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Old 2011-09-16, 16:56   Link #34301
mega1987
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Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood Harlaown Dreams Dance Healing Twins

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Advice Start:
Val: This reminds me of our own Love Triangles...*remembers Roll and Tron fought each other in a vicious cat fight* Ugh!*palmface*

Me:Good thing I haven't found anyone that would make me go gaga yet.

Reia, Reina, Meyrin: *glares at me*Lucky You!*before glaring at each other*

Athrun: Um....

Odin: Athrun, if you value your life, just don't intervene.

Me: And we're no love expert here... So, deal being a Chick Magnet, Zala.
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Old 2011-09-16, 21:34   Link #34302
Sunder the Gold
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So, I wrote one chapter of a series of related shorts, based on the "Aces Solve A Maze Puzzle" comic.

The comic can be found here: http://safebooru.org/index.php?page=...view&id=555328

Chrono's chapter can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7273071/1


Well, tonight I sat down to working on my Yuuno chapter, and I think I've finally banged out an introduction that I'm happy with.

I'd be even happier if I'd already written the shorts featuring Yuuno's previous fights and training sessions with the others, as the only way to ensure "future" accuracy is to know exactly how the past worked. I'd hate to close off possibilities for the prequels before I've even realized them.

But at the same time, I'd like do this for its own sake, and it will let me go on to cover Signum and Vita. Also, Hayate.


Speaking of explanations, I have completely failed to describe WHERE the Maze is set. Partly because I failed to even think of the question.

Answer: It's on the TSAB's dimensional station headquarters, where the cast had their big post-A's team-brawl.

This is important, because I figure that Transporter and other teleportation spells don't work when you're on a ship or station that's already occupying the dimensional sea.

Which means that Yuuno can't bypass the maze through teleportation. Which is good, because that would have been really anticlimatic and pointless, even if it meant being able to rub Chrono's face in it.

Not that Chrono would have been so silly as to make it a contest if teleportation was possible, because Chrono's more clever than that.


Anyway, enough TL;DR. Here's the first half:

Spoiler for Yuuno got played:


Please Comment and Criticize.

Last edited by Sunder the Gold; 2011-09-16 at 22:45.
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Old 2011-09-16, 22:01   Link #34303
RadiantBeam
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Well... You did possibly blow RadiantBeam's mind.
Oh, it's okay, it's been done before. It'll grow back eventually, I'm sure.
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Old 2011-09-16, 22:12   Link #34304
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Oh, it's okay, it's been done before. It'll grow back eventually, I'm sure.
I was about to say it's not too hard to do, bu- *shot*
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Old 2011-09-16, 23:45   Link #34305
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunder the Gold View Post
So, I wrote one chapter of a series of related shorts, based on the "Aces Solve A Maze Puzzle" comic.

The comic can be found here: http://safebooru.org/index.php?page=...view&id=555328

Chrono's chapter can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7273071/1


Well, tonight I sat down to working on my Yuuno chapter, and I think I've finally banged out an introduction that I'm happy with.

I'd be even happier if I'd already written the shorts featuring Yuuno's previous fights and training sessions with the others, as the only way to ensure "future" accuracy is to know exactly how the past worked. I'd hate to close off possibilities for the prequels before I've even realized them.

But at the same time, I'd like do this for its own sake, and it will let me go on to cover Signum and Vita. Also, Hayate.


Speaking of explanations, I have completely failed to describe WHERE the Maze is set. Partly because I failed to even think of the question.

Answer: It's on the TSAB's dimensional station headquarters, where the cast had their big post-A's team-brawl.

This is important, because I figure that Transporter and other teleportation spells don't work when you're on a ship or station that's already occupying the dimensional sea.

Which means that Yuuno can't bypass the maze through teleportation. Which is good, because that would have been really anticlimatic and pointless, even if it meant being able to rub Chrono's face in it.

Not that Chrono would have been so silly as to make it a contest if teleportation was possible, because Chrono's more clever than that.


