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Old 2011-02-27, 16:32   Link #29501
shiroi mahotsukai
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
I think that if I was more clear on the exact relations between these ancient rulers, I'd be able to pick up more nuances in this story . But as I don't, I apologize for a mostly superficial review.

There was a point of view shift in the middle, going from third person to the Saint King's first person narrative all of a sudden--it took me a second reading to puzzle it out, and only realize that she's kind of narratively-saying her thoughts in the middle--but since there are no quotations marks, I assumed she wasn't saying it out loud. Nothing wrong with the narrative approach either though, but maybe make it distinguishable through italics or something?

The paragraph where you described the children's thoughts about listening to an old woman was well-written. The way you wrote and what the paragraph was talking about fit together nicely. My only suggestion is that this line:


Could possibly be changed to "But each tale of fabulous places and wondrous adventures kept them sitting there for hours; it seemed the lady never ran out of stories."

I liked the ending, how the Saint King spoke with Klaus' daughter. It was really sweet and showed a deep kind of admiration/friendship that goes beyond any other complication or relationship. Good job!
Thank you, the point about the POV is well taken, I never really noticed that before but I'll leave it unchanged, it actually sounds like she's losing her mind and helps the reader to understand this by confusing them. It sounds like you felt exactly how I do after talking with my Great Grandfather.

The line change you suggested will be made in the FF.net version though.

I doubt I know any more about the characters here than you do, probably less as I haven't read Vivid. I will say that writing the ineraction with Klaus' daughter was my favourite part except for the gardens.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
This part isn't quite, QUITE done yet but...

Ah, screw it, I'll post what I got. There's 2 parts left to this scene/chapter.

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Shine 49 A:


Spoiler for Blood That Flows - 49 B:


Spoiler for Comments:


Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Shine 49 C:


Spoiler for Comments:


...

It's been...

Three days since I last updated...

I am in despair! My falling into schedule slip has left me in despair!

Edit: I should do the links, huh?

Shine 1 -45

Shine 46

Shine 47

Shine 48
Falling into scheldule slip only happens on TV and in newspapers, it couldn't happen to someone normal. You were just trying to increase the suspense.

My, my, does it seem to you like several bouts of anger management are necessary for this cast? Or is it just me?

Yes, Thoth Driver is a menace to society, I'm still sure you can turn it into a weapon though, after all they've done it with everything else.

I feel so sorry for Zest at this point, I'm still trying to decide which fate is worse for him, Canon or this. I suppose it depends on how much he knows when he dies.

Does seem to be a long chapter this one, I like that each fight has a seperate segment, far easier to understand.
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Old 2011-02-28, 07:53   Link #29502
DezoPenguin
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Posted She Sette Her Up For That One to fanfiction-dot-net.
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Old 2011-02-28, 11:57   Link #29503
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Okay, so here we go aga...oh fucking hellshit on a popsicle stick...

And have I mentioned lately about how much I love Gargoyles?

Future Tense

Chapter 34: Behind the Curtain


In which Nanoha discovers, to her horror, that there was still much she did not know...

Previous chapters can be found here.

Spoiler for Future Tense, Chapter 34: Behind the Curtain:


IMPORTANT NOTE!!!!

Please use spoiler tags when commenting on this, for the people who haven't yet read the chapter. You'll understand why... Oh, but you can leave expletives outside said spoiler tags if you wish.

You'll also note the scenes concerning Vivio and Einhart are here, since as I mentioned before via Nanya, I had moved them from the last chapter into this one, mostly due to balance talking and fighting, and make the last chapter not quite as huge.
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Old 2011-02-28, 12:12   Link #29504
Nanya01
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Spoiler for Comments:
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Old 2011-02-28, 12:46   Link #29505
Laith
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Spoiler for In where Laith says...:
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Old 2011-02-28, 12:52   Link #29506
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Posted She Sette Her Up For That One to fanfiction-dot-net.
Someone warn Moczo so he doesn't faint when he sees it pop up in the MGLN fanfiction section.
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Old 2011-02-28, 12:53   Link #29507
Moczo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Someone warn Moczo so he doesn't faint when he sees it pop up in the MGLN fanfiction section.
Hmmmm... what's this I see in the--*Faints*
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Old 2011-02-28, 13:27   Link #29508
vic-vic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
Okay, so here we go aga...oh fucking hellshit on a popsicle stick...

And have I mentioned lately about how much I love Gargoyles?

