyway. Here it is, for those who have been waiting and did not die of asphyxiation between the last post and this one.

false light
a false light casts a darker Shadow...

Spoiler for Chapter 6:


Spoiler for author's notes:
Well, since everyone else beat me out on commenting on other aspects of the chapter, especially in relation to Celica, I'm going to comment on something that really caught my eye for some reason when I first read through the chapter, and remained my favorite bit of the whole thing even when I reread it again.

Namely, the Victor/Lutecia scene. It really speaks volumes about how much they trust each other; not only in the sense that Lutecia lets him in to hang out while she's showering, but also that he doesn't even comment on the fact that she wants to shower when he's around. It's a very quick moment and really, not even meant as a friendship thing, but it's still a nice little "blink and you miss it" tribute to the fact that Victor's probably the one Shadow Lutecia trusts the most since Miranda died.

Of course, this kind of interaction is why people so often mistake them for lovers when they're working together on missions...
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Old 2011-01-11, 12:06   Link #28520
Kaijo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spawnofthejudge View Post
@Kaijo: I agree with Dezo that Fate's subplot isn't working very well, but more for the reason that it didn't seem to accomplish anything inside her (or really shouldn't have). She was among a family that was actually doing pretty well in the Empire, all things considered. No one had apparently done anything to bring the attention of the TSAB before then, and so other than the constant worry, they didn't really have any effect until the end. Now, if somebody in the family had been killed for resisting (or similar), then constant worry would have turned quite nicely to constant fear.

If you were going for constant fear, I didn't get it.
No, actually I wasn't going for constant fear.^^;; The idea was to show a family doing decently well; it's just that the father was bribing officials to keep his daughters from being tested (especially since he knew Marin was a mage). Up until that point, I had pretty much already shown broken homes and families. So technically, they were in a certain fear, but considered themselves okay as long as Jari could keep bribing the Enforcers to look the other way.

And as I said to Dezo above, I had planned to have Fate wander a bit more, but decided to not drag things out anymore so perhaps her situation would come across seeming a bit rushed. This fic is also teaching me about how long and how many chapters most readers can deal with in a fic, heh. My next fics will stick to Crisis size.

Quote:
I also think that the set-up to flashback construction was fumbled. Might as well just have everything happen right up to that point and later reveal that it's what Nanoha was thinking about right beforehand. But that might be a personal thing.
I considered it, but I guess I also wanted to show up front that this chapter was moving into the major battle. I'll keep it in mind, though, and see what other people say.

Thanks for the comments!^^
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