Anyway, enough TL;DR. Here's the first half:

Spoiler for Yuuno got played:


Please Comment and Criticize.
A good start on Yuuno's chapter and I liked the explanation for Chrono's actions. Now I have a better frame of reference on why he acts like an ass half the time.

Looking forward to the second half and towards Signum's chapter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Oh, it's okay, it's been done before. It'll grow back eventually, I'm sure.
We could always scan it and make sure a backup is available. Though you may have to share a hard drive with deathcurse's backup AI if memory serves correctly.
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Old 2011-09-17, 07:07   Link #34306
Gao Gar
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Yes! I have my vacation at last and no one is going to stop me writing my stories now! If you people want a Yuuno/Nanoha/Fate story, just tell me so I can post it. I wrote it three months ago and I found it in one of my many files.
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Last edited by Gao Gar; 2011-09-17 at 07:30.
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Old 2011-09-17, 09:23   Link #34307
Sunder the Gold
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Originally Posted by Gao Gar View Post
Yes! I have my vacation at last and no one is going to stop me writing my stories now! If you people want a Yuuno/Nanoha/Fate story, just tell me so I can post it. I wrote it three months ago and I found it in one of my many files.
I'm game.


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Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
A good start on Yuuno's chapter and I liked the explanation for Chrono's actions. Now I have a better frame of reference on why he acts like an ass half the time.
It came out of no where at the last second.

I had the idea that Chrono was doing this for reasons beyond his personal amusement. Just as he used his own run for a personal challenge AND an object lesson, so he intends to use Yuuno's run.

But as I was toying with the idea that Chrono was doing this for FUN, I started asking myself why he thought it was fun. As no-nonsense as Chrono is, why does he delight in petty torments?

Because Yuuno really IS that easy to manipulate, since as mature as the boy is, Chrono has five years on him, and Yuuno doesn't have much social experience.

Because Yuuno kind of started it with his hostile jealousy over Nanoha. A big red flag announcing, "I have buttons to push for amusing reactions!"

Because honestly, did Chrono ever really have friends beyond Amy, Charim and Verossa? And just LOOK at Verossa!

Chrono spends a lot of his time on long tours in space. He's a highly-ranked officer without equals, only subordinates and superiors, and on top of that, he's the only highly-ranked combat mage. And he's SHORT. He's bizarrely young-looking for his age, which can't help with making friends his own age.

Which, by happy coincidence, makes it easier for him and nine-year-old Yuuno to get along, even as poorly as they do.

But it didn't seem like this was the sort of thing Chrono would think about, let alone admit to himself. Thankfully, Amy happened to be on-hand, so I used her to deliver my revelations.

Which makes me happy, as it develops Chrono, AND Amy, AND their relationship.


Quote:
Looking forward to the second half and towards Signum's chapter.
Thank DezoPenguin for that. Originally, I probably wasn't going to write up anyone but Chrono and Yuuno. Doing others would have been nice, but I didn't see enough reason, or enough difference beween their approaches and previous ones.

But as I was trying to explain this to Dezo, I saw new possibilities.

He also helped me see that Hayate's solution was all wrong for her, and I agreed, so I decided that I would give her a chapter to properly detail how she'd handle a maze she couldn't simply walk around.

I still haven't given any serious thought to Zafira, let alone Arf.

Originally, I wasn't even going to do anyone BUT Yuuno. This whole thing started as an additional chapter to someone ELSE's omake (regarding a crossover story) about the three Aces and a nine-year-old Emiya Shirou doing the maze.

(Which is incidentally why I didn't think about the maze's location and why I have Hayate simply leveling the whole thing with one blast.)

Since the thread's various omake were rife with "Emiya Shirou lands all three Aces as a harem", I was upset. Here was a male from an entirel different series getting all of the sort of attention that natively-canonical males weren't getting. Especially when Shirou's own part was just so disgustingly over-the-top, even as a joke.

So I decided to write Yuuno's run. But as I thought about how Yuuno would do it, I compared his tactics to Chrono's.

Afterall, I didn't want to shortchange the guy by saying he couldn't do something Yuuno did without first considering what Chrono really could do.

