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Old 2013-01-06, 14:03   Link #37461
NorthernFallout
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Coin View Post
Yes! Yes! Yes! Another story with more battles and less over-rated and over-written romance stories of you know who are they couples!

Is this taken from the last Chapter of Kaiser's Divine Grimiore and I feel the Mecha and Magic battles are going to be awesome.

But there is still something off, it could be that this chapter is lacking an expression of doom. I can feel the dread that the characters are experiencing with their helplessness but the experience and portrayal of an upcoming Armageddon is not completely told.

I'll just have to wait for the upcoming chapter.

Spoiler for Spoiler:
Thanks for the interest, been a while since I've written anything Nanoha.

I don't know what Kaiser's Divine Grimoire is, though.

As for your question
Spoiler:


---------

Speaking of which. I've been without net for a few days due to skiing vacation and gotten more stuff written.

Part I
Part II

Spoiler for The Unforgiving III:


Unforgiving IV "Ignite" coming in a few days.
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Last edited by NorthernFallout; 2013-01-07 at 03:35.
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Old 2013-01-06, 21:22   Link #37462
WarpObscura
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Cranagan's Glory? Which craft is that?

Oh, and you might want to link to the previous chapters. It'll help newcomers and those who want to check back.
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Old 2013-01-07, 00:18   Link #37463
bhl88
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The Unforgiving: 1 2 3 4 (construction in progress)
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Old 2013-01-07, 03:37   Link #37464
NorthernFallout
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Thanks, bhl. Added them.

@WarpObscura: Unforgiving has many warships that hasn't been mentioned in canon, since in my mind the TSAB Navy is quite large to cover such absurd distances. I'm putting in more hard/soft sci-fi into this than canon offers since the series doesn't really show much ship-to-ship combat.

Some canon ships may or may not show up, however.
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Old 2013-01-07, 05:37   Link #37465
WarpObscura
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I'm very interested in the aerospace combat, so I can't wait to see more. How "hard" are you making it? Is it all close range like Battlestar Galactica, Star Wars and Trek etc.? Or is it realistic thousands or more of km like Codex Mass Effect, Honorverse...?

And what did you mean "don’t think this you’ll get away with this unscathed.”?
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Old 2013-01-07, 07:15   Link #37466
NorthernFallout
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WarpObscura View Post
I'm very interested in the aerospace combat, so I can't wait to see more. How "hard" are you making it? Is it all close range like Battlestar Galactica, Star Wars and Trek etc.? Or is it realistic thousands or more of km like Codex Mass Effect, Honorverse...?

And what did you mean "don’t think this you’ll get away with this unscathed.”?
Oops. Typo, lol.

As for the combat, when it comes to weapons it's quite soft, though it involves long distances. TSAB has less restriction due to magic, while the Absolution has to rely mostly on tech. Navigation also has limits, especially for the Absolution, and since these ships are quite large, they are sloooooow. Heavily inspired by EVE, as that's the verse I'm the most familiar with.

I realize the chapters already written might not correspond to this concept, but I'll work with it as l move along.

EDIT: To clarify a bit more regarding ships...
Spoiler for Brainstorming, take with a pinch of salt:
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Last edited by NorthernFallout; 2013-01-07 at 08:13.
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Old 2013-01-08, 06:31   Link #37467
mega1987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Spoiler for RL comments:


ViVid

Revolution 1-10

Revolution 11

Revolution 12

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Revolution 13:
Spoiler for Late MST3K:
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Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
Gundams are your worst nightmare in the battlefield.
SRW beats all foes.
JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2013-01-10, 13:32   Link #37468
Rising Dragon
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Spoiler for Confessions:
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Last edited by Rising Dragon; 2013-01-10 at 15:01.
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Old 2013-01-10, 14:05   Link #37469
vic-vic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rising Dragon View Post
Spoiler for Confessions:
Hehehe, poor Nanoha she didn't such powerful attack all of sudden. But, I sure, we can understand Arisa - Nanoha just too cute and cuddle. But now fate and Yuuno should look for another competitor for Nanoha's affection.