Future Tense

Chapter 34: Behind the Curtain


In which Nanoha discovers, to her horror, that there was still much she did not know...

Previous chapters can be found here.

Spoiler for Future Tense, Chapter 34: Behind the Curtain:


Spoiler for Uh-huh:
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Old 2011-02-28, 13:53   Link #29509
spawnofthejudge
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
Future Tense

Chapter 34: Behind the Curtain
[Post has been redacted to remove expletives]

Spoiler:
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Old 2011-02-28, 14:25   Link #29510
00-Raiser
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
Okay, so here we go aga...oh fucking hellshit on a popsicle stick...

And have I mentioned lately about how much I love Gargoyles?

Future Tense

Chapter 34: Behind the Curtain


In which Nanoha discovers, to her horror, that there was still much she did not know...

Previous chapters can be found here.

Spoiler for Future Tense, Chapter 34: Behind the Curtain:


IMPORTANT NOTE!!!!

Please use spoiler tags when commenting on this, for the people who haven't yet read the chapter. You'll understand why... Oh, but you can leave expletives outside said spoiler tags if you wish.

You'll also note the scenes concerning Vivio and Einhart are here, since as I mentioned before via Nanya, I had moved them from the last chapter into this one, mostly due to balance talking and fighting, and make the last chapter not quite as huge.
Corrections where they always are.

OH MY GOD I'M

Spoiler:
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Old 2011-02-28, 14:41   Link #29511
shiroi mahotsukai
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Corrections where they always are.

OH MY GOD I'M

Spoiler:
Spoiler for comment:
__________________
"The eyes are the windows that let us gaze upon the soul"
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"When desperate there are two choices: Lock shields for the last stand or draw your sword for the final charge"
"There are no winners or losers, there are only the living and the dead."
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Old 2011-02-28, 15:52   Link #29512
SilentOutlaw
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Spoiler for Future Tense Causes RAGE!!!:
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Old 2011-02-28, 16:24   Link #29513
Kaijo
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@Nanya01, Laith, vic-vic, spawnofthejudge, shiroi mahotsukai, SilentOutlaw... I think that's all so far, heh.

Spoiler for Some responses to responses thus far:


I will say also, that Babylon 5 was a favorite series of mine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Corrections where they always are.

OH MY GOD I'M

Spoiler:
Spoiler for More specific response... kinda:


So... no one wanted to comment on the Roger Rabbit line?
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Old 2011-02-28, 17:22   Link #29514
Nanya01
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One part left to this scene...

Shine 1 -45

Shine 46

Shine 47

Shine 48

Shine 49 A, B, C

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Shine 49 D:
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Old 2011-02-28, 17:24   Link #29515
synaesthetic
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No wonder you guys seem so prolific next to me. Your chapters aren't 10,000 words long!
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Old 2011-02-28, 17:28   Link #29516
Nanya01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
No wonder you guys seem so prolific next to me. Your chapters aren't 10,000 words long!
Nope.

though, if my chapters WERE 10,000 words long...

I'd still update once a week.
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Old 2011-02-28, 17:30   Link #29517
shiroi mahotsukai
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
One part left to this scene...

Shine 1 -45

Shine 46

Shine 47

Shine 48

Shine 49 A, B, C

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Shine 49 D:
Heh, Rider Kick, that was amusing, plus, that sounded like Zafira blushed, you don't see that everyday.
Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
No wonder you guys seem so prolific next to me. Your chapters aren't 10,000 words long!
Yep, gotta keep everythig relative.
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Old 2011-02-28, 17:41   Link #29518
Moczo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
No wonder you guys seem so prolific next to me. Your chapters aren't 10,000 words long!
Awwwww, yeah. People who write chapters that are too big, represent! High-five, yo!
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Old 2011-02-28, 17:55   Link #29519
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And I'm always telling Nanya his chapters are too long...
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Old 2011-02-28, 18:02   Link #29520
Kaijo
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Not sure how long my chapters are, or would be considered as, but must of my chapters in Crisis were 10 pages or so, via Open Office. All 26 chapters came out at 118,000 words, so average of 4,500 words a chapter.

I've been using slightly longer chapters with Future Tense, and they've been going 12 pages or so. As of chapter 33, it has reached 206,000 words, so 6,200 words a chapter or so. I may just end up with a fic twice the size of Crisis, heh. Though I definitely don't plan to make one this long again.
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