Besides, the rough idea back then WAS basically "scry out the maze, teleport to the exit". It was so anticlimatic that I felt I needed a contrast to make it seem funny.

With all of these reasons in mind, I happily dove into Chrono's chapter to give the stumpy Enforcer the respect he deserved.

Last edited by Sunder the Gold; 2011-09-17 at 09:36.
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Old 2011-09-17, 10:19   Link #34308
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Originally Posted by Gao Gar View Post
Yes! I have my vacation at last and no one is going to stop me writing my stories now! If you people want a Yuuno/Nanoha/Fate story, just tell me so I can post it. I wrote it three months ago and I found it in one of my many files.
I'm all for it.
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Old 2011-09-17, 14:14   Link #34309
Gao Gar
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Originally Posted by Sunder the Gold View Post
I'm game.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
I'm all for it.
Here you go guys. . A Yuuno/Nanoha/Fate one-shot. It's better for you to read Nanya's and co-writer RadiantBeam's one-shot 'Relationship' before reading this one-shot.This event happened before the 'Relationship'. BTW, a certain muse-rocket will find this story familiar.


Spoiler for A Guru's advice:



Spoiler for A/N:
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Last edited by Gao Gar; 2011-09-17 at 15:40.
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Old 2011-09-17, 18:41   Link #34310
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Originally Posted by Gao Gar View Post
Here you go guys. . A Yuuno/Nanoha/Fate one-shot. It's better for you to read Nanya's and co-writer RadiantBeam's one-shot 'Relationship' before reading this one-shot.This event happened before the 'Relationship'. BTW, a certain muse-rocket will find this story familiar.
While it did start off decently well and had a good amount of potential, everything after the second break point seems rather awkward and the characterizations seem off to me.

I would also like to warn that I'm fairly certain that sections of this story violate forum rules against sexually explicit material.
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Old 2011-09-17, 23:25   Link #34311
Gao Gar
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While it did start off decently well and had a good amount of potential, everything after the second break point seems rather awkward and the characterizations seem off to me.
The second half was supposed to be awkward and tad OCC. Everyone knows the effects of drinking too much alcohol, it can make a person incoherent and crazy that they didn't seem to be themselves. I looked it over after reading your review and saw a number of mistakes. I was intending for the dialogue in the second half to sound, well, drunk, and the fact that Verossa seemed to be the one who was able to speak clearly because, he drank little and he's the one making the beverage. No one wants a very drunk bartender on the job. I let it up for readers to think and imagine what were the characters doing instead, I don't want to be captain obvious.

Sorry for the mistakes,This one-shot was created around three months ago, I didn't bother to check it up.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
I would also like to warn that I'm fairly certain that sections of this story violate forum rules against sexually explicit material.
I read numerous yuri smut/porn from this very forum years ago.. I didn't know that the forum rules is being strictly enforced. Sorry about that. It won't happened again.

Thanks for the review.
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Old 2011-09-18, 01:15   Link #34312
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No problem.

Here comes chapter 5 of 'Leave of Absence' This chapter felt odd to me and I had a hard time writing it. I'm not sure how anyone else feels about it, but I'd appreciate feedback.

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Leave of Absence: Chapter 5:


Spoiler for Author's Notes:
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Old 2011-09-18, 01:31   Link #34313
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Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Spoiler for Leave of Absence: Chapter 5:


Spoiler for Author's Notes:
Spoiler:
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Old 2011-09-18, 03:14   Link #34314
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... yeah, can't see how Yuuno's getting out of this one unscathed.
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Old 2011-09-18, 03:18   Link #34315
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Every time I see Creeper, I think:

"That'ssssssss a very niccce computer you've got there. Hope nothing bad happensssss to it."

Goddamn Creepers destroy everything I make.
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Old 2011-09-18, 04:33   Link #34316
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No problem.

Here comes chapter 5 of 'Leave of Absence' This chapter felt odd to me and I had a hard time writing it. I'm not sure how anyone else feels about it, but I'd appreciate feedback.