A good one-shot overall.
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Old 2013-01-10, 15:47   Link #37470
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Spoiler for Unforgiving Theme Song:


Spoiler for Unforgiving IV [IGNITE]:


Unforgiving V next week, and a special treat after it.
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Last edited by NorthernFallout; 2013-01-11 at 03:29.
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Old 2013-01-10, 19:41   Link #37471
Nanya01
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ViVid

Revolution 1-10

Revolution 11

Revolution 12

Revolution 13

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Revolution 14:
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My fics Due to certain things, I am not here, find me over on TFF.
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Old 2013-01-10, 21:14   Link #37472
WarpObscura
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout View Post
“Second Zealot General of the Third Righteous Absolution Fleet, and the Commander of the Tempest, Rashim Jakaar. ”
Fixed the italics formatting for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout View Post
“Close to anger. Strange. I thought the Administration only picked the finest to command their ships of war. You are a disgrace, Commander.”
Did you mean "quick to anger"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout View Post
Jakaar’s voice could be heard over the comms; “Your leaders have sentenced you to death despite my offerings of salvation. They refused it without a second thought. For that, you must all be punished by the Sun of Empires. Do not blame me, for I am but God’s Messenger.”
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout View Post
Malevolence became secluded behind the chaos.
se·clud·ed
/siˈklo͞odid/
Adjective
(of a place) Not seen or visited by many people; sheltered and private.
Synonyms
solitary - isolated - lonely - retired - lone

If you were trying to say "hidden", it should be "occluded".

occluded past participle, past tense of oc·clude (Verb)
Verb
Stop, close up, or obstruct (an opening, orifice, or passage).
Shut (something) in: "they occluded the waterfront with buildings".

Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout View Post
It had said; “Remember. For the future.”
Commas, not semicolons for opening to speech.

If you say Eclipse Station, aren't you worried people will confuse it with the one in Force?
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Old 2013-01-10, 21:31   Link #37473
bhl88
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
ViVid

Revolution 1-10

Revolution 11

Revolution 12

Revolution 13

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Revolution 14:
Corona is now happily going to kiss all the guys while she is evil.

Gram: A little something I added to her lips as well, as well as a little fun in itself.

XD
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Old 2013-01-11, 01:15   Link #37474
vic-vic
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2NorthernFallout

Seems that Absolution is very clode to muslim fundamentlists of our world. Though, since their much more technologically adavanced, the much more dangerous.

And look that Fate wasn`t so lucky as Nanoha thought in the begining.

Good luck with future chapters
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Old 2013-01-11, 03:30   Link #37475
NorthernFallout
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WarpObscura View Post
fixes
Thanks, fixed. This is what I get when I have no net to double-check..

As for Eclipse, hmm. You may be right. I had forgotten how many things it referred to. I've changed it to Iljaren.

@vic-vic: Thx for comment.
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Old 2013-01-11, 14:13   Link #37476
mega1987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
ViVid

Revolution 1-10

Revolution 11

Revolution 12

Revolution 13

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Revolution 14:
Spoiler for MST3K review:
__________________
Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
Gundams are your worst nightmare in the battlefield.
SRW beats all foes.
JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2013-01-14, 17:09   Link #37477
NorthernFallout
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I
II
III
IV

Spoiler for Unforgiving V: Rage:


After this, Act I ends, Act II begins. Perspective becomes only Nanoha and we finally go space walkin'. And turn everything up to 11.
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Old 2013-01-14, 21:41   Link #37478
WarpObscura
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Your fanatics are... morbidly interesting.
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Old 2013-01-14, 23:01   Link #37479
Craxuan
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Personally I think that using pure dialogues was a waste since torture thrives with description, but I'll give it a 7 out of 10. *pops blood red grapes into mouth*
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Old 2013-01-15, 07:09   Link #37480
WarpObscura
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I thought it interesting to try and mentally fill things in purely on what was being said... but I do agree that just a bit of description would have made things better/worse.
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