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Leave of Absence: Chapter 5:


Spoiler for Author's Notes:
I can't get the image of Yuuno running away from deadly pink beams out of my head.

I hope Hayate would call Fate to clear any misunderstanding between them.

...

@Gao Gar it's been awhile, how's your place? I'm glad your terror teachers didn't eat you.XD

I didn't expect you to actually post the one-shot, I had challenged you to write months ago. . You better hide before they come and get you!
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Old 2011-09-18, 07:03   Link #34317
Gao Gar
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Originally Posted by Mr Coin View Post
I can't get the image of Yuuno running away from deadly pink beams out of my head.

I hope Hayate would call Fate to clear any misunderstanding between them.

...

@Gao Gar it's been awhile, how's your place? I'm glad your terror teachers didn't eat you.XD

I didn't expect you to actually post the one-shot, I had challenged you to write months ago. . You better hide before they come and get you!
You, and your old teacher jokes. :/. Save the conversations later at YH.
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Old 2011-09-18, 10:32   Link #34318
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One of biggest questions, and most difficult to put down, had been whether or not this new discovery would allow for more Unison Devices to be produced in a legitimate manner.
They'd remain even more unpopular than Intelligent Devices. Even more expensive to produce, and even more given to independence.

Zwei and Agito show us that UDs can interface with guest users, at reduced efficacy, but the UD has to be willing to do so.

Think about this: People don't want to spend thousands or millions of dollars on a piece of military hardware that could very well decide that it doesn't want to work for the military. Or not THEIR military.

Sure, so far people have only ever gotten IDs and UDs with compatible, agreeable personalities. But I bet there are horror stories of someone who goofed and produced an incompatible, disagreeable Intelligence.

The horror stories of UDs would be even worse, since they can take over the mage in a unison.

Those who pay for them take a risk, and those who build them on commission take a risk, and most people would rather avoid the risk.


Quote:
and Agito would not have suffered so at the hands of maligned researchers.
Maligned or malicious? Are you affirming that they were bad or claiming that they were misunderstood?


Quote:
Yuuno had finished the spell five days ago and had complete adjustments just yesterday.
CompleteD.


Quote:
Eins while all members of the Wolkenritter were present and today was the fist time she'd been able to manage it since then.
fiRst.


Quote:
"Come in." She called out.

So far, things are looking good." Reassured Hayate.

"Vita! This is serious." Admonished Shamal.

"I would like to accompany you, Rein." Intoned Signum, "Would you mind?"

And either Yuuno or I will give you a call about visiting, Signum, Rein." Hayate informed the duo as everyone stood up to leave.
All of these excerpts are cases where the dialogue and the narrative are actually a single complete sentence. In such cases, you never actually use a period at the end of the dialogue, you use a comma, and the first word of the rest of the sentence is not capitalized because it's still the same single sentence.

Only when the narration begins a totally new thought does it begin as a seperate sentence.


Quote:
While she should have been more serious about it, the commander couldn't resist such an opportunity to tease her Knights. With a beatific smile, she dropped the bomb. "We're going to have a new addition to the family soon. Rein, thanks to Yuuno, you are officially going to have a little sister."
And that makes the scene. Hahahahaha.


Quote:
Zafira could leave and inflict grievous bodily hard upon the Head Librarian.
Harm.


Quote:
she's been trying to get back in contact with us in a severely weakened state.."
One period for conclusion, or three-period for an ellipse?


Quote:
"You're telling us that the big bad Defense Program got taken out for good, by a freaking Creeper!? Oh Kiaser, that's rich!"
Kaiser.


Quote:
"Nu-uh.
I'd spell this "Nuh-uh." Without the first H, my mind pronounces it as "New-uh".


Quote:
Zafira was first to the door and opened it for the remaining Wolkenritter, only to see A slightly red faced and blank eyed Fate T. Harlaown standing there stock still with a stack of papers.
Most obvious is the A which should be lower-case, but why are there no hyphens in "red-faced" or "blank-eyed"?

Also, how does Fate hear only the joke and NOT the explanation that followed it?

Did she overhear, and then retreat beyond listening range? Why? Most people's reactions to overhearing such a thing would be to keep listening in for more details. Perhaps especially if their job is being a Detective.

Even supposing that Fate intentionally or unintentionally drew back such that she couldn't hear more, that meant that she was standing there, red-faced and blank-eyed, for at least five or ten minutes.

Why would this news affect her that strongly?


Quote:
Please don't fault Yuuno for this. It was something we both decided on."
That line doesn't make logical sense from where Hayate's coming from.


Quote:
Fate's face seemed to take on an odd look, one Hayate couldn't quite place. "I. I should get back to my post.
There should be ellipses following that first I. That is "..." rather than just one period.


Quote:
"Congratulations on the baby." With that, Fate hastily retreated from the office.
Remember what I said about periods? This is an exception.


Quote:
For the next five minutes, Hayate seemed to have taken on attributes reminiscent of a statue as she processed what her friend had just said. "This won't end well at all, will it."
Why, when a quick telepathic message can start getting things smoothed out.

Fate's not the one to immediately start tele-messaging Nanoha or anyone else about this, I think. I see her thinking about it first.



Quote:
I was most concerned about how well the chapter flowed and I don't have much experience with having so many characters all in one place trying to interact. Did it work out alright or was it too jerky?
Aside from the concerns I stated regarding Fate, including the question of why it should be so hard to run damage control when you have telepathy and no less than five individuals to go physically running after just one, the flow was completely natural and enjoyable.

Hayate's prank was entirely in character and really improved the chapter. Just coming out straight with the answer would have been comparatively boring.


Quote:
I'm most concerned with Shamal and Vita.
It may be fanon at work, but it doesn't surprise me that Shamal would be the first one to cotton on to Hayate's joke. Also, she might have been able to execute a swift and discrete pregnancy test with Klarwint that turned up negative.

However, with Vita, there are two points, minor and major.


Minor) Does Vita strike anyone as the sort of person who plays time-wasting computer games? Though maybe she heard about it from some of the young people she's training, and decided to see what the fuss was about.

Now I have a mental image of Vita starting the game, wondering what the hell is going on, getting blow up by the creepers, getting pissed off and vowing to show them who's boss, and then laughing maniacally at the creepers from the battlements of her new fortress.

Before suddenly realizing how much deep she's gotten, and then hurriedly quitting the game in embarassment.


Major) Battle of Aces is "canon enough", since it's not so much uncanonical as an "canon, if different choices had been made."

And according to what I'd heard, Vita still hadn't worked through her bad blood with Reinforce by the time that Reinforce died in the original timeline.

See, according to the Sound Stages, Vita basically hated everyone during the dark days, especially Reinforce. After they met Hayate, Vita burried the hatchet with the Wolkenritter, but never got around to speaking with Reinforce after the battle with the Defense Program.

So if she really didn't make peace with Eins, then she would be uncomfortable with meeting her now.
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Old 2011-09-18, 11:30   Link #34319
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Vita will probably play one console: PS Vita.
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Old 2011-09-18, 12:10   Link #34320
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Oh lord. So many errors. I can see missing a few, but that many? I need to do a much better job of checking these things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunder the Gold View Post
They'd remain even more unpopular than Intelligent Devices. Even more expensive to produce, and even more given to independence.

Zwei and Agito show us that UDs can interface with guest users, at reduced efficacy, but the UD has to be willing to do so.

Think about this: People don't want to spend thousands or millions of dollars on a piece of military hardware that could very well decide that it doesn't want to work for the military. Or not THEIR military.

Sure, so far people have only ever gotten IDs and UDs with compatible, agreeable personalities. But I bet there are horror stories of someone who goofed and produced an incompatible, disagreeable Intelligence.

The horror stories of UDs would be even worse, since they can take over the mage in a unison.

Those who pay for them take a risk, and those who build them on commission take a risk, and most people would rather avoid the risk.
Yea, I'll need to rewrite that section. It would make more sense for Hayate's superiors to be more concerned about losing one of their most powerful mages and/or head librarian than mass producing a potentially unstable or antagonistic device. I can see them allowing the project on the basis of her success with Zwei and Agito's joining of the TSAB. Personal project, likely. No way on the MP idea.

Quote:
Most obvious is the A which should be lower-case, but why are there no hyphens in "red-faced" or "blank-eyed"?

Also, how does Fate hear only the joke and NOT the explanation that followed it?

Did she overhear, and then retreat beyond listening range? Why? Most people's reactions to overhearing such a thing would be to keep listening in for more details. Perhaps especially if their job is being a Detective.

Even supposing that Fate intentionally or unintentionally drew back such that she couldn't hear more, that meant that she was standing there, red-faced and blank-eyed, for at least five or ten minutes.

Why would this news affect her that strongly?
I have no explanation for the hyphens.

I was going with Fate's reactions being so strong based on the idea that two of her close friends suddenly went from being single and uninterested/no time for a relationship to having baby on the way. The long time spent by the door doing nothing was more for the fact that she had such a bomb dropped on her out of nowhere, that her thought process ground to a halt and then tried to reboot with the new info. I've had it happen to me before. Not to such an extent though. Perhaps if she'd been in the office and her presence known, Hayate or someone else would have snapped her out of it. But right now, she overheard something (supposedly)serious from a closed door family discussion that she probably wasn't supposed to hear yet. She's trying to match what's she's overheard to what she knows and is drawing massive blanks and bizarre situations. I wanted it more for the comedic backfiring of Hayate's joke and a way to bring in more of the cast.

It'll probably go over better if I explain why Fate was at the door for so long, but right now I'm having trouble doing that without it taking too much away from the humor.

Quote:
Why, when a quick telepathic message can start getting things smoothed out.

Fate's not the one to immediately start tele-messaging Nanoha or anyone else about this, I think. I see her thinking about it first.
Thinking about it and keeping it to herself, yes. I wasn't going to have her run around to everyone, proclaiming the news. Nanoha might manage to get the info out of Fate, but I'll have to see how thing go and whether or not it would work for the story.

I'll try to think of a way on why Hayate couldn't reach Fate via telepathy. Part of me wants to use range as an issue while another wants to use the misunderstanding as a cover for the project. The problem is believability of the reason...

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That line doesn't make logical sense from where Hayate's coming from.
It doesn't. Not one bit.

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However, with Vita, there are two points, minor and major.


Minor) Does Vita strike anyone as the sort of person who plays time-wasting computer games? Though maybe she heard about it from some of the young people she's training, and decided to see what the fuss was about.

Now I have a mental image of Vita starting the game, wondering what the hell is going on, getting blow up by the creepers, getting pissed off and vowing to show them who's boss, and then laughing maniacally at the creepers from the battlements of her new fortress.

Before suddenly realizing how much deep she's gotten, and then hurriedly quitting the game in embarassment.


Major) Battle of Aces is "canon enough", since it's not so much uncanonical as an "canon, if different choices had been made."

And according to what I'd heard, Vita still hadn't worked through her bad blood with Reinforce by the time that Reinforce died in the original timeline.

See, according to the Sound Stages, Vita basically hated everyone during the dark days, especially Reinforce. After they met Hayate, Vita burried the hatchet with the Wolkenritter, but never got around to speaking with Reinforce after the battle with the Defense Program.

So if she really didn't make peace with Eins, then she would be uncomfortable with meeting her now.
I can see Vita playing a computer game in her off time every once in a while. Probably not to such an extent that Minecraft would entail, but maybe something that wouldn't require a major time investment or attachment. The idea of seeing what some trainees were taking about instead of busting their asses on her watch sounds plausible.

As for the major point. I'll have to fix that part big time. Since I'm going with the concept that it took some time for them to properly 'kill' Reinforce and she was around for a little while after the battle, I can see Vita being more willing to speak with Eins than before. However, she'll probably want to do so later and in a one-on-one situation so she can be uninterrupted.

Many thanks for such an in-depth critique. Looking at all the points you brought up... I certainly needed it